Husband depressed after birth of our second child ten weeks ago, says I make him want to kill himself

[AmberMoose]

My husband is depressed, regrets our baby and told me that I make him want to kill himself. I don't know what to do.

First time posting. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, perhaps some outsider perspective. My husband (41) and I (38) had our second baby 10 weeks ago. We also have a six year old daughter. Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold. Two miscarriages, two years of trying etc...

Second baby is significantly harder than our first - lots of crying, up 1000 times at night etc - and my husband is not coping. He has checked out and I feel like I am solo parenting our baby. He says he is depressed (post partum depression perhaps?) and is having a major existential crisis. He is so unhappy with our -admittedly, charmed - life and feels like I've been calling the shots over our ten year relationship.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself. I've been doing all I can to ensure he has free time - I took both kids out of the house when the baby was just a couple of weeks old to give him space when I was still sore and recovering and just wanted to be on the couch. He has taken several trips away to do various things related to his music, I have looked after the kids without complaint, I ask about how he's feeling, listen to him complain (about me and our life), take on additional life admin tasks to take them off his plate... All things he has expressed in the past make him feel loved and cared for.

Two nights ago when I got home after four days away (with both kids to give him space and free time) he says that the key to him feeling better is that he needs to better compartmentalise all his responsibilities and ensure he has enough time for all of them - i.e., more time. For him to have more free time, I need to exchange mine and I feel I have nomore.to give. I am feeling so much resentment towards him. I have been out of the house only twice by myself; I barely have had enough alone time to blow dry my hair over the past two and a half months. I have never asked for help ( I did once and it sent him on a spiral); not even in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted I feel I am about to crack. Never once have i handed him the baby and bottle and begged for an extra hour of sleep. The few times I have told him how hard it is he has essentially told me that ive gotten what I wanted (a baby) and to suck it up. He takes the baby every now and then for like ten minutes, baby cries, husband is like "urgh, no thank you! This baby is hard work!", never once stopping to reflect on what it's like for me during the other 23h and 50 minutes of the day.

He has said once before that he is becoming suicidal. Last night he raised it again and said .. this is a quote " you are making me want to kill myself". I want to say it's the depression talking and I am trying to be compassionate but I am also furious and trying hard not to be. The worst part is that he's not the first person to say that to me, my mum said something similar when I was like 10 (she had significant trauma that was never dealt with I now know and is generally not ok). This morning he hugged me and said he felt like there was a weight of, I hugged him back and we cried but I am left feeling like total shit - a truly horrible person that makes people want to kill themselves.

I am bouncing from rage to guilt to deep shame and I don't know what to do.

When I have been properly depressed post partum I had no ability or desire to do anything at all let alone taking up a hobby like d-jing.

I’ve only read your posts and I’m sure this has already been said but it’s so important.

MARRIAGE WORKS 2 WAYS When did he last put you first and put his needs aside?

Start getting your ducks in a row, I know you’re not ready to call it quits yet but I can not see this situation improving, make sure you are the one ready with the plan B.

This.

And again. Just because that was your experience doesn’t mean it is everyone’s.

Hi OP. This is harsh I know but I can't help thinking that he's just a selfish bastard who doesn't want to do the hard work of parenting a newborn. The fact he was diagnosed with 'adjustment disorder' after your first child makes me think it more. Adjustment disorder! Doesn't that just mean this is fucking hard I want someone else to do it!

As is often the case the first post nails it. Nothing really to add other than I agree with every word.

This happened to me after the birth of my second - which turned out to be twins

His feelings manifested itself in resentment towards them

I already did everything and I felt he was a weak selfish dick to expect me to take on even more (I was the main earner too!)

We divorced over it

You shouldn't have to put him first because he is not the most important person here. Your children are and the bluntly you, because you are primary care giver not swanning around putting your needs first being a 'DJ'. Tell him to either get help or to fuck off. You deserve better than this.

If he’s depressed then he needs to seek treatment. Has he done this? If he hasn’t and is just expecting you be his emotional crutch and punching bag, then I would slightly doubt how unwell he is. It sounds more like he wants to punish you for wanting a second child.

I think it's important to pay as much attention here to what he's doing as what he's saying. He's saying that he's depressed and suicidal, what is he doing about that? Is he seeking help? If not, why not? For me, if he's self aware enough to identify depression he is self aware enough to identify the first step towards improving that, even if he can't take it without your support.

You know him better than anyone on Mumsnet so I think you'll have a good idea if he is just wanting to moan and blame you for your joint decision to have a second child or if he's genuinely struggling and needs your help to take the first step to receive professional support. If it's the former then I hope you do not give him any headspace whatsoever, but if it might be the latter then maybe offer to book a GP appointment for him?

I'm sorry, your husband sounds like a gadlighting prick. YOU are doing all the Running but HE is the victim here? It's world upside down.

Depression is categorised by a set of biological symptoms (poor sleep, loss of appetite, lack of interest in every day activities and low mood) which are present for more that two weeks as per ICD 10 diagnostic manual. A person may express suicidal thoughts, make threats or self harm without a diagnosis of depression. This may be due to personality issues for example. Either way he needs to do something about this rather than blame you. How would this be your fault? You are so vulnerable yourself at the moment with a new baby and need to be supported.

