My son knows his father is cheating

[Betrayed89]

Last night I found out my husband of 14 years has been having a relationship with another woman. It came as a complete shock, I wasn't expecting it, and the moment I found out I can't even remember everything because I was so distraught. I collapsed, couldn't breathe, shaking and numb, then eventually was able to get words up to tell him that I had found the chats and nudes on his phone. Our 6yo son was in the same room when all this happened. I then told my son what his father was doing and that his father doesn't love me anymore and loves this other woman (whom my son knows as one of his dad's friends and I found out has already met her 😭). I wasn't even thinking when I told my son. I wish more than anything could take my words back. It's not fair on my poor baby to know any of this. It was honestly the worst moment of my life finding out this betrayal, I am so ashamed that I said anything to my son.
Since then I have been reassuring my son that this has nothing to do with him and that his Dad loves him soooo much and that just because his dad doesn't love me anymore changes absolutely nothing about how he feels about him. I told him that there is nothing he could ever do to make his dad not love him anymore. I keep telling him his dad is still a good person, he just made a big mistake.
Please please don't criticise me, I know how awful it was for me to involve our son like I did, please tell me I haven't screwed him up for life and he'll be okay 😭😭 I'm an absolute mess.
This other woman is also married with kids. I can't even believe this has happened. He has never been the cheating type.

Sorry you've landed in this position.
I think -dont dwell too long on it-or bum dad up , Gently explain to your son that when people are upset\angry they sometimes say things that are a bit mean. Tell him,thats what you did. That you are sorry for doing that.Then
make sure it doesnt happen again. Goes with the territory-your gonna be in for a tough time emotionally for now. It will be far easier all round if you protect your son from having to bear witness to the worst of it.
dads a twat. he didnt make a mistake-he got caught-doing what hes been doing on purpose-
So mind how you market that..Ditch "Dad doesnt love me anymore" thats far to brutal.
Dad didnt leave you-or own up of freewill- You can not put crap like that on a child. so dont. you gony need support,you havent said if this is end of marriage.?

Mrsdineen2 - no one has said to you or anyone else in this thread to stop advocating for a 6 year old child .

Look at the timing of when the OP posted - 4.07am and she stated that she had just found out "last night " . She is still in shock and reeling and "empathy " as you state you have would be to take this into account . Going forward what is best for their child has to be the main consideration which I don't think anyone here is disagreeing with .

Immediate first aid is Making things as normal, lighthearted, secure and routine as possible for his world. Create space for him to ask questions, but don't ask him questions which make him wonder about things he never thought of. Then if you notice a change in him, or notice that he's struggling with emotions/changes, see a child therapist/counsellor.

And if she feels like that, despite being in control of her own destiny, how must her 6 year old feel? The one whose feelings are being minimised by well meaning but deeply, deeply misguided posters.

Where is your empathy for the six year old who absolutely did not have to witness this?
Nobody has downplayed the shock and horror at finding out that you have been betrayed, but telling your child that one parent doesn’t love the other any more but instead loves someone else is nothing but cruel. There is no point in sugar coating it or to assign full blame of the situation on the husband. At this moment it was the OP who caused hurt and confusion to her child, not her husband.

I don't think anyone is minimising the child's feelings.
Similarly I don't think, having read your post describing your experience, would minimise your hurt.
It does come over that you are hitting out at op because of your experience in a way that op doesn't deserve.
She is obviously anguished with guilt already over telling son in the heat of her discovery and desperately wants to do the right thing going forward I don't see how berating someone and making them feel worse is helpful to anyone, least of all her son.
Op obviously loves her son and wants the best for him. If she was being blasé about what had happened and oblivious to the fact it wasn't the way things should have happened then you would be justified in berating her. I think she is berating herself enough as it is.
She needs support and support will help her act in a proper manner to help her son. Just making her feel worse about herself isn't doing her son any good.

What do you mean by unmet needs theory? I'm wondering if this is what was turned on me?

No-one's minimising? To her complete credit - OP came on here aware of what she's done, and already trying to correct it.

Since then however, she's been told:

"Try not to worry"

"He would have found out anyway"

"your ds will be ok."

"but it's done"

"Please think of you and what your husband has done. That’s the bigger issue right now."

"the OPs spineless husbands actions will have an effect on the child. Not the OP and her reaction"

"there’s no point worrying about what happened because you can’t change that"

"Child will be hurt by divorce anyway."

"prioritise yourself"

If she takes all of this on board, any and all understanding of the seriousness of what she said to her son will go, and her ability to correct this will be seriously undermined.

It wasn’t ideal (though understandable) but I don’t think it’s the worst way for your DS to find out. If you’re going to separate and exH is with this woman then reality and honesty are better for your DS IMO, than wondering what the hell is going on or overhearing things and being confused. Lots of support and affection for him, answer his questions (appropriately), keep assuring him it’s nothing he’s done and you both love him and things will be OK. And avoid any arguing or animosity in front of him. It happens to lots of kids of all ages and it can be OK.

@shonapop “unmet needs” needs theory puts the blame on the cheated victim. It says that the cheating partner went elsewhere as his needs were not met in the relationship (bollocks if you ask me).

