How to tactfully explain to friend I'll never go on holiday with her

[notsohappyholidays]

For a while now my friend and I have been planning a major holiday involving long haul travel and multiple countries (just for info, we have no kids yet)

I had to delay the holiday once due to a major change in my financial circumstances. Nothing had actually been booked, and I gave a year's notice. I thought she'd be understanding, but she was actually really cold about it and tried to pressure me into doing some of it instead of all of it. I managed to get through to her that I really couldn't afford it, but felt a bit resentful that she wasn't understanding.

We recently finally started properly planning the holiday and I've discovered she's actually secretly a massive control freak, and has lots of bizarre rules. I can't say too much because it's outing, but sample example, we must stay no less than 10 days in each location.

Just when we were about to start putting cash down on bookings, she postponed the holiday because of an unexpected change in her circumstances (the irony!)

I know this is just a temporary reprieve and the holiday chat will start up again soon. How do I tell her tactfully that we have different ideas about what makes a good holiday? I love her but I feel like I've dodged a bullet and never want to travel with her ever again. I feel guilty because I'm her only good friend (I guess now I know why)

There's only one thing for it - you're going to have to fake your own death. Bonus points if you do it on the actual holiday. Simply disappear into the sea leg it off down the beach and start your own holiday from there.

I've got nothing to add to the very good advice you've already been given. (Clearly you mustn't go on the holiday, well done for realising before paying)

...but I'm following with shameless curiosity about how the friend reacts to your announcement

Sorry @SunflowerTed but that is one of the funniest typo's i have ever read! All I can imagine in my head is "Arise Sir Launcelot"

Work out exactly what and why is different about the holiday you want and then tell her with the proviso that you value her friendship too much to risk it on this

Tell her something casual. I don't want to let you down but I won't be able to go with you.
Is she a freak because is a control freak of is she a freak because is so giddy that in her mind everything is been planned several times?
Sometimes people got anxiety and freak out when something they really want is finally going to happen. Like a kid on Christmas eve.

“To be honest it feels as if we have missed the moment with this one. And the longer it has gone on, and the more we have discussed it, the more I feel we might not be on the same page about how we like things to be when travelling. Let’s stick to cocktails and pizzas for now”

I think that it’s taken so long for it to come to fruition that it’s reasonable to have now changed your mind.
“So much time has passed since we originally said we would go away that it isn’t what I want anymore. I’ve come to realise that what we each want from travelling are two completely different things- I don’t think either of us is going to get fulfilment from it and it’s such a lot of money to spend that I really want to make sure I get the most out of the trip. Sorry and I really hope you still go on your trip of a lifetime- I honestly think you’ll get the most out of it if you go by yourself.”

OK, so you're a people pleaser Op but even so, is the choice between saying NO and spending thousands of £'s on a holiday you'll hate really that hard? If your friend wants everything planned to the last detail as soon as anything goes wrong the whole thing will be a disaster. Just tell her not happening, very sorry but No. You can do this @notsohappyholidays , I have faith in you 😄

I had this conversation recently with my sister.

I love you and I don't want to fall out with you. We travel in very different ways and we'd end up killing each other.

I couldn't travel the way you enjoy and you couldn't travel the way I enjoy. That's not relaxing on holiday.

Heck, we're having disagreements on this day trip about doing things differently. You've already annoyed me 3 times in the last hour with your bizarre requests that you think are normal. I've bitten my tongue about them, but there's absolutely no way I am paying a fortune for the holiday of a lifetime, knowing I will end up just wanting to go home as I'll be fed up of trying to do things your way and you'll be as stressed as anything trying to do things my way and then getting uptight or nervous. No. Nada. Not happening.

Now what do you want, wine or beer?

You've got the wonderful opportunity now to say
"It looks like we're not going to be able to make this trip work. It seemed like a great idea when we first started thinking about it all those years ago, but life moves on and we should just accept it isn't going to happen"
Then
(if you want to)
"We could just go for 10 days in X next year if you want to?"
(or if you don't)
"I hope, if you still want to do a trip like this, you can find someone who can commit to it".

There's some great Solo Women Travellers pages on FB OP.

Let that be an inspiration to you.

I always travel solo. Can do what I want, when I want, if I want. Have had amazing adventures and met lovely people, some of whom I'm still in touch with.

Friends are for home turf.

I actually met the father of my son travelling, but that's another story...... 😅

This. Just come up with some batshit rules of your own and refuse to compromise.