Poor Johnny doesn’t like it when he’s not the centre of attention. This petulant, spoilt brat, behaviour is his way of attracting your attention and simultaneously gets him out of having to do any of the actual work.

Now, I’m sure the world needs yet another middle aged DJ, but (in the words of a PP) he needs to grow the fuck up.

"He's recently gotten really into DJing"

That's the giveaway. People who are genuinely suffering from depression don't recently get really into anything.
He's not depressed - he's a selfish man-child arsehole. And the men who "get into DJing" as part of a male mid-life rise and need "mental health" trips away from their family also tend to be the ones who'll slip their wedding ring into their pocket as soon as they're in the nightclub. You're very trusting.

uh huh

At this point in time his needs don't- and shouldn't- come first. You have a small child, a new baby and you yourself are recovering from birth. His needs are a low 4th in this scenario. He's making what should be a lovely time all about him, and preventing you from enjoying and bonding with the little one.

This.

Tell him to leave if he feels like that, because you and the children have to carry on and it would be easier if he just left before he kills himself.

He needs help send him to the gp and for therapy. It’s not your job to tiptoe round him. It’s not fair on you or the children. If he wants alone time that’s fine. But he also needs to share responsibility of his children. Maybe he needs to try bonding with the baby? You matter too. Have you shared what you need with him. You must be exhausted. The answer on these threads seems to always be leave. But marriage takes work and you both need to work together. At the moment he is considering himself and not you.

It's harder than it should be to say ltb in this situation, but...ltb. I knew one man who was depressed after his first baby was born, but it was not anything like what you are describing. In fact, all he ever said to his wife (my friend) was that he was not good enough. He was still doing all he could to help her with the baby.
Your husband sounds very much as if he's using some vague mental health issues as an excuse to do whatever he wants and trying to manipulate you into agreeing. Life is really hard with small children. When ours were little, we were both united in our view that this kinda sucks, but isn't forever. It's better now and he loves being a dad.

I think your husband should leave the dictation of plans to improve his mental health to the professionals, especially if his plans involve alcohol, which is a depressant.
I also think you should seek support for yourself independently because you can’t rely on him. Reach out to friends and family to see if you can get extra support and respite. Find a therapist. You can’t change others because you can take extra care of yourself.

This.

He may be genuinely suffering from depression (BUT IT IS NOT POST-PARTUM - he hasn't given birth), but the impression I get from your post is that he is just selfish.

He had his life running easily along - a child wh was a bit older and less demanding, a wife who looked after him, his job and his DJ-ing. It suited him. He liked it.

You decided together t have another child - OK you were keener than he was, but he still agreed that you would go ahead and conceive this baby together.

The baby is harder work than your first child and wakes frequently and he doesn't like it. He's tired. It doesn't matter to him that you, his even more exhausted wife, are the one to get up every single time and see to the baby's needs.

He effectively wants to do what he wants to do, and just have you taking care of the food and laundry for him again, just like the good old days before the baby arrived.

I have every sympathy with genuine depression - I suffer from it myself and in the past have felt suicidal, and it is shit, it really is - but I have never once blamed other people for how I felt. I wanted to take my life because I felt that I was dragging everyone else down with me, not because I blamed them for my state.

He is throwing this on you because he is totally selfish and refusing to take responsibility for his own selfishness.

I agree with other posters - it might be better if he moved out for a while. You would find it easier to get the baby into a routine without him there (because Baby is picking up on your distress, whether you are aware of it or not), and he can sort his ideas out.

@ItsADoggieDogWorld has said this He's trying very hard to make you look the bad guy. I'd be asking myself why. and I'm afraid I agree with her. This "existential crisis" is him feeling that he should be tom-catting around like an unmarried lad in his 20's, not (as he sees it) "trapped" with a family. I think this had been coming anyway - the baby has just been a trigger for him to accelerate it. It is NOT you. You are NOT a horrible person. He is just a selfish, immature man who is blaming you because he doesn't want to face up to his responsibilities.

But what @urrrgh46 says is spot on Time for an ultimatum imo! Either he seeks IMMEDIATE help and treatment for his "depression" or he leaves. Being faced with that may make him come to his senses if he is having a bit of "midlife crisis" and face reality - he's got a family and he should be bloody grateful OR he is actually not coping and needs help. Either way stop pandering to him and do what YOU need to do to make life as easy as possible for yourself! I'm angry on your behalf!

At the moment the one genuinely in danger of a breakdown is YOU.

If you have any family and friends who can support you, please let them know you are struggling - or if you can speak to your GP, perhaps. Hopefully, without his constant criticism and self-pity you can find even being alone with the baby more restful.

Edit: autocarrot

Yeah I would ask him to leave tbh. Sounds awful. If he really is having some kind of mental health crisis he needs to seek treatment asap but you have a duty of care to yourself and your kids first and foremost. Hope you have a good support network. I suspect this is some kind of mid life crisis on his part. He sounds very selfish and you deserve better.

Seriously!??

So he's got the energy to be up and out in the early hours DJing and you're left at home dealing with a newborn who won't sleep night after night and he has the audacity to say you make him want to kill himself!!!

He's a fucking bastard to you.

Is he getting treatment for his depression now?

Well he obviously did not want another child and now he’s really letting you know how much.

This.