Husband depressed after birth of our second child ten weeks ago, says I make him want to kill himself

[AmberMoose]

My husband is depressed, regrets our baby and told me that I make him want to kill himself. I don't know what to do.

First time posting. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, perhaps some outsider perspective. My husband (41) and I (38) had our second baby 10 weeks ago. We also have a six year old daughter. Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold. Two miscarriages, two years of trying etc...

Second baby is significantly harder than our first - lots of crying, up 1000 times at night etc - and my husband is not coping. He has checked out and I feel like I am solo parenting our baby. He says he is depressed (post partum depression perhaps?) and is having a major existential crisis. He is so unhappy with our -admittedly, charmed - life and feels like I've been calling the shots over our ten year relationship.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself. I've been doing all I can to ensure he has free time - I took both kids out of the house when the baby was just a couple of weeks old to give him space when I was still sore and recovering and just wanted to be on the couch. He has taken several trips away to do various things related to his music, I have looked after the kids without complaint, I ask about how he's feeling, listen to him complain (about me and our life), take on additional life admin tasks to take them off his plate... All things he has expressed in the past make him feel loved and cared for.

Two nights ago when I got home after four days away (with both kids to give him space and free time) he says that the key to him feeling better is that he needs to better compartmentalise all his responsibilities and ensure he has enough time for all of them - i.e., more time. For him to have more free time, I need to exchange mine and I feel I have nomore.to give. I am feeling so much resentment towards him. I have been out of the house only twice by myself; I barely have had enough alone time to blow dry my hair over the past two and a half months. I have never asked for help ( I did once and it sent him on a spiral); not even in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted I feel I am about to crack. Never once have i handed him the baby and bottle and begged for an extra hour of sleep. The few times I have told him how hard it is he has essentially told me that ive gotten what I wanted (a baby) and to suck it up. He takes the baby every now and then for like ten minutes, baby cries, husband is like "urgh, no thank you! This baby is hard work!", never once stopping to reflect on what it's like for me during the other 23h and 50 minutes of the day.

He has said once before that he is becoming suicidal. Last night he raised it again and said .. this is a quote " you are making me want to kill myself". I want to say it's the depression talking and I am trying to be compassionate but I am also furious and trying hard not to be. The worst part is that he's not the first person to say that to me, my mum said something similar when I was like 10 (she had significant trauma that was never dealt with I now know and is generally not ok). This morning he hugged me and said he felt like there was a weight of, I hugged him back and we cried but I am left feeling like total shit - a truly horrible person that makes people want to kill themselves.

I am bouncing from rage to guilt to deep shame and I don't know what to do.

just picking up on this comment - why does he think you should be putting him first, to the detriment of your own health or, ultimately, the children that you are responsible for?
That in itself suggests he is pretty selfish.
When you have a baby, they are completely dependant - you NEED to put that baby first.

It is OK to put yourself first too. You cannot support anyone else if you are on the floor - its the oxygen mask theory - put your own mask on first before you help anybody else.

IF he has depression / MH then its not your job to deal with that - and just letting him opt out of family life - the family HE created, and remove all household jobs etc, so he can run around like a single man playing at DJ isnt the way to do it anyway. What he needs is MH support to learn how to cope with the stress and responsibility, not carte blanche to run away from it.
Or to have the balls to actually say that he wants to leave. He doesnt get to play the depressed card and try to force you to be happy that he is opting out.

You can support him through treatment, but you are not a mental health professional (I guess) and even if you were, its not your job to fix him. He needs to take responsibility to either fix himself with proper support, to be a father and husband, or to call time

Yes and it should be the main point of concern right now.

He provided the sperm. If he didn't want a baby, he shouldn't have ejaculated in a woman he knew was not on contraception. He should have said no, i don't want another baby.

Why is she responsible for a choice he made? You're using your own life experience to demonstrate why op is in the wrong.

Surely your life experience shows he's the one in the wrong. You didn't want a baby, you've prevented a baby. He didn't want a baby, so he ejaculates into a vagina of a woman whom he has told that he wants a baby.

The two things do not compute.

"post partum depression perhaps"

Men cannot get PND because they are not post natal.

Just sounds like a garden variety boring male mid life crisis from an absolute arsehole who may or may not actually be depressed.

He doesn't sound the type to get help though.

I think a few of us have gently tried to broach this but perhaps your more direct approach is needed.

OP- Your dh has told you he's suicidal and is alone with your 6 year old. That's your priority atm.

