Husband depressed after birth of our second child ten weeks ago, says I make him want to kill himself

[AmberMoose]

My husband is depressed, regrets our baby and told me that I make him want to kill himself. I don't know what to do.

First time posting. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, perhaps some outsider perspective. My husband (41) and I (38) had our second baby 10 weeks ago. We also have a six year old daughter. Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold. Two miscarriages, two years of trying etc...

Second baby is significantly harder than our first - lots of crying, up 1000 times at night etc - and my husband is not coping. He has checked out and I feel like I am solo parenting our baby. He says he is depressed (post partum depression perhaps?) and is having a major existential crisis. He is so unhappy with our -admittedly, charmed - life and feels like I've been calling the shots over our ten year relationship.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself. I've been doing all I can to ensure he has free time - I took both kids out of the house when the baby was just a couple of weeks old to give him space when I was still sore and recovering and just wanted to be on the couch. He has taken several trips away to do various things related to his music, I have looked after the kids without complaint, I ask about how he's feeling, listen to him complain (about me and our life), take on additional life admin tasks to take them off his plate... All things he has expressed in the past make him feel loved and cared for.

Two nights ago when I got home after four days away (with both kids to give him space and free time) he says that the key to him feeling better is that he needs to better compartmentalise all his responsibilities and ensure he has enough time for all of them - i.e., more time. For him to have more free time, I need to exchange mine and I feel I have nomore.to give. I am feeling so much resentment towards him. I have been out of the house only twice by myself; I barely have had enough alone time to blow dry my hair over the past two and a half months. I have never asked for help ( I did once and it sent him on a spiral); not even in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted I feel I am about to crack. Never once have i handed him the baby and bottle and begged for an extra hour of sleep. The few times I have told him how hard it is he has essentially told me that ive gotten what I wanted (a baby) and to suck it up. He takes the baby every now and then for like ten minutes, baby cries, husband is like "urgh, no thank you! This baby is hard work!", never once stopping to reflect on what it's like for me during the other 23h and 50 minutes of the day.

He has said once before that he is becoming suicidal. Last night he raised it again and said .. this is a quote " you are making me want to kill myself". I want to say it's the depression talking and I am trying to be compassionate but I am also furious and trying hard not to be. The worst part is that he's not the first person to say that to me, my mum said something similar when I was like 10 (she had significant trauma that was never dealt with I now know and is generally not ok). This morning he hugged me and said he felt like there was a weight of, I hugged him back and we cried but I am left feeling like total shit - a truly horrible person that makes people want to kill themselves.

I am bouncing from rage to guilt to deep shame and I don't know what to do.

Makes that a self-centred, immature, abusive twat who's having a midlife crisis, if not a full-blown affair.

The DJing bit was the first red flag. This is someone who thinks that the grass is greener on the other side. And it's obviously your fault for dragging him down and forcing him to have two children and be with you, in his mind.

Firstly i would phone up his family and tell them that he is feeling suicidal and make a drs appointment for him immediately. And drive him there. Do not let him back put of it. He may not feel up to making an appointment himself.

Then i would drive him round to one of his relatives with his clothes so that he can have some "recouperation" time, as he clearly needs it, i would tell him.

Then i would drive back home, order a takeaway and plan how you are going to raise your children without him. What support can you get from family and friends? If he won't leave the house, then are you in a position to stay with a relative?

It's one thing him being depressed, but another him being a bastard. And whilst this sounds that it's come to a head since you had the baby, it's probably been simmering away for a long time. If i'm entirely honest, i wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't combined his DJing with some extra marital action or drug taking that is now playing on his mind and causing him to feel even more trapped by family life. Unfortunately i have seen this come out of other similar threads. It's the guilt that causes the deflection and he is definitely deflecting.

I don't think that i could get over his behaviour. Unless he was genuinely suffering from mental health issues, gets medication, counselling and does his upmost to help himself and then make amends, i couldn't get past this, I'm afraid.

