Is it pathetic to unfriend family on social media because they make you feel triggered.

[Orangeblueberry]

I’ve got a family member who has done nothing wrong to me but having to look constantly at their perfect family photos is making me feel shit. I have de-friended them now but is that me being pathetic?

I’m trying to protect my mental health. I had a shitty childhood and a long abusive marriage (which I left a few years ago) and having to constantly look at their perfect life is really effecting me. My life has been hard and hard lessons have been learned. This other person (she is female) has never worked, her husband pays for everything, she is absolutely happy with this. She gets to stay at home all day whilst the kids are at school and crochet and bake cakes and I’m getting triggered seeing this on a daily basis. Like I said she hasn’t done anything to me personally I just can’t keep looking at it and thinking what crap luck I had, why me.

Social media isn't real. It only shows you the bits people want you to see.

Like constantly being soooooo ill. Or advertising their house is going to be empty while they jet off somewhere hot.

IMO those who constantly post about their lives at home and how perfect it is just come across as their bored out of their heads.

It's just like a mirror, it's telling you how you feel about yourself.

I think I need to make it clear that I’m the one with the problem and not the family member. I see her life as appearing as perfect and the support she receives and it triggers unpleasant feelings in me. I wanted to ask whether un-friending or staying away would be a solution. I can’t change my past, I carry a lot of trauma. I get the feeling from the responses that staying away isn’t a good solution. I’m trying to save myself from pain.

After my DH died, I felt all my FB friends were living lovely lives, while I was on the floor.

I didn’t unfriend anyone - I just didn’t log into it for months.

Sorted.👍

Being able to play beautiful piano pieces or become fluent in another language is impressive, especially as an adult with lots of adult things to do. But not many people do those things because whilst you are spending months or years even learnings arpeggios and uncommon verbs you can't post it as a picture and get endless praise.

Crochet & baking look good in photos and are relatively quick to learn. At least you produce something photogenic.

To be honest she sounds a bit bored and needs to post something. I am not saying she isn't nice just trying to give you an alternative view OP.

Your present life sounds great, and you are there despite being lucky in life. You're stronger than you think and one season of cakes and crochet would drive you round the bend I bet OP.

Have you posted about this before. It’s your sister in law? And your envious of her?

OP, it sounds like taking a break from social media generally would help you.

If the person speaks to you about social media at all just say you aren't on there that much/are taking time off there- it's really not uncommon. Lots of people are trying to cut down on social media use.

However it doed sound like you need a better coping strategy for when you do have to spend time with this family member.

FB, X, insta etc are mainly people bragging, wanting positive attention or sympathy or stalking.

I understand there are some benefits like knowing what’s going on in your area, connecting with businesses etc. But for me the crap side of it outweighs the benefits. I left it all and only use mumsnet. My life is much better without it. I would recommend you doing the same.

Do you see the person you have deleted regularly? If you are unlikely to see them in person, on the chance you do run into them I would just say you accidently did it when you had a friend cull, re-add them then mute them.

I think your feelings are understandable here, and obvs you can friend or unfriend whoever you want. You could just hide/unfollow her though? And aren't you going to come across quite a lot of 'triggering' people on social media?

I get the feeling from the responses that staying away isn’t a good solution

Really? Because the majority of the responses are saying that staying away would be the best solution. Obviously you can ignore that advice but that is what most people are suggesting.

@CulturalNomad sorry I meant that the problem is probably deeper then just staying alway. Long term probably isn’t enough.

I have a friend who posts about her perfect marriage but her revolting husband abuses her emotionally and financially
If people’s lives are really good no way do they post about it

Are you talking about Facebook? Here's what I did. I unfriended everyone and de-activated my account. Later (in my case it was years later), I re-activated my account and only joined groups I enjoyed. I brought the focus of FB back to me and what I wanted to read about. I just tell people I am only using FB for groups. Total game changer.

