Advice please on how to navigate relationship with my widowed DF now he has met someone new

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

My DM died in July 2021 aged 81, after a long illness. I still miss her very much. My grief has not much abated truth be told.

My DF had been the most wonderful husband to her. He nursed her at home with exceptional tenderness and devotion. He has also been a wonderful father to me. And a fantastic grandfather. I am an only child and really close to my parents.

A year after DM’s death my DF told me he was going to start going on outings and lunches with “lady friends”. He was not lonely socially, but he told me he was looking for a romantic relationship. I was stunned, not because of his age (he presents at least a decade younger than he is) but because I had never seen him with anyone other than my DM. But I did not say anything negative. He went on various dates with quite a variety of women.

In January 2023 he told me that things were getting serious with a particular woman and that he was going to stop seeing any others. Since then that relationship has progressed. They have had weekends away together. Stay over Friday nights at each other’s homes and have a cruise booked for this summer. DF told me (without my asking him) that they have no plans to marry or cohabit. She also has a full life. She is mid 70s. She sounds like a nice woman.

I have never met her. My DF has met her daughter and grandchildren. He goes to celebration meals with them. I said to him early on that I was pleased for him but that I would prefer not to meet her. He has never pushed me to do so.

I love my DF very much. But I feel less close to him now. He is enjoying life again and I feel so conflicted, as I want that for him but feel such anguish it’s not with my DM.

DF and I have never argued about his relationship. I have never said anything unkind.

I cannot face meeting this woman. I have nothing against her at all. I do not wish for them to split up given he’s plainly so happy. I just cannot face seeing them together. I am a 57 year old woman with a good life. Please help. Is it ok to remain on loving terms with my DF but never meet this woman? Or if that is not ok, how do I get over myself?

I think this is a bit of a concern. While you are hitting the pause button he is living and moving forward. The longer you wait to integrate with his new family the more difficult it will be and the more you will feel like an outsider. I absolutely understand your grief and loss but life is for the living. Try to accept and welcome this new phase for him so that you don’t end up estranged by default.

Firstly, she's not a replacement for your Mum, she is just a friend who happens to be female.

We have both sides of this - my Mum and my DH's Mum have both passed away, but our Dad's are alive.

DH's Dad has a new partner, and to be honest we never see him anymore. That grates, however, she is good company for him, and they enjoy wonderful holidays etc. When he gets frail, she will care for him, as they now live together (she is younger).

My Dad had no interest in dating when my Mum passed. Consequently, his main contacts are me and my sister. This means that he sits alone in his flat most days, he is reliant on my sister for all of his "entertainment" like meals out on birthdays, Christmas etc (I live far away), and he calls me and my sister several times a day, even though we both work and it's difficult to take calls.

On balance, I would have liked my Dad to gain a lady friend to do things with, to cook with, to watch telly with (or whatever), because the alternative is to be lonely all the time, and also means me and my sister have to keep him emotionally afloat, day in, day out.

Neither scenario is ideal, as it would be better if Mums were still alive, but I do think it's a case here of "pick your poison".

Having said I might not post again, I have found such help and solace in the messages I felt I wanted to.

@Smokeysgirl your family have behaved so well and so sensibly. You all sound lovely.

Thank you @Rec0veringAcademic your post brought tears to my eyes. I like the thought of a new connection. You have helped me.

@pikkumyy77 i do not think we would ever become estranged. I still see DF multiple times a week and we have a weeks holiday planned for later in the year. But I totally accept what you say that the longer I leave it the harder it might become.

@Blondiebeachbabe i can see that is a worry with your DF. Mine is at a bit of a different stage as, even without his partner, he’s was and still is always out and about doing things, playing sport, watching rugby, having lunch, meeting friends. He is so active and well in himself. But I do acknowledge that frailty comes eventually to all who live long enough. I do worry what that would look like for him then. Everything points to me meeting the new partner (not so new now really I accept) and building some sort of connection with her.

Thanks again everyone.

You will grieve your mum, as your dad will.

But, he’s decided he needs someone else in his life - all quite normal.

Better that, than him being lonely and leaning on you too much.

I have been through similar with my 'D'F. Difference being that he was impatient with DM at the end. (Actually, all along) He's been carrying on with the current woman for about a year. Never told me about her, I just walked in and found her in my mother's house one day. He has been high handed and dismissive of my grief. Then bullied me into an official meeting. I don't want anything to do with his 'situation'. Our relationship has soured considerably since mum died.

Your situation sounds a lot better than mine, although there's no getting away from the raw grief. It sounds like you will be okay in the end. The strength of loyalty to one's mother is intense. My father's carry ons feel like a betrayal to me and I don't trust him.

