Advice please on how to navigate relationship with my widowed DF now he has met someone new

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

My DM died in July 2021 aged 81, after a long illness. I still miss her very much. My grief has not much abated truth be told.

My DF had been the most wonderful husband to her. He nursed her at home with exceptional tenderness and devotion. He has also been a wonderful father to me. And a fantastic grandfather. I am an only child and really close to my parents.

A year after DM’s death my DF told me he was going to start going on outings and lunches with “lady friends”. He was not lonely socially, but he told me he was looking for a romantic relationship. I was stunned, not because of his age (he presents at least a decade younger than he is) but because I had never seen him with anyone other than my DM. But I did not say anything negative. He went on various dates with quite a variety of women.

In January 2023 he told me that things were getting serious with a particular woman and that he was going to stop seeing any others. Since then that relationship has progressed. They have had weekends away together. Stay over Friday nights at each other’s homes and have a cruise booked for this summer. DF told me (without my asking him) that they have no plans to marry or cohabit. She also has a full life. She is mid 70s. She sounds like a nice woman.

I have never met her. My DF has met her daughter and grandchildren. He goes to celebration meals with them. I said to him early on that I was pleased for him but that I would prefer not to meet her. He has never pushed me to do so.

I love my DF very much. But I feel less close to him now. He is enjoying life again and I feel so conflicted, as I want that for him but feel such anguish it’s not with my DM.

DF and I have never argued about his relationship. I have never said anything unkind.

I cannot face meeting this woman. I have nothing against her at all. I do not wish for them to split up given he’s plainly so happy. I just cannot face seeing them together. I am a 57 year old woman with a good life. Please help. Is it ok to remain on loving terms with my DF but never meet this woman? Or if that is not ok, how do I get over myself?

That is good to hear @GingerIsBest. My DF’s partner knew my DM. They were not close friends. But did know each other quite well. My DF wears his wedding ring still. He can’t actually get it off! But I suspect he would anyway!

Thank gou @Candleabra. I have not said to my DF that I would never meet her. I said (over a year ago) that I did not want to meet her then. I recognise that because of his nature the next move in that regard would have to come from me. He is the least pressuring of people one could ever meet. It’s because I am considering meeting her that I have started this thread. To help me process what I should do.

Yes @GreyCarpet he is a lovely man. Really lovely.

@NoSquirrels. You have summed it up so well that the loss of my mum is permanent whilst the loss of a life partner for him is temporary.

@Crikeyalmighty yes. My DF does seem to really enjoy the company of women. He was, I am totally sure, devoted and faithful to my DM throughout the whole of their marriage. So I never really saw that side of him whilst she was alive.

I'm glad that you're happy for your father and realise that his new relationship doesn't in any way take away from the love he always had and still has for your mum. I'm sure he understands how hard it would be for you to see him with someone else though. Give yourself more time. Maybe have some grief counselling to talk through how your feelings. You're not in the wrong and neither is your dad, we all deal with things in different ways 💐

your last line, how perceptive

I'm in a very similar position. Mum and Dad were together since being teenagers, married for 55 years when dad died 5 years ago.

3 years ago, at the age of 79, my mum started a new relationship. It was slightly different in that it was with an old family friend whose wife died shortly after my dad did.

I wasn't upset about the relationship per se, but the fact that she moved 300 miles away from all her friends to live with him.

However, they are very happy together. They have an amazing social life, they do lots of travelling together, and there is a lot of love and laughter between them.

The one thing I found very upsetting was a few weeks ago when my mum sold her wedding ring. She didn't need the money, it seemed a very odd thing to do. I posted on here about it and basically got told to grow up and accept it.

I think that, when people have had a very happy relationship, they seek to replicate it as they know they are happier being a couple.

