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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please on how to navigate relationship with my widowed DF now he has met someone new

118 replies

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/04/2024 09:53

My DM died in July 2021 aged 81, after a long illness. I still miss her very much. My grief has not much abated truth be told.

My DF had been the most wonderful husband to her. He nursed her at home with exceptional tenderness and devotion. He has also been a wonderful father to me. And a fantastic grandfather. I am an only child and really close to my parents.

A year after DM’s death my DF told me he was going to start going on outings and lunches with “lady friends”. He was not lonely socially, but he told me he was looking for a romantic relationship. I was stunned, not because of his age (he presents at least a decade younger than he is) but because I had never seen him with anyone other than my DM. But I did not say anything negative. He went on various dates with quite a variety of women.

In January 2023 he told me that things were getting serious with a particular woman and that he was going to stop seeing any others. Since then that relationship has progressed. They have had weekends away together. Stay over Friday nights at each other’s homes and have a cruise booked for this summer. DF told me (without my asking him) that they have no plans to marry or cohabit. She also has a full life. She is mid 70s. She sounds like a nice woman.

I have never met her. My DF has met her daughter and grandchildren. He goes to celebration meals with them. I said to him early on that I was pleased for him but that I would prefer not to meet her. He has never pushed me to do so.

I love my DF very much. But I feel less close to him now. He is enjoying life again and I feel so conflicted, as I want that for him but feel such anguish it’s not with my DM.

DF and I have never argued about his relationship. I have never said anything unkind.

I cannot face meeting this woman. I have nothing against her at all. I do not wish for them to split up given he’s plainly so happy. I just cannot face seeing them together. I am a 57 year old woman with a good life. Please help. Is it ok to remain on loving terms with my DF but never meet this woman? Or if that is not ok, how do I get over myself?

OP posts:
DireBeeTeas · 19/04/2024 09:58

I think it’s fine to not meet her. You sound lovely. You
might change your mind later on.

BlastedPimples · 19/04/2024 09:59

You simply need more time to adjust. Of course you do.

You don't have to meet her and it never has to be a drama.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/04/2024 10:06

Thank you for your kindness.

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 19/04/2024 10:12

That's so lovely he isn't alone and tbh you have a lovely attitude about it also. Yes it's hard but it will sink in and you will Wana meet maybe later down the line but don't let it change anything with your own father relationship which is totally different.

Nannyfannybanny · 19/04/2024 10:19

I was in this situation, only child DM died young 64,, she was my best friend. However,6 weeks after her death,my father called me saying he had some news, didn't want me to hear it from someone else. Small village, where they had lived donkeys years,cul de sac, everyone knew each others leg measurements. Informed me he has a girlfriend,! I thought he was going to tell me he was dying! Her first husband was a very famous Jockey, she was used to the champagne lifestyle
I gritted my teeth,met her very quickly
Always thought she didn't like me,was told by friends I was imagining it, because I was jealous,was found out to be correct later. They moved from my childhood 2 up 2 down,to a huge 4 bed detached place. I was rarely invited there. I went to the wedding the following year. She died 12 years down the line,he married again to the old childhood neighbour, he didn't invite me, only her 2 children were the witnesses. If he had met wife number 2 a year later, I would have been ok with it. I am proud of myself for being grown up about the situation, and don't feel that our parents relationships are any of our business.

Hbosh · 19/04/2024 10:19

It's clear you're trying very hard to be supportive, despite the fact that yo'ure still grieving. Which is so loving of you.
Don't pressure yourself any further. Your father can feel that you're trying your best and that you genuinely want him to be happy. For now, that's all you need to do.
It's also obvious that you're not just still grieving your mothers death, but also the end of over 50 years of family dynamics. The image of your mum, your dad, and you, in one warm happy family. You've not just los your mum, you've lost all of this and it's okay not to be ready to bring someone else into this dynamic for now.
People can have several partners in their lifetime. People only have one mother, and she can never be replaced. It's normal for your father to move on, but for you to need more time.
Stay open, stay communicative with your father. Things will work out fine.

