Advice please on how to navigate relationship with my widowed DF now he has met someone new

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

My DM died in July 2021 aged 81, after a long illness. I still miss her very much. My grief has not much abated truth be told.

My DF had been the most wonderful husband to her. He nursed her at home with exceptional tenderness and devotion. He has also been a wonderful father to me. And a fantastic grandfather. I am an only child and really close to my parents.

A year after DM’s death my DF told me he was going to start going on outings and lunches with “lady friends”. He was not lonely socially, but he told me he was looking for a romantic relationship. I was stunned, not because of his age (he presents at least a decade younger than he is) but because I had never seen him with anyone other than my DM. But I did not say anything negative. He went on various dates with quite a variety of women.

In January 2023 he told me that things were getting serious with a particular woman and that he was going to stop seeing any others. Since then that relationship has progressed. They have had weekends away together. Stay over Friday nights at each other’s homes and have a cruise booked for this summer. DF told me (without my asking him) that they have no plans to marry or cohabit. She also has a full life. She is mid 70s. She sounds like a nice woman.

I have never met her. My DF has met her daughter and grandchildren. He goes to celebration meals with them. I said to him early on that I was pleased for him but that I would prefer not to meet her. He has never pushed me to do so.

I love my DF very much. But I feel less close to him now. He is enjoying life again and I feel so conflicted, as I want that for him but feel such anguish it’s not with my DM.

DF and I have never argued about his relationship. I have never said anything unkind.

I cannot face meeting this woman. I have nothing against her at all. I do not wish for them to split up given he’s plainly so happy. I just cannot face seeing them together. I am a 57 year old woman with a good life. Please help. Is it ok to remain on loving terms with my DF but never meet this woman? Or if that is not ok, how do I get over myself?

I think it is going to be socially awkward anyway until you find common ground, I just think it will be easier for you to negotiate this together without the presence of your dad!

I wonder if might be you using this as a deflection for grieving?

You seem so lovely OP, it seems you want the best for your Dad, and for him to be happy in a relationship, and have got stuck with the part that this means your Mum has died.
You know it isn’t about the new person in his life, it’s about how meeting her would feel like a betrayal: not because of your Dad being unfaithful, but because you are accepting that you have made a step forward in processing your grief.

If this woman passed away tomorrow, can you imagine giving your Dad permission or your blessing to be with someone?

Meeting this woman is not betraying your Mum, honestly it isn’t. She wouldn’t want you to be upset, or feeling overwrought about this. Just keep it short and light.

But maybe also counselling?

You don’t have to meet her, but meeting her doesn’t disrespect your mother in any way. It’s entirely reasonable for DF to want company and as others have said this didn’t diminish his love for your mum. Hopefully in time you’ll be able to be supportive and take interest in his life and new partner.

Thank you @LeoTheLeopard your kind words have made me cry.

That doesn't mean they're not a partner
My dad can't live with his as she would lose all her benefits

I think most posters have already covered what I would say. However, one other point is that I resisted meeting my dad's partner for a while as I was struggling with my own things and it definitely made it into a bigger deal and 'a thing' - it also meant that in that time, he became close with her daughters and then I felt on the outside (not through any fault of theirs) and that added new painful feelings. When we did finally spend time together, I liked her company and saw that she made my dad happy and regretted not doing it sooner. I would try and meet but I'd keep it super casual - perhaps a quick hello walk in the park or coffee and cake (so neutral territory), or a hello while dropping something off and then build up to social things if that feels comfortable. But keep the first meeting 15 mins and do that a few times.
I think the fact he has found a good relationship with someone new is actually a testament to the one he had with your mother.
Sending best wishes - it is painful to have these feelings.

Thank you @Onelifeonly22. It has become a bit of a big deal. When DF started dating again I was very far from ready to be meeting anyone he was involved with.

Reading all these responses has really helped me.

One thing that makes me regretful - and it’s not my DF’s fault, but it has made a difference - is that I feel he started dating again fairly early on (not as early as some on this thread, but it seemed quite soon to me). My grief was so raw still when he announced his intention to date, and still raw when he told me about his partner, that I just could not countenance meeting her.

