How to tactfully explain to friend I'll never go on holiday with her

[notsohappyholidays]

For a while now my friend and I have been planning a major holiday involving long haul travel and multiple countries (just for info, we have no kids yet)

I had to delay the holiday once due to a major change in my financial circumstances. Nothing had actually been booked, and I gave a year's notice. I thought she'd be understanding, but she was actually really cold about it and tried to pressure me into doing some of it instead of all of it. I managed to get through to her that I really couldn't afford it, but felt a bit resentful that she wasn't understanding.

We recently finally started properly planning the holiday and I've discovered she's actually secretly a massive control freak, and has lots of bizarre rules. I can't say too much because it's outing, but sample example, we must stay no less than 10 days in each location.

Just when we were about to start putting cash down on bookings, she postponed the holiday because of an unexpected change in her circumstances (the irony!)

I know this is just a temporary reprieve and the holiday chat will start up again soon. How do I tell her tactfully that we have different ideas about what makes a good holiday? I love her but I feel like I've dodged a bullet and never want to travel with her ever again. I feel guilty because I'm her only good friend (I guess now I know why)

"Sorry your idea of a holiday sounds ghastly. I shall not be pursuing this opportunity. Pip pip"

"I think that the sort of holiday you want is not my style and vice versa and we'd fall out."

"Sorry my name is Brian. I think this the wrong tel no"

Went on holiday with a friend in my twenties, never again.
They were a completely different person when away and all our long thought-out plans fell by the wayside, ended up coming home a week early (separately) having done very little of what we originally intended.
Our friendship did not survive.☹️

'I'm sorry, but I realise that we want different things in life. It's not you it's me. I truly hope we can remain friends. I wish you nothing but the best in Vegas life.'

Why bother with tact, she clearly isn't.

The nicest way I could phrase it is that she seems to have a clear vision of the trip she wants and that's great but her vision is different to yours and you are going to plan the holiday you want.

I had this once though I only found out on the first day, and mine was only a week long but I was miserable. On the way home there was chatter of booking up again and I just said "count me out. I am not interested in being on a holiday where I don't even get a say in where we eat even once. I went even so far as to say not to bother gifting me or surprising me with another trip because I wouldn't even get on the plane. They were miffed but now they go with their own little flock of sheep and everyone is happier.

Why would you spend all that time and money to just be a prop on someone else's holiday?

Well, if it's a holiday of a lifetime, I think you need to be prepare dfor her to be very very upset with you and it might damage your friendship forever.

But if that's the case, so be it. Because of course you shouldn't have to go on a long, expensive holiday that doesn't suit you. it's one thing to compromise a bit, but if it's entirely not what you like, then just say that, "Friend, I've been thinking and I think in the years since we first started talking about this I realise I just dont' think we want the same things from this holiday and I really don't want to take this much time and spend this much money if it's not ticking all my boxes. I'm sorry about this but I just don't think it's possible for me."

I think this might be the way to go.

When I add all the "rules" up, it's an insane list. I'm such a people pleaser, I just go with the flow when I'm chatting with her but I realise now it's sort of like the proverbial frog in the pan that doesn't realise it's too hot until the water is boiling.

As pp said she will be disappointed because it's something she has been looking forward to for a long time. But I guess the only option is to tell her the truth, which is that a lot of time has passed since you originally started planning and you have had a change of heart.

FWIW yes I do suspect she may be on the spectrum, but doesn't realise it

Honesty is usually the best policy OP, but phrase it tactfully. I have friends whose travel styles are very different to my own and while I love them dearly, I wouldn't go on holiday with them because we'd both end up having a shit time! Just tell her that as you started planning the trip you realised how different your priorities are for this trip and you think it's better that you both do things in your ways ... on separate trips.

Thank you, that's a good way to word it

You will dread the holiday and resent the expense if you don't say something now op. If you are tactful and your friend gives you the cold shoulder then let the friendship dwindle, she's allowed her reaction to your change of plans but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate being treated badly for it.

