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Original poster

Wierd dating / relationship situation here

102 replies

Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 20:42

I've been seeing a guy a few months now.
He really is confusing me!
When I see him all seems very good. He is reliable, never cancelled or let me down, we laugh and talk lots.
The last time I saw him however I was going to end it as I felt inbetween seeing him I hear .... nothing! Absolutely nothing. It can be a whole week and nothing no msgs or calls. The longest it has gone is 10 days!
Unless I initiate and his replies are very blunt & yes and no answers.
After getting advice from others I was advised hes not all that into me so I was going to end it.
I arrived at his place and he asked me if I'd like to go to a friends birthday party the following week , I was stunned as he had seemed so uninterested in me all week.
We went and he was introducing me as his girlfriend all evening to his friends & family. I though ah maybe now weve established what we are... in a relationship he will feel more open to more communication inbetween dates.
He stayed mine that evening, had breakfast out the next day... his idea. Great weekend really.
He went home. Since then ... over a week ago....nothing! No msgs , no calls ... nothing. I was waiting to see it he would initiate this time... nope not happened.
It's making me feel so confused, introducing me as a girlfriend yet not acting like a boyfriend.
So on top of this his family and friends have now added me on social media! .... my friend seems to think they wouldnt be doing this unless he has expressed he is serious about me ... so what the hell is going on?
Still not heard from him now been a week and I feel he is sending very mixed signals.
What would you do in this situation? Advice please

OP posts:
Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 22:48

RaininSummer · 11/04/2024 22:45

You sound total opposites in your need for communication in general. I am amazed at how often you say you talk to friends and relatives. How on earth do you even have anything to talk about that often or have time to do a thing else?

If you text him does he reply? I wouldn't generally think to get in touch that often with a newish boyfriend in between dates I think though I am from the vintage where making contact was much more difficult. Maybe you just need to contact him a bit more but probably only every couple of days at most given his obvious dislike of random conversation.

I also have like an open house people pop in to see me as I live around family and friends

OP posts:
Villagetoraiseachild · 11/04/2024 22:49

Sounds like you're doing okay. Tell him you'd appreciate some more contact between dates, to check in with you from time to time. You just need to tweak this into a more comfortable format for you. We're all different Im sure he will do this if you ask him, because it means a lot to you and he obviously cares for you. Good Luck.

Pringlebeak · 11/04/2024 22:49

Do you agree when to speak next? Does he call when he says he will? My boyfriend (now husband of 16 years) used to say "I'll call you Tuesday" and would call me Tuesday and not a day earlier. It took me a while to get used to it. This sounds like it might be a communication issue more than anything else.

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 22:52

mitogoshi · 11/04/2024 22:38

How old is he? The idea of messaging is relatively modern and calls until I was a young adult cost per minute. The idea of calling for the sake of chitchat sometimes seems to go against the grain. Dp does call me if he's away (work) but we keep it brief. The idea of texting apart from the mundane eg confirming meeting location and time isn't something I've ever done, i also don't make personal calls at work unless very urgent. Different generation

He is 44

OP posts:
crockofshite · 11/04/2024 22:55

LeaveTheClocksAlone · 11/04/2024 21:27

Massive introvert here (if that's what he is). Totally understandable that you want a more normal level of contact but if someone said to me "I would like to speak to you daily" I would run a mile. Fast 🏃‍♀️

Yep, this!

Let the guy move at his own pace. If that doesn't suit you you'll need to move on and find someone else.

When did women get soooooo needy?

Pixiesgirl · 11/04/2024 22:56

He is not your boyfriend, you are a hookup.

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 22:57

Volbeat · 11/04/2024 22:47

It is a bit strange, I'll admit. He didn't contact you for 10 days? How on earth do you arrange other dates if you always have to initiate? Do you suggest them or does he?

We both have , and it's like I'm making am appointment at the doctors or dentist 😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 22:59

Pixiesgirl · 11/04/2024 22:56

He is not your boyfriend, you are a hookup.

Well why would I be introduced as his girlfriend to friends and family? I wouldnt introduce my hook ups to friends and family? And I know my brother wouldnt be introducing us to his hook ups? It doesnt align with hook up does it? From my experience it really doesnt

OP posts:
Pixiesgirl · 11/04/2