Page 4 | Emotional affair the aftermath

Hereforthechat79 · 2024-04-16T06:13:00+00:00

Finding it really difficult to process this. Old friend of my husband that I also know he started flirting with in order to feel wanted as he wrongly had convinced himself that I didn’t want him and would abandon him. To explain he has been diagnosed with complex ptsd and disassociation so in his head all this was a fantasy whereas to me it was very much a reality and if I hadn’t seen an exchange of messages it would have been a full blown sexual affair I believe. She was certainly up for it. He insists was all in his head and never would’ve done that. It’s the messages and betrayal and the fact she was in my home behind my back 3 times I’m struggling with. The way he spoke about me and then she said things too making it out to be all my fault was so hurtful. I know he isn’t well which has all since come to light and it explains a lot of the behaviour tbh as this isn’t something I could’ve seen him ever do. The way he reacted when I initially found out was what’s your problem I haven’t done anything as it was all just in his head. im struggling xx

Nicetobenice7 · 16/04/2024 12:02

Hereforthechat79 · 16/04/2024 12:01

He said no that was offered to him on the Saturday night but he never moved from the hall and she was only there for 10 mins before he told her to leave. However on checking the ring camera it was 3 hours so your guess is as good as mine!

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Don't need to guess...FACT

Original poster

Hereforthechat79 · 16/04/2024 12:08

I’m not a gullible person but feel like a fool now

OP posts:

Kbroughton · 16/04/2024 12:09

You don't need to worry about WHY he is behaving in this way. That's for him to work out. All you need to know is that he IS behaving in this way, and what he intends to do about it. It appears that he is suggesting doing nothing. Therefore your choices are very simple. Stay with a man who is behaving in a way that is deeply deeply hurtful, damaging and will mean you will be very very unhappy, or take a deep breath and leave. The messages are deeply odd for many reasons, almost psychopathic in their coldness, and I don't say that lightly. I speak as someone who was married for 10 years (relationship for 14) to someone who behaved in a very similar way, and I made way too much of the REASONS around why he was behaving in that way rather than the actions and their ramifications. Eventually he left me for one of his women! And I am much happier for it. Now my thoughts are much simpler. 'I don't care WHY you cheated on me, my dude. The fact is you cheated on me. I don't do that and don't want to be in a relationship with someone that addresses their issues in this way'. People, particularly but not exclusively, women, try to fix people issues rather than assess the actions and decide whether they can or cant live with them. This dude is behaving in a way that will seriously damage you (and any children you may have) in the future, if he hasn't already, and is doing nothing about it. Please please take the short term pain for the long term gain. You will recover and more quickly than you can possible imagine. But only if you leave.

Original poster

Hereforthechat79 · 16/04/2024 12:13

Kbroughton · 16/04/2024 12:09

You don't need to worry about WHY he is behaving in this way. That's for him to work out. All you need to know is that he IS behaving in this way, and what he intends to do about it. It appears that he is suggesting doing nothing. Therefore your choices are very simple. Stay with a man who is behaving in a way that is deeply deeply hurtful, damaging and will mean you will be very very unhappy, or take a deep breath and leave. The messages are deeply odd for many reasons, almost psychopathic in their coldness, and I don't say that lightly. I speak as someone who was married for 10 years (relationship for 14) to someone who behaved in a very similar way, and I made way too much of the REASONS around why he was behaving in that way rather than the actions and their ramifications. Eventually he left me for one of his women! And I am much happier for it. Now my thoughts are much simpler. 'I don't care WHY you cheated on me, my dude. The fact is you cheated on me. I don't do that and don't want to be in a relationship with someone that addresses their issues in this way'. People, particularly but not exclusively, women, try to fix people issues rather than assess the actions and decide whether they can or cant live with them. This dude is behaving in a way that will seriously damage you (and any children you may have) in the future, if he hasn't already, and is doing nothing about it. Please please take the short term pain for the long term gain. You will recover and more quickly than you can possible imagine. But only if you leave.

Thank you, that makes total sense to me. I think because of the reasons he put in messages it has made me feel I’ve driven him to this but I know that is totally not true and is a blatant lie, it is just to play the victim narrative. I need to not blame myself and think I deserve more. I would never treat someone in this way and straight away that makes me a much better person xx

OP posts:

FairyMaclary · 16/04/2024 12:21

You are not a fool.

Think about this another way and tell yourself that you are bloody marvellous. You were cheated on before yet despite this you formed a new relationship and trusted him. You have the capacity to move forward and form meaningful relationships despite your past. That’s not foolish that is vulnerability and shows your character.

