How to tactfully explain to friend I'll never go on holiday with her

[notsohappyholidays]

For a while now my friend and I have been planning a major holiday involving long haul travel and multiple countries (just for info, we have no kids yet)

I had to delay the holiday once due to a major change in my financial circumstances. Nothing had actually been booked, and I gave a year's notice. I thought she'd be understanding, but she was actually really cold about it and tried to pressure me into doing some of it instead of all of it. I managed to get through to her that I really couldn't afford it, but felt a bit resentful that she wasn't understanding.

We recently finally started properly planning the holiday and I've discovered she's actually secretly a massive control freak, and has lots of bizarre rules. I can't say too much because it's outing, but sample example, we must stay no less than 10 days in each location.

Just when we were about to start putting cash down on bookings, she postponed the holiday because of an unexpected change in her circumstances (the irony!)

I know this is just a temporary reprieve and the holiday chat will start up again soon. How do I tell her tactfully that we have different ideas about what makes a good holiday? I love her but I feel like I've dodged a bullet and never want to travel with her ever again. I feel guilty because I'm her only good friend (I guess now I know why)

You're right 🤣
I did read the op and then moved on to other threads and everything muddled

Oh no, you absolutely must tell her that her idea of a holiday and all the rules are incompatible with yours. You can’t spend thousands on a 4 week break that’s all geared towards your friend.
My 30th Birthday myself & two other friends booked to visit another friend in the Middle East and one friend that came didn’t want to do anything the rest of us did, turned out she didn’t really like the beach or water and when we suggested a desert safari she said, oh no, I hate Camels 😆. She was difficult in restaurants.
A couple of days in we ended up dropping her at a gallery whilst we went to the beach.
luckily it was only a five nights, but I’d never go anywhere with her again.

I am the ultimate people-pleaser, so I think I would say something next time she brings it up along the lines of: "Friend, I've been thinking a lot about our holiday and I reckon I would drive you mad- I like doing X, Y, Z and you clearly don't- you'd find me so annoying- for example I really want to [insert activity/habit you know she would hate] and I'd feel bad putting you through out. I really love you as a friend and I think this might not be good for our relationship. Let's go for a weekend to Bognor instead"

And hope it has the intended effect!

Haha that is brilliantly bonkers.

Tbh from a selfish point of view I'd love you to go on the holiday and feed back. It would be comedy gold and probably keep aibu going for a month on its own.

Even better if you changed it and did make it a uk only trip -i can imagine it now "my friend says we have to stay at least a week to fully experience everything Milton Keynes has to offer...AIBU to think this is excessive and we should move on to Peterborough after a few days?"

Just say no ASAP and relax!

I do ok but one thing I do slightly regret when younger is paying out lots to do things which (on balance) I didn't really 100% enjoy, or the people I was interacting with weren't that nice!

Realistically, after certain periods of time or life stages, most friends detach or drift away anyway.

So I was spending on things which I wasn't enjoying to keep ties with people I would have lost touch with either way.

There's nothing wrong with not having "girly holidays" or a "girl gang". Many people don't and just have their partner and family.

That money could have been going into a compound interest savings account and either been helping my future or financing regular trips of my choice right now, or improving my standard of living in other ways.

Not to mention all the time and emotional energy in organising and dealing with difficult people.

Looking back, if something comes up on an ad hoc basis and it looks super easy it might be worth a go. But often these things can be very diminishing returns.

I have a friend I will never go on holiday with. She's overly social, loves to walk miles and penny pinches every single detail. I just told her straight up I don't wanna do that. I want to sit in one spot burning every inch of my body, and drinking cocktails till I throw up. She never asks me now 🤣🤣

Why can't you just tell her that you don't want to go and do those things? If you can't tell your friend what you like and what you want to do are you even really friends?

I went away for 10 nights with a friend. By night 4 I was looking at flights home. My family convinced me to ride it out.

She wanted to go out drinking every night which I found bizarre as she didn't drink at home. She became this outrageous flirt with waiters and men in general. It was so cringey.

A couple of days before we came home she made some comments about things that didn't sit well with me. And these comments weren't in context with things we were talking about. Almost like she was baiting me. I realised a couple of things that had happened on the holiday had been her doing and not accidental. I saw her in a whole new light and realised why she didn't have any other friends.

I pretended to sleep on the flight home. We got separate taxis from the airport as we lived in different towns. I have not said 1 word to her since getting off that plane 2 years ago.

Do not go on that holiday. It will be hell on earth!

How long have you been friends? Are you wanting to get out of the holiday or the friendship too?

Many, many years. To be honest, yes sometimes I do think about ending the friendship. There are things that make me go when we meet up or chat, but she is a good person and it's managable when it's just those small doses (and over time I think I've learnt that if you're going to be friends with someone, you commit to loving all of them, as we all have faults. I think I used to give up on friendships too easily). A long-haul trip is just going too far though. I'm aware this could end the friendship.

I think it's very different going on holiday with someone than it is being friends with them. I struggle being away with DH sometimes if it's longer than a city break !

Ok, the only thing I can suggest is maybe you book a weekend away in the uk to see if you can manage that and to also placate her slightly.

Holidays with friends can be a minefield. You do need to have a conversation with her but it’s not an easy one.

I went away last year with a friend and we had a good time but she drove me insane. We made plans to do a couple of trips and both mornings she faffed about so much we missed the coach.