Nannyfannybanny · 19/04/2024 10:21

I forgot to add,my father was dying of cancer,he married 6 weeks before he died.

WhiteLeopard · 19/04/2024 10:22

It's understandable that you find this difficult. But try to keep your mind open to the possibility that you may be able to meet her at some point. You don't want to find yourself in an entrenched position. No need to rush though.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/04/2024 10:23

I think I worry that if/when I change my mind about meeting her it will have built up into something so huge that it will be very tense. And also, even if I did meet her, I think that would not be a precursor to lots of further interaction. I have tried to visualise how a meeting might go but it makes me feel panicky and really upset. I’m late to the menopause too (only just got there at 57) so that is not helping my emotional state I fear either.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/04/2024 10:25

I agree about not becoming entrenched. I’m fairly emotionally self aware. Enough to know to guard against that. But it’s so hard! Thanks all for being so kind.

OP posts:
Foxblue · 19/04/2024 10:26

I'm so sorry about you losing your mum. I think it's okay to feel like this, you havnt got a problem with her or the relationship and you are well aware that it's all to do with your mum, and I think thats a level of self awareness that a lot of people in this situation unfortunately sometimes don't have because it's (understandably) hard to see reality through grief sometimes. You might change your mind eventually, but if you don't that's fine.
Would it help if you had another chat with your dad about this, just to say 'I'm not ready to meet her and I'm not sure I ever will, I just wanted to tell you how happy I am that you're out living life and are happy'? Just thinking it might make you feel better to acknowledge it again. Do you talk about your mum much at all, to anyone in your life - how are you doing, generally?

financialcareerstuff · 19/04/2024 10:26

Hi OP, that sounds very hard for you, and it is great that you've avoided saying anything hurtful, and that you know you want your DF to be happy.

Yes, you are completely within your rights not to meet her.

However, I would gently encourage you to actively try to process your feelings around it, with the hope of becoming ok integrating her into your life.

Why? Firstly, because your feelings are coming understandably from unprocessed grief about your mum's death. Even if you never meet this woman, it would help YOU to work through these feelings.

Second, because you will be limiting your relationship with your father. Again, even if you never meet, if he is in a serious relationship more and more of his experiences will be mutual... and he will know you are sensitive about it... so when he would naturally say "we did X," he may edit to say "I". Or on a day he goes visits her family, does he mention it or not? Or when they have an anniversary or a fight, does he share or not? Knowing you are not happy, will mean he can share less and less with you, in the final chapter of his life. And this will be sad for both of you, as it sounds like he was a fantastic husband to your mum, and is a wonderful dad.

For these reasons I hope you can aspire to get over it. Wishing you luck.

TitInATrance · 19/04/2024 10:28

I have a friend who is in exactly your DF’s situation, although all concerned are around 10 years younger. New partner of around 2 years, both have their own homes.

When he visits his DD he now stays in a hotel with his new partner instead of with DD and her family. He’s been very understanding but it’s beginning to limit their contact and their relationship, and he’s considering telling DD they come as a package - meet us both or neither. There is no pressure from the GF but he needs acceptance of their relationship, and is finding it very hard.

In kindness, you need to see your father as another adult not just a parent. This woman isn’t your stepmother, she’s your dad’s partner.

SoupDragon · 19/04/2024 10:28

I have never said anything unkind.

You have though, you've refused to meet her. That must be difficult for your father. There's no judgement on my part though - it's difficult.

I don't think it's sustainable to not meet her. It's going to make your father's life very difficult. I think you do need to get over this. How, I'm not sure. Focussing on how happy your father is might help.

it doesn't mean he loves your late mother any less. Remember that.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/04/2024 10:31

That must have been very hard @Nannyfannybanny.

Thank you @Hbosh for putting into words what I was feeling about only have one mother in a lifetime. I feel that my DF and I were on a journey together after DM died but that now he has run off and left me behind. I don’t mean that unkindly. But I feel quite alone in my sadness now.