I was recently out with two of my closest friends who I hadn’t spent time with in over a year. At one point they were both sat in their phones texting their husbands (who they see every day) and I was just sat on my own thinking ‘god this is so sad’. I honestly don’t think I’ll be rushing to meet up again

Come off fb it will be very good for you

You poor thing, that's an awful lot of pain to be carrying. Muting this person is only a tiny sticking plaster on a very deep, gaping wound though. There will be plenty of times in life when you encounter people in RL who will remind you of how badly let down you were in childhood because they had everything you didn't. Working through those feelings in therapy is probably the only way to deal with it effectively.

It is possible to transition from grief for yourself and resentment towards the "privileged" to something more emotionally healthy. Although it's a lot of hard work, feeling genuinely happy for the good fortune of those around you is much less painful than what you're experiencing now.

@ColinFuckingRobinson yes I bet feeling happy for people feels better then this feeling. I don’t really know how to stop it though. I want desperately what some others have had. It’s been a lot of years of wanting it. I know I can’t get it back from the past but I feel I still get ignored in the present and it’s triggering all the time. If I had a healthy amount of support and nice words from family like she does I would feel a whole lot better. Instead there is nothing. I think I’d be better living in a hole by myself.

I only have my actual friends and family on Facebook and I mute a few of those so I see what I want to see. (About 60 people)

On instagram I only follow comedians/people I'm interested in. No real life people.

On snap chat I have a few very close friends (5)

I enjoy sm but only because it works for me

I had an ex colleague that triggered me for similar reasons. Beautiful, well off, happy relationship, gorgeous house seemed to have it all. However, I appreciated I didn't really know the inside of her life and relationships only her Instagram feed. And that she had always been nothing but lovely to me so how I felt was my issue, not hers. I muted her for approx a year, got over it, and focused on my life. I'm now pleased for her.

There is no one who has told me they are proud of me from my family or from my in laws. For some reason this particular person gets tonnes of praise. I get sick of reading it on Facebook
That sounds so difficult, but why are you angry at her that other family (shared family members?) give her positive attention?.

@DoreenonTill8 Im not angry at her. But seeing all the pictures daily is having a negative effect on me.

I think you sound very self-aware in some ways - you understand that you are triggered and you feel unseen or invalidated while she is basking in applause. However, what you are missing is the ability to celebrate her joy, or at least to ignore the feeling of comparison. I hope a day comes when your own happiness surpasses that feeling.

I’ve muted people on Facebook who make me feel bad about myself - those who are fit and healthy, doing dawn trail runs and icy sea swims! Underneath, I have huge respect and awe for their motivation, but am insecure about my own predilection for late night wine, Mumsnet, and cheeseboards 🙃 Maybe the day will come when I can stop being churlish and feeling inferior, but for now they are off my radar.

OP, with all the respect and in my opinion she is not triggering anything you are triggering yourself. You had said that if you mute her you will take a pick anyway. And if you unfriend her?
I think your issue is not her and her happy family annoying stuff, is that you are still hurting badly for your past and that pain doesn't allow you to see all the good things you have now, and even in a hard way the wisdom you have gained.
There is always someone better, luckier, prettier etc. Don't compare yourself and start to walk in the right direction to a bright nice future.

Social media often has this effect on people. I would quit it altogether if I was you. I did because I didn’t enjoy seeing other people’s lives online. I’d prefer to catch up with them in person.

I don’t think tnis is triggering, I think it’s envy. Op I note you didn’t respond to my question , but I’m sure this is your sil , married to your brother and you’ve posted before and know you’re deeply envious of her and want what she has.

just unfriend, I’m sure they must have realised in real life if you spend any time with them , and I would try to stop this focus on her, it’s really unhealthy , not just the envy but the deep focus on her.

You never know when you might want to be in touch with a family member so I wouldn't completely shut it down unless there had been a big fall out.

Just mute her/ restrict her posts. It's easy.