My 92 year old father is lovingly caring for my 92 year old mother who has dementia. They have been together for 83 years having met as children. I have no doubt that my father could fall in love again after my mother dies and I would want him to. Honestly I would. The more wonderful the marriage the more likely the new relationship will be, especially for men.

This is beautiful ❤️

I just wanted to say @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood that I think the way you're handling this, and how you speak about your DF, really says a lot about the closeness of your family unit, the love and respect you share and how you all want to move forward together in a positive way. It's a really hard situation having been there myself, and it's very hard to think about balancing your own wellbeing with other people's happiness. The fact that you're asking for advice and taking it on board without being defensive just says a whole lot of good things about you as a person. So sending you positive thought and best wishes for the future!

A couple of posters on here have insinuated that if a widower doesn't get it together with a new woman asap then he didn't love his wife or it was an unhappy marriage.

Without wishing to hijack OPs thread, that is a nonsense and insulting to those dead women. I know of several men who were deeply in love with their wife and after her death threw/have thrown themselves into family, friends, hobbies, work, sport, community etc. IMO it's about whether a man is always looking for the next dopamine hit or values what he already has.

Thank you all for the additional insights. I am grateful to everyone for posting.

I am sorry @Aldertrees for your situation. That must be hard to tolerate. Particularly if trust has gone.

@EnterFunnyNameHere thank you for your kind words. I am glad that I have presented on here as open to advice. I feel as though I am and I am pleased that has come across. I feel quite fragile today. Just, I think, because I have laid myself quite bare (albeit anonymously). But have taken strength from the clear advice I have received.

What a weird take—aldertrees: no one has insinuated that at all. Obviously different couples handle grief and loss differently. No one has implied or stated anything else.

@pikkumyy77 this 👆🏻 is the most extreme post but yours and others have suggested a direct link that perfect first marriage = new woman straight away. In my experience that is not accurate. I have have known happily married widowers who didn't pursue women after their wife died.

Well jesus christ me too! So what: bad people also serially marry. This is not news. But happily married people sometimes do their grieving during the ling twilight of the marriage and are ready to reattach after the marriage ends. You are overinvested in your father’s crappy behavior and are interpreting everyone else’s point backwards.

Unhappy marriages or shitty partners can produce rapid, rebound, second marriages. Or avoidance of same.

Happy marriages can produce protracted mourning or rapid, rebound, new relationships.

It has been my experience that happy marriages end with sadness but the remaining partner, having nothing but positive memory of companionship, easily and rapidly seeks out or accepts a new partner.

That isn’t your experience but nothing in these statements is a judgment on you, or your mother. They don’t imply anything about your specific situation.

Sorry your father is crap.

I have found much assistance from this thread and am so grateful. I plan on returning to it when I need to for clarity. It would really assist me if discussions about the dynamics of marriages that lead a man to marry again are discussed on a thread of it’s own. I realise I do not have the right to insist on that. But this thread is quite personal to me and it would benefit me emotionally if we did not stray too far from its original purpose. I ask this as a favour. Not because I feel entitled.

Again, I am very grateful to you all.

Absolutely, OP!

Sorry for the hijack OP. I hope you find peace.

Thank you @pikkumyy77 and @Aldertrees.

Hello @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood . I have just stumbled upon your old thread, whilst trying to get my head around my recent family news. Apologies for replying to it so long after it was started but it was just what I needed! I lost my Mum (she was aged 77) in 2022 and still miss her very much, but I do know how fortunate I was to have had her all these years and I always count my blessings! I live in the same village as my Dad (now 81) and have become very close to him since we lost Mum. We kind of support each other, as I’ve been through a very difficult three years with my husband leaving, nasty childcare court case etc. We take him on holiday with us and he helps with some school runs and I’d recently even begin to think about whether I’d suggest he move in with us one day in the future, should he need more help. (He is currently very active etc.)
So It came as a huge shock to me last week when he told me he’s dating a lady. He’s so excited about it that he can’t stop mentioning it and even told my 12 year old son yesterday, which really surprised me. I’m only just getting my head round it myself, so I’m not sure why the kids need to know so soon but that might sound silly! So I just wondered where you are at a year on, if you don’t mind me asking.I hope you’re ok! Xx I love Dad so much and absolutely want him to be happy, but have felt weirdly unsettled since he suddenly told me. It was such a surprise! I’ve been sleeping badly and having lots of nightmares about Mum ever since, so it’s clearly playing on mind.

Some of your comments have really resonated with me: It all sound ridiculous but feelings of Mum now being forgotten, me being less important in his life going forward now, how the future will look. I think it’s just a case of adjusting and I want Dad to be happy, so have tried to show an interest and ask questions etc, but deep down inside it feels very strange and I’m not sure how to get through this bit! I’d never considered this might be part of the grieving process!xx