How to tactfully explain to friend I'll never go on holiday with her

[notsohappyholidays]

For a while now my friend and I have been planning a major holiday involving long haul travel and multiple countries (just for info, we have no kids yet)

I had to delay the holiday once due to a major change in my financial circumstances. Nothing had actually been booked, and I gave a year's notice. I thought she'd be understanding, but she was actually really cold about it and tried to pressure me into doing some of it instead of all of it. I managed to get through to her that I really couldn't afford it, but felt a bit resentful that she wasn't understanding.

We recently finally started properly planning the holiday and I've discovered she's actually secretly a massive control freak, and has lots of bizarre rules. I can't say too much because it's outing, but sample example, we must stay no less than 10 days in each location.

Just when we were about to start putting cash down on bookings, she postponed the holiday because of an unexpected change in her circumstances (the irony!)

I know this is just a temporary reprieve and the holiday chat will start up again soon. How do I tell her tactfully that we have different ideas about what makes a good holiday? I love her but I feel like I've dodged a bullet and never want to travel with her ever again. I feel guilty because I'm her only good friend (I guess now I know why)

Oh come on OP, tell us a couple more rules.

Tell her you've realised you have very different travel styles and neither of you would really enjoy the compromises needed for a trip together.

that's exactly it, it now feels like a shared project with a difficult client

very amusing summary OP! but don’t do it unless you’re getting paid. Even then, No! 🚫⛔️🙈

My bestie invited her mate to come away with us last summer. Never again! If you have any doubts don’t do it! Much easier to fall out in this country than abroad :-)
She was a prissy, attention seeking and a downright pain in the arise!!

You’re about to go into a protection programme?

You have to attend a MayDay parade in Prague?

You're communing with aliens?

At this stage maybe I should bring having a baby forward 😂

@notsohappyholidays stop it Mildred!

If she breaks budgets on one hotel, then fine but it needs to be then an underspend in another? I do stuff like upgrade in places where hotels are cheap - so on recent Asia trip - hotels in Tokyo and Hong Kong were the most basic room in a nice place - £175per night. But the one in Shanghai, that was a good marriott but only £60. So i did upgrade to the deluxe room for £70. Osaka was £100 so i went £120 for the sky level/50th floor room.

Or you stick to - i have £xxxx to spend and no more.

It must then be clear you can't go together.

Doris, I know we've often talked and planned about doing this and fate has intervened a couple of times to stop us from booking and paying for it. It's given me time to think that we have different outlooks and would not get along. As it's a huge expenditure I am not going to waste my money on something that isn't going to bring me joy.

I have enjoyed talking about the different places we would love to visit and I hope you still get to go, but it won't be with me.

You’ve had some good advice, OP, you can definitely phrase it that you’ve got different priorities, etc.

I also have a close friend who I’d prefer not to go on holiday with. We’ve been on a couple of long weekends in a group and her holiday priorities are so different to mine. She was hinting about visiting Spain together recently…I had to deflect quickly as it would be a disaster!

Say you’ve DECIDED you want to travel and “do your own thing”’now but happy to meet up for a few days at such and such an X place. If you’re genuine friends that will be nice.

PS. I doubt she would agree to this though as it’s too outside her “control”

Unfortunately I've tried the "I have £XXXX to spend and no more" and it doesn't work.

I wish I could explain further but it really is too outing...but essentially in that example it was £40 each extra per night, for 10 nights, just so that there would be this one extra item in the room that made her feel comfortable.

It's just not going to work, we can't travel together.

About ten years ago I shared a hostel dorm with a young Canadian woman who was three weeks into a long-planned year long trip with her friend. Who she had just permanently ditched (or they'd mutually ditched each other) because they turned out to not remotely work as travel buddies. She was SO relieved to be now doing her own thing. But the previous few days had been pretty traumatic.

So yes, don't end up being that person. Bite the bullet now.

But firm boundaries. Always firm boundaries. And get-out clauses wherever possible 🤩 .

Seriously, when you’re visiting new interesting places, countries etc, there is nothing worse than being dragged down by an annoying travelling companion. It can destroy the whole experience.

The voices in your head told you not to go?

😆 Understated, effective, requires no further discussion let’s say …

Luv it.

I'm experiencing vicarious palpable relief that you realised this was a no before you went. 🤣🤣
You could never, and never should be, 'grateful' for a holiday with the wrong travel companion, it's just expensive torture and a total waste, the disappointment would be epic.
You've had some great options for what to say to her here though.

I felt for you because I've recently been through similar but it was a work project not a holiday. Premature curtailment and none of the desired outcome, I also think my friend doesn't realise there is some spectrum factors at play.
I'm wondering wether I can talk to her about that but only if I can find a good supportive way to do it, and I wouldn't even consider attempting it were it not for the fact that she frequently suffers relationship problems and it is distressing for her, I'd love to see her increase her ability to avoid these painful issues.

Sympathies. I’ve been on many holidays with a friend over the years and as time has gone on, it’s become increasingly difficult for me to enjoy them. It was fine when I was younger, when it wasn’t, but you put up with this stuff more. She always wants to do things on the cheap, eat at certain restaurants and dictate what we do and I cba anymore. Luckily we have children now so that’s an easy out.

She clearly has her own ideas for her holiday but doesn't want to go on her own.

You also say she has hardly any friends. So she's using you to prop her up.

There's no point , at all, in sacrificing your needs , wants or money to enable her.

Just tell her 'no.'
Or that you can no longer afford it as your circumstances have changed.

Don't go.

I knew a friend of mine was a bit of a bore but we wanted to visit another friend who'd moved far away and it made sense to go together.

Problem one - everything had to be at least business class or better "because it saves money". So a flight might be £200 and business class £500 but because that means you also get a lounge and parking which would cost your £50 that's better value. Seriously! Can't see that some people spend less for a reason - and obviously if you tell him there's a reason it's not a good one as it's not going to save you money!!!

Problem two - conversation was impossible. After half an hour he'd go on his tablet and play solitaire. Boring! I'd never had to talk with him for more than during a lunch or similar and had never spotted this.

Problem three - he didn't want to do anything. Had no ideas, couldn't walk far. I'm a bit of a whirlwind on holiday - find out where to go, get my walking shoes on and start stomping off into the great whatever. Nope. No markets. No galleries. No just wandering streets. Boring!!!!!

I agree that you shouldn't go. It's far too expensive to be an exercise in tolerance...which you would fail, as would anyone.
She'd drive you mad. The friendship would not recover and your experience would be completely diminished.

Another option, OP, is to make it sound as though you will ruin the trip so you're doing her a massive favour by pulling out:
"Marjorie, now you've shared your plans and ideas, I just know I'll be a total nightmare to travel with and I'd hate to spoil it for you." Sad face optional.

@notsohappyholidays tell your friend that now you are thinking about having a baby your priorities have changed greatly. You want a holiday seeing many different places, only staying for a day or two in each location on a very strict budget with no upgrades. You want different things from a trip. Also, you really need to work on becoming more assertive before you have a child!

Love the addition of Pip pip to this!!

This.

I'd say something along the lines of your priorities and ideas of a holiday/trip has changed and you can't commit to it anymore. Perhaps the fact that it's falen through twice means it's not feasible or likely to happen.

Also tell her that you are telling her straightaway so she can find someone else to go with. Perhaps if it works out, you could meet her for a few days at a destination but you're not up for the whole project.