Starting over in your thirties

[justfindingmyway]

Hi everyone,

I was hoping people might share their experiences and stories about ‘starting again’ in their thirties? I am breaking down an emotionally abusive relationship piece by piece, but definitely think I’m in one of these trauma bonds, and the abuser can also be kind, caring and thoughtful (although isn’t this all negated by the abuse?).

Anyway, truth be told, i know I should be excited to eventually get out, but I’m very doubtful and frightened, and I know very well I’ll pine for his ‘nice side’. I was just hoping to hear some inspirational stories. And any tips to help my mind recover from this and to alleviate my ‘need’ for him mentally.

Even now, all I want is comfort from him. Is this part of the abuse, or am I broken!

Thanks for taking the time x

I also met my husband to be online. As you said life is too short.

This is fab. Thank you for sharing. How did life look different for you once you became single? What did you do and what did you learn? So many questions! I think it’s really good to explore how life could be on my own. How could I feel, what could I discover. I will look into the link you kindly sent through

I'm obviously not that poster but I thought I'd answer your questions anyway!

I made a mind map about myself. Wrote down my values, interests, skills, strengths etc really focused on who I was as a person amd got to know myself again.

I included aspirational things to but in the present tense so "I do yoga weekly" even though I didn't! And then I made it happen.

The aspirational stuff I colour coded into short term, medium term and longer term goals. So stuff I could do right now, stuff I could do over the next few weeks and stuff that would be over the next few months.

I made all of it happen. Some things stuck and I still do, some things evolved over time and some things I realised weren't really me after all!

Thank you, this is helpful! I started looking at value work recently. Isn’t it crazy how we actually don’t think about who we are much day to day, in terms of how we want to live our lives and who we are at our core? It sounds like it should be obvious, but it really isn’t, and can get especially hazy if you have someone else berating you and making you feel like less of a person! This is something I will try to do for myself too!

Exactly. So much of 'us' gets lost in the day to day treadmill of life. That's why I wanted to recalibrate really when I became single in my late 30s. I wanted to be the person I wanted to he fully by the time I was 40 rather than still carrying baggage from the past!

Good luck x

We had an income disparity in the relationship so I was always worried about if I’d be able to pay my bills after leaving - it was challenging to start with but also pushed me to budget and earn more money.
I also realised how much I’d given up to be in a relationship. He wasn’t very social so I had a poor social life and never hosted, also because he never cared what the house looked like. I would dress down as he never joined me in any occasions you’d dress up for. Completely skipped culture as he wasn’t into it.
Now I realise that I like to have a nice dress and bag, go to the opera once a month and live in a small but clean and tasteful place, have friends around, and go on wine and cheese dates with men that like similar things. I’m growing so much more in all the ways and it’s great

Oh can I join you for the wine and cheese tasting 😁that sounds super!

finances are a bit of a concern for me. Honestly I don’t really know what a single person needs to earn to live comfortably now. I live quite close to London and want to stay this way for family support. But even in an area that’s a little more ‘lively’ than where I am in terms of crime and quality of living is still a minimum of £300k!

how have you found things financially now you are settled? Are you able to do the things you want to do? I have started to make a budget, but if I max out on my borrowings then I couldn’t really save at all! Or go on holiday

You should be really proud of yourself for that. Honestly I think it’s the most admirable thing and probably the biggest gift you can give yourself.

i fixate on the ‘what ifs’. What if I never meet anyone and do the family stuff? What if all the good guys at this age are taken? What if this situation isn’t as bad as I think? So very many what ifs in my brain that I just think and think, no breathing space to just BE, and then probably heal as a result

Hey, @justfindingmyway ive found your thread as I’m going through a very similar situation at the moment.
A year on, I just wanted to see how you’re doing? Xx

Hiya, thanks for getting in touch, and sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time. I know you mentioned your situation is similar; if you want to keep that private but think talking to someone who may have similar experiences could help, please do drop me a message, I’d be only too happy to listen and share.