OP posts:
Farahfawsett · 19/04/2024 10:38

OP, I feel like you're looking at this in the wrong way.

Your DF's GF is not a replacement mother, she is company for your father and she's making him happy.

It's been nearly three years since your mother passed and he deserves some joy.

His heart has expanded to allow another woman in; yours can expand too if you let it.

I bet your DF isn't saying to you that he's unhappy with you dating/having evenings out/having sex/having walks and conversation because your mum has died is he?

Of course not, he wants you to be happy and you should want the same for him.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 19/04/2024 10:42

I completely get where you're coming from, as my DF started dating about 6months after DM died and even asked me to help him sort his dating profile 🙄

It's really tricky and I totally understand your reluctance... However... The reality is, refusing to meet her will have an effect (most likely negative) on your relationship with your DF. Can you honestly say if he refused to ever meet or engage with your DH that it wouldn't have an effect? Also, in my experience, the older generation can be a bit more "tied at the hip" with their spouses than younger couples, so I think it would feel like excluding her from things rather than simply not inviting her...

For me, I decided early on I just needed to push through it and accept it as I didn't want to lose time with my DF, and the reality is I'd rather he was happy and not on his own. So I try to focus on that. It's hard, but I can see it was also worth it for the greater good.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/04/2024 10:44

I don’t accept that saying I did not wish to meet her was saying something unkind. @SoupDragon. I have been entirely kind in all my interactions with my DF.

I am willing to accept though the advice that maybe I should meet her and not doing so is unsustainable. That’s why I am posting. The how is difficult.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 19/04/2024 10:53

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/04/2024 10:44

I don’t accept that saying I did not wish to meet her was saying something unkind. @SoupDragon. I have been entirely kind in all my interactions with my DF.

I am willing to accept though the advice that maybe I should meet her and not doing so is unsustainable. That’s why I am posting. The how is difficult.

How is saying that you won't meet someone who is important to your father not unkind? It doesn't matter how kindly you say it, it's just not nice and it's making life difficult for him even if he doesn't say so (because he's being kind, ironically). Imagine if he said he didn't want to meet a partner of yours, one who made you happy. I suspect it would feel pretty unkind to you.

like I said, there is absolutely no judgement on my part but it isn't kind.

She isn't a replacement for your mother, she is an entirely different person and a different relationship.

I would have been pleased for my mum if she'd met someone after my dad died. She died within the timeframe of your father meeting someone though (at the same time as your mum actually). Bereavement is a tricky thing to navigate as it is very different for everyone. From your father's point of view, time is short.

I'll bow out now though.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/04/2024 10:58

Thank you for the helpful messages and range of views. @Farahfawsett - just to be clear I am definitely not saying (or even feeling) that I don’t want him to have this relationship. A while back he went a couple of weeks without seeing her. I had wondered at the time whether she was drawing back (she wasn’t) and the thought of that made me really sad. I don’t want that for him. I want him to enjoy his relationship. The issue is whether I should force myself to a place where I am uncomfortable emotionally to meet her.

i am glad @EnterFunnyNameHere that the effort you made to push through your unease was worth it. At least my DF did not ask my to help with a dating profile! You were a saint.

OP posts:
softslicedwhite · 19/04/2024 11:17

My Dad did this after my mum died, he basically told me before she'd even died that he'd got someone lined up and lo and behold three months later she was staying over. The first Xmas without mum he spent sulking because I told him I wasn't ready to meet her yet, this made me a monster apparently. Also I still met her within twelve months of my mum bloody dying so i don't think I was that bad! Anyway, I am now most definitely the black sheep as a result of my 'wilfulness' (grieving). Men do this, not all of them, but a significant number. My dad did it to avoid ever having to grieve for my mum.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/04/2024 11:23

That was very hard on you @softslicedwhite .

