Husband depressed after birth of our second child ten weeks ago, says I make him want to kill himself

[AmberMoose]

My husband is depressed, regrets our baby and told me that I make him want to kill himself. I don't know what to do.

First time posting. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, perhaps some outsider perspective. My husband (41) and I (38) had our second baby 10 weeks ago. We also have a six year old daughter. Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold. Two miscarriages, two years of trying etc...

Second baby is significantly harder than our first - lots of crying, up 1000 times at night etc - and my husband is not coping. He has checked out and I feel like I am solo parenting our baby. He says he is depressed (post partum depression perhaps?) and is having a major existential crisis. He is so unhappy with our -admittedly, charmed - life and feels like I've been calling the shots over our ten year relationship.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself. I've been doing all I can to ensure he has free time - I took both kids out of the house when the baby was just a couple of weeks old to give him space when I was still sore and recovering and just wanted to be on the couch. He has taken several trips away to do various things related to his music, I have looked after the kids without complaint, I ask about how he's feeling, listen to him complain (about me and our life), take on additional life admin tasks to take them off his plate... All things he has expressed in the past make him feel loved and cared for.

Two nights ago when I got home after four days away (with both kids to give him space and free time) he says that the key to him feeling better is that he needs to better compartmentalise all his responsibilities and ensure he has enough time for all of them - i.e., more time. For him to have more free time, I need to exchange mine and I feel I have nomore.to give. I am feeling so much resentment towards him. I have been out of the house only twice by myself; I barely have had enough alone time to blow dry my hair over the past two and a half months. I have never asked for help ( I did once and it sent him on a spiral); not even in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted I feel I am about to crack. Never once have i handed him the baby and bottle and begged for an extra hour of sleep. The few times I have told him how hard it is he has essentially told me that ive gotten what I wanted (a baby) and to suck it up. He takes the baby every now and then for like ten minutes, baby cries, husband is like "urgh, no thank you! This baby is hard work!", never once stopping to reflect on what it's like for me during the other 23h and 50 minutes of the day.

He has said once before that he is becoming suicidal. Last night he raised it again and said .. this is a quote " you are making me want to kill myself". I want to say it's the depression talking and I am trying to be compassionate but I am also furious and trying hard not to be. The worst part is that he's not the first person to say that to me, my mum said something similar when I was like 10 (she had significant trauma that was never dealt with I now know and is generally not ok). This morning he hugged me and said he felt like there was a weight of, I hugged him back and we cried but I am left feeling like total shit - a truly horrible person that makes people want to kill themselves.

I am bouncing from rage to guilt to deep shame and I don't know what to do.

Why the fuck are women expected to fix men's mental health issues all the fucking time? I had an ex husband who took all his shit out on me and refused to get proper help (but took up smoking because that was cheaper than antidepressants, apparently. 🙄) I was on antidepressants myself, and having counselling because my marriage falling apart was making me feel very depressed, but funnily enough I didn't have a go at him all the time. He threatened suicide and really upset my mum in the process.

In 2020 I chatted briefly to a guy who would tell me he was depressed all the time but again wouldn't seek help, but expected me to listen to him moaning about his problems. Lockdown made me really miserable, so that time I got some more antidepressants and some CBT counselling, which my friend K mentioned as she was doing it at the time.

Then in 2022 ended up in a relationship with a bloke who nearly broke me. Suicide threats, lots of drama, wouldn't let me sleep or eat because his problems came before my need to actually function. Was very happy when he dumped me. Would he get proper help? No. Wouldn't go to the doctor's, wouldn't apply for PIP despite telling me he was disabled. It was always 'I can't' when I asked him why. Worried my friend B half to death when I confided in her how bad I ended up feeling at the time. He always had to be worse off than me and made my friend J dying all about him. Still can't forgive him for that. Felt much better after the dumping. Surprise surprise. Still tries to get sympathy out of me now. 🙄 He's autistic (like me) and seems to think that gives him an excuse to be obnoxious, at least judging from the way he speaks to people and how he treats them.

OP, you didn't and don't make anyone want to commit suicide. You had a flaky mother (I had one, too, and the damage is permanent even if you have help coming to terms with it) and you have a selfish bastard of a husband who would rather be young, free and single, dj-ing his way through life, than be a responsible husband and father of two.

He can't be a great dad to one child if he's not being a great dad to her sibling, and not supporting her mother. 'Depression' does not excuse dereliction of duty or his mental cruelty towards you.

Stay alert to his bloody outrageous behaviour. You'll be strong enough to see the back of him, soon.

Honestly my immediate thought is that you should tell him to fuck off. You’re almost solo parenting anyway.

If he didn’t want another child, he should have grown a spine and told you, and used a condom.

If he’s genuinely ‘depressed’, then he needs to help himself by getting professional help. But sounds like he just wants a cushty life with no responsibilities.