The emotion that I experienced around his new relationship halted my grieving process I think. So whilst I don’t blame DF for wanting to get on with things, aged 80, I do think that had he been meeting his partner now, I would have been in a better place to meet her. And it would have been less of a “thing”. I am really not blaming him at all. But DF and I are now in different places emotionally and that has created a bit of a distance between us. I do not think it’s about fault. Certainly not his. And in my heart I do not really think mine either. I know what I need to do. But I’m not sure I could have done differently until now.

A year after isn't bad really.

It's probably because he had such a lovely marriage with your mum that he has so much to give someone else. Also, practically speaking, having a partner will probably keep him going longer than if he were alone.

I think you should meet her, hard as it is.

There isn't fault here with anyone, it's just really sad and painful, but it's a shame to let it come between you when really you don't know how long you'll have him.

IME it is those who have had the most positive experience of marriage that are most bereft when they lose their spouse and quickly want to find the contentment of being in a relationship again - in fact do t really know how to function as a single person. Its a testament to your parents marriage that he was so happy it wants to try and find that again ..
... those who have had long awful marriages rarely look for a new partner in widowhood , regarding the spouses death as a release from hell - and will never go there again .

I think you need to meet her casually in a kinda low key way rather than a dinner or something formal. Does your dad do any activities that she joins him at ? ie Amateur dramatics, cricket , bowls, football ? Perhaps join them at that so there is a distraction should anything be awkward.

Thank you @category12. I agree.

Thank you@ap1999. They both have hobbies but nothing really shared that I could join in on.

I think if there is to be a meeting probably for coffee one day after work for me. I have a job I love and that I’m good at and dress smartly for and I would feel confident and “myself” meeting from work.

The hardest thing of all would be going to my DF’s house and seeing his partner there where my DM should be. I can’t in truth visualise ever doing that. Who knows though what will come in time. Thanks all. I’m going to take a break from the thread now and get ready to go out. It’s all really appreciated.

Him dating takes nothing away from his relationship with your Mum. He wants company, and although you haven’t got to meet her, it’s about your Dad and what he wants.

I think you said you are an only child OP & I wonder if that is part of it too? You don’t have siblings to talk to about your memories of your DM, the only person who shares them is your DF and now he has met someone else maybe it feels awkward to raise memories of your mum.

Don't feel too bad, in my example I did meet her within the first year and she's been at every significant family gathering, including my wedding, since. So even though it was hard for me to wrap my head around and it did go a bit faster than I liked I didn't punish DF or his partner, I just needed time to grieve mum before I was ready to see him move on.

Gently.... you have to meet her. Your dad was s great husband to your mum. He misses that company and still loves and misses your mum as much as you do. He has little time left. Be happy he has someone to help ease the pain of losing the live of his life.

She isn't replacing your mum but your reluctance not to accept her will make him sad and he will inevitably start to see less of you as her family is embracing him

Why do you want to see your dad sad and lonely? Your mum surely wouldn't want that

Be kind to him

You are also grieving that doesn't change you are not being disloyal to your mum by accepting her Shes a nice old lady thats making your dad's limited time left more bearable

I don’t speak from personal experience but I imagine this to be very difficult for you. A close friend of mine lost her mum and within a short time her beloved elderly dad was in a relationship with a woman who had been a family friend. She found it very difficult but eventually realised this lady was actually contributing to her own life by relieving her of the worry about her dad being lonely. He had somebody to go on holiday with, somebody to go to dinner with, somebody to just spend time with and that took a lot of pressure off my friend.
it obviously still makes her heart tighten on occasion but overall she appreciates knowing her dad is not alone (he is in his 90s) is better than the only real alternative.
As hard as it must be I hope you can make some sort of peace with it OP and can find a way to accept her into your life even if that is just occasionally 💐

Brace yourself OP, I’m going to tell you a hard truth: you need to make this lady’s acquaintance, to minimise much worse ‘meeting situations’.

