Advice please on how to navigate relationship with my widowed DF now he has met someone new

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

My DM died in July 2021 aged 81, after a long illness. I still miss her very much. My grief has not much abated truth be told.

My DF had been the most wonderful husband to her. He nursed her at home with exceptional tenderness and devotion. He has also been a wonderful father to me. And a fantastic grandfather. I am an only child and really close to my parents.

A year after DM’s death my DF told me he was going to start going on outings and lunches with “lady friends”. He was not lonely socially, but he told me he was looking for a romantic relationship. I was stunned, not because of his age (he presents at least a decade younger than he is) but because I had never seen him with anyone other than my DM. But I did not say anything negative. He went on various dates with quite a variety of women.

In January 2023 he told me that things were getting serious with a particular woman and that he was going to stop seeing any others. Since then that relationship has progressed. They have had weekends away together. Stay over Friday nights at each other’s homes and have a cruise booked for this summer. DF told me (without my asking him) that they have no plans to marry or cohabit. She also has a full life. She is mid 70s. She sounds like a nice woman.

I have never met her. My DF has met her daughter and grandchildren. He goes to celebration meals with them. I said to him early on that I was pleased for him but that I would prefer not to meet her. He has never pushed me to do so.

I love my DF very much. But I feel less close to him now. He is enjoying life again and I feel so conflicted, as I want that for him but feel such anguish it’s not with my DM.

DF and I have never argued about his relationship. I have never said anything unkind.

I cannot face meeting this woman. I have nothing against her at all. I do not wish for them to split up given he’s plainly so happy. I just cannot face seeing them together. I am a 57 year old woman with a good life. Please help. Is it ok to remain on loving terms with my DF but never meet this woman? Or if that is not ok, how do I get over myself?

Thank you @Cantabulous for sharing your story. Your suggestion of seeking some counselling is one that my best friend has also made. I had not discounted it. But kind of parked it. I think it’s probably what I need.

I have spoken quite openly @honeyandfizz with my DF. He knows I am happy for him but that I feel emotionally fragile. He is not displaying any anguish over my decision not to meet his partner. I am not saying he would not like me to. But I suspect that my distress in undertaking a meeting (and what comes from it; more meetings) will be more than his pleasure in it taking place.

What I have taken from these messages is that meeting her is something that I need to try to do. As I said up thread I hit the menopause after DM died. I am sure that is an aggravating factor in how I feel. This thread has helped me see what I need to do. I most likely need a bit of grief counselling to achieve that.

Thank you @Ariela for that heartwarming story. Jean sounds like a very nice woman indeed. You have given some wise counsel and I do agree some grief counselling would help me. I am glad to have started this thread and to have made that resolve.

i imagine but of course do not know, this may feel like his is being unfaithful and has replaced your mum. I know this must be so incredibly hard because whilst you know it’s not the case she’s not your mum and she never will be.

that said if she is enriching his life it must only be a positive. They may talk often about your mum. I worked with a guy who met a woman and they’re both widowed. He said they both speak often about their wife’s / husbands and even tho after many years they are engaged they both still wear their original wedding rings along side their rings to each other. It sounded really heartwarming.

be easy on yourself, maybe you’ll mind will change maybe it won’t. If you and your dad are respecting one another’s wishes that’s all you can ask for. Meeting her might help you to see a different dimension to this new found companionship.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood I am glad you will seek grief counselling, I'm sure it'll help.

Just one final thought re first meeting, I thoroughly recommend my father's approach to arrange a) bring the grandkids (good distraction) and b) Do Something that doesn't have to involve talking, an activity. We went to a museum that had half term organised kids activities. Was pretty busy, and meant a lot of hands on involvement eg brass rubbing, constructing etc so were getting on fine by the time we needed a cup of tea. Yes it felt a bit weird, but it was OK because Jean was OK. Of course I trust my father's judgment as I'm sure you do yours, so I'm sure you'll find his new lady friend will be perfectly normal and good company.

You are not unreasonable to feel how you feel @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood You're quite entitled to that - and after your mum and dad being together for so many years, it must feel really weird to see your dad with another woman ...

But if he's going to have this woman in his life for a long time (possibly until he dies,) it's going to be really difficult for you to never ever see her ... It will compromise your relationship with your father.