Just to respond to a few common points:

• I am not concerned for the safety of my daughter. Does this mean I suspect his words were a manipulation at worst, an over reaction at best? Yes, probably. He has also said he would never do anything to hurt the kids, and my daughter is the absolute light of his life. The only thing that is bringing him joy and probably the thing that will pull him through this. He is a fantastic dad to her, if anything he has been overcompensating since our baby was born.
• I am financially secure and not dependant on him in this regard. I am on maternity leave currently from a well paying job but still receiving 100% of my salary. The bigger issue is we live in Europe and main support system is in the southern hemisphere. I will be going home in a couple of months before I start back at work.
• I just called one of my best friends from home, had a good cry and she repeated much of the advice here: that it's not my fault nor my sole responsibility. I then called one of his sister's to tell her what was going on and that I need help managing the situation.
• this is going to make your heads spin but he is actually a provisional psychologist; the reason he has not seen someone immediately is because he knows the tools and scripts etc they will go through and figured he could do it (CBT for ex) himself. He did mention the night of that conversation that he has found someone to talk to - I will ask for more concrete details about this when I next speak to him
• on the second baby thing: I had all but closed the door on this but after reconciling after a very tough period in our relationship, he said that he wanted to put the second baby idea back on the table because the incident made him realize what was important blah blah blah. He asked if I could start putting my fertile windows in our joint calendar and away we went. Sure I wanted it more than he did, but he was catalyst from me shifting my focus from getting over it to getting pregnant.
• I agree with all of you that I am being a bit too accommodating. I don't know why I allow myself to accept these breadcrumbs of love and affection; honestly I would probably be pretty judgemental of my "meekness" if I heard someone repeat this story to me.
• lastly, yes he's aware of the conversation with my mum as a kid. Whether he remembers it or not, I can't say.

Wow some of these comments. No wonder men's mental health is still so taboo and so many men suffer in silence until it sadly becomes too much to bear.

If someone is saying they feel suicidal then you should take them at their word. Sadly mental health services aren't the best but if you can encourage your DH to make a GP's appointment or contact the Samaritans then they will be able to support him further.

Also OP - none of this is about you or the children. You might find it beneficial to reach out for support too.

It's very worrying this manipulative abusive man is a provisional psychologist.

If you're financially independent I think you should leave. It won't get better, in in fact he'll be learning some nice little mind tricks that he can use to ramp it up.

And wtf is adjustment disorder??? Is that a new label for "getting used to a change"?

Thank you, this is actually very helpful. I appreciate it.

I have to be completely honest and say an expression of suicide is not always genuine.

There have been countless examples on here (and i have also seen it in real life) where men threaten it as a form of manipulation or emotional blackmail. ‘I will kill myself if you leave’ etc.

I also used to work in a call-centre type role where customers would threaten suicide if I didn’t do something for them. As soon as I informed them that their declaration would mean i would have to contact the police to ensure their safety, they all backtracked.

Why did you have another baby with someone who clearly didn't want another child?

Only way forward here is divorce.

So much ignorance.
Mens mental health is not 'taboo'. In fact we talk about it ALL the time and the women in their lives tend to bend over backwards for them at even the hint of a mental health issue.

Well ... I think I'm also an "emotional and selfish prick", that's why I never had children. (Female).
Obviously the husband should ideally be there and give as much support to his family as expected of father of two.
However, I perfectly understand how he feels.
Giving yourself up for benefit of others is something not every adult manages.
ATM, the OP would be better off without his "influence".
Sorry.

@AmberMoose Ihave two young children, a husband with depression and occasional suicidal weeks. I will pick up the slack when he's 'in the hole' but those suicidal weeks only last a few weeks. We don't find the medication was useful unfortunately so we just ride them out.

I can tell when the depression holes are happening. His face actually starts to look haunted. Talking to him is like talking to someone who has been sat with a child kicking the back of their chair for the last hour- he just blows up emotionally. He suddenly starts to sleep longer and deeper than is usual for him. He cries completely broken cries to himself curled up in his bed. He asks me to hide things (medications etc) that have been consuming his thoughts that day.

We ride it out, try and get him to eat, sleep, exercise eventually when I can. It's only bad for a few weeks and he starts to rally. St Johns Wort did seem to help a little too.

The difference is he's an incredibly involved father outside of these times, easily taking half of the chores. He used to rock the babies to sleep on his shoulder at night to give me a sleep cycle uninterupted before he went to bed. We plan out breaks to ensure we each get a decicated awake time each night.

I think this is more than depression as he isn't bonding with the kids and the way you describe it doesn't sound entirely- genuine? It sounds kind of manipulative. When my husband mentions feeling suicidal he is broken, scared, the pain is written all over him, he loves me so keeps apologising about it to me. It's not like this. It isn't helped by space really besides the sleep as the problem isn't family its inside him. I would be tempted to retreat to a parents for a while for some space if it was me.