She is ten years younger than your father, in all likelihood she is going to outlive him. If he becomes more frail, she may have to be , want to be ( I hope) involved in his care. If he dies before her, she is going to expect at the very least to be at the funeral.

These are not meeting for the first time situations you should contemplate if they can be avoided.

You say you live in the same road! I’m amazed you haven’t bumped into her / them, I wonder if you are unconsciously avoiding it. Anyway, the longer you leave it, potentially the more embarrassing or distressing it is going to be.
Do you ever have local events like street parties, fetes, fund raisers? That would be the ideal time to ‘just bump into ‘ each other , short exchange of meaningless pleasantries and on your way. Next time will be easier, and the next.

After all, you have something very important in common : your love for DF.

Meet this woman, she is making your lovely DF happy and I’m sure you want him to be happy.

My mum passed away a few weeks before yours. I’ve told my dad that he should do whatever makes him happy and if he does find another woman then I’d be happy for him.

Lifes too short. Your mum, like mine, has sadly passed away and is never coming back. You can’t expect him to wait around lonely until the day he dies. He has his own life to live and he should live it in a way that makes him happy.

I personally think you should meet her, she’ll never be your mother, you’ll only ever have one of those. She’ll never replace her. But your dad deserves to live oht his final years happy.

I have been through this OP. My mum died very suddenly and it was like a tornado blew through our lives. My dad loved her deeply (married for nearly 50 years) but within a year he told me he was 'talking to' an old family friend who was a widow. I went through so many different emotions but ultimately I was ok with it. The alternative was for my dad to be sad and lonely and maybe even die earlier than he might have. I couldn't bear the thought.

I think it's important to give yourself time and as others have said, keep open to the possibility of meeting her. If your dad is a good man then it's quite likely he's picked (another) good woman and you might be surprised at how it could bring something new to your life.

When I first dropped by my dad's house and his partner was there, I was struck by how much love and laughter was once again in the house. It had been stripped cold by the shock of my mum's sudden passing but once again, there was warmth and light and love. They are married now and I have grown to really like her. I actually think my mum would have approved.

It is a tough journey but I would suggest you keep open to the possibility of one day meeting her. You don't have to, of course, but your life might be richer if you do.

OP please don’t assume your dad isn’t lonely because he’s busy and has a wonderful family around him. The loneliness comes from the mundane. I had kids, a social life, a wonderful family and siblings, a great job and amazing friends. The loneliness was overwhelming, it’s sad the mundane. Cooking for one, nobody to watch TV with, the physical presence of a romantic partner nobody to chat rubbish with, all the bits of day to day life we take for granted. He probably felt this

I mean this very kindly, but you have to let your DF find some love with another person. My DM died in her 40s. I was 21. My DF found a partner (my now step mum) about two years later. Yes, it’s not easy at first, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to be on his own. He could have ten or more years of happiness with someone else.

Thank you for the additional comments since I signed off yesterday. All very kind.

@Theeyeballsinthesky yes I have no doubt at all that my being an only child plays a big part in how I feel. I would not have changed my childhood, or my parents. But it’s quite a lonely experience grieving my DM now (despite having a great DH and super children).

@Maddy70 I totally would not want my dad to be sad and lonely. And I hope I have made that clear. The posting here is about how I navigate things, whether I meet his partner and how I cope with that. It’s not about me wanting him to end the relationship.

So far as my DM is concerned, of course she would not want him sad. But truly, in my heart, I can’t say I think she would have really wanted this. Or maybe it’s more that she never foresaw it. She expected to die before him because of her physical frailty (she remained very mentally astute until an hour before she died but was quite poorly for 4 or 5 years before that) and she saw a future for him filled with his family and extended family, friends (he has many), meals out, theatre trips, holidays abroad, all sorts of things. Things he had not done in the years leading up to her death as he would not leave her She knew he would have an open door at my house for evening meals whenever he wanted. But I know she did not really envisage another romantic partner for him. That’s part of why I have struggled; largely because they met so young and were all each other had ever known.

