Husband depressed after birth of our second child ten weeks ago, says I make him want to kill himself

[AmberMoose]

My husband is depressed, regrets our baby and told me that I make him want to kill himself. I don't know what to do.

First time posting. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, perhaps some outsider perspective. My husband (41) and I (38) had our second baby 10 weeks ago. We also have a six year old daughter. Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold. Two miscarriages, two years of trying etc...

Second baby is significantly harder than our first - lots of crying, up 1000 times at night etc - and my husband is not coping. He has checked out and I feel like I am solo parenting our baby. He says he is depressed (post partum depression perhaps?) and is having a major existential crisis. He is so unhappy with our -admittedly, charmed - life and feels like I've been calling the shots over our ten year relationship.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself. I've been doing all I can to ensure he has free time - I took both kids out of the house when the baby was just a couple of weeks old to give him space when I was still sore and recovering and just wanted to be on the couch. He has taken several trips away to do various things related to his music, I have looked after the kids without complaint, I ask about how he's feeling, listen to him complain (about me and our life), take on additional life admin tasks to take them off his plate... All things he has expressed in the past make him feel loved and cared for.

Two nights ago when I got home after four days away (with both kids to give him space and free time) he says that the key to him feeling better is that he needs to better compartmentalise all his responsibilities and ensure he has enough time for all of them - i.e., more time. For him to have more free time, I need to exchange mine and I feel I have nomore.to give. I am feeling so much resentment towards him. I have been out of the house only twice by myself; I barely have had enough alone time to blow dry my hair over the past two and a half months. I have never asked for help ( I did once and it sent him on a spiral); not even in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted I feel I am about to crack. Never once have i handed him the baby and bottle and begged for an extra hour of sleep. The few times I have told him how hard it is he has essentially told me that ive gotten what I wanted (a baby) and to suck it up. He takes the baby every now and then for like ten minutes, baby cries, husband is like "urgh, no thank you! This baby is hard work!", never once stopping to reflect on what it's like for me during the other 23h and 50 minutes of the day.

He has said once before that he is becoming suicidal. Last night he raised it again and said .. this is a quote " you are making me want to kill myself". I want to say it's the depression talking and I am trying to be compassionate but I am also furious and trying hard not to be. The worst part is that he's not the first person to say that to me, my mum said something similar when I was like 10 (she had significant trauma that was never dealt with I now know and is generally not ok). This morning he hugged me and said he felt like there was a weight of, I hugged him back and we cried but I am left feeling like total shit - a truly horrible person that makes people want to kill themselves.

I am bouncing from rage to guilt to deep shame and I don't know what to do.

Most of the people replying here really need to educate themselves on suicidal thoughts. Classic MN over reactive bullshit. No balance.

Depression and being suicidal doesn't always look like being unable to get dressed.

I've been there as well, and outwardly i was completely functioning. I had children to look after, i couldn't afford to stay in bed all day. It doesn't mean i was not depressed.

Op it is possible for your dh to be both depressed and an arsehole. Only you know him. But it's supremely unfair for him to lump all parenting for a baby which he agreed to, onto you. The baby will grow up knowing they're resented by him and treated differently to their sibling.

Personally I think you guys need to break up, it's not doing any of you good being together.

He is treating you horribly, and being very selfish whether depressed or not it's not something you have done to him.

So why did he agree to it then? The op was having therapy to deal with only having one child. She was prepared to accept it. You speak as if she browbeat him or coerced him in some way.

He needs to take control of his mental health and go to gp, get a referral for talking therapies and/ or medication. If he feels a certain way and it makes him miserable.he needs.to take control. He needs to prioritise. If his hobby is his priority you have a clear message. Navigating our various responsibilities as adults is our responsibility. He needs to stop complaining about other people and start reflecting.

It really is this simple, OP. Of course he's not getting any 'better' - he's got you right where he wants you, dancing around him and making him and his 'feelings' your primary concern.

I missed whether you confirmed that he knows what your mother used to say to you, but I would bet a significant amount of money that he does and is happily, and unforgivably, using that because he knows it works (to keep you where he wants you).

As many point out, genuine depression would likely involve the modicum of self-reflection that would stop him blaming you for suicidality, and the mental and emotional inertia that would stop him going off on his DJing jaunts (FFS).

I'm so sorry you are facing this lack of support from the one person who really should be putting the needs of his family above his own needs.

My advice to you is the same as to anyone when someone is threatening suicide. Call an ambulance and let the professionals deal with it.

Your priorities have to be your DC and yourself.

It's just funny that female post natal depression doesn't manifest in wanting to spend more time DJ'ing.

Pack his bag.

If he’s genuinely depressed he goes to the doctor.
If he’s emotionally abusive and wants out of his responsibilities then kick him out.

My guess is the second and his djaying suggests he wants to play at being 25 again.

It sounds like he didn't really want a second baby - and now the baby is here and difficult he doesn't want to take responsibility and is blaming you.