I disagree.posters desire for a baby has left her in the shit.Also husband did not want it.Why oh why cant people just have one and why do women force reluctant men into this .Sadly I learned too late if you want something doing do it yourself with a sperm bank or choose a solid man.

Because it wasn't clear that he didn't. If you weren't in such a hurry to put the boot in to an exhausted and worried OP, you'd have read her latest update.

Why oh why do men not take reaponsibility for their own contraception and then blame women when a pregnancy happens

Why oh why do posters not read all the OPs posts and see that the DH in this situation actively decided he wanted a second baby

Gosh, I really feel for you. I remember how hard this stage is. I remember begging ExH to help me with night feeds, only to be told No, because he had to be sharp at work. At one point I was getting up 10 times a night (2 children close together) and then almost falling asleep at my desk at work. He never ever did a night feed. It was so hard.

I think it's hard to know whether your DH is clinically depressed, or whether he is just a selfish dick who is playing the suicide card, in order to keep you in check. You are doing everything, because you are too terrified to ask for help. He meanwhile, gets a cushy life at your expense.

The one thing I would say, is that most people who commit suicide just go off and do it, without telling anyone. The ones who say it, are usually crying for help or being manipulative. If your DH is truly suicidal, then I would not trust him around the children, as he would not be in his right mind and could harm them. This has happened many times before, so in that regard I think you do need to get to the bottom of this, force him to seek help, and do not let the children be alone with him. I know you don't think he's a risk, but my favourite hobby is watching crime documentaries, and I've seen dozens where men have killed their children because they want a new carefree life. This man is telling you to your face that he thinks he is mentally ill. Please listen.

Overall, he doesn't sound like someone I would want to build a life with. He doesn't seem to care about your wellbeing whatsoever. I think if you stay with him, you will face a lifetime of always putting him first, and putting your own needs at the very bottom of the heap.

His DJ ing and his regular trips away, sound like a typical mid life crisis to be honest. He's surrounded by young people, who have no responsibilities, and then he returns home to real life and 2 kids. Do you really now what he's up to on his trips away? Have you checked his phone? Sounds all a bit fishy to me. He's 41 - prime age for a mid life crisis and all that goes along with it.

You deserve SO much more than this bullshit.

He's a trained psychologist and tells you you're making him suicidal?

The fucker knows EXACTLY what he's doing. He's a walking field of red flags.

He did mention the night of that conversation that he has found someone to talk to

The cynic in me says "I'll bet he has!"

most people who commit suicide just go off and do it, without telling anyone.

This. ⬆

Also - very depressed people rarely commit suicide - they literally don't have the energy, and nor can they make a decision. Yes - they want to die. They wish that they would just not wake up in the morning - BUT, they can't physically do anything about it.

Their danger point comes (ironically) when they are starting to recover. They recover enough energy. They feel that their lives aren't worth living and/or they are dragging their families down with them. They are able to consciously take a decision to end their own lives. They have the energy to do so. (Strangely, if it is their first serious bout of depression, they rarely commit suicide on the way "down", because they have no idea how fucking bad it is going to be. People with serious regular depressive episodes are I more danger on the downward spiral, because they do.)

The likelihood is your DH is saying these things to you to make you feel awful. And he may have a reason for this. The reason may be related to the person he has "found to talk to".

Sorry, but I think there is more to this than he is telling you.

Edit to add a sentence

So he’s a psychologist?! I think he very much remembers what your mother said to you.
And you say he blames you for the second child despite him previously asking you to put your fertile days on the calendar so he could better help you conceive?

He sounds bloody awful to me! WTF are you doing walking around with the baby when you are leaving his lazy arse on the sofa? Please wake up and realise that depressed or not ,he is behaving like a complete arsehole !

I’m so sorry you’re going through it OP.

I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and it gets worse when I’m going through difficult times. After the birth of my second was a prime example. Do you know what I have never done though? I’ve never said to my husband that he ‘makes me suicidal’. Unless you were literally abusing your husband I don’t see how he could have any reason to say something so hurtful to you. If he really didn’t want a second child he could have a) not had sex with you b) had a vasectomy

He definitely remembers.
What a bastard.

Came here to say this - most comments here are staggeringly disrespectful to men as a sex and shaming people with real genuine mental health issues is incredibly dangerous

Men DO GET DEPRESSED and they DO GET DEPRESSED AFTER CHILDBIRTH even though they don't give birth

It's a staggering change for a man, women at least get a chance to get used to it, you have to for 9 months, we don't.

This guy needs help, from his friends, his wife and probably his GP and a therapist

No he's not gone about it well, but who the hell does without ten years of therapy?

Have some compassion - it's trope that every time a women comes to complain about a man on Mumsnet they get 99 responses saying "leave the prick" but it's disgusting to see it here