I would genuinely tell him to fuck off. Don’t make any further sacrifices for him, at least until he sees a GP and starts some therapy as a bare minimum. But ir’s more likely he’s a selfish twat. Such a shame the amount of men who turn into this once they have kids. Pathetic.

Hi OP,
I also have a ten week old baby but have a very supportive proactive husband. I’m so sorry you have had to do this in such a negative environment. This time with your new baby should be so special. I hope your husband will realise that he needs to grow up and help to look after his children. Can you get support from family? I wish you joy of your baby. Keep going, you’re doing an amazing job x

I agree with this. @AmberMoose It might seem scary to be left alone with it all - but you already are left alone with it all. If you get him out of the picture, you will actually have peace, less shit to deal with, and better mental health.

You are spending so much extra energy, that could be going to self care, in caring for him.

I'm sorry your relationship has broken down like this. What you've discussed are things that are deeper than just the 10 weeks of having a second new born. He lacks respect, responsibility as a partner (nevermind the complete lack of responsibility as a parent), and is pushing it all onto you. It's one thing to have someone who 'checked out', and another to have someone also berating you and making you feel like shit.

Not just for you, but for your kids, please make the environment around you healthier - by removing him. He wants to go, let him. Not to be rude, but then at least there would be space for someone a lot more kind, supportive, and loving to fill.

He doesn't sound depressed, he sounds manipulative. Holding the though of him suiciding over your head is plain old-fashioned emotional blackmail.

"He's recently gotten really into DJing"
He's recently gotten into a mid-life crisis! He's 41 and clearly trying to regress to his youth.

"He was diagnosed with adjustment disorder after our first was born."
Christ on a bike. How to pathologise real life, could he be any more self-absorbed with whoever 'diagnosed' him backing his dysfunctional worldview. If that's the diagnosis, the treatment for Mr. DJ is, frankly, to tell him to get a fucking grip!

Your husband is an absolute tool. I would be raging.

You should not be letting a man who just threatened to kill himself, complaining about having to be responsible for his kids, complaining he needs time alone and is being abusive towards you to be alone with your child (whether he’s doing these things willingly or from a place of depression).

The damage this man is causing is incomprehensible and unforgivable. Not just you but his second child who he is rejecting. Do NOT stand by his neglect and abusive behaviour towards this child or they’ll have two parents in cahoots in rejecting them. Don’t stand by and allow it to happen under your watch.

He either needs immediate mental health help-he just threatened to kill himself and according to you is acting irrationally. He needs to be going to hospital for this.

OR he’s a selfish cunt.

either way the “I’m going to be a dj” thing is the biggest ick ever, putting it above your children is fucking revolting. Go get your eldest back - they might not be safe. Then tell him to fuck off until he’s better. And if he threatens to kills himself call the police/paramedics. Watch him think twice about saying that again.

he’s the waste of space - not you.

@AmberMoose I would love to know how he was before your second arrived? How was he after the birth of your first/during her early years? And going back even further before she came along? I think context is everything here, in weighing up whether this is a genuine and temporary mental health crises, or is he trying to use your free labour in exchange for his free time?

@AmberMoose you're absolutely doing incredible considering you've got David guetta doing fuck all to help you hen! Smashing it!
What a wee prick your husband is being!
Can you ask him to leave? Or could you leave? Either way, you and your children deserve much better 💐

You're doing amazing OP. This is really hard.

Prioritise yourself and your babies

Your “husband” is a prick. Fact. Dump his sorry arse, or as they say on Mumsnet, bide your time and get your ducks in a row. Find and keep safe every essential family docs (passports, marriage and birth certificates, mortgage papers, his payslips if you can find them, etc) you can think of and squirrel away as much dosh as you can. He’s a selfish twat and is behaving like a petulant teenager. When you’re ready, DUMP HIM!!

Given time, there will be a series of starry eyed men and women dropping their drawers at the feet of the DJ. I know loads of DJs, and one friend in particular (he tells everyone he looks like a ginger testicle) told me women throw themselves at him constantly - he finds it hilarious but doesn’t and never would indulge

Good luck 💐

Honestly, I cannot get past your first sentence. That’s wild! I’d be so long gone if my DH said these things to me. Wow. Some women really put up with hell.

Who would he like you to put him first over? Especially while he is behaving as he is the children will need to be your priority.
Do you have family around you who are able to offer support.
is he still going to work?
Apart from the DJ stuff…

I really feel for you, my husband had a breakdown and said it was me. He later apologised profusely. He thought he couldn't just be depressed and anxious for no obvious reason (in his mind), that would be shameful, it had to be someone outside of himself I.e me. It really hurt as my ex would say this stuff, I think the reason I could forgive my husband was because his suffering was genuine, he was just trying to find an answer.

