Husband depressed after birth of our second child ten weeks ago, says I make him want to kill himself

[AmberMoose]

My husband is depressed, regrets our baby and told me that I make him want to kill himself. I don't know what to do.

First time posting. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, perhaps some outsider perspective. My husband (41) and I (38) had our second baby 10 weeks ago. We also have a six year old daughter. Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold. Two miscarriages, two years of trying etc...

Second baby is significantly harder than our first - lots of crying, up 1000 times at night etc - and my husband is not coping. He has checked out and I feel like I am solo parenting our baby. He says he is depressed (post partum depression perhaps?) and is having a major existential crisis. He is so unhappy with our -admittedly, charmed - life and feels like I've been calling the shots over our ten year relationship.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself. I've been doing all I can to ensure he has free time - I took both kids out of the house when the baby was just a couple of weeks old to give him space when I was still sore and recovering and just wanted to be on the couch. He has taken several trips away to do various things related to his music, I have looked after the kids without complaint, I ask about how he's feeling, listen to him complain (about me and our life), take on additional life admin tasks to take them off his plate... All things he has expressed in the past make him feel loved and cared for.

Two nights ago when I got home after four days away (with both kids to give him space and free time) he says that the key to him feeling better is that he needs to better compartmentalise all his responsibilities and ensure he has enough time for all of them - i.e., more time. For him to have more free time, I need to exchange mine and I feel I have nomore.to give. I am feeling so much resentment towards him. I have been out of the house only twice by myself; I barely have had enough alone time to blow dry my hair over the past two and a half months. I have never asked for help ( I did once and it sent him on a spiral); not even in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted I feel I am about to crack. Never once have i handed him the baby and bottle and begged for an extra hour of sleep. The few times I have told him how hard it is he has essentially told me that ive gotten what I wanted (a baby) and to suck it up. He takes the baby every now and then for like ten minutes, baby cries, husband is like "urgh, no thank you! This baby is hard work!", never once stopping to reflect on what it's like for me during the other 23h and 50 minutes of the day.

He has said once before that he is becoming suicidal. Last night he raised it again and said .. this is a quote " you are making me want to kill myself". I want to say it's the depression talking and I am trying to be compassionate but I am also furious and trying hard not to be. The worst part is that he's not the first person to say that to me, my mum said something similar when I was like 10 (she had significant trauma that was never dealt with I now know and is generally not ok). This morning he hugged me and said he felt like there was a weight of, I hugged him back and we cried but I am left feeling like total shit - a truly horrible person that makes people want to kill themselves.

I am bouncing from rage to guilt to deep shame and I don't know what to do.

When my STBEH was unhappy about something that wasn't children related he also found himself someone to talk to to make him feel better. Sadly the sex they accidentally had didn't help.

We all hope you are right but too many men kill their children so please please please speak to four dd and check how she is but tbh I'd be going to get her though wouldn't have let her go in the first place.

I am trying to make you think, not make you worry or feel guilty.

Because you are ignorant.

We are calling out what looks like abuse, not depression.

You are ignorant to the fact that suicide threats can be used to abuse and manipulate.

You are saying that people calling that out are the reason mens mental health is so taboo and why men suffer in silence, which is nonsense.

Men don't get accused of being abusive for saying they are depressed or suicidal unless there is other behaviour that is going along with it that seems abusive.

What's taboo is the subject that people use suicide threats to abuse, and that their partners (mostly women) are the ones who suffer in silence.

I've shared my opinion on male suicide rates in a previous post on this thread. Long so I'm not rewriting here.

Ops husband seems like he is being abusive so it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that that is called out. The further information that she provided made it seem even more likely. This man is a provisional psychologist, he knows what help is available. I am presuming he needed many hours of mandatory therapy himself along the way with this career path also. He is not someone who needs to be dragged out of bed and brought to a doctors appointment. If he was depressed he knows exactly what to do and where to go and should go, but instead he's choosing to be awful to the OP and then head off DJ'ing.

No one wants men to kill themselves, but some of us want women to stop being abused by men who make suicide threats in order to manipulate also.

@LogicLoverLlama

It's a staggering change for a man, women at least get a chance to get used to it, you have to for 9 months, we don't.

What?
How do you make that one out? 🤔🤔

This. I would have a respectful conversation in which the only outcome I would accept is he leaves. If he is really ill, he will seek help.

This halfway house of wanting you to wash his pants and give him endless sympathy would have got old as fuck on day two if I was in your position.

He's not depressed. He's just not coping in spectacular fashion. He's also selfish and wants lots of sleep and time to himself - not gonna happen with a newborn mate. Grow a pair.

@AmberMoose Firstly, your husband won't be the only man who really didn't want a second child.
There is a big difference between one ''easy'' baby and a second more 'Difficult' {eg, crying} one.

The wanting to be a DJ - That is harking back to a youthful time and is diametrically at odds with being a family man.

Kick him out.
He's yearning for a lost youth, and doesn't want to be tied down by the sounds of it.

Men like this are fundamentally two a penny- immature and selfish.

He's lazy, selfish and not a good father at all. It's up to you to make a decision whether you want to continue living with him or ask him to leave. An excuse of a man

The line that stands out most:

Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold.

Evidently he was just plain cold and has felt railroaded into having another baby he didn't want. He may have been giving you mixed signals but it is very hard to keep saying No, when someone is so persistent and won't let the issue drop. Both parents should be 100% in agreement on big issues that affect both, otherwise you end up with scenarios like this. It appears you both have far too much resentment towards each other for this relationship to be salvageable.