You poor woman. i only want to say this. You are better off without him. Ask him to go. And. What an utter fucking bastard. He is making excuses because he is an entitled twat.

Oh, reading this made me soooo angry. Does it really even matter if he's clinically depressed? Regardless of the reason or intent for his absolute shit behavior, the fallout is the same. Honestly, it doesn't matter either way. What matters is he's being a total selfish jerk and trying to blame you for his behavior. You deserve so much better.

I'd call his bluff and ask him to leave.

@underscorer

that is a truly despicable message

If my DH told me I made him want to kill himself I would bloody well put the pills out for him. That is an unbelievably cruel thing to say.

This pathetic specimen needs his arse kicking very hard. Unless he’s blind, he can surely see how exhausted OP is, but never mind, he wants to go and be a DJ.

This is beyond a joke. If he’s depressed he should get to the GP and sort himself out. More likely, as OP suspects, he’s punishing her.

This made me laugh so much.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your husband sounds like an utter wanker.

Kick him out! You will have one less baby. What an absolute pig. I'm so sorry OP! You and your children deserve waaaaay better than this useless fuckwit

Completely agree with this. Dj'ng... how cringe. Tell him to grow up.

There's loads of factors to it.

One being that men are more likely to use more violent means to commit suicide therefore it's more likely to be successful. I know several farmers who have shot themselves for example. It's easier when you have access to a gun.

Also men are more likely to be on substances when they kill themselves, which lowers the inhibitions.

As you said another common reason is men kill themselves to avoid justice or when it has been found out that they have committed crimes against children etc.

Unfortunately what seems to have happened with all these mens mental health campaigns is that people have mistakenly got the idea in their heads that men suffer more, and that there's less help for men and that's why they kill themselves.

And that's absolute bullshit, women suffer just as much as men, I personally believe that having children acts as a buffer for many women which stops them committing the act, not because they're less suicidal, just because they wouldn't do that to their kids.

I've been about as suicidal as you can get without actually committing the act, and I really did not want to stay alive at all. I only stayed alive for my kids because I didn't think it was fair on them. And on those bad nights I actually prayed (and I'm not religious). I prayed to make it through the night because I couldn't do that to my children!! I also made sure I didn't drink any alcohol because I didn't want to lower my inhibitions. I didn't get in my car because I was afraid I'd crash it into a wall deliberately. It was absolute torture!

And I got no support either!!

I only know one mother who killed herself. But I've known many others who have been deeply suicidal but had no choice to carry on despite how torturous it felt.

I always say this but every time I hear of a woman going missing and no foul play is suspected I always say I bet she was crying out for help for a long time, and I bet no one bloody listened to her, because I have seen this happen with women so much, women cry out for help from the ones who should support them and they don't get that support.

We even see it on here all the time, a husband says he's depressed and the wife is so concerned and starts trying to make his life easier and takes the load off him and does x and y and wants to support him going to the doctor etc, and then we see women with PND etc with the most unsupportive awful partners who don't try to help in any way and won't even let them get a nights sleep or a break ever, and they often pester them for sex too.

I would love for there to be a high profile campaign about womens mental health for once!!!!

This is spot on. This is exactly what people need to remember. The guilt tripping that some people pull is truly frightening. If you are depressed, you go to the doctor and get help. You do not blame your partner and manipulate him/her (usually her) into tolerating appalling behaviour.

People who behave like this need to be challenged. Sort yourself out or we’re done.

He sounds like a jerk. His midlife crisis couldn't wait a year? I had such bad pnd after my second kid last year, I never had the option of compartmentalising, mothers largely don't. Both my babies were terrible sleepers. I got two hours every morning when DH took baby, second time around. Without that I would have been even worse.

You will get so exhausted you get ill. He cannot leave you to do everything. Of course he "feels like there's a weight off", he thinks he's getting off the hook.