It's a misnomer, this isn't a 'holiday' - it's a project - one with outgoings - and one you don't feel the same about.
It is of course something that could turn into a disaster. I went on a trip to Italy with a former school friend, just him and me, mid 20s. Couple of flare ups, I lent him a not huge amount of cash on the final day - a day's wages back then, actually about £60 - it was amicable and he never paid it back and well, you don't need to know any of this, but holidays rather than being relaxing can be a dealbreaker. Often like weddings or Christmas, some use it to compensate for the rest of their year/life being rubbish, all the pressure is on for it to be perfect.

Yes that's exactly it, it now feels like a shared project with a difficult client

You need to tell her ASAP op before anything gets booked
My people pleaser parents have been going on regular holidays with their neighbours for the past decade despite the fact they would prefer to go alone. The neighbours suggest another holiday, my parents find various ways of trying to decline without actually declining (that date isn't suitable, not keen on destination, too expensive etc) and the neighbours just keep suggesting other options until they eventually say yes! All because they can't bring themselves to say that they prefer to do their own thing.

Maybe she was thinking the exact same thing, and her change of circumstances came at a good time for her too. You may never hear any more about it.

My mother does this- grudgingly goes along with ridiculously elaborate plans made by others, pays a lot of money to do things and go places that she has no interest in whatsoever. Think 57 hour bus trips to spend half a day trailing round some godforsaken shithole town or city. And then hates every second of it with a smile on her face. And then moans and gets upset afterwards.

Total waste of time, and it makes me unable to judge what she actually DOES like or enjoy!? Or even which people she actually likes. Horrible feeling, like standing on wet sand, trying to work out who is the "real her". She thinks she's being a good friend but I think it's duplicitous and would hurt the people if they realised she hates them and everything they do 😅 She's passive AF.

And the most annoying thing is that she thinks I'm some sort of asocial freak, because, yep, I only do what I want to do with whom I wish to do it 😅

The only person who can build your boundaries is YOU. Politely, but firmly. If your friend has a problem with that, it's just that- her problem. Don't waste time and money on something that isn't at least 80% compatible for you.

I was wondering this! It’s possible that she has picked up on your concern over her rules and now realises that you’re not compatible as holiday-goers.

I would draft a plan that is YOUR ideal plan but breaks her rules.

Then show her when she next raises it. Then discuss how to resolve it when she says its not possible to do XYZ. then you can both decide it won't work if neither can compromise.

Just when we were about to start putting cash down on bookings, she postponed the holiday because of an unexpected change in her circumstances (the irony!)

What an absolute gift! Please, OP, don’t waste it, whatever excuse you come up with. If you go it will be hell, I’m telling you now!

If you still want to go to these places, go with someone else, or go by yourself and break it up a bit is my suggestion.

Give any excuse!! You just don’t want to travel now. You’ve had second thoughts about travelling. You’re going to leave it for a few years. Whatever! Think of the most diplomatic one and RUN!

If you want to stay friends with her, fine, I guess, but just keep her within certain boundaries. Someone you can meet for a coffee or a drink, but never go on holiday with. Take it from me…

Come up with your own bizarre list of rules then watch her face

Bit naughty Chemistry 😆!

Hope she gets her own fufilling holiday one of these days.

I do know what I want. But I'll give an example. We find a hotel we really like within our budget. She then says we need to upgrade to a more expensive room just so that it suits her rules and requirements. Rather than acknowledging she has a problem, she has a way of making me feel like I have no standards if I don't want the expensive option. But we've made a budget for a reason. And then at the same time she can be really tight with money. Ack. I know, first world problems, I should be thrilled I even get to go on holiday.

It's a shame but if you've read threads on here where women have gone on holiday with friends and it's not worked out, you'll see the resentment, fury and eventual hatred that occurs towards the end of the holiday!

Would you travel on your own?