Just don't see her for now but don't say you never ever want to see her, because that will make life a little bit difficult. I'm really sorry your mum died - it must have been heartbreaking for you ... But really, just be happy for your dad that he's found somebody ... A lot of elderly people are incredibly lonely, and it sounds like your dad is living his best life ... All the best.

I think you know objectively OP that your Dad hasn't done anything wrong, from your own words he was a devoted husband and it was a year before he started dating, so there is really no comparison with situations where people have "moved on" within weeks. It sounds as if things are serious with this lady and there will be issues down the line if you remain utterly opposed to the idea of meeting her-what if they decide to get married? Not the right time to have a first meeting. He sounds like a lovely man who would not exclude you but you run the risk of excluding yourself from his life going forward.

I agree with your friend that perhaps you need some counselling to help process your feelings about your grief for your mother and this new relationship.

OP, you know in your heart that you will have to meet this woman. She is a large part of your father's life and so are you. You will hurt your father by refusing to meet her. Going forward it will make life difficult for all concerned, but especially your dad. For example he may dearly want to celebrate his birthday with both of you.

The longer you put this off, the more of a psychological monster it will become. At their age neither your dad or his lady friend expect you to treat her like a new mum. It sounds as though she has a busy life of her own anyway and doesn't want a huge amount of involvement. I suggest you arrange to meet them someone neutral, like over a pub lunch. It will please your dad no end and, remember, he's trying to enjoy life whilst he's still healthy enough to do so.

Thank you @Ariela I do trust my DF’s judgment. I believe his partner to be a very nice woman.

Thank you @SabreIsMyFave. Kind words. Yes. I think he sees this as a long term relationship now. My parents met when my DM was 19 and DF was 18. They were each other’s only serious relationship. So my DF is certainly capable of maintaining a long term relationship! He was not lonely. We live in the same road. He saw me most days (and still sees me several times a week), sees my 3 children regularly, has lunches out with his friends, goes to watch rugby with his nephew, plays sport with his brother in law, has coffee with neighbours. He’s a really sociable man. And very well liked. He was very clear that it was not loneliness driving him to seek a romantic relationship. He wanted a romantic relationship with a like minded woman. And he actively sought it out. Which I applaud him for. It’s just left me a bit blindsided. I feel I have been left in the dust whilst he is blazing ahead! Weird given he’s now 82! I do love and admire him. The issue is mine not his. I’m grateful for this thread providing a sounding board.

Thank you @ginasevern and @Uricon2. You are absolutely right that DF has done nothing wrong. And that a meeting on neutral territory is a good idea. I need to try to work out a plan for dealing with it.

OP, may I very tenuously suggest that you are feeling deep resentment. Please don't think I'm being unkind, I'm just trying to be realistic. Feeling hurt and resentful in this situation is absolutely 100% natural. Your mum and dad were married forever in your world and now he's behaving almost as if she didn't exist. You wanted to share your crushing grief and your beloved mum's memory with someone who felt exactly the same but instead he's galivanting around falling in love and having fun. I really do understand.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood 😘

@ginasevern I disagree. What has the OP got to be resentful about?

She is just trying to process her dad being with another woman, after being with her dear mum for what, 60 odd years? It's a new chapter in her life, and a BIG change, that will take some getting used to. But I don't think she is coming across as resentful.

I wonder if, by meeting her, you would actually feel better about it all?

She isn't going to replace your mum in your, or his, eyes.

They and a full life together and it sounds like a happy one?

He just wants to enjoy the years he has left.

I'm in the same boat. My dad met someone 6 months after my mum died, they were married for 50 years

I can only speak from my own experience. LIke your DF, mine did not rush into anything and was very considerate of our feelings (I have siblings). However, I knew (and I'm sure we all did) that while he had quite an active social life and friends etc, he was lonely. As he'd said to me a few times - it's the evenings and just day to day stuff doing it alone. This was particularly hard as he'd been retired for 20 years and while him and my mum were very independent of each other, they really did spend a lot of time together.

He had one sort of pseudo girlfriend who we all knew anyway. that was fine as it was very downplayed.

But he has now, years later, developed quite a serious relationship with another woman. Like you, he has no intention of makign it more formal. They don't have any desire to move in together and in fact, I don't know if they even stay over at each other's houses - I suspect not due to pets and other issues. They HAVE however gone on a few holidays together.

