How to tactfully explain to friend I'll never go on holiday with her

[notsohappyholidays]

For a while now my friend and I have been planning a major holiday involving long haul travel and multiple countries (just for info, we have no kids yet)

I had to delay the holiday once due to a major change in my financial circumstances. Nothing had actually been booked, and I gave a year's notice. I thought she'd be understanding, but she was actually really cold about it and tried to pressure me into doing some of it instead of all of it. I managed to get through to her that I really couldn't afford it, but felt a bit resentful that she wasn't understanding.

We recently finally started properly planning the holiday and I've discovered she's actually secretly a massive control freak, and has lots of bizarre rules. I can't say too much because it's outing, but sample example, we must stay no less than 10 days in each location.

Just when we were about to start putting cash down on bookings, she postponed the holiday because of an unexpected change in her circumstances (the irony!)

I know this is just a temporary reprieve and the holiday chat will start up again soon. How do I tell her tactfully that we have different ideas about what makes a good holiday? I love her but I feel like I've dodged a bullet and never want to travel with her ever again. I feel guilty because I'm her only good friend (I guess now I know why)

I'd say, " I'm really sorry but I just don't fancy going now. It's not my kind of holiday."

My SIL has 1,000 rules for her and her husband's life. We meet up for day trips with her with another BIL and his wife every few weeks. That's manageable because we all just ignore her rules. We have had longer weekend trips in the past. Only ever in hotels so we all have space in a neutral location. BIL and his wife are lovely. They have stayed in cottages / apartments with this SIL. She expects to impose all her 'at home' rules on anyone she is sharing a house with. E.g what food is acceptable for breakfast. When the kitchen is open/ closed. You cannot leave the table unless you have emptied your plate. You cannot have a pudding unless you have emptied your evening meal plate. There is no way on earth I would go on a proper holiday with her or share a small space with her.

I truly wish I could go into more detail about the list of "rules".

To give a made up example, it's like "we have to pay extra so there's a desk to prop my laptop on so we can watch movies at night, even though there's already a TV in the room"

That's fine that she wants something like that, but I'm not shelling out £400 extra for it!

Forgot the key point . SIL is autistic. She needs her rules to protect her and to help her feel safe. That's fine but I am not going to put myself through the consequences of that on a longer trip. If you think your friend is on the spectrum she will likely be doing the same thing for the same reason. That's absolutely fine but you are not obliged to have a holiday with her or to be impacted by her rules.

OP I have a friend like this. One minute the holiday was too expensive and the next the “no view” rooms we booked within her budget were not good enough and she was upgrading hers and we were stuck in the no view 😂the whole break carried on in a similar vein.
the friendship survived but only just and this was a long weekend… don’t do it!

That's really interesting about SIL and yes rings a lot of bells. If it's not too intrusive, how does SIL cope when everyone just goes about their business as normal?

With SIL in mind, do you think it would be better if I told my friend work won't give me a big chunk of time off at the moment, but we can go on a mini break instead.

I was going to say that she does sound very similar to my friend who is on the spectrum! Sounds like your friend has perhaps got used to her needs being met and perhaps will only think about your needs if you very bluntly and clearly state them. That’s what I’ve learnt - (in my experience) my friend with autism rarely asks what my needs or preferences are as she expects me to tell her (because that’s what she would do).

Not the person you’re replying to but imo no, your friend will probably bring up the longer holiday fairly quickly after the mini break. It’s probably better to be kindly truthful. Don’t let the threat of this long holiday you don’t want to go on keep hanging over you! Best of luck x

I wouldn't raise it. If she does I'd say

I'm sorry but I can't go . I'm in a different place now and not looking to book that type of holiday

Now that is utterly insane.

I've never been a people pleaser and just can't imagine wasting my holiday time with people I don't want to be with! Can you give them some assertive phrases to use?

Doris, I think we have very different ideas of what constitutes a holiday, and the one we’ve been planning has got completely out of control. It’s not feasible or realistic for me to commit to that long or for that cost. I do hope you get to go, but I can’t be your travel buddy.