How is he currently with the older child?
the baby might be being affected by the atmosphere in the home which sounds terrible
I know you want them to have both parents around - I’m struggling to see the value in that right now
If you have suggested that he sees the GP for help and he refuses to do that then it might be time for a rethink.

What's the financial situation? Can you ask him to leave?

Can you take the kids to stay back home where you have more support?

I'd start planning for a long-term future where he doesn't shape up.

Your first responsibility is to your kids, not him. You need to make sure you don't snap and break because they need you. He needs to sort himself out, you have a very young baby and have just given birth. You really can't be carrying dead weight at this point in time.

I’d be suspicious of his ‘trips away’. It sounds like he is creating a bad environment so you leave him. He sounds like a very immature person ( call it ‘adjustment disorder’ if you like). If you can financially manage it then I’d get the hell out now and not look back.

Tbh you'd be better off if he went, one less child to think about.

He wants his freedom, there's the door. Off you pop.

Jeeez.

The newborn stage is a season of like that takes mothers to the absolute limits of their capacity (and beyond). You have a high needs baby and if all was well in your marriage you’d be struggling a bit even would the full support, love and care of your dh.

Taking care of a high needs, emotionally labile adult is a huge undertaking, but right now you don’t have the bandwidth to take care of him well. The pp who suggested that you ask his family to step in and organise medical help is very sensible. And it would be safe, responsible and loving thing to do.

Baby’s needs have to be the priority here, and a big part of protecting a baby is looking after the mum so she isn’t pushed beyond her capacity.

Even with the kindest interpretation that your dm and dh are profoundly disturbed, it is still completely wrong that you were subjected to those words as a vulnerable child, and again in the vulnerability of early motherhood. You are NOT someone who makes people want to kill themselves. But you have been deeply unfortunate to be told that, and then have that repeated by your dh. This is abuse. And you don’t owe it to anyone to be their punching bag,

I agree with other pps that separation might be the safest option for everybody at this point. Reach out to the professionals (gp, hv) and tell them what’s going on. If there are groups of mums go along - it can be a lonely stage even when it’s going well and you won’t be the only one needing friendship and kindness.

If I could reach through the internet and scoop you out to safety I really would.

How is he with your oldest? You say they have gone away for the spring break together. I therefore presume you are not too concerned about his suicide threat's? He needs to be proactive in seeking support, and that's support to be a good father and husband, not a DJ.

He needs to get help from GP

It is not for you to solve

Or he goes to live elsewhere

My husband became suicidal after our second was born. I was bewildered because I was so happy, and so had he been during the pregnancy and he was an easy baby, and I was doing all the work. DH became withdrawn and unhelpful and I thought our marriage was going down the pan fast.

Then just before Xmas when our second was 4 months old he broke down and admitted he'd been having suicidal thoughts/plans. I called the NHS helpline and they had a mental health nurse speak with him over the phone and arranged an appointment for him and he went on medication and got counselling.

So I fully appreciate that men can have a sudden downturn in mood after a child is born. Whether that's because the mum's attention is (rightly) elsewhere and they feel alone, the responsibility or an actual hormonal drop (I've heard men who feel depressed in the post partum period can be suffering from low testosterone - I don't know how common that is).

However, though he was unhelpful and I was bewildered by his self focus etc so it was hard - he didn't ever blame me, use it as a threat etc. I was doing more, but not so he could bugger off and DJ. And as soon as he told me what was going on, we sought medical help.

I'm not saying your DP couldn't be suffering from low mood and suicidal thoughts, he could well be. But how he's dealing with it and treating you is not okay and sounds very abusive. You need to put the kids and yourself first.

You can still take his threats seriously and contact medical professionals and his friends/family to take care of him. But you can't live on eggshells around his emotions trying to make your needs and the kids needs from him so small that they don't inconvenience him (not least because if he genuinely is depressed then it's not good for him to feel that he's not needed!). You can't keep trying to accommodate him by running yourself ragged and it may make a lot more sense to split.

Please can people stop saying that he can’t really be depressed or suicidal just because of your own experience. It’s not helpful and is a dangerous view. I have also been depressed, self harmed for years and have attempted suicide. I was holding down a full time professional job, out with friends at the weekend and going on holidays. If people had your way of thinking I would have been dead by now. I’m not saying the OPs DH definitely is or not, or isn’t just being an arse, but we really shouldn’t be saying he isn’t because he’s capable of going out djing at the weekends and going on trips.

Other people have given good advice about your partner. Think about the best way forward. In the meantime look after yourself. You need some time for yourself. Get a nanny or childminder to come in for two hours a day and use that time to recharge.

This & it was my first thought when I read it.

OP although I really feel for you in this situation & your obviously a great mum, in all honesty I'm not sure this was a wise decision given DHs state of mind at this present time. I think I would be inclined to surprise them with a trip to the holiday home to make sure all was ok.