@Louinashoe thank you for sharing your friend’s experience. I can certainly see all the ways that my DF’s partner contributes to his life.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen Certainly thinking about the future is a significant factor that contributes to my acknowledgement that I need to meet DF’s partner. In terms of life expectancy, DF is not a decade older though (he is 82 and she is just turned 76) and he comes from a long line of people living well into their late 90s and even 100s! But I accept that he will not always stay as fit as he presently is and that one never knows what is around the corner. I am 57 and have not felt that well since the death of DM and menopause hit me; one consolation is that if I die before DF he will have a companion to support him! Genuinely I have thought of that scenario too.

Slightly more seriously, part of the reason I did question whether I needed to put myself through the emotional upheaval of meeting DF’s partner is that DF really is doing well; as fit as any man of his age could possibly be (his doctor said so when he went for a check up, he’s on no meds at all) and I’ve never seen him happier; whereas I’m not doing so well, physically or emotionally. I am the main breadwinner in a really demanding job and 2 of our 3 children are still financially dependant (one at uni and the youngest only 12). So I have a lot of pressure on me and I really was not sure if I could handle the emotional toll of meeting DF’s partner. This thread has helped me to see that I need to “push through.”

Thank you @thermostatical and @Mamimoo for sharing your personal experiences. I admire how you dealt with things.

@Chattywatty i do indeed know my DF missed the presence of a romantic partner. I think it was that rather than general loneliness that was the issue for him. You write very vividly about your experience. I hope things are better now.

@Maray1967 I totally accept that DF should be free to meet someone. I am not looking to get in the way of his relationship. I am just trying to navigate my own grief and my responses. Losing your DM was a cruel blow. I admire your resilience.

Thank you all for posting. You have helped me greatly. I probably shan’t post again as I think I have got what I need. A pretty clear view of what I need to do. And a semi formed plan of how to achieve it. But I shall return to the thread to read it when the need arises.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Your feelings are totally understandable. I also don't believe my late MIL would have been happy to think her dh had found romantic love again after her death. If she'd died young it would have been different but they were both mid eighties. We get our heads around this by viewing them as "companions". However, we've really had no choice but to accept new woman, if we hadn't there would have been a fall out and we'd have become estranged from FIL and who knows what could have happened as, as he's got older, he's become more vulnerable. I completely understand that, being an only child, this has changed your whole family dynamic, your father has gained not just this woman but her family also, when you've been used to it being just the 3 of you (plus your dh, dcs). Like us, you can't change things, so you are going to have to be brave and try and accept it. If it had been my dad and not my FIL I think I would have felt like you, upset on behalf of my mum but I would still have met her, got to know her etc even if it was to keep my eye on things and new woman and her family were made aware I was a big presence in his life. One thing that helped my BIL cope with the situation was that FIL told us he wasn't going to remarry or live with this lady. They both have money and own their property so it's in her interests too. They spend their time at each others houses but both know they have their own homes to retreat too. He has included her in his will, which he has been quite open about, but she does such a lot for him that we think she deserves it. Just recently she's talked of him going into a care home, something he absolutely dreads the idea of. We've arranged extra help in his home for him, visit every other day and believe he's still capable of living in his own home. If he'd married her, we'd have had no say in the matter and all decisions would have been up to her as his wife.

I understand how you feel, especially the feeling left behind, alone with your grief part. That must be incredibly difficult and painful.

I was only in my thirties when my mother died. My dad never remarried, he has no intention to do so. He has, however, rekindled his relationship with certain family members who had a strained relationship with my mum. (Frankly, they treated her unfairly.) It was strange at the time, it was as though my dad had broken his loyalty to my mum.

Then a thought occurred to me: surely it wouldn't be fair to go through life losing loved ones along the way, without gaining new connections.

I would gently suggest to look at your dad's new partner like a new connection, a new person whose presence in your dad's life helps him go on and look to the future. Even at 80-something, he needs to do that. It does not mean he is no longer grieving. It means he is living his life, as he ought to do. Quite likely, the new connection will lengthen his life and make his twilight years healthier. That's a bonus, surely?

Hugs to you, OP. xxx