The nicest way I could phrase it is that she seems to have a clear vision of the trip she wants and that's great but her vision is different to yours and you are going to plan the holiday you want.
This sounds kind, tactful and firm
Years ago I went on a boating holiday with my then-flatmates, should have been great, we all got on in the house: it was a bloody nightmare! Go with your gut OP!

Why not be honest about what you want from a holiday. Tell her how long you want to spend in different locations and other things so that it shapes ip to be a holiday you’d like. If there’s resistance then talk to her about you both wanting different types of holiday.

I actually wouldn't. Even if she pulls back on the rules and regs she's shown you how it will be. Bow out nicely now.

we must stay no less than 10 days in each location.

How long is this holidays if there are multiple locations with minimum 10 day stays?

I completely understand this, and that's one of the reasons why I just don't do stuff with her anymore.

My favourite example is that for years and years, whenever we would go into town for the day and wanted lunch, we would go to Nando's. I can't remember how it started but it became a little tradition. Every time we went to town we would still ask her if she was happy with Nando's or if she'd like to go somewhere else as there were lots of options and it would always be "oh no, let's go to Nando's!" Literally a decade of this. And then one day we were having a random conversation where she said that she doesn't like eating chicken and she never has! I genuinely don't know who she is, or what she likes or dislikes and after years of trying I've given up with it.

The neighbours are close friends and they don't want to lose the friendship. I've tried to reason with my parents but they are just resigned to it now! They are retired and go on 3-4 holidays a year and have managed to limit it to only once a year with the neighbours so it's not quite as bad as it sounds. Even so, I wish they had been more assertive at the beginning!

Do you actually want to go on a mini break with this friend?

Granted it won't be as annoying as it's for a shorter time, but you're still spending time and money on a holiday that sounds like it would be anything but.

We’re going for four weeks. For context in this specific case it’s like we’re doing a tour of the UK and she says we have to stay for at least 10 days in Birmingham. Everyone knows 4-5 days max is enough. And Birmingham was her pick.

No, you’re right, I really don’t.

So something like you can have a nice hotel for £70 a night that ticks all boxes but she wants one that has a mini fridge so you can make tea with fresh milk in the morning and have a cold glass of wine in the room - the cheapest hotel with a mini fridge that meets all the other criteria is £110 so an extra £400 over the ten days you HAVE to stay there, all for a tea with fresh milk while youre thinking "but there's a Wetherspoons down the road you can have a refillable tea for £1.50! And I don't even like hot drinks!"

Basically OP i think you just have to tell her straight that you don't want to go on the holiday. Or at least make up a very good white lie - been offered a promotion which means you can't take extended leave for at least a year? Doing a qualification that requires weekly attendance?

Offering a mini break when she wants a long trip isn't going to placate her and you don't want that either. Being vague around "it just seems we want different things" will just result in her making promises that she will be more relaxed which she will then break as soon as you're there.

Honestly she probably will be disappointed that you are cancelling something you both agreed to and likely will feel you are letting her down but all you can do is stick to your guns. Worst case scenario you lose the friendship but I think it is hugely unlikely if you went on the holiday you'd still be friends by the end of it given everything you've said, so at least you won't be thousands of pound down and miss out on the stress!

You'll spend month traveling the UK and in that time visit 3 cities? 😅 so Birmingham and what else?
4-5 days in a single uk city is already being generous. Unless you do hiking, daytrips, spa, cabin or something. Like does she actually want to spend 10 days in Birmingham city centre?
But 4 weeks you could do so much and visit such cool places. Anyways, sounds like you're not travel compatible. Maybe pick a long weekend to do together somewhere.

OP clearly said its LIKE they're doing a tour of the UK (as an example) and the actual trip involves "long haul travel and multiple countries"

They're not actually going to Birmingham

The UK was an example. She says at the start of her first post it involves multiple countries and long-haul travel.

@easylikeasundaymorn Yes, that’s an excellent example. Except think even weirder. Like the £70 hotel provides little cartons of long life milk, but she is scared of long life milk!