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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wierd dating / relationship situation here

102 replies

Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 20:42

I've been seeing a guy a few months now.
He really is confusing me!
When I see him all seems very good. He is reliable, never cancelled or let me down, we laugh and talk lots.
The last time I saw him however I was going to end it as I felt inbetween seeing him I hear .... nothing! Absolutely nothing. It can be a whole week and nothing no msgs or calls. The longest it has gone is 10 days!
Unless I initiate and his replies are very blunt & yes and no answers.
After getting advice from others I was advised hes not all that into me so I was going to end it.
I arrived at his place and he asked me if I'd like to go to a friends birthday party the following week , I was stunned as he had seemed so uninterested in me all week.
We went and he was introducing me as his girlfriend all evening to his friends & family. I though ah maybe now weve established what we are... in a relationship he will feel more open to more communication inbetween dates.
He stayed mine that evening, had breakfast out the next day... his idea. Great weekend really.
He went home. Since then ... over a week ago....nothing! No msgs , no calls ... nothing. I was waiting to see it he would initiate this time... nope not happened.
It's making me feel so confused, introducing me as a girlfriend yet not acting like a boyfriend.
So on top of this his family and friends have now added me on social media! .... my friend seems to think they wouldnt be doing this unless he has expressed he is serious about me ... so what the hell is going on?
Still not heard from him now been a week and I feel he is sending very mixed signals.
What would you do in this situation? Advice please

OP posts:
WickWood · 11/04/2024 20:54

I was dating someone like this for 4/5 months, great times when we were together, none stop talking and laughing, then in-between dates he rarely contacted me. He would sometimes initiate a message but it was after days of nothing. Seemed really keen when he was with me. I'm sorry to say the communication didn't improve in my instance. I would be honest and say you don't like/understand the lack of communication between dates, say you would like more initiation and communication, and see what he does, that'll tell you all you need to know!

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 20:58

WickWood · 11/04/2024 20:54

I was dating someone like this for 4/5 months, great times when we were together, none stop talking and laughing, then in-between dates he rarely contacted me. He would sometimes initiate a message but it was after days of nothing. Seemed really keen when he was with me. I'm sorry to say the communication didn't improve in my instance. I would be honest and say you don't like/understand the lack of communication between dates, say you would like more initiation and communication, and see what he does, that'll tell you all you need to know!

Thank you for your advice. I've never experienced anything like this! He coming across not interested which would be fine, I'd end it and move on / date others.
However the introduction to family and friends and calling me his girlfriend has really thrown me a bit!

OP posts:
BlueScrunchies · 11/04/2024 21:00

You just need to have a conversation with him about what you are to each other to give you some clarity.

I would hate the radio silence and would have brought it up by now because that would do my head in! Don’t be scared to have the conversation, If he backs off from it, then you have your answer!

Don’t live in limbo, just go for it, you deserve to know where you stand and to be happy!

ChampagneNightmares · 11/04/2024 21:03

Have you told him you need more communication between dates? He may presume you are happy with this set up if you've never mentioned it.

Tell him and see what happens. If he steps up all good. If he doesn't, bin him off.

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 21:06

Yes so the last time I saw him , he said I'm so glad I invited you to the party , I had such a great time with you , I then said to be honest I was surprised as you have been coming across as not keen inbetween dates with your lack of communication and he just replied have I? With a surprised look on his face and then he hugged and kissed me .... still no change

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 11/04/2024 21:08

What I would do is I would ask him!

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 21:12

BirthdayRainbow · 11/04/2024 21:08

What I would do is I would ask him!

I think I'm concerned about coming across as needy. What exactly would you say?

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 11/04/2024 21:15

X, you introduced me as your girlfriend and your family have all added me on SM which makes me think we are solid. However, we have no contact for a week at a time and that to me is not a relationship. I would like to talk to you daily, at least texting if not always a call, though daily phone calls with your boy/girlfriend is normal. If that is not something you would want to do then maybe we need to think whether we are right for each other.

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 21:22

BirthdayRainbow · 11/04/2024 21:15

X, you introduced me as your girlfriend and your family have all added me on SM which makes me think we are solid. However, we have no contact for a week at a time and that to me is not a relationship. I would like to talk to you daily, at least texting if not always a call, though daily phone calls with your boy/girlfriend is normal. If that is not something you would want to do then maybe we need to think whether we are right for each other.

That's fantastic , thank you :)

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 11/04/2024 21:23

"I then said to be honest I was surprised as you have been coming across as not keen inbetween dates with your lack of communication and he just replied have I? With a surprised look on his face"

Given his surprise at your comment, I get the impression that he's just not an inane chit chat sort of person. You mentioned it in a way that implies it is an observation and not something that bothers you so he's probably not picked up on the cue/hint that you'd like more comms between meeting.

I'm similar to him in that I only use texts/emails to arrange things. I prefer to do chit chat in person.

On the other hand, I briefly dated a guy who was the same as me (and your guy) so I get your confusion. There's just a feeling of "up in the air" about it.

LeaveTheClocksAlone · 11/04/2024 21:27

Massive introvert here (if that's what he is). Totally understandable that you want a more normal level of contact but if someone said to me "I would like to speak to you daily" I would run a mile. Fast 🏃‍♀️

ShrubRose · 11/04/2024 21:28

You could ask him, OP, but my personal guess is that this is how he is made. Some people can only handle a certain amount of contact and interaction.