Taking advantage of someone who loves and cares for you is foolish. Not ending your relationship and searching for ego kibbles behind the bike shed is foolish. Being a liar and having no integrity is foolish. Surely meaningful relationships are the best things in life?

Turn around the negatives!

He says he didn’t leave the hall. What does that even mean? Is it more lies by omission? Saying I didn’t leave the hall as a response could be him implying that he would leave the hall for a bj. He can have a BJ in the hallway surely?

Did she touch your skin or clothes or hair with her skin or clothes is a better question when people lie by omission?

However he is a liar so whatever he says can be taken with a pinch of salt. 10 minutes. Forgetting the ring doorbell. This is who he is. He’s now trying to control the situation. Another issue with cheaters they hate losing control of the situation so they continue to lie and then they often dress it up to ‘stop you from being hurt’.

They hurt you the minute they overstepped a boundary and chose to hide it from you. You just didn’t know it at that point. They now lie to protect themselves.

Op get real life support if possible. You really are the prize here. He certainly isn’t.

Sparklfairy · 16/04/2024 12:21

OP those screenshots are clearly showing him pursuing her. He's flat out lying to your face and you're falling for it. It was all in his head, he'd never have done anything, he asked her to leave after 10 minutes but you know it was 3 hours?

You say you have a good sex life yet he's wanging on to her about not feeling sexually desired for a long time. He's playing you both. If he can lie to you and you believe him, why are you directing your venom at her when he's clearly lying to her too! Anything he's told you about her (cheating on her husband), take with a huge pinch of salt. You can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth as you've already caught him in lies.

It's time to accept that the man you thought you were married to doesn't exist, or doesn't exist anymore. He's a liar and a cheat.

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 16/04/2024 12:28

Hereforthechat79 · 16/04/2024 07:40

I’m not one to give excuses but it does make sense with childhood trauma and the way he was unaware of so many factors like timings etc which when I confronted him about he was genuine in his face

I mean this in a kind way to you op but please don't give this theory weight. It has none. He may have done what he did because he was in what ever poor head space however unless said partner has lost the ability to even cross the road without checking for on coming cars then don't accept this response. What he did was absolutely awful and he needs to take full responsibility.

ScottishShortie · 16/04/2024 12:28

God this just gets worse. Get the hell out of there.
Have you got kids?

Original poster

Hereforthechat79 · 16/04/2024 12:28

FacingDivorceButSad · 16/04/2024 09:42

My (soon to be ex) husband had an affair with cptsd and in the words of my therapist "ptsd or not he made a choice. You don't have to tolerate that choice. Stop making his ptsd an excuse" and she was right. She was a therapist trained in trauma so it wasn't coming from someone with no understanding. As you said it might not have been his reality but it was yours and you don't have to push your trauma (that he caused) down to make way for his

Edited

Thank you for your message, what you say is so enlightening. If I need to message you to speak more are you ok if I send you a private message? Xx

OP posts:

ScottishShortie · 16/04/2024 12:30

I have CPTSD. I have mental health challenges and problems drinking too much at times to numb my pain. I’d never do this. So pleased you’ve caught him out. Take this as a blessing in disguise.

Original poster

Hereforthechat79 · 16/04/2024 12:31

EverybodyLTB · 16/04/2024 09:21

OP it’s you that needs mental health support, more than your husband. You need to prioritise yourself.

cPTSD does not make you have an emotional affair. I have been diagnosed myself, and while it does affect you in many ways, it doesn’t shred your moral compass. Your husband is acting like a different person because he’s had an affair, that’s what people who have affairs do, you’ll see it on many threads on mn. They become callous, someone else, they can dissociate and lie and deceive. I wouldn’t call pathetically begging for sex and emotional affair, either. It’s gone past that. Him slagging you off is just what prick men having affairs do. It’s not a wider issue, just a basic man, having basic shitty behaviour.

Could I message you privately if possible xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Hereforthechat79 · 16/04/2024 12:40

Sparklfairy · 16/04/2024 12:21

OP those screenshots are clearly showing him pursuing her. He's flat out lying to your face and you're falling for it. It was all in his head, he'd never have done anything, he asked her to leave after 10 minutes but you know it was 3 hours?

You say you have a good sex life yet he's wanging on to her about not feeling sexually desired for a long time. He's playing you both. If he can lie to you and you believe him, why are you directing your venom at her when he's clearly lying to her too! Anything he's told you about her (cheating on her husband), take with a huge pinch of salt. You can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth as you've already caught him in lies.