I cannot say to you it has been a straight forward journey, and healing isn’t linear. But, I have learnt more about myself, and taken on more wisdom than I ever thought possible for this stage in life. I am still in the healing part of all of this, but to a much lesser extent than I was. I lived with the person who was causing me so much distress, our house that we jointly own is still being sold now. Since leaving the home (I now live with my parents whilst the house sells and I get back on my feet to find a new place), I can tell you there was instant relief for my body and mind (however you also grieve, so obviously that does take away from some relief). I have a far more peaceful life now, and I am living it for me, in the best way I know how. I’m able to be ‘selfish’ for the first time in my life, and I’m really looking forward to a stint of living alone. I know there are hard times where I’ll feel lonely, but I also know it’s something I personally need to do to unpack all of this, and to find ‘me’.

I don’t know if you are dealing with an abusive situation, but I do feel once you have that you become ‘touched’ by it, and you may never look at things in exactly the same way again. Likely, you’ll be wiser and more cautious. I think it’s about taking the time to ‘do you’ and I can honestly say that it is a wonderful opportunity for self growth.

do feel free to drop me a message. I have many things I could chat about with you but I don’t know your situation and I don’t want to waffle on about something that’s not relevant.

For info, I’m 35 now and still single, as I won’t settle again for something that makes me feel so anxious. In short, still figuring it out, but thriving rather than surviving!!!

That doesn't last long. The elation of freedom quickly overshadows any pining. A new home, a new beginning. It's wonderful. As for your age. You're a baby.

My one dearest wish, is that I can learn to become TRULY happy living alone and enjoying family and friends. I have work to do

If you put in the work, you will do. I've been single for 3 years, I'm early 30's.... I love it. Don't get me wrong, every once in a while if I've had a hard day, I like the thought if having a cuddle with someone... but that is it 🤣

I do think a lot of relationships are comprises and I'm not willing to compromise ever again.

I really am perfectly content with my own company. I could t imagine having man here and having to deal with anything about him

Love this for you. I am very admirable, and do think it is the peak of existence. I do look around and wonder just how many couples are truly happy, or whether it’s just easier to stay. Whatever tips you may have that helped you get there, please do share!! X

Just bringing this back alive to say, I hope you are all doing better now and life is kinder ❤️

I just found this thread. So interesting to read.

I left my ex about a year ago, only a few months after our wedding. He was a lying, abusive, manipulative addict...and a misogynist too. He hid so much of his true self and motivations from me for so long but his covert abuse was slowly wearing me down. Then something huge happened and it all came crashing down and I saw who he really was.

I wish I could say I left immediately, but it took me about six months. I read alot of books and listened to a lot of podcasts which helped break the trauma bond.

A year out, I can say I feel so relieved to be free of him. I rebuilt my life in many ways, new job, new friends, deeper connections with old friends and family, lots of work on myself examining why I ended up in such an awful dynamic. In other ways, I'm still healing and licking my wounds. I plan to focus on healing for a while longer.

Honestly, I do feel hopeless about future relationships. My ex has left me with a sense that all men are like this to some extent. Maybe I won't always feel like this?!

Hey :) I’m glad you potentially found some comfort in the post. At the time, I was desperately seeking some understanding from those who could relate to my experience, but ever since I have always hoped I could help others going through similar to feel less alone.

Just a heads up; you aren’t alone ❤️ I feel very similar to you right now.

Ive grown exponentially, and had a deep sense that this experience, whilst gut wrenching, has been one of the most (if not the most) eye opening experiences of my life. It helps us to identify perhaps why we have allowed certain behaviours into our lives, where we have work to do, and ultimately re-centres us to ourselves.

i feel the same as you regarding the future, and i also don’t have the answer, but i do feel that it is brighter as a result of making the very brave decisions that we have.

Sorry, a little waffle-y on my part, but I feel strongly about this, and find huge solace and comfort in speaking to others to both support and gain support.

keep doing you; the rest will figure itself out whichever way it goes. Life can be beautiful either way and we can remain open to the possibilities if we want to x