My son knows his father is cheating

[Betrayed89]

Last night I found out my husband of 14 years has been having a relationship with another woman. It came as a complete shock, I wasn't expecting it, and the moment I found out I can't even remember everything because I was so distraught. I collapsed, couldn't breathe, shaking and numb, then eventually was able to get words up to tell him that I had found the chats and nudes on his phone. Our 6yo son was in the same room when all this happened. I then told my son what his father was doing and that his father doesn't love me anymore and loves this other woman (whom my son knows as one of his dad's friends and I found out has already met her 😭). I wasn't even thinking when I told my son. I wish more than anything could take my words back. It's not fair on my poor baby to know any of this. It was honestly the worst moment of my life finding out this betrayal, I am so ashamed that I said anything to my son.
Since then I have been reassuring my son that this has nothing to do with him and that his Dad loves him soooo much and that just because his dad doesn't love me anymore changes absolutely nothing about how he feels about him. I told him that there is nothing he could ever do to make his dad not love him anymore. I keep telling him his dad is still a good person, he just made a big mistake.
Please please don't criticise me, I know how awful it was for me to involve our son like I did, please tell me I haven't screwed him up for life and he'll be okay 😭😭 I'm an absolute mess.
This other woman is also married with kids. I can't even believe this has happened. He has never been the cheating type.

@mrsdineen2 "
OP's husband is not a ventriloquist, she said those words, she has to own them. And she is. You and the other posters will do her absolutely no favours in a custody battle if you lead her to believe she truly can't control her words around her 6 year old."

I absolutely agree. The OP's husband is entirely responsible for the situation. How the OP reacts to it in front of her child is entirely hers. And the child will tell his dad about what happened. It's not supportive to brush it under the carpet. Being supportive is helping the OP to deal with what's happening, not what should have happened.

Despite your attempts to silence me, I'm not planning to sit back and let sentiment such as "Child will be hurt by divorce anyway", with the clear implication that OP shouldn't deal with this, dominate the thread.

I really don’t want to silence you, and I know you have valuable insights from your own experience to offer OP, as other posters have too. I was pointing out how your tone and the implications of the word “enabling” are not helpful for OP who is in a traumatised state and wants to do her best and is trying.

Just as you can disagree with/criticise other posts, and have.

How can you possibly know what the OP is going to take from this thread?
It’s fine to reassure her that she can salvage the impact this had on her son, but it’s absolutely crucial to reiterate what happens to a child if this happens again or continues.

I can’t know 100% but read op’s posts, she already started doing what she could to put it right before posting. I don’t think she’ll down tools and not bother because a few posters said there’s no problem at all (most didn’t).

You’re right that I can’t know, but like all situations on MN I’m going by her posts.

@MrsWhattery "I don’t think she’ll down tools and not bother because a few posters said there’s no problem at all (most didn’t)."

I don't think she will either. But most posts did say there was no problem at all.

But most posts did say there was no problem at all.

I was surprised to read this as that’s not how it looked to me. So I checked - and most posts really do not say that in the slightest. A few do. Most combine an understanding that this will have impacted the DS and wasn’t good, with sympathy, reassurance and/or advice.

Saying to OP that it’s done now and not to beat herself up, as some do, is not saying it’s all fine. Those posters generally just want OP to focus on feeling stronger and putting this right by supporting and helping her DS more appropriately from now on. Telling her that she and DS will be OK is also not the same thing as saying there was no problem at all. It’s just reassurance from those who have been through it, often in the same post as advice on how to handle things better and apologise to DS etc.