He has said to you that you are making him want to kill himself when in fact it's his commitments and responsibilities he can't handle. He is blaming you for reality.

It's not your fault.

The awful things he's saying and his selfishness are not the same as his depression.

Depression does not make anybody NEED to become a DJ.
He NEEDS healthy food, sleep, and possibly medication and counselling.
He is prioritising not just his wants but his self-image over your needs.

He is not behaving like he loves you. He is giving you a third child to care for when you are on your knees with the two you have.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

‘I want to kill myself’ : oh , how sad, let’s try to get you some help.

’You make me want to kill myself’ : well, you’d better go away and remove yourself from the source of your distress.

Oh, and shut the door behind you. ( and I neither know nor care where your passport/ clean socks/ baseball cap are).

@shenandoahvalley it is fucking not entirely on her, his behaviour is ALL on him. She also couldn't have known how he'd cope (or not) with a less easy baby.

Very important point from @Lassiata
You will get so exhausted you get ill.

Women are far more likely to develop autoimmune disorders brought on by prolonged stress than men are.
That can mean permanent, chronic illness and pain.

If you have to do everything yourself then at will be better than dealing with everything yourself AND putting up with him being so vile to you!

Does he know that your mum once said that to you (making her want to kill herself)? If he said it deliberately to hurt you and exacerbate your childhood trauma that's unforgivable imo.

Sorry you're going through this.

You wanted a baby and he didn't
Imagine the reaction with genders reversed

Does he take drugs?

Op I'm sorry that's so much on your shoulders it must feel so heavy.

I would start by trying to get some things in place to help you manage firstly, perhaps it would be worth considering taking on a nanny a couple of times a week or a cleaner or something like that just to take a bit of pressure off both of you and so you don't end up cracking because then the wheels really will fall off everything.

I'd get yourself some support and counselling because constantly listening to him complaining is going to wear you down over time and you need to have space to be angry and resentful and hurt and sad and worried and everything else in between and he's clearly not in the place to be there for you. So my first steps would be to outsource what you can to make life easier.

Secondly, he needs to step up and start to address what he's feeling. It's ok to be down and depressed and in a dark spiral as long as you don't let yourself stay there and wallow. He needs to actively be engaging in counselling, and I'd encourage some couples counselling to to and mediate between you to get both of your needs met so he's not getting lots of free time at your expense. I think you need to get to a place where you can sit down and agree what amounts of time out for each of you is manageable. And he needs to try to stick to that.

I do think you need to reconsider leaving the children alone in his care if he's feeling actively suicidal. With the best will in the world you really don't know how able he is to manage and what your dd might be seeing. I grew up with a parent who pretended to get out of bed in the mornings in a show for my other parent and then they crumbled after the other parent left and I was left as a child to care for them and myself and siblings. It does happen.

I understand wanting to be considerate but equally I think you need to put a line in the sand that he needs to get help. Whether or not he's regretting having another or if he felt pressured into it as others have said really actually doesn't matter- you are where you are and there's a small child and a family who needs him to be in or out but either way needs him to do what he can to take care of himself. His feelings might be valid but not dealing with them is on him.

You're already doing everything.

Get rid of him and that one less thing to worry about.

You don't need a useless weight hanging around right now.

This advice 00%

sorry 100%

It's very disturbing he's trying to blame OP, I have no idea if he is suicidal or not but this is a very manipulative thing to say

get that to fuck..IMAGINE you attempted to "compart MENTAL ise?...kick him out,neither you nor kids lost a damn thing

I’m not so sure it’s depression talking. I strongly suspect it’s a manipulative and abusive man talking. I see this more as an attack on you than an expression of genuine suicidal feeling.

The fact that your mum also said this may be unrelated, or he may be hurtfully echoing it if he knows, or it may be that your traumatic childhood left you much more likely to accept emotionally abusive relationships.

To be honest I think you would be best off to leave this man. You do everything anyway, and I think you’ll feel so much better away from him.