Moving out due to child’s behaviour?

[Betteroverhere]

My husband and I have two children. They are very young so I realise this may be jumping the gun but I’m being as honest as I can. My eldest child has a very poor relationship with me and I seem to be a massive trigger for him . He shouts, snatches, openly shows dislike and contempt for me - shouting get off me, get away, those sorts of things. I

I have just reached my peak with it and I’m upstairs in tears.

I think it might be best for everyone if I moved out. Not necessarily forever but I do feel it might be best if I wasn’t here all of the time. Has anyone ever done this?

[MILTOBE]

Please don't do this. Their behaviour isn't going to get better if they think you've abandoned them.

It would be far better for you and your children if you asked for help from your health visitor or GP tomorrow.

How old are the children? What causes them to get angry? Do you get on well with your partner? Is there any violence or arguments in that relationship?

[Betteroverhere]

Thanks. I know I won’t get anywhere with either, they won’t believe me. You can’t actually get an appointment with a GP anyway, the last times we’ve done this we’ve had to go private.

There is certainly no violence, very few arguments. My child just really dislikes me. I know sometimes we don’t get on with everyone but I obviously didn’t expect it to happen with my own child, but it has and I can’t live like this.

[GingerIsBest]

How old are your children? This actually sounds like post partum depression, even years later. I would actually advise help. GP to start. Or you could also try seeking parenting support and training.m

small children are hard.

[LIZS]

He may be like that with you as he knows you are a safe person to handle it, so won't reject him. Does he present with issues with others?

[IncognitoUsername]

How old are the children? Do they go to nursery or school? What does DH do when DS behaves like this?
I know that you are upset but I really doubt that they would be better off without you

[Betteroverhere]

They are hard. I really won’t get anywhere with the GP though, it’s just not going to happen.

I wish you could see a typical exchange with my child, you’d know he absolutely despises me. The problem is as much as I know logically I should rise above it, be the adult, I can’t help my feelings. Being spoken to like shit and everything I do try to do being ruined or rejected does mean I feel it even if I don’t outwardly show it. And I’m kind of just done. I almost felt it, it was like something severed and I just feel totally detached now. I know that’s awful but it’s done, it’s now it is.

[IncognitoUsername]

Does your DH know how you feel?

[Betteroverhere]

@IncognitoUsername

How old are the children? Do they go to nursery or school? What does DH do when DS behaves like this?
I know that you are upset but I really doubt that they would be better off without you

I’d take one with me. The one who hates me can stay with his dad. That’s what he wants and I do believe it would be best for everybody. It would mean he wouldn’t have to share his home with someone he hates and I won’t have to put up with this horrible behaviour.

I can’t afford it in the immediate future but I can start putting things in place. I just really hate him in return right now and we can’t share a home like that, we just can’t.

[Betteroverhere]

@LIZS

He may be like that with you as he knows you are a safe person to handle it, so won't reject him. Does he present with issues with others?

Ha I knew someone would say that. No - he really does just dislike me. I’m basically a walking piece of shit to him.

[Topjoe19]

How young are you talking here OP?

[Octavia64]

How old are they?

Toddlers going through the tantrum stage treat everyone like shit.

Teenagers similarly.

[bringmelaughter]

This is normal child behaviour. They push the person they feel most secure with.

As mentioned on this thread, it sounds like you need support. While GPs are busy, you will get an appointment just not necessarily immediately.

Why is the health visitor not an option? Even if they aren’t actively seeing you, you can request an appointment.

Do you have other people to support you?

[IncognitoUsername]

You need to talk to DH. How is he going to feel about you walking out and taking one child will you?

[BadHare]

How do you react/ respond when he says things like this?

[crew2022]

I honestly think you can change this if they are very young. Leaving would very likely make things worse in the long run.
It's tough but you need to be the adult here and make sure you have full support from your DH.
Try and get some reason to praise your dc in the day so manipulate and plan situations to bring out the best in them then be the one to praise. Try to really focus in on good behaviour and where possible distract from negative behaviour or ignore it.

[bombastix]

A very odd situation. What's your relationship with your husband like, btw?

[belge2]

I hear you OP. My children are older- youngest is18 and absolutely despises me. It is heartbreaking and I have done all I can to improve our relationship but it is broken. I have no answers. But I hope things will get better eventually. Don't leave. Get some therapy - both of you together. That is next on my list tbh. It hurts a lot. Try to ignore it, rise above it,

[PrettySenior]

It's probably just a phase. How old are your children?

[GingerIsBest]

the more you respond the more I am concerned for your mh. Why can’t you speak to a doctor?

what about parenting courses?

how old is this child?

what does your dh say?

[Betteroverhere]

@IncognitoUsername

You need to talk to DH. How is he going to feel about you walking out and taking one child will you?

I doubt he’ll be thrilled but please understand I am posting from a place of very black despair where frankly Dhs feelings are not really forefront in my mind, which I am sure is wrong but it is honest. I simply cannot live in my own home like this any longer. I just can’t.

@bringmelaughter trust me on this, you really do not get an appointment and I don’t want one anyway. I don’t believe anyone can help us: it really is as simple as the fact that one of my children loves one parent and hates the other and life is just as intolerable for him as it is for me I am sure.

[LIZS]

Your spin is that he actively dislikes you. It is rare that a small child does unless there is foundation. Perhaps a change of parenting style might work, ask your hv if they know of a supportive parenting group. You may not be able to control the behaviour and but can your reaction to it and hopefully he can be less angry and frustrated as a result. Does he go to nursery so you can get a break, is he the elder? Might he have any hearing, sight or communication difficulties?

[littlebitstuck2024]

It sounds like family therapy would help, I'm assuming the child isn't a toddler

[Betteroverhere]

@belge2

I hear you OP. My children are older- youngest is18 and absolutely despises me. It is heartbreaking and I have done all I can to improve our relationship but it is broken. I have no answers. But I hope things will get better eventually. Don't leave. Get some therapy - both of you together. That is next on my list tbh. It hurts a lot. Try to ignore it, rise above it,

Thanks for saying this. I feel as if people just don’t get it.

I am not his safe space; I’m his contemptuous space.

Anyway it doesn’t really matter. There’s not much that we can do. It may not translate particularly well but I am honestly an intelligent person and I’ve tried hard to put this right but it isn’t and that’s how it is. The issue is now deeper than the child hating me: those feelings are reciprocated, and that’s not healthy

[LittleSparklyStar]

How old is the child?

[Betteroverhere]

Three <waits for HE’S THREE>

Yeah, he’s three.

Three.

3.

Just repeating that in case any smartarse comes on with ‘he’s 3.’

I mean I don’t get the difference. If he treated everyone like it OK. But nope only me who gets screamed at, told to get away and so on.