My siblings and I have all met her. She seems nice. But what makes it all very painless is that no one is askign us or her to step into the "Stepmother" role. She comes along to various family events, as my dad does with her family. But not in any way as the "matriarch". And when we are around (we don't live locally) we still get lots of time with my dad without her.

And she seems to make my dad happy so that is good for me too.

I think you shoudl meet her. That doesn't mean you need to be getting her babysitting your children or expecting mother-daughter shopping trips.

As I stated in my post, I certainly wasn't trying to be unkind and the OP sounds like a very loving and caring person. However, feelings of resentment/sadness/confusion are extremely common when a bereaved parent meets someone else. It's very hard not to feel that the beloved deceased (perhaps especially when it's your mum) is somehow being betrayed even though it is totally irrational. However, human emotion can be irrational particularly in the midst of grief. This really is a very common experience and is perfectly normal.

You have been kind in your posts to me @ginasevern. I would not characterize my feelings as resentful. I feel grief at the loss of my DM and really emotionally fragile. A bit lonely in my sadness as I am an only child. I do not believe I am resentful. But I will reflect on what you say. I have no time for resentment. If that is creeping in - and whilst I don’t think it is I shall not disregard the possibility - then I need to work on that. It’s an unattractive trait.

Op I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your parents.
I've not been in your position but I know that I'd want my remaining parent to be happy. It's really difficult because a child can't get a new mum, but in other bereavements someone can get a new partner, friend or even sibling (depending on age). So it's easier for their lives to 'go on'. I have spoken to my dh and if I died I'd want him to meet someone else- though they better be nice and kind!

One thing that would worry me though in your position is being left behind if you don't meet this lady. If you disengage from your dad emotionally or physically this may push him to become even closer to her children and wider family. How would you feel about this?

Can I suggest that if and when you do meet her you make the first meeting just between the two of you, without your DF. I think you would have more chance of finding common ground if you weren’t actually seeing their relationship in front of you. Maybe coffee at a neutral venue like a garden centre or other anonymous space. I hope it goes well, your dad sounds like a caring and thoughtful man, and you have clearly inherited those qualities from him.

Incidentally, one of the things that is quite sweet about my dad and his girlfriend is how respectful and kind they are about each other's spouse. It is quite clear to me that they have spent quite a lot of time talking about their respective long (and mostly) happy marriages and that both 100% respect those memories. Both still wear their original wedding rings, for example. And she has made small minor comments to me that make it clear she thinks my mum was probably a very nice person (she was)

I can understand how hard it is for you but you do have to put these feelings behind you. Of course your dad is hurt, he just hasn’t told you. It would be very unkind to say you will never meet his girlfriend.
It’s very common for people to think widows/widowers should never meet anyone else. He still loves your mum. He just still has a life to lead too - he didn’t die, and life is for living to the full. It’s hard to explain how you feel as the remaining spouse, but meeting a new love doesn’t mean you love the deceased one any less.
Don’t spoil your lovely relationship with your dad.

Thank you @elevens24. I do feel a bit less emotionally close to my DF but we have definitely not disengaged. We live in the same street and I see him several times a week still. He comes for dinner, comes away on holiday with us. We are still close. I don’t intend to push him away. But I do agree that I need to adjust and make this change for his and my sake.

Thanks @viques. I think that would be less emotionally charged. But maybe more socially awkward? It’s something worth considering though.

Tbh, OP, your dad sounds like a really lovely man.

Oh, it’s an awful conflicted feeling, isn’t it? I very much understand the feeling that the loss of my mother is permanent for me but my father’s loss of a life partner was sort of temporary. It absolutely doesn’t diminish his grief over the loss of my mum as a person, as an individual, I get that, but somehow her role is replaced but with a stranger who’s definitely Not Mum. It’s hard - you want them to be happy but you can’t ignore your own feelings.

Best way is to keep any initial meeting short and sweet and as casual as possible - and with an out if needed. So ‘popping over’ to your dad’s for a cuppa/to borrow something/to help with something like gardening or decorating when his friend can be there too, but keeping it informal.

We had this with my FIL who sadly has now had to deal with 2 deaths of partners- the simple fact is he likes having a woman in his life- it made him happy and I know he loved them both