I know it's very hard, but please try to be happy for your dad. His partner is important to him, it would mean a lot to him if you met her

We had this same situation with FIL. Dh's brother was heartbroken and didn't want anything to do with the new woman as it was only 6 months after MILs passing. I told dh we have to accept FILs new woman as a positive addition to his and our lives. Without her he'd be really depressed and lonely and we'd have to pick up the pieces, to be brutally honest we'd have to include him a lot more in our day to day lives and it would be a struggle for us all. We view her as a companion for him, they've no intention of getting married or living together but stay over at each other's homes regularly. They've now been together years, she'll never replace MIL, but what harm are they doing? He's made a will and included her in it but we don't mind, she deserves it as she does a lot for him, really MIL got his best years and this lady has got him in the years where he is deteriorating. He's now in his nineties and I think she's the only thing that keeps him going. We are grateful to her for making his later years very happy. Even BIL came to accept her in the end and we include her in all family events, buy her birthday and Christmas presents etc we just view her as a family friend. It was strange at first seeing him with another woman, the grandchildren also took a bit of time to get used to it. He, too, had cared for MIL for years and we suddenly saw a different version of him with his new lady, he had a new lease of life at a time when we were all still mourning MIL. If we hadn't eventually accepted their relationship then there would have been a big fall out, which was something none of us wanted.

Oh my @EmmaGrundyForPM I am really sorry that your mum sold her wedding ring. And just as sorry that you were told to grow up. I bet that was on AIBU? Honestly there is a startling lack of empathy over there at times. Particularly over issues with parents once one is an adult.

Thsnk you for your kind words @Noseybookworm.

@Ariela Your experience and reasoning of the situation is exactly the same as ours.

It sounds as though your family have dealt with it really well @Smokeysgirl.

I feel for you OP. I’ve been in the same boat as you. I think you’re being a bit selfish though. Think about your dad’s feelings here. He’s lost his number one person. You I’m assuming are married with kids? How would you feel if your dad passed away and you had made his last few years difficult? I know that’s tough to hear but it’s what drives me to accept my situation. Putting my dad first. Good luck.

You have summed it up so well that the loss of my mum is permanent whilst the loss of a life partner for him is temporary.

Please don’t think that. As I said, it really is hard to put into words what it’s like being a widow. The loss of a spouse is absolutely devastating. A partner isn’t a placeholder until the next one comes along.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood It wasn't easy and my heart goes out to you, I can understand how you feel. One thing I will say is that by meeting this lady, you can at least "check her out" for yourself and maybe it'll put your mind at rest about their relationship. At first we thought "who on earth is this woman", BIL convinced she was after his money but on meeting her and getting to know her, she's just another lonely person looking for companionship in her later years. FIL is now not in great health and I've said to dh we can't just abandon "lady friend" if anything happens to him, we'll have to still include her in our lives (she's a widow without children or close family). We've come to look on her as an asset in all of our lives, an extra member of the family.

I’ve been there @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood . It’s not the easiest thing to navigate but for the sake of my dad, I put my big girl pants on and met and socialised with my dad’s new love. I think you should really try and do this. Your dad still has his life to live and you want him to be happy.

This post has made me feel a bit sick. I'm a widow, with no plans to find someone else, but if I did, I'd be devastated if my DC couldn't find it in them to invite them to "celebration dinners", or to come to mine if he was present.

Do it once and I'm sure it will get easier.

OP i’m so sorry for your loss it took me a long time to get over losing my parents. I think you need to reframe this though. Your Dad is enjoying life and it means he is less dependent on you. I used to worry constantly about my mum when my dad died.

As a widow who has remarried (very happily), I echo what @Candleabra says. I've lost both parents, beloved grandparents, close friends but it is different and very, very isolating, however supportive everyone around you is. I'm sure there are people who form new relationships instead of grieving or just because they can't be alone, but I think for most there is the knowledge that life is short and rejecting the chance of happiness is not wise. It actually does not honour the person who has died. If it had been me and not my late husband, I would have wanted him to be OK, whatever that took and I know he felt the same (we did actually discuss it, long before he was ill)

This is no reflection on you or his marriage to your DM, which sounds wonderful. He won't stop loving her any more than a parent stops loving a firstborn when the second child is born.

I hope this makes sense @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood it is quite hard to articulate properly.

