Starting over in your thirties

[justfindingmyway]

Hi everyone,

I was hoping people might share their experiences and stories about ‘starting again’ in their thirties? I am breaking down an emotionally abusive relationship piece by piece, but definitely think I’m in one of these trauma bonds, and the abuser can also be kind, caring and thoughtful (although isn’t this all negated by the abuse?).

Anyway, truth be told, i know I should be excited to eventually get out, but I’m very doubtful and frightened, and I know very well I’ll pine for his ‘nice side’. I was just hoping to hear some inspirational stories. And any tips to help my mind recover from this and to alleviate my ‘need’ for him mentally.

Even now, all I want is comfort from him. Is this part of the abuse, or am I broken!

Thanks for taking the time x

@Timetoheal4good

I relate. I dont expect anyone to understand. But i really did love him. With all my heart. I think thats the point. I loved him more than id ever loved someone. I also had no idea people were the way he is. I thought they had a beacon on their head. But its so gradual. I didnt want to give up and for a long time i couldnt see throufh the fog. Now i dont fancy him. Theres no passion. Its just an endless feeling of anxiety and disappointment. Yet he fools me every now and then pretending i mean the world to him. I guess ill never know if theres any real feelings there.

Thank you my lovely. Sending you well wishes and healing thoughts. And I am proud that you made the right decision for yourself, even though it must’ve been so uncomfortable at the beginning.

i know money cannot buy happiness, but this is also a factor. I hope i can stay at my mum’s for while longer to save without being judged xx

You are so right about this being a slow process. No one ever thinks they’ll be abused until it happens!

It’s so true what you say about teaching is this from a young age. I can honestly say I had no idea this was happening to me, until I was ‘in the thick of it’

It is the best time to leave! I left a marriage in my 30s and the sense of freedom was immense. We'd been together since our teens - and were very, very different people by then.

Being in your 30s means you don't take as much shit as you did as a teenager. You have a clearer idea of what you want in life. You are more educated, better looking, more switched on, more 'grown up'. You aren't desperate for a boyfriend like you were as a teenager - SO many advantages to actually starting again at that age.

I hope things work out well for you (all). Treat it as the start of an exciting adventure. You can do anything now. I remember picking my DC up from primary school and going on the beach, eating ice creams and it dawning on me that I could actually stay as long as we wanted. We could get fish and chips for tea. I didn't HAVE to go home and get tea on the table for a miserable sod who would simply making sniping comments about it.

I love this positive and hopeful comment. Thank you darling for sharing xxx life has to be SO much more than a man draining us emotionally. Even if I’ll be much poorer financially.

@justfindingmyway If it helps at all then I can tell you I got divorced at 32, with very small DC, met someone else 18 months later and we are now married, with DC who are all grown up. I am almost 60 and have had quarter of a century with a lovely partner and husband who brought my DC up as his own and is the nicest man I've ever met. All the DC are adults and happy and our life was so much better once out of an emotionally draining marriage. Financially tough, yes. But OMG worth it!

On the occasions where I've had to see ex DH (mostly family funerals now, tbh) I am massively grateful that I'm with someone who thinks I'm the most marvellous woman in the world - and not with the emotionally cold, nasty man I used to be married to.

It is genuinely the best thing I ever did in life.

Do you see that, if you ended it, every day would be that feeling of empowerment and you'd never have the crashing down to earth reality of feeling frustrated and confused by him again?

Don't worry about OLD at the moment or meeting someone else.

You might meet someone else or you might not but being single has got to he better than this? What are you afraid of? Being alone? Is this really better than that?

Fwiw, I ended my marriage when I was 37.

I've had the best years of life since in so many ways.

Like many others, my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

You are right, nothing could be worse than this right now xx

Five years of a relationship, a break-up, and then two years of my ex constantly changing his mind about whether he wanted to try again and whether he is actually in love with me or not has wrecked my soul. I’m mid 30s and starting afresh. The best thing for me right now is to be alone and to work on my happiness. I do still sadly feel that the second my ex would suggest he’d want to try again that I would go running towards him. I don’t know how to shake that off.

Sorry to hear you’re in this situation. Sounds v similar to me when I was 36. Relationship had been awful for about 4 years before I started to wake up. We went ‘on a break’ for about 6 months and went to relationship counselling. Don’t think the counselling did him any good, but it gave me the strength to end the relationship for good.

It was scary and I panicked about what my life would turn out like. Ended up living in a godforsaken rat infested house share. But I also felt empowered. For too long I had been dragged down by that selfish wet blanket of a man.

Anyway, started dating again. Met the most sensitive, caring man. Took a chance and moved in together after 3 months. Within 2 years we were married then had a beautiful baby. And we’re stronger than ever.

Good things can happen even if you think you’re never the lucky one.

I started again at 32. That first year I had nothing, but I felt so light and free. I was happy! I look back on it now as one of the best times of my life.

It took having some distance to understand just how bad things were and how emotionally manipulative my ex was. At the time I just knew I didn't want to marry or have kids with him.

The best advice I can give you is to start planning. What do you want your life to look like? I found a new job in a new city which gave me the catalyst I needed to move. I was lucky to have supportive family.

And then I just had to start rebuilding, I started some new activities, met some new friends and although it was scary at times I didn't regret it for a second. I think unlike you I was emotionally very over my relationship - I stayed for way too long. A new job gave me new opportunities that I didn't feel
I could pursue before.