This or @BoudiccaOfSuburbia response are both good. Factual but not unkind.
It is hard going on holiday with friends. I love my best friend dearly but I will never be in arrangement where we need to share the cost of a room of any description again. I suspect she feels the same way .

Say something in person along the lines of 'look, you mean a great deal to me and I was really hoping to get this trip off the ground but as time has gone on its become clear that we have different priorities when travelling and I really don't want to clash when abroad. Some examples are... These are all fine but the list has grown and I would prefer to plan our own trips rather than risk the friendship. I'd be more than happy to do a weekend or day trip with you (if that's true) but let's call a raincheck on the big joint trip'.

Give real examples, make clear you're not just pulling out, its because of her stipulations but stick to your guns even if she withdraws the rules. She has shown how it will be. Be kind, good humoured and clear that this isn't the end of your friendship, just the trip. Don't get into a text row, wait til you're together or at least on the phone.

I think it’s fair to say that you’ve realised you both want different things out of a holiday and it’s not fair to expect the other one to compromise, especially for a long and expensive trip. I had this with a couple of friends years ago, when we started planning a trip to the USA together. I wanted to see all the sights, but they wanted to spend the holiday on a ranch, chilling out with horses. In the end, I agreed that was not what I wanted to do for two weeks and would have been bored and frustrated. They went ahead and had a lovely time, but it wouldn’t have been my thing so I decided to pass. No problem, no drama, we stayed friends and just didn’t go on holiday together.

This.

And do it asap so it's a weight off your mind.

Hopefully that will be it, no discussion.

But do be prepared for a bit of blowback/negotiation/reasons why you're wrong.

Just repeat you can't do it, don't put any money down.

Having the confidence and resilience to travel solo is hard (especially for single women).

So she may not be able to get anyone else, blame you for ruining "her" idea especially if she's used to getting her own way and being dominant.

Keep repeating it's not your problem (it isn't) and mute her messages or delay replying if she makes too much noise. Don't bargain or accept any criticism, just grey rock.

I have an (ex) friend (in my 20s) who was very much like this, had to get her own way on everything!

Its a shame as of course it's nice if single women can be social allies, but I don't think anyone wanted to do things with her 1-1 after a while.

I didn't really like being told what I was meant to enjoy and be interested in, or be the emotional punchbag for any social anxieties she had.

She went on a dream world tour holiday with her parents eventually, and ended up posting on social media about how exasperating and difficult her dad was as he insisted on getting his own way all the time.

There are holiday/tour companies that do group things everywhere that people can go on as singles and have a whale of a time. Smallish minibus sized groups.

Thank goodness for her unexpected delay and the fact you haven't put any cash down - time to have that honest chat and walk away. You would have the worst time on this holiday if you already feel like this pre-booking and would be so resentful, as it sounds a very special trip. Go on your own or hold out for someone more compatible!

I think you've got it in one. It's her holiday, I'm just an accessory so she's not alone.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. I'm going to wait until she next brings the holiday up (as some pps have noted, it's possible she may never bring it up) and then have an in-person heart to heart using some of the lines mentioned here.

I was planning a holiday with a friend once and it became increasingly clear that we wanted different things, for example she wanted to spend the time shopping and I wanted to go sightseeing. In the end I said ‘Let’s just leave it, shall we?’ Friend wasn’t pleased but I actually don’t think she realised how different my expectations of a holiday were from hers.

You've let this drag on far too long op. Just be direct. It's obviously going to be the holiday from hell if you go!

This, I'd say something like this. I adore my friends but I wouldn't go on holiday with them either as we're just quite different in that regard. An evening out together?- we get on like a house on fire, an entire week living with each other?- no, we'd end up arguing. Going on holiday requires similar expectations to have a good time and if one of you enjoys going out and about and the other just wants to laze by the pool it's going to be awful and you'll end up doing separate activities anyway in which case, you may as well go on your own.

What on earth is this one key thing she needs in a hotel room that she wants you to pay an extra £40 a night for, for ten nights???

I think you need to be honest with her . I am going to have to do the same . A longstanding friend and I have always talked of a big holiday in a couple of years to a place we really want to go to but every time I see her now she gets snappier and snappier and I'm not spending a fortune on a trip to tread on eggshells or don't speak incase I say the wrong thing .
Just be honest , you'll feel better and the sooner she knows the sooner she can make other arrangements.