Please meet her OP, your Dad sounds so lovely, as you said he supported and cared for your Mum with tenderness and devotion and surely now has a right to his own personal happiness and your acceptance.
If it were me l'd be so pleased that he has found companionship and love, he deserves it. It won't diminish the love he had, and still has, for your Mum and for you. I agree grief counselling would help you move forward, please do consider it.

Thank you for continuing to comment. Too many comments now to mention you by name.

Just to be totally clear about my position - this is not about my not wanting my DF to have a relationship. I was stunned when it started. But I see it makes him happy and I hope it continues.

Overwhelmingly, the advice is I should meet my DF’s partner. I suspected this would be the advice. I posted having in mind the advice I was likely to get and hoping it would be a vector for change. The suggestion, made by a few of you, for counselling seems worthwhile.

Op, I think your feelings are completely understandable. The loss of a parent really upsets the family unit that you have had. Three years later I can hardly believe my dad isn't still here, doing all the things he did to make us feel like a family.

Meeting your dad's new girlfriend I think will make you feel that loss again- kind of underlining that what you had as a family is gone or changed. You feel enough grief without needing to pile more on.

I wonder if the fact that your dad is also doing things with her and her family also feels weird? I think for me I might feel like he's replacing what you had with something else.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood I feel for you. BUT, with compassion, I think you are punishing your DF for moving on when you haven't been able to and, if you keep making him compartmentalise his life in this way, you are likely to lose your closeness with him and miss on out happy times in his last years.

My DF had dementia when DM died. He hasn't recognised me for over a year. I would give anything to have fun, happy, meaningful time with him in his last years instead of visiting his care home to hold his hand and wonder when he will finally be released from this awful, living death. Please don't miss out on your DF's joy for life and all the good things you, he and his GF could experience together.

Thank you@mewkins. I know that my DF loves me and the grandchildren very much. But yes it does feel very odd indeed that he went to have dinner with his partner and her daughter and 2 grandchildren to celebrate the grand daughter’s birthday. Even had I met the partner we would not have gone to that meal and I think, particularly given I have no siblings, that felt very strange.

I know that meeting the partner will be hard for me emotionally. Very hard. I’m looking to balance the emotional cost to me against the happiness it will bring my DF. I really do not hold the view that my lack of meeting her thus far has upset my DF much. But I do see longer term it will become problematic. I will need some counselling, but I can see the need to do it given I believe this relationship is likely to endure. Thank you for your understanding.

@harriethoyle i am very sorry for your loss and the loss of those last precious years. I certainly do not want to punish my DF. I have sought advice here in good faith. It has been wonderful to see my DF’s joy in life restored. Genuinely so.

My DM died in summer 2018 after a short illness. DM and DF had been married for 56 years. Autumn 2019 he joined an introduction agency (old school!) - DSIS and I had suggested he go online but he liked this way better. He was matched with a lovely widow who'd been in an equally long marriage, and they've been together ever since. Not joined at the hip, nor married, but spend a great deal of time together. And were able to spend lockdown together which was a real bonus at the time.

I can't even remember the first time I met her because it was so ordinary. It's a shame you've made a thing of it but that's past praying for now. I get that it's different when you are an only child. As you say you live close to your DF why not pop in for a quick cup of tea when you know she's there?

My DF's lady is a regular part of our family scene now. No-one is pretending she has replaced DM (or my DF her husband). Both deceased spouses are talked about in the usual way. It's fine. They are happy. DSIS and my relationship with DF has changed over the years since DM died of course - but that's because he's getting older. That's inevitable - not a consequence of the new lady being around.

Thank you @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood - it's just the way the cards fall. And I don't want to be one of those thread wankers who plays misery top trumps 🤣 you've had some great advice here and I really hope you find a resolution that suits everyone

My friend's dad was on dating sites before her mum's funeral. The funeral was three weeks after she died.

I wouldn't see this woman as a partner really as they are not going to get married or live together. It's more healthy for your dad now to have someone his own age who he can go out with. It could've created a big problem for you if he was more lonely. I've heard that a lot of people who have happy marriages find it easier to move on afterwards for some reason.

I am really sorry you lost your lovely mum. It must be really tough for you.