It's time to accept that the man you thought you were married to doesn't exist, or doesn't exist anymore. He's a liar and a cheat.

I think because she was my friend too x

OP posts:

turkeymuffin · 16/04/2024 12:43

Mrsttcno1 · 16/04/2024 08:52

OP I don’t understand why you’re so intent on slating her in your replies, your husband is the one begging her to commit to a shag in those messages, she’s the one saying she needs time/putting him off

This.
Those messages are awful. Not a drunk impromptu mistake - it's a pre planned and clinical decision about having sex. Makes me want to vom tbh.

Original poster

Hereforthechat79 · 16/04/2024 13:01

turkeymuffin · 16/04/2024 12:43

This.
Those messages are awful. Not a drunk impromptu mistake - it's a pre planned and clinical decision about having sex. Makes me want to vom tbh.

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Me too xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Hereforthechat79 · 16/04/2024 13:20

I think it’s because I have loved him and thought he was the person he appeared to me to be that has caused me so much devastation. It’s all been a big lie and I can’t believe someone could be that cold and manipulative. I’m really struggling but trying to get on with things and he is away for 4 weeks working so that will help me stop thinking constantly negative thoughts in my head. If he does anything when he’s away well that’s his decision and I think the fact I’m not getting worked up about it shows I know that’s not on me xx

OP posts:

FacingDivorceButSad · 16/04/2024 13:24

Hereforthechat79 · 16/04/2024 12:28

Thank you for your message, what you say is so enlightening. If I need to message you to speak more are you ok if I send you a private message? Xx

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Yes feel free to message if you need to talk. It's a lonely place to be as very few people can fully relate. Make sure you look after yourself and be kind to yourself

Blondiebeachbabe · 16/04/2024 13:42

Hello Op. My ExH (of 20 years) did very similar to me, and he actually slept with my very best friend. It was awful. I ditched them both and quite quickly met my lovely DH, who has never behaved in this way.

It's not an easy thing to leave, there are so many things to sort out like living arrangements and finances, but it's doable and you deserve so much better than this.

And no man is worth losing your future over. There are many more fish in the sea (if that's what you wanted).

Secondstart1001 · 16/04/2024 16:07

Dear Op, I really feel for you. Betrayal is a very hard emotion to come to terms with and the fact that it is your DP as well as your friend did this to you made you suicidal. I hope you recover and listen to the wise words from others on this post and get the support you need. Look after your MH above and over anyone else’s x

EmmaGrundyForPM · 16/04/2024 16:12

That's a lot more than an emotional affair.

SummerVibes03 · 16/04/2024 17:20

Four weeks without him is a wonderful opportunity to get your ducks in a row OP.

theworldie · 16/04/2024 17:32

She threw herself at him two nights before.

They always say this -he’ll be making out she’s some nympho bunny boiler who’s infatuated him whilst poor little him just stands by innocently watching it unfold.

It’s bollocks! Anyone with half a brain can see from the texts that he’s the one fuelling this situation - if anything she’s the one who sounds more neutral.

Another piece of shit man.

Redrose23 · 16/04/2024 22:31

Oh come on, 3hrs? They had sex. The discussion she admitted to afterwards where they talked about becoming fuck buddies behind your backs and “having sex whenever they could” surely tells you that they no doubt had sex before having that conversation? Or was it three hours of polite chit chat, a last minute random discussion about becoming fuck buddies and starting the fucking on the next opportunity they got? What do you think? I think they shagged and he’s lying.

Nicetobenice7 · 17/04/2024 09:04

Redrose23 · 16/04/2024 22:31

Oh come on, 3hrs? They had sex. The discussion she admitted to afterwards where they talked about becoming fuck buddies behind your backs and “having sex whenever they could” surely tells you that they no doubt had sex before having that conversation? Or was it three hours of polite chit chat, a last minute random discussion about becoming fuck buddies and starting the fucking on the next opportunity they got? What do you think? I think they shagged and he’s lying.

💯 tbh fuck or no fuck I would be gone but yes I agree .....they fucked

Redrose23 · 17/04/2024 09:06

Oh yeah, I mean even without them going ahead with it, the lines crossed are disgusting and she at least knows he would have cheated given the chance. Just seems to me all the evidence strongly points to the fact they’ve had sex, and they are continuing to make a fool of you with that missing information

Whoareye · 17/04/2024 09:46

Help narcissistic MIL need to rant

Hereforthechat79

I see OP you have started a new thread in Parenting describing your partner's mental health issues.
Are you still of the opinion that his mental health issues actually excuse the fact he is cheating on you physically and emotionally?