Is it pathetic to unfriend family on social media because they make you feel triggered.

[Orangeblueberry]

I’ve got a family member who has done nothing wrong to me but having to look constantly at their perfect family photos is making me feel shit. I have de-friended them now but is that me being pathetic?

I’m trying to protect my mental health. I had a shitty childhood and a long abusive marriage (which I left a few years ago) and having to constantly look at their perfect life is really effecting me. My life has been hard and hard lessons have been learned. This other person (she is female) has never worked, her husband pays for everything, she is absolutely happy with this. She gets to stay at home all day whilst the kids are at school and crochet and bake cakes and I’m getting triggered seeing this on a daily basis. Like I said she hasn’t done anything to me personally I just can’t keep looking at it and thinking what crap luck I had, why me.

Never worked ? She might be happy but it could also be a gilded cage. No wonder the poor woman is always on crappy social media, she must be bored out her brain.

I'm sorry, but you're just indulging your jealousy here. You seem to respond positively to posters that belittle this person - "bland, no substance, needy". Like she's somehow " less than" because she doesn't "have trauma" (in your opinion).

Let's remember that the woman is posting pictures of some cakes that she bakes. You've become fixated on her and that's not her fault. All this wallowing in envy and self-pity isn't a 'good look' nor is it helping you one little bit.

Get some therapy, work on making yourself feel better without denigrating anyone else. This is an unhealthy obsession.

@CulturalNomad I just meant her life in terms of trauma is bland. Great upbringing and supportive parents, she had a head start in life. Met a great partner as modelled by the parents. I think people gravitate more towards easier people as the trauma can side can be uncomfortable. They also find it easier to connect to people in my opinion. Of course I’d be jealous of that. But no it’s not her fault and no she isn’t bland as a person, we have some shared interests etc.

She have absolutely no idea whether she has any trauma or complications in her life. People deal with things differently. On the outside you'd probably say the same about me.

*You

@Hoplolly she is family I’ve known her a long time, I don’t know you I’m afraid. But let’s just play devils advocate and say she doesn’t. There are lots of people who’ve grown up without abuse as there are those who have. I do believe those who haven’t have had an advantage.

Family or not, my family don't know trauma I went through. My point is lots of people have battles and struggles and trauma that you have no idea about and seemingly have "perfect" lives.

@Hoplolly ok but not everyone has suffered childhood abuse and relationship abuse. I know a lot of people who had lovely upbringings. I’m simply saying perhaps that’s effecting me in a way where I’m harder to like or I find others harder to like. It affects the way I make connections. People who have suffered this type of abuse make connections easier.

You can slice it any way you want to but this poor woman is not the problem: you are envious of her and her husband and parents. You have a painful and distorted self image because of your trauma history.

I would recommend Pete Walker’s excellent book PTSD from surviving to thriving. You do not have to live always wallowing in negative views of yourself and hypercritical, begrudging, envy of others.

@pikkumyy77 I don’t disagree at all. Is it not normal at all to be envious of someone who has had someone you wish you did? I get that it’s not good to dwell on it. I have positive views of myself sometimes but I wish I wasn’t abused and my parents were non abusive and my marriage was non abusive. I don’t wish anything bad on this person at all, merely currently it’s making me feel sad.

It really isn’t normal to be so envious that you feel triggered by someone else’s good life. I would suggest working on yourself and trying to accept your past and the unique person it has made you. You have your own gifts to offer the world!

You can’t do anything about the past but you can do something about the future. If your marriage is abusive start the process of getting out!

I know it is easier said than done and no doubt you don’t want to end the marriage for many good reasons (finances, ill health, admiration and love for the healthy members of the family) but if you don’t protect yourself and value yourself you will live your whole life like an orphan girl with her nose pressed up against the glass window of a candy store.

@pikkumyy77 sorry my ex marriage, I did leave that eventually.

Good for you! How brave!

I hope with the right support and with the same courage that got you out of your marriage you can find a way to accept and treasure yourself. There is a line from Rumi , can’t locate the specific poem, “After I found the sweetness in myself I found it in other people.”

Here is another:

THE GUEST HOUSE

Translated by Coleman Barks
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

I am much happier since I left instagram and I approach FB with real caution.

It's not just bad for you; there is a lot of evidence that social media of this kind is likely to be the cause of unhappiness in many.

With people like this it's ok to say - " I'm trying to stay off social media to save time" - no one can argue with that then with a quick follow up - ask her about herself - that's how I deal with braggy people - just let them brag - that's what they love to do!

You're not alone.

Amazing quote 🙏

Thanks for the messages. That is the issue with Facebook. She does post about all the stuff she has. Constantly pics of her big house, all the holidays, how much her husband loves her, how much he does for her, all the birthday presents for the kids. These constant quotes about how people should stop complaining and they can have what she has…she posts these quotes about how competing is stupid but then she always posting about what she has, it is rubbing me up the wrong way. I’m fine with all the other people who post day to day stuff, kids out having fun etc. Sometimes I think you do have to stop following people. But I also know I need to work on myself and let this go.

I too approach FB 'with caution' as per @Allshallbewell2021
No need to get in an argument with pp here @Orangeblueberry IG/FB can certainly be useful, but research has shown it can damage some people's mental health. Probably depends how you're wired.
I'm wired to feel overwhelmed by the relentlessness of social media.
In your shoes I'd come off it completely for a bit and if anyone asks why, mutter something about a digital detox.
You can completely delete your profile but it gives you 30 days grace to change your mind.
I found there is nothing on there that is that useful.

Ah, I see you've decided it's time to drip feed some details to make the woman sound insufferable. Interesting.

I predict you'll get what you're seeking - posters denigrating her and oozing sympathy for you.

I don't care what this woman is posting you are exhibiting an unhealthy obsession with her and what you think she represents. She doesn't have a clue that you are sitting there marinating in envy; she's simply posting the typical FB pablum.

Get the help you need to move on from this.

@CulturalNomad I don’t see things as black and white as you I’m afraid. I agreed that I have an issue as you’ve expressed but I also agree that Facebook shows unobtainable lifestyles. I’m obviously one of those people who are affected quite deeply. I agreed that coming off is probably the best idea. I also think this particular person is bragging and it’s making me triggered. I’m a bit sensitive.

Ok sure but you are like a person who drops a hammer on your foot every fay and then posts complaining about hammers and begging for attention because you are “so sensitive.” You aren't more sensitive than other people.

If you don’t like the feeling of hammers dropping on your foot then avoid hammers.

Learn to live your own life—wishing for hers to be silenced, or judged, or for it to implode is massively unhealthy and utterly useless.

Yes I agree envy is ugly and unhealthy. But I do think some people are more sensitive than others and have a thinner skin. Trauma does this. I will take the points on bored and unfollow.

If you know you are suffering it is incumbent on you to act to relieve your own suffering. No one else can do it for you anymore than someone else eating dinner nourishes you.

Im sorry you've had so much trauma in your life OP, but you are SO focused on this trauma and it's effects that you're going to ruin the rest of your life by not moving past it.

Get some help - counselling, therapy, CBT, whatever you need but instead of just defriending people because you're jealous of their life, you need to start healing and resolving the issues. Because you've defriended her but do you really feel any better? Her life is still ticking along in the same way, but you are still here feeling bad.

@CandiedPrincess I feel better in the sense I don’t have to see the daily pictures of her intimate life. Like others have said I need to find ways to relieve the suffering and this daily triggering was not helping me process and move away from the feeling. I don’t have and haven’t had anyone trigger me before like this has but then no one else I know posts like this. Hopefully this will help me be able to get past what it is I’m struggling with.