Have a look at Chump Lady website. Although I don’t agree with some of the things she says, sadly she’s right in many ways. Painful read sometimes but saves some long term heart ache, debunks some myths and prepares for the worst (when your so “loving” spouse turns nasty and wants to further screw you over)

OP, I’m so sorry 💐 do the best you can to function for your son,it is hard. Wishing you all the best

As you say in your opening point op came on here accepting what she did was wrong.
I don't thing anyone has said anything other than yes, it was wrong.
Op can't change what happened.
She has been given some really constructive advice in some posts about how to go forward in dealing with her son to minimise the effect of how he was told and to support him.

It's not your fault, none of it is your fault. Your husband should be the one feeling ashamed and reassuring your son.

If wasn't my finest hour when I found out my DH was cheating (again). Please don't beat yourself up. You are human, and you've had a massive shock. It's devastating. Not everyone can be totally stoic, dignified and restrained, and I don't think that it's always healthy to be. Yes, it would've been better you hadn't said it aloud to your Son, but please forgive yourself.

@mrsdineen2 For God's sake, what is your problem?
Leave the poor woman alone!

I'm going to tell you that you're wrong. However, I can not understand it for you.

For sure it's possible

Be kind to yourself 💐

You did nothing wrong, and your husband is a no good cheating rat. Six year olds bounce like rubber balls and your son will be fine

I’ve worked with children dealing with trauma ALL my working life and believe you and me, the parents involved are not on mumsnet, up at four in the morning, reflecting on their actions in a moment and terrified they’ve done the wrong thing for their much loved child.

I hope OP has done something for her own mental health and got the hell away from this nasty thread. The damage this thread could have done to this vulnerable woman during one of the worst periods of her life is awful.

OP if you are still reading here, take what you need about how to support your son moving forward (inbetween the vitriol, there is some good advice) and ignore the rest.

And in dealing with the cheating get yourself on the surviving infidelity website which will has practical ways of dealing with the initial aftermath.

@Usernamechange1234

Well said!

I've explained my problem. Enablers like you.

OP is full of remorse, worried and desperate to put things right. She’s not going to go “oh mn said it’s fine so I can stop bothering”. She’s already been doing everything right to reassure and help her DS. She needs reassurance and support and to know that there are things she can do to make it easier for her DS and she’s on the right track. That’s not enabling at all, it’s support.

"You did nothing wrong, and your husband is a no good cheating rat. Six year olds bounce like rubber balls and your son will be fine"

If she listened to that, she'd do nothing to right this wrong. Of course it's enabling of the nastiest order.

Please note I'm not having a go at OP here - she's acknowledged her mistake and wants to fix it. I'm trying to counter the wave of posters telling her there's nothing to fix.

I've been that kid. There's something to fix.

But given we know OP is really trying and will not just do nothing, her deciding to not bother shouldn’t be an issue. I also happen to disagree that kids this age are super-resilient - they internalise things even if they may seem to recover quickly. But we can see OP is here for support and advice. Talking about “enabling” someone suggests they’re already neglectful or uncaring - she’s not.

I totally take your points and experience on board but your anger is not what OP needs, she needs help to recover and reassure herself so she can continue to do the right thing and be strong for her DS. And those pointing out what has happened is not her fault are right. Her H caused this and she has to pick up the pieces. It’s unfair and very hard and she’s still in the initial shock.

OP's husband is not a ventriloquist, she said those words, she has to own them. And she is. You and the other posters will do her absolutely no favours in a custody battle if you lead her to believe she truly can't control her words around her 6 year old.

Despite your attempts to silence me, I'm not planning to sit back and let sentiment such as "Child will be hurt by divorce anyway", with the clear implication that OP shouldn't deal with this, dominate the thread.

As the child in this situation here was my experience.

I was around 4/5 when I walked into my mum furiously throwing my dad's clothes into a suitcase. I asked what she was doing and she said "Daddy's leaving us, leaving home". I asked what she meant and she wouldn't talk further, she was so angry and upset.
I went downstairs to find my brother who was around 10 years old to seek comfort. He was playing the computer and refused to look at me, a blank expression on his face. I said "daddy's leaving? Do you know?" He replied, without breaking eye contact from his game "Yeah I know" and refused to engage with me. I can't iterate enough how out of character this was. He was and still is my best friend, a source of emotional comfort.
I then ran and hid behind a couch and cried my eyes out.

This was an awful way to find out my family was breaking up.

What I remember is feeling very alone. Nobody would tell me anything and I assume that's because I was too young.
But I needed to know it wasn't my fault, that the dad I loved dearly wasn't a demon who ran off with another woman but instead still, above all things, my dad.

They thought that by 'hiding' it from me that is somehow protected me, but it didn't, because I heard all their arguments then received no explanation other than he is going to live with another family.

So communication here is key. Which it seems like you have been doing. Communicate, in an age appropriate way, that some marriages don't work out, but mummy and daddy stay mummy and daddy even if they don't stay husband and wife.

Family therapy would have been ideal, I urge you to seek that.

Sorry this has happened to you.