Every conversation we had about what we fancied doing she totally ignored (saying she couldn’t remember) and got arsey and restless about me sunbathing - this was the Greece in late June! She spent all day sitting in the shade on her phone moaning to people back home it was too hot and she was bored as there was nothing to do - well there were several trips if she’d managed to get the coach!!

It’s been nearly a year now and we’ve barely spoken since then. A holiday definitely makes or breaks a friendship.

Though on positive side I’ve been away other other friends last couple of years (1 three times the other twice) and everything was great with them

I've been on three bigs trips with female friends and one with my mum.

They ranged from the best thing that ever happened and I'm lifelong friends, to dumping one in the first safe place I could find (part of a year travelling). There's Aasen Arabic proverb I love, "choose the companion before the journey and the neighbour before the house".

No idea where Aasen came from! An Arabic.

Even within families people have differing ideas of their preferences on holiday. If I had my way I'd never see the inside of a waterpark again, but DS adores them so hey, we book a few days worth in the holiday and a few boat trips for me and everyone's happy. Compromise is key. I won't even do a weekend away with anyone incapable of compromise no matter how much I love them.

You mentioned a baby at some point in the future... This should be foremost in your mind that any holidays you'll have after that baby until they have flown the coop will be VERY different to a multi-stop long haul month long trip - so if this is possibly your last chance to have that, FFS make it count. Plan it with someone who aligns with your preferences and make it the trip of a lifetime - for the right reasons!

I think tactful honesty. No made up work scenarios because there's a chance she will smell the lie and feel even more hurt.

"Friend, I've been looking forward to this trip with you for a long time. However, the more detail we go into with planning, the more I think our holiday wants and needs may not be compatible. The issues with money, length of stays etc... we have such different ideas of how to do that that I think at least one of us will be disappointed at every turn, however we do it. It's so much time and money to spend on a disappointing trip, and I don't want that for either of us. I don't want to risk a falling out either - our friendship is worth more than a holiday. I'm really sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear but I don't think the trip is a good idea anymore so I'm pulling out".

I actually did this holiday in my twenties and it was hell. I had no idea she was such a control freak.

The whole holiday I felt like I was constantly getting 'in trouble': for not wanting to stick to the minute-by-minute schedule she sprung on me on the first day, for not 'appreciating' the effort she'd put in, for not helping her have the picture perfect trip she could splash all over social media.

I said to my partner recently that I wanted to visit all the places again because I didn't get to enjoy them the first time around - and that this time I'd be going alone. 😂

I accidentally got swept up in the excitement of holiday talk with my 2 best friends once, and we agreed to book a holiday (luckily just a short one) to a particular destination that when I actually had chance to think rationally later on, I realised was my worst nightmare destination. Luckily we didn't book anything straight away, we had only agreed to save for the year after. The topic kept coming up in conversation and I was a bit panicked trying to think how to get out of it, or just hope that it would magically go away.

In the end I just had to be honest as it was getting to hard to dodge the conversation. I just said to my friend that on further thought I don't really like the idea of going to X, it's not my cup of tea at all and I can't justify spending the money on it, I'm really sorry but I think I just got caught up in the excitement at the time. She was fine about it (or at least she was as far as she let on to me) and it never came up again. Since then both friends have done other exciting holidays and no bad feeling exists. I'm just so glad I did speak up, tell the truth so I didn't have the stress of maintaining a lie, and didn't have to waste a shed load of money going to somewhere I think looks truly awful.

I said "I'm going to Umbria, to visit the Romanesque churches, in the hill towns"
My friend said "that sounds lovely, I would like to come too"

On arrival she said that hill towns are Hilly and she doesn't want to walk up them and churches are boring. To keep the peace I agreed to skip Assisi. When we got home we never spoke again. Two months later Assisi had an earthquake that spoilt those frescos.
Over 20 years later I still resent that ex-friend.

Holiday with someone compatible.

Or, alternatively, as I did when inter railing, holiday with someone you don't mind losing as a friend.

I’m outraged on your behalf!!! I mean, you were perfectly clear on your plans. Or did she think ‘visiting Romanesque churches in Umbrian hill towns’ was code for some entirely different type of holiday?

I’d have been your perfect holiday companion — I’ve worn out DH on frescoes in various Italian regions…

I once went away with BF at the time bosses DW. We were friendly with the couple and as she managed a travel agency she "treated" one person a year to a holiday with her - which I paid my fair share for I might add. I should have realised that the fact the travel companion differed every year and it was generally someone 20 years younger than her was a big old red flag.

Well we got there and it turned out she snored like a trooper. Fine there was a sofa bed in the living room so I decamped to that. She got up super early and smoked more or less in my face, which was fun and to be fair smoking was more widely accepted those days.

Then she refused to leave the poolside. Didn't like sand apparently and was unable to go for any walks because of unsuitable footwear/ aches and pains ( she was in her 40s). What she did like to do was to get chatting to other holidaymakers and spend all evening in the bar.

It was hideous and taught me a lot about holidaying with others. I find it easier to go in a small group or if not, don't share a room with your solo companion as it's just too much togetherness.

I've just been to Birmingham, one night was enough. The traffic system is bats, we went everywhere by taxi because we couldn't get from place to place across multi-lane roads, flyovers and tunnels otherwise. Cost us a fortune.

I would just be honest with her really. It's clear from reading your post that, although you are good friends, you are unlikely to be compatible on holidays together.

Why don't you have separate holidays on your own/with other people and agree to meet up afterwards to exchange stories/photos.