I do not care if he was 'railroaded' into having another baby or not. Presumably he has heard of contraception. Argument fails, throw it out of the window.

He is now a father of two who will not properly support their mother. She seems to be making excuses for him.

I say again, agreeing with everyone who has said so - get rid of him, throw him out, don't waste any more energy on him.

Am I prejudiced against depressives? No, I'm a life-long sufferer. But if he's genuinely depressive he won't have the energy to spin those decks, or whatever djs do. He won't. So... draw your own conclusions.

He wants out. He wants OP to throw him out.
Give him what he's longing for.

I don't disagree with you.

Just pointing out that it was doomed to fail before it began. Her DH has a history of struggling to adjust after the first baby, clearly didn't want the second and now they are where they are as a result.

Having both parents around when one is being emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive and dumping everything on the other person will only guarantee that your children will grow up thinking that dysfunctional families are the norm and go into the same type of relationships.

There really is no "fun" in a dysfunctional family.

Please don’t apologise. You didn’t upset me. It’s actually really helpful to have such clear feedback. I am in the process of sorting it out. It was a slow creep.

Yes, the OPs husband sounds similar. I hope not though.

Way to victim-blame!

IF you had actually read the OP's posts, you would have read that her NVDH was hot and cold about another child.

How DARE you victim-blame. What kind of nasty, horrible, hateful person does that to another person?

100% agree.

@AmberMoose I am another one who is so angered by this post. I am so upset for you. You deserve much better than this. As do your children .

I am very compassionate re mental health struggles - have struggled myself - but NO; sorry your DH needs to do better.

Get help immediately or leave. This cannot go on you will absolutely burn out.

I had a fussy baby with a partner that helped and I was on my knees with tiredness and overwhelm. I can’t even imagine how you have the headspace to make all these accommodations for his “need for space”.

Tell him to take space on a more permanent basis until he is well and ready to adult, and get some help for yourself even if you have to pay for it.

💐

When he is in a good place, he is a wonderful husband who is demonstrative in his love and appreciation

When he's in a good place, aka when things are going his way.

Provisional psychologist means he's still training, right? Then he should be well aware of the need to self-reflect, of his own limitations and of the need to get support from other professionals if necessary. I can't imagine his supervisor would be impressed, at all, if s/he knew he was expressing suicidality but doing nothing about it. In all honesty, the next time he comes out with something like this I think you need to tell him you're so concerned that you're going to speak to his supervisor (and, I suspect, watch his tune change fast). I hope there isn't a next time, though, for your sake and also because I do think you need to think about the relative merits of being alone and being so badly accompanied.

@AmberMoose One thing that really jumps out..you call the children ''MY'' children, {MY Daughter, MY baby, not 'OUR' children..

This is I feel shows that you are definitely not on the same page, and already see yourself as separate from him.

Second babies can cause relationships to founder, especially if the man hasn't finished with his ''youth''. {Either real or imagined}

DJ-ing is associated with being young, free and single, and all that goes with that.

If you read all the OPs posts, she writes that she was working on letting go of the idea and had given up and it was him that raised the idea again and asked her to put her ovulation dates in the diary.

Well said and I agree. There's a good article by Victoria Smith who discusses abusive men and mental illness. But whether or not normal feelings of frustration and sadness and resentment have been pathologized here (I'd put my money that they have), the reality is OP is being mentally abused by her husband. His behavior, regardless the cause, is deeply wrong.

The problem with lay people ascribing mental illness to these men is that it assumes if he would only get treatment he will be nice always. I don't think I believe that.

Absolutely not true and a ludicrous, insensitive thing to say.

Have you met women whose partners have killed themselves?

Have you met children whose fathers have died by their own hands?

The Children are haunted by it, it really has a seriously negative impact on their lives.

I am pleased to see you have got some excellent advice on this thread OP and I hope it works out for you.

When I saw that he has started DJing aged 41 that makes it sound like he is desperately and tragically trying to hold on to his youth and less likely that he is actually depressed, he just doesn’t want to grow up.

Also I’ve seen many threads on here where husbands will often say they are suicidal and then it turns out they have been having an affair. I don’t want to cause you unnecessary anxiety but I would be extra cautious.

@AmberMoose ... are you in an English Speaking country? Do you have a circle of support where you are?, If not...maybe you can post on 'International Mothers living in XXXX and maybe find someone who can come to chat and hold the baby for you for 5 minutes. I am a doula and I would respond if you posted anonymously on our local group.

my friends ex used to threaten suicide. He was not suicidal but was lazy like your DH and did not want to help in any way with the children. In the end, every time he threatened it she said she was going to have to call 999 because she was so worried about him. He soon stopped saying it.

I absolutely hate it when people use suicide as a manipulative tool. My dad committed suicide due to poor mental health and so people threatening it when they’re not remotely suicidal but just cba to actually parent, massively pisses me off.

Not necessarily. My df was emotionally abusive to my dm, scared us kids and had everyone walking on eggshells around him.

Life ultimately improved when he committed suicide - yes it was shocking and a nasty time but I think we are all very different people (for the better) today than we would’ve been if he was still around causing upset and dominating everyone.

Suicide is a taboo subject but sometimes it can be a relief when toxic people are out of your life, even if it’s horrid in the short term. People aren’t really allowed to say this of course!

So, a man who didn't really want another baby, chose to ejaculate inside his wife when he knew when her fertile days were? And now is bemoaning that child and his life?

His poor children deserve so much better than this pathetic manchild.

Kick the loser out!