If you lived with him, I can imagine a life where he would come home from work, have dinner with you, and then disappear into whatever man-cave your house had to read, do the accounts, watch Netflix, or do whatever he found relaxing. Alone.

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 21:39

Thanks for the replies. I think he is an introvert, however... when we first started talking he definitely made much more of an effort. So now I feel is he losing interest? With him being an introvert I also dont want to push him too much.
I am myself a little introverted , however I do speak to small circle of loved ones regularly I feel it keeps a bond up

OP posts:
Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 21:41

LeaveTheClocksAlone · 11/04/2024 21:27

Massive introvert here (if that's what he is). Totally understandable that you want a more normal level of contact but if someone said to me "I would like to speak to you daily" I would run a mile. Fast 🏃‍♀️

Funny you say this as he is an introvert and I am a little bit too, however I have been advised by friends to be more open and vulnerable as I have come across aloof in the past, the last time I saw him I told him that I had missed him a bit..n maybe I've freaked him right out 😂😂😂

OP posts:
ChampagneNightmares · 11/04/2024 21:45

LeaveTheClocksAlone · 11/04/2024 21:27

Massive introvert here (if that's what he is). Totally understandable that you want a more normal level of contact but if someone said to me "I would like to speak to you daily" I would run a mile. Fast 🏃‍♀️

Really?! You wouldn't want to speak to a romantic partner at least to have a quick text exchange every day?!

ShrubRose · 11/04/2024 21:45

It's making me feel so confused, introducing me as a girlfriend yet not acting like a boyfriend.

I think it's possible that he is acting like the boyfriend that he can be.
You have to decide if you are happy with that.
There's a great saying, "It never works to ask for what's not on the menu."

BettyBardMacDonald · 11/04/2024 21:45

You barely know him; I wouldn't want to be enmeshed with anyone at such a very early stage. What's wrong with weekly dating as you get to know one another?

Do you have a full life of work and activities of your own? It's always a mistake to rely too much on one person.

category12 · 11/04/2024 21:47

It's not "needy" to want something more than he's giving in terms of contact. It may, however, mean you're incompatible.

FGS don't try to force yourself to be happy with something that leaves you feeling insecure or uncertain about where you stand.

It's not what he says to other people that counts, it's how the relationship makes you feel.

And if he's not emotionally available enough for you, that doesn't make you needy, don't try to shrink yourself to fit what he's prepared to offer.

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 21:49

ShrubRose · 11/04/2024 21:45

It's making me feel so confused, introducing me as a girlfriend yet not acting like a boyfriend.

I think it's possible that he is acting like the boyfriend that he can be.
You have to decide if you are happy with that.
There's a great saying, "It never works to ask for what's not on the menu."

Great point, thank you :)

OP posts:
smellslikecinnamon · 11/04/2024 21:53

Ok I'm going to throw it out here even if I get slated but could he be ASD?
It's very autistic to do this. Autistic people don't tend to initiate texts or calls. Google something like 'autistic boyfriend never contacts me. See if resonates.

He may just need direct explicit info on what you require .

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 21:54

BettyBardMacDonald · 11/04/2024 21:45

You barely know him; I wouldn't want to be enmeshed with anyone at such a very early stage. What's wrong with weekly dating as you get to know one another?

Do you have a full life of work and activities of your own? It's always a mistake to rely too much on one person.

Yes I do, I work, have hobbies/ friends and family. I feel after reading everyones advice were not compatible, for me to maintain a bond I need regular communication. I speak to best friends every other day , sister and mum daily, auntie daily , it's just who I am. My eldest daughter who now lives away at uni, every other day, it's just my communication style. I'm not expecting him to msg me daily but you know check in atleast once every few days would be nice, I feel like he falls off the face of the earth inbetween seeing him

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 11/04/2024 21:56

I think I'm concerned about coming across as needy

How concerned are you about coming across as 'yourself'?

WildBear · 11/04/2024 22:02

It's a strange one alright. You'd think he might ask after you or occasionally say he's been thinking of you/the great time you had and is looking forward to seeing you again. In the first stages of a relationship, if you are into someone it's hard to get them off your mind, yet, if that was the case here, surely he'd send you a message here and there... 'hows your day?' even, show you give even a little bit of a shit as to how your 'girlfriend' is on the days you don't see her, does he not wonder where you are or how you're doing... On that note, I don't think I would have been happy with being labelled as his gf if we'd never even had that discussion, sounds v early days to be gf/bf.

CherrySocks · 11/04/2024 22:04

If you want a partner who messages you every day, you need to tell him, and if he can't cope with that, you are not compatible.
Some people don't feel the need to message every day - but it doesn't mean either of you is wrong, just different.

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 22:04

smellslikecinnamon · 11/04/2024 21:53

Ok I'm going to throw it out here even if I get slated but could he be ASD?
It's very autistic to do this. Autistic people don't tend to initiate texts or calls. Google something like 'autistic boyfriend never contacts me. See if resonates.

He may just need direct explicit info on what you require .

I've actually wondered this a few times! My friend is autistic and I've noticed he also copies things I'm saying or doing after I do them also he remembers the things I have said in a factual way.

OP posts:
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