Emotional affair the aftermath

[Hereforthechat79]

Finding it really difficult to process this. Old friend of my husband that I also know he started flirting with in order to feel wanted as he wrongly had convinced himself that I didn’t want him and would abandon him. To explain he has been diagnosed with complex ptsd and disassociation so in his head all this was a fantasy whereas to me it was very much a reality and if I hadn’t seen an exchange of messages it would have been a full blown sexual affair I believe. She was certainly up for it. He insists was all in his head and never would’ve done that. It’s the messages and betrayal and the fact she was in my home behind my back 3 times I’m struggling with. The way he spoke about me and then she said things too making it out to be all my fault was so hurtful.

I know he isn’t well which has all since come to light and it explains a lot of the behaviour tbh as this isn’t something I could’ve seen him ever do. The way he reacted when I initially found out was what’s your problem I haven’t done anything as it was all just in his head.

im struggling xx

Sorry just read the latest post which may suggest no penetrative sex yet.

But the glimpse has made him think sex is on the cards.

Read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’. Also ‘not just friends’ by Shirley glass. Expect it to go underground.

Sorry op - do you have real life support?

No excuses for that. He's actively trying to get another woman to have sex with him and blaming you for it. The rest is bullshit.

I’m sorry OP but I think you’re being led down the garden path a bit here. How do you know she “threw herself at him” previously? Presumably that’s what he told you? Do those messages to you genuinely read like the messages of a man who would have refused sexual activity? He’s repeatedly asking her if she’s going to shag him and is even so blunt as to mention that he’ll give his cock a wash before she pops round if so😂

I think those messages show him chasing her, repeatedly, quite forcefully, asking for a yes in advance of her even arriving. I wouldn’t believe a single word he says. They speak for themselves, if anything SHE is the one saying she needs to think about it meanwhile he’s already got the shower gel ready for his midday shag

I had to confront her, she said I was over reacting and he confided in her as they are old friends and I did not know how bad I had made him feel 😡 she said she turned up Saturday night and was drunk, offered him bj etc as makes bad decisions when she is that way 🙈 she said to him let’s just see each other as fuck buddies behind your wife’s and my boyfriends back when we get the chance to, it’ll be fun! She also said to me once I’d got over my over reaction she hoped we could remain friends wtf xx

I can’t believe that as it is more devastating that I’ve never known this person and he’s lied to me all the years we have been together. It’s easier if I think the other way. It’s the worst thing to happen to me as my ex cheated on me before too x

Bloody hell, she's a piece of work too isn't she??

I’ve spoke with my gp and Samaritans when I’ve been really worried about the way my mind was going. They’ve really helped and my work knows but I don’t want to speak there as it’s too much. I don’t want to tell family either xx

Oh my god. That is truly awful. You need to walk away from the both of them, for your own sanity and wellbeing

She’s a lying scumbag wjo
likes to put on a prim and proper act but was shagging openly behind her husbands back when married. She’s a fucking horror man xx

If you choose to believe his lies this time, you will spend the rest of your life on edge waiting for it to happen again. Believe me, it's not worth it.

I know it’s turning me into a person I am not with my mental thoughts that are a bit erratic in reactions xx

What he has said and how I’ve been painted in those messages is the ultimate insult I’ve done so much to help and understand him and we actually have a really good sex life x

I hope you’re giving this same energy to your husband OP. He’s the only one who owed you loyalty. Your husband was the one asking in advance if she was going to shag him so that he could have a shower beforehand🤮 that’s far worse than anything she did. She has obviously made a bit of a foolish mistake while drunk and by the look of those texts sober she regrets it as she’s now saying she needs to think. Your husband, stone cold sober, is texting her trying to arrange his mid week shag. That’s far far worse.

Actually been trying to get him help mentally and it totally isn’t him with the way messages are written etc it’s just so weird. She 100% has gone back to her moralistic self but would def have met him on the thurs as she has shagged him before when she was married before he’d met me. She continues to deny that one and also shagged one of my husbands friends. Once again she’s drunk and makes bad decisions 🤣 xx

For me there is no future after what he has done. You cannot blame your illness for cheating. And if you let him get away with this because of his illness then what is he going to do next time because of 'it being in his head'.

I agree.

I know it's easy for us to say leave him but can you really stay with him after that?

I'm sorry this is happening ❤️

OP I don’t understand why you’re so intent on slating her in your replies, your husband is the one begging her to commit to a shag in those messages, she’s the one saying she needs time/putting him off

How dare he use his MH as an excuse he k ew exactly what he was doing and didn't care .letting her into your home is another level...I believe they had sex and if they didn't what they have done is still cheating in my eyes ...tbh you wl always have this in your head the decipt and lies fuck him off you deserve so much better ...dont let him take your self respect xx

Op I know you’re not in a good place right now so I’d focus all your energy on you and your mental health. His should be the last of your concern just now.

Those messages are awful, it’s not an emotional affair, this is full blown cheating. Hes invited her to your home, he’s clearly kissed her etc. He wanted to have a sex with her and if she was free right then and there then he would have invited her over again. In those messages, he is the one begging her and she said she needs to think. Hes then using self pity to try get her to change his mind.
She is awful too but she isn’t married to you, he is. Shes been very honest but has he? He’s blaming his mental health as an excuse to get out of it.

Why are you not directing your understandable anger and disgust at your husband ?

The messages show him going beyond a flirtation/EA. He is proposing sex and wants to shower first, and she is not ruling it out.

@Hereforthechat79, it would be game over for me, not only because of his sexual agenda, but also due to his slagging you off to her.

Where are the messages he sent I cannot see them on this post

@Nicetobenice7, on page 1 at 8:25.

OP it’s you that needs mental health support, more than your husband. You need to prioritise yourself.

cPTSD does not make you have an emotional affair. I have been diagnosed myself, and while it does affect you in many ways, it doesn’t shred your moral compass. Your husband is acting like a different person because he’s had an affair, that’s what people who have affairs do, you’ll see it on many threads on mn. They become callous, someone else, they can dissociate and lie and deceive. I wouldn’t call pathetically begging for sex and emotional affair, either. It’s gone past that. Him slagging you off is just what prick men having affairs do. It’s not a wider issue, just a basic man, having basic shitty behaviour.

So is he. Men always blame their mental health when they want to backtrack. How convenient that he’s just realised this must be the cause.

I’m not intending to be cruel. I think you realise he’s spinning you a line. ‘You can’t blame me because I’ve got ptsd. It’s not my fault’. Plus the implication that he has poor mental health, which naturally would make you worry about how this would manifest if you left.

He was completely up for it and he knew what he was doing. PTSD doesn’t rob you of your conscience or self control. Unless you are going to tell us that his PTSD is also making him behave this way at work, with his family, his friends. Suspect it’s just manifesting in him being a cheat - conveniently selective.