Your situation sounds really bad (well, you know that) and I'm really sorry that, as well as dealing with a new baby, you are having to put yourself out massively to give him as much space and freedom as possible. (That's not what being a parent is about. It IS full-on, knackering at the start.)

It's difficult to say whether he's really depressed or just a selfish arse (I suspect it's a lot of this).

@Heartoverhead1 he did not agree. As I’ve explained in my post: nothing less than wholehearted enthusiasm and a resounding and unwavering yes will do.

He blew hot and cold - not good enough.

I feel for the OP because she’s under enormous stress and he’s behaving appallingly letting her take it all, but he didn’t even cope well with ONE! “Adjustment” disorder. Jesus: read the runes.

By the sound of it, he’d rather not have had any.

Tell him to grow the f**k up. What a selfish man. DJing and partying whilst you’re at home ?! You are being too kind and he is manipulating you and taking advantage of your kindness.
Tell him to seek help. And have time to yourself to go out with your friends and get glammed up as you damn well deserve.

This is so true, I have had several severe bouts of depression and getting up and dressed felt like climbing a mountain, I lost interest in all the things I enjoyed, I was exhausted despite doing very little. The D J ing thing jumped out at me too, it is hardly the actions of someone who is depressed to the point of wanting to end their life. I fully appreciate that depression has many gradients and that people can and do work with depression and that people can mask the pain that they are in, but managing to start a new hobby that conveniently gives you an excuse to totally absent yourself from your family is well, a little suspect perhaps

he did not agree. As I’ve explained in my post: nothing less than wholehearted enthusiasm and a resounding and unwavering yes will do.

Wrong, orgasming into a woman’s vagina will do it, no magic words, biology doesn’t care for them. No one forced him to do that, he made the choice. Lets stop pretending words are a contraceptive choice for men.

Bit off topic but I was given this diagnosis after being the victim of a serious sexual assault (by a stranger who followed me on the street, it was horrific) . At the time I thought it was a bit odd as I think anyone would struggle to "adjust" to an experience like that and to be sleepless, scared and highly anxious was a realistic response.

@Naunet i suppose I’d ask, from a practical perspective, would the OP be unhappier if:

1. they had only one child but a relatively stable marriage; or
2. the current situation and with two kids and the shitshow she’s now in.

Women who are desperate for a baby don’t think about this because the biological urge takes over. She’s clearly very unhappy now but wanted another kid so badly, she was reckless as to how that would actually affect her marriage.

its all academic though, really: sounds like the husband just hates parenting. Lots of women actually think it’s not all it’s cracked up to be as well; it’s just taboo for mothers to say that.

This sounds such a tough situation. Both of you need to get some medical intervention - him for his mental health and possibly some counselling for you - linked with your childhood issues/husband's behaviour now.
Your marriage may or may not survive but you need to look after yourself and then your children. There is a limit as to what you can do to support your husband, particularly when he's manipulating situations to get what he wants. If he is as bad as he says, the ultimatum is medical support or go - maybe harsh but necessary.
(I've lived with a coercive boyfriend - suicidal threats/attempts - I didn't have children but I left and he survived!)

@Lifeomars exactly. PND is kind of the same TBH: “I feel depressed as I never sleep and have the crushing responsibility of looking after a tiny helpless baby (often with little to no respite as we live so far from our extended families now).

fucking hold the front page: it’s a totally normal reaction.

First reply nailed it😁

I have a friend whose partner suffered from depression, resented the way family life took him from his hobby, struggled with children's demands etc.

She fought for the relationship for years, because she wanted their children to have a father in their life. This entailed her doing counselling with him, reading loads of books, taking on everything and bending backwards to make him happy.

He left in the end anyway, met someone else younger, planning a baby with new woman etc.

If my friend could do it again, she'd kick him out in the very beginning, when her children were younger and mostly oblivious to the upheaval.

Honestly OP, if you're going to fight for this, put a strict time limit on it and stick to it. But I'm with a PP and think you should tell him he's either all in now, or all out.

I also feel so sorry for your baby. I'd hate to have a situation where my DH had a 'preferred' child and think the impact that could have on your baby long term is awful. I think that's reason enough for him to go.

Several people have highlighted it, there was a whole discussion about it

Agree. I smell the script.

I really don't think you should be making his life easier. Carry on as you are. Ask for help when you need it. If he keeps saying he's suicidal, then tell him to leave the family. It's obvious he doesn't want to be a part of it. He shouldn't be doing his hobby as a dj at night. A real father would prioritise his family over an over night hobby. So please stop encouraging it.

There really is a label for everything now, isn't there?

(and that isn't denigrating those who have suffered some terrible life-changing event and are struggling to adjust to the reality of the new normal).

Having post natal depression myself i had to take responsibility. Got treatment, medication and counselling. I put in the work whilst looking after 3 under 3. What i couldn’t do is just “check out.”