OP posts:
Cantabulous · 19/04/2024 11:44

I had this situation with my DF, who I felt moved on a bit soon after my DM died - BUT he had cared so beautifully for her for years, and he definitely deserved to realise his capacity to live a full life again sooner rather than later (he was 80 when DM died). I wanted to embrace his new life with him. I didn't want to undermine his joy by there being a shadow between us. I also wanted to be able to keep a close eye on what was going on, to protect my DF in the event his girlfriend tried to exploit him at all - sort of 'keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer'. I'm glad I did; if I hadn't I believe she would have taken financial advantage a bit in his declining years. As it was she brought him great happiness until the going got tough for DF's health, then she kind of disappeared...

I believe I processed the initial stages of grief for my DM relatively quickly so I didn't find it too hard to take this approach. It sounds like you are struggling with it emotionally, which is perfectly understandable. You may benefit from talking to a grief counsellor with the specific aim of preparing yourself to meet and have a relationship with your DF's friend?

honeyandfizz · 19/04/2024 11:46

I agree wholly with @SoupDragon on this one. Grief is brutal (it's my Dads first anniversary this weekend - I get it) and as much I am grieving I find the pain of watching my Mum grieve a thousand times harder. I would put aside my own feelings to see her have an ounce of something that made her smile again. By refusing to meet this lady you are giving the impression you disapprove of their relationship which is quite selfish IMO.

Ariela · 19/04/2024 12:09

My mother too died in her late 60s but long before my father. He did keep up an extensive social life and also met and dated a few women. He settled on a very nice lady, lets call her Jean, and we were all glad she was in his life because he had companionship, laughter, did much travelling, and greatly enjoyed his life till 20 years later she too was struck down with cancer. It also meant we had less worry as to what he was doing, because there were two of them to tackle life's challenges, the bin men not collecting or the guttering falling off, or remembering/getting to hospital appointments etc.

He explained it to me like this: just because he was dating another lady didn't in any way diminish or compete with his love for my mother. She would always be his first love and the parent of his children. Jean was his extra love in his life, an unexpected bonus, and he would always say how very lucky he was to have had two amazing women in his life and to have experienced a great love twice.

He never forgot, or substituted my mother, indeed he always kept her ashes in his 'office', and kept every treasured memento of her and photos just as it always was around the house. Jean was a bonus, and also wise enough to realise she was no substitute either - his home remained largely unchanged of all the trinkets of my mother's time, but Jean's presence was added - the flowers and the artwork, the new paint on the walls and curtains (needed) were her forte. We'd often get the photo albums out or chat about some aspect that would have interested my mum. Just because he was in a relationship with Jean didn't detract from the first great love of his life.

They didn't marry, and although they did live together Jean bought an adjacent home it meant they were in and out of both but it meant a clear financial divide, as they realised the inheritance issues would be too complicated for shared finances (her children had 2 different fathers), which was a blessing too.

Yes it took time to adjust, but once we realised how happy Jean made our father we agreed with his view: he was indeed a very lucky man, and Jean most definitely was a bonus in his life, and absolutely not a substitute for our mum. For all of us, not one of 5 living within an hour and a half of our dad meant it was one less thing to worry about knowing Jean was there for him day in day out, and that they had a happy and fulfilling life doing things together. For our kids many of whom could barely remember our mum, it was an extra old person to entertain the grandkids and made it much more fun for them. (exhaust one and you still have the other to wear out). Even so, our mum was never forgotten. She was Grandma, not Jean who was 'Jean' or 'Jeanie-Nana' (because her grandchildren called her Nana and were often there same time).

I'm sorry for your loss, but I hope my experiences will help you in resolving your difficulties in accepting your father's new friendship. Yes he is lonely without your mum, but I am sure this new friendship is not an attempt to replace your mum - as your mum will be the first lady he loved, married, and had a family with, something the new lady cannot ever be or do - but to replace his loneliness. Likewise, you are his child, and your children his grandchildren. The new lady will never be the parent/grandparent. That's your mum.

I hope you'll be able to see the new lady as a bonus in your dad's life, and in time I hope a bonus in yours too.

I do completely understand how much you're missing your mum though, I wonder would getting some grief counselling help you perhaps?

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