The scariest thing for me was that I knew I wanted to be a mum but leaving opened up the possibility that that wouldn't ever happen. Fortunately I met my husband not that long after and we now have a nearly 1 year old.

I'm not going to say it was easy, being brave is hard, but it's so, so worth it. 30's is very young in the grand scheme of things! Good luck OP, you can do this xx

Sorry to hear your story, but it's amazing that you're finding the strength to get out of it.
I'm fortunate enough to have not dealt with an abusive relationship, but I can relate to the very much starting again in your 30s, by husband passed away when I was 35, so I had no choice but to start again. I wanted the company of someone but nothing serious so this is what I looked for, 6 years on the someone I met that didn't want anything serious has proposed to me, we're getting married very soon & we have a gorgeous 16 week old!
It's not as scary moving on as it seems.

This is exactly how I felt about father from my child especially 'all I want is comfort from him' I remember feeling that so clearly and a year on still do get that occasional feeling of wanting to share something or be connected to him but critically it's only occasionally- most of the time I am repulsed by him. Well done for realising what's going on. Do NOT have a baby with this man or you'll be in my boat I honestly think it's better to be a single mum by choice or not a mum at all than to have a baby with a narcissistic bully like I did.
When you're ready make a plan to leave, sort out finances and then block him it's the only way- what harms you can't heal you. You need to book a good counsellor to help you recover. And there are nicer men out there!

I eventually left my ex aged 33.It took years before this of going back and forth.I moved out of the family home into a rented house with our 3 children with no family support and whilst working full time.It has taken me 4 years since then to get to the point that I feel he no longer controls my life. But the trauma bond is the worst. Even after moving out I still caved in and let him back in twice. The last time was the start of 2022 and two years later I have no contact with him and have a non molestation order in place that has been extended for another 6 months and I feel I can breathe again.

It isn't easy breaking that bond and has made me question my sanity so many times! Two of our children are now no contact with him due to his actions with him and that breaks my heart they are going through this and the way he has treated them.

But despite everything and being 37 I would not change it for the world. I'm so happy and content just me and my kids without him in the picture. I spent years where you are and I wish I'd have done it so so much sooner!

I am dating someone who seems lovely but just taking it a day at a time and see where it goes. Honestly it's hard but you can get there and life is far too short. We are only here once so don't waste it!

Thank you so much for sharing!

recent events have shaken me up regarding motherhood, which makes it a lot scarier. I think I do want to have children one day. But for me it feels the most important is who I have them with! Perhaps more important than having them at all.

i have realised, if I have children with current partner, life could become so much more challenging, and that’s not fair on a child. They deserve two mentally healthy parents with good values.

i’m so happy for you in your new life! I wish I had more friends I could turn to who are single. I don’t have any tbh, my friends are amazing, but all married now and mostly with kids x

Thank you. So wise and true. Wonderful that you have your children, and they have you. You ought to be so proud of getting past that point to where you are now. You can’t ever question your strength again, what you did was huge, but you still did it, and it paid off. You’re happy!!!! That’s the best gift of all. Am a bit scared I may end up never having a family, that makes me wobble xx

Thank you. It’s so hard where I live with him, any engagement causes doubt in my mind or just more upset at an already really difficult time (I have other stuff going on alongside cancelling the wedding, life has served a sh*t sandwich, apologies for the analogy!).

I feel like I have no space to breathe right now. But I need to get through some hurdles first, then I can start really planning how to rip off the bandaid. I wish my feelings could be turned off, that’d make things a heck of a lot easier.

be happy and safe with your family, and I hope he leaves you alone xxx

Ohh, I’m sorry that you went through that at only 35. Life is so short, stories like this remind me it really is, short and precious! It sounds like life is going well for you, I’m glad to hear. How did you meet your new man? Xx

I am in the exact same boat. Trying to leave an emotionally abusive relationship and I know it is the right thing deep down. Something is holding me back right now so I'm taking my time as like another poster said you need to be sure you can go through with it as I've tried several times and never been sure enough to go through with it. But I'm getting there and I honestly can't wait for freedom! I totally understand how you feel and the little bits of doubt of starting over at this age but we still have our whole lives ahead of us! I'm also going to have to move back and save which I feel a lot of shame about but really no one elses judgement matters, friends and family who know the situation would just be glad you are out of the relationship. I think I'm finally at the point where I'd rather risk being "alone" and happy than continuing to live in a miserable cycle of abuse. We've got this 🩷

I started again at 30, new career, two small children and a pending divorce.
Fourteen years later I am thriving at work, two beautiful young adult daughters and am remarried with a home I could only dream of and a lifestyle I am very happy in. The first few years were hard but rewarding and I definitely don't regret it

Thanks for sharing. So happy for you. That just have been so tough at the time. When did you remarry? How did you meet your new partner?

Maybe not 100% what you are asking for but found this inspiring the other day, women that became single and against all odds really thrived financially: https://ca.news.yahoo.com/best-decision-ever-made-women-034602076.html

I became single in mid 30s - best decision ever. I focused on my own well-being, lived true to my own values and lifestyle choices, felt and looked better than ever, and dated much better/ more compatible men than ever before in my life, and started a new much better career. Not having the comforts of a relationship to fall back on really made me face reality and grow in confidence.

Life's really worked out and it can for you too. Might be a little different if you're in a rush to have kids but hey, overall it can be brilliant.

I remarried six years ago and we met online.
You have to really try things, push outside of your normal and give any opportunity in work or personal life a go. That's my advice and what I've tried to do. Live every day!