Emotional affair the aftermath

[Hereforthechat79]

Finding it really difficult to process this. Old friend of my husband that I also know he started flirting with in order to feel wanted as he wrongly had convinced himself that I didn’t want him and would abandon him. To explain he has been diagnosed with complex ptsd and disassociation so in his head all this was a fantasy whereas to me it was very much a reality and if I hadn’t seen an exchange of messages it would have been a full blown sexual affair I believe. She was certainly up for it. He insists was all in his head and never would’ve done that. It’s the messages and betrayal and the fact she was in my home behind my back 3 times I’m struggling with. The way he spoke about me and then she said things too making it out to be all my fault was so hurtful.

I know he isn’t well which has all since come to light and it explains a lot of the behaviour tbh as this isn’t something I could’ve seen him ever do. The way he reacted when I initially found out was what’s your problem I haven’t done anything as it was all just in his head.

im struggling xx

The illness sounds like a convenient excuse.

I’m not one to give excuses but it does make sense with childhood trauma and the way he was unaware of so many factors like timings etc which when I confronted him about he was genuine in his face

Agree with @Nicebloomers, his illness is the excuse he is given to you. Quote "what is your problem, I haven't done anything" sounds like the initial response a cheater who wants to wash all his responsibility of it will have regardless of his health situation. "It is not me, is you, you are reading too much, seeing things that didn't happen etc"
Well, I tell you what, it wasn't you, were them the ones doing it.

He can have childhood traumas, but use them to try to erase his accountability is just a tactic of deflection.

Trauma and illness are constantly used as excuses because they fall deep down in the people empathy.

As examples an emotional affair with a person with a broken leg is still and affair. A people who shout, sulks etc is still abusive regardless of their childhood.

Don't fall for it.

His mental health has no bearing on his knowledge that this kind of interaction with another woman is wrong. And I say this as someone with bipolar and CPTSD. I dissociate frequently also. He's using his MH to absolve himself of responsibility for his actions. Long standing and regular messages to another woman are separate to his MH and whatever trauma he may have experienced. Please be under no illusions that he will have known this was wrong and also that it's a betrayal of you.

Thank you both I am just devastated he has betrayed me in this way. I will try screenshot the messages I saw x

It seems he's really piling on the pressure to get and she's being clear that she isn't interested. He's also effectively trying to guilt her into sexual relations with him which is just gross. What's awful messages. I'm so sorry OP. I'm sure you're devastated x

She threw herself at him two nights before. He said it was like watching it from afar and not doing anything and wouldn’t have had sex

He was totally up for it and driving it. PTSD or not, I'm sorry I couldn't live with that. You know what you need to do but your head needs to be in that space

OP, I’m sorry for what you are going through. Those messages would be the end of the relationship for me, because it seems likely that if given the chance, he would have cheated.

But I’m actually posting to suggest that you remove those screenshots and put some up having anonymised them. It looks like your name is in them, as is the name of a child.

It wasn’t just in his head though, @Hereforthechat79. He acted on his desire by typing illicit messages to OW, speaking ill of you, and bringing her into your home behind your back. He knew exactly what he was doing, and showed no remorse when confronted.

If he felt that you weren’t invested, he had a range of options to choose from to deal with that, yet he chose the unethical path of emotional infidelity. He was bringing his fantasy to life, with OW’s help, but when you rumbled them he shifted the blame to you and his MH.

He made these choices that hurt you. Childhood trauma did not cause him to sneak OW into your home.

Thanks I’m not sure how to do that if you could let me know please xx

Oh dear lord. I'm so sorry 😢 I do think he's playing on his mental health as an excuse tbh. It seems quite clear from his messages he's pursuing this sexually so doesn't tally that he told you he wouldn't have had sex from reading those specific messages.

I’m pretty rubbish at technological stuff. But I think you can click to edit the post and remove the messages as part of the edit. If not, report the post to MN and ask them to remove them.

I’m sorry, but once I’ve seen those messages, he’s clearly thinking about it and she’s happy to take it further, it would be the end for me.

These are very identifying of your name and her child’s name. You’d want to get that taken down @Hereforthechat79

You can report your own post to MN

Edited and reattached

I've reported the texts.

But another one here thinking his MH is an excuse.
Asking her if she's coming round so he can have a shower 🤬

I’ve reported it to be removed and edited and put back on. X

These messages sound odd. Certainly not an email of someone who is into someone else emotionally. They seem clinical and like he is talking to himself.
It is not a usual seduction technique to discuss his shower routine…

He does sound unwell, unless it’s how he normally is.

He was so cold when confronted and I just could tally that with the man who said he was my soul mate and my everything. My world just fell apart and I wanted to kill myseld. Had a nervous breakdown in the days following

Sorry op but How are you so sure they haven’t had sex? Adults who have the ability to see each other in person have sex. It’s normal.

If it’s what he’s telling (we have not had sex) you need to remember he is a liar who will say whatever the other person needs to hear so HE gets what he wants/thinks he deserves. He has a PROVEN liar.

I cannot imagine mentioning pre sex showers etc to someone I have not yet touched sexually. To him is sex penis/vagina sex? But blow jobs and touching isn’t? Cheaters are great at lying by omission.

She threw herself at him is one if the oldest lines in the book. He is telling her how awful you are. He is fully complicit not an innocent victim of a nasty woman. He uses this for sympathy in his texts - my wife has destroyed my sexual confidence.

He is a common garden cheater and at present I don’t think you know the full story.

That’s a new thread started he’s obv deleted lots before. This is insane, how he can deny that?! You must feel awful that’s not an EA it’s a full on trying to get someone into bed.

The blatant preplanning is just repulsive and makes the 'it's all in my head' comment just ridiculous and a downright lie. So sorry you're going through this, try not to be gaslit by him

His message is awful, both for you abd in general .. wtf no pressure just need to time my shower 😳🤢👹