Husband depressed after birth of our second child ten weeks ago, says I make him want to kill himself

[AmberMoose]

My husband is depressed, regrets our baby and told me that I make him want to kill himself. I don't know what to do.

First time posting. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, perhaps some outsider perspective. My husband (41) and I (38) had our second baby 10 weeks ago. We also have a six year old daughter. Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold. Two miscarriages, two years of trying etc...

Second baby is significantly harder than our first - lots of crying, up 1000 times at night etc - and my husband is not coping. He has checked out and I feel like I am solo parenting our baby. He says he is depressed (post partum depression perhaps?) and is having a major existential crisis. He is so unhappy with our -admittedly, charmed - life and feels like I've been calling the shots over our ten year relationship.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself. I've been doing all I can to ensure he has free time - I took both kids out of the house when the baby was just a couple of weeks old to give him space when I was still sore and recovering and just wanted to be on the couch. He has taken several trips away to do various things related to his music, I have looked after the kids without complaint, I ask about how he's feeling, listen to him complain (about me and our life), take on additional life admin tasks to take them off his plate... All things he has expressed in the past make him feel loved and cared for.

Two nights ago when I got home after four days away (with both kids to give him space and free time) he says that the key to him feeling better is that he needs to better compartmentalise all his responsibilities and ensure he has enough time for all of them - i.e., more time. For him to have more free time, I need to exchange mine and I feel I have nomore.to give. I am feeling so much resentment towards him. I have been out of the house only twice by myself; I barely have had enough alone time to blow dry my hair over the past two and a half months. I have never asked for help ( I did once and it sent him on a spiral); not even in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted I feel I am about to crack. Never once have i handed him the baby and bottle and begged for an extra hour of sleep. The few times I have told him how hard it is he has essentially told me that ive gotten what I wanted (a baby) and to suck it up. He takes the baby every now and then for like ten minutes, baby cries, husband is like "urgh, no thank you! This baby is hard work!", never once stopping to reflect on what it's like for me during the other 23h and 50 minutes of the day.

He has said once before that he is becoming suicidal. Last night he raised it again and said .. this is a quote " you are making me want to kill myself". I want to say it's the depression talking and I am trying to be compassionate but I am also furious and trying hard not to be. The worst part is that he's not the first person to say that to me, my mum said something similar when I was like 10 (she had significant trauma that was never dealt with I now know and is generally not ok). This morning he hugged me and said he felt like there was a weight of, I hugged him back and we cried but I am left feeling like total shit - a truly horrible person that makes people want to kill themselves.

I am bouncing from rage to guilt to deep shame and I don't know what to do.

People who are genuinely suffering from depression don't recently get really into anything.

I missed this - and it's a very good point.

Depression causes you to withdraw into yourself. Many, if not most, people with depression have to physically drag themselves out of bed, and will do anything to avoid facing the world - especially new people. Even those of us who suffer from "masked depression" - where we seem very sociable and friendly, and put on a bright face to the world, avoid any unnecessary socialising - just the minimum, (and if we can get out of that, we do)

He's just an arsehole, OP.

I'm sorry to hear about your problems but I don't think they are the same as this situation. Yes, many people carry on 'as normal', hiding their suffering when they are depressed. I've done it myself. But as PPs have pointed out, most women suffering carry on because of concern for their children and their sense of responsibility. He isn't doing this. I'm also guessing you haven't gone around claiming to people they have made you suicidal when challenged about your behaviour.

It takes two to make a child.
They tried to make one for few years.
There was plenty of time for him to say: no, I do not want any more children, I'll get a vasectomy.
But no.
He agreed to have a child, and he is now throwing tantrums because he is not primary manchild and cannot go around doing his hobby as much as he likes.
OP is too nice to him.
I'd buy him one way ticket to Ibiza and send his stuff there as well.

Hope you manage to get sorted op.

It takes two to make a child.
They tried to make one for few years.
There was plenty of time for him to say: no, I do not want any more children,

Maybe he did.

Has he been to the gp?

You can give him all the space and patience in the world but unless he goes to the gp and gets some antidepressants, then it’s pointless.

I am sensitive to anyone with MH issues but they have to help themselves too.
In some ways I think you’re making it too easy for him.

He has 2 kids now and he needs to find a way to cope, just like you have to.
Be understanding but do not allow him to use it as an excuse.
Be firm that you will not be bending over backwards for him until he starts helping himself and that means by going to the gp and getting some antidepressants.

Sounds like he wants to live the single life. You can’t have it both ways.

And you’ll be able to use your own home as you need rather than leaving with 2 kids so man child can have some time for his dj’ing

my eyes are rolling back so much into my head at this DJ shit I might never see again

Sounds like a self absorbed manipulative twat. The more you’re accommodating his ‘needs’ the more he’s asking of you. Tell him straight that if he is depressed, then he needs to visit his GP. Let’s see how much he wants help to get better. You need to be strong OP and not accommodate his batshit. You have to look after yourself and your children, and if you continue to try to be all things to everyone, you’re going to burn out and make yourself ill, and I’m guessing he won’t be stepping up to help if you do.

Then he should have taken further precautions - worn a condom, had a vasectomy - or even just said "Look - I really, really don't feel that I could cope with another baby. I know you want one, but honestly, I don't and I know that I wouldn't care for it the way I do DC. It wouldn't be fair on the baby,"

He seems to be able to say plenty of very hurtful things to OP - why couldn't he say ne honest one?

He never wanted a second child, and you know that.

He is being an arse but on the flipside lack of sleep (assuming he's being woken up but I think you said he is currently away) and major life changes are triggers for depression.
I really struggled in the early years, but it's also not fair you are bearing the full load.
Personally I would say he needs to seek help, go on antidepressants, get counselling whatever and if he's still being an arse you have to take a break away from each other.
Better to be doing it yourself than shouldering on all his responsibilities as well.

Adjustment disorder is literally the diagnosis by exclusion - your symptoms don’t fit the criteria for any other ‘disorder’ so they give you that label.
I work in the field.

Then he should have used a condom or abstained from sex.

I'm sorry your both going through, depression is fog that affects everyone in it's path.

Through experience, I would be concerned about the suicidal thoughts and idealations - if you can ask him if has a plan and if you can create a safety plan for him. There are a few on line.

https://www.every-life-matters.org.uk/safety-planning/

Please ask him to contact his GP for support and help.

Don't do this alone, as it's very lonely: living, caring and supporting a person you love through depression.

I would say his thoughts is depression talking.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/carers-friends-family-coping-support/support-for-you/

Talking to friends is great but you may also need to talk to experts or people in similar situation - as they will get it.

Take care of yourself, maybe try a short mediation, happy tune or even a good proper cry.

Good luck, a phrase I often say in the dark times is "this too will pass".

In the event this man is genuinely suicidal, I can't believe nobody is highlighting the fact he has gone off alone with his older child to the holiday home. 🤦‍♀️

They have @Blueocean18

The DJ thing screams midlife crisis.

Anyone that tells them you’re making them suicidal is an abusive POS that doesn’t deserve your love and compassion. Also, if he is suicidal, he’s in no fit state to be around your children. Boot him out and get on with your life with someone that doesn’t emotionally abuse you.

This. ⬆

OP please get whatever additional practical help you can. Can you afford a doula or mother’s help? Or contact Home Start, just for a bit of additional support. You’re managing A LOT

This!

Woman here. I suffered horrific depression after my first and because of that, I don’t want another kid, so I made fucking sure I didn’t have one. My kid didn’t sleep well and it nearly broke me.

I still suffer general low mood and, to be honest, I don’t think I will ever be the same again. No family help (our parents are hundreds of miles away and fucking USELESS anyway). It was fucking dreadful, AWFUL and we discussed divorce many times. To people saying they didn’t blame others for their depression: I blame my husband for at least some of it because he did some really really selfish stuff when our child was a baby and I’ll never forget that. Throughout, despite the awful depression, I still had to basically equal parent at minimum: as we all know, there’s no free pass for mothers. My husband dealt with my depression poorly (finds it very hard to offer comfort and emotional support, largely because of his own dysfunctional upbringing) and still isn’t great when I have periods of low mood.

My husband sure as hell didn’t raise having another ever, tho I think he’d have preferred 2.

Your husband, OP, was obviously only just coping with one. He DID NOT WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY. And you KNOW that! The blowing hot and cold over it: that’s a no. Nothing else than a resounding yes will suffice when it’s such a life changing thing. So why the fuck have you found yourself with another? No way my marriage would have survived a second child and I suspect yours won’t either.

My thoughts exactly. He wants out and is using the threat of suicide to manipulate the OP. 'Poor me' is an attention-seeking selfish shit. 41 going on 14. Once baby is older and the most demanding bit is over, he'll probably want back in.

Then her husband should, like you, have taken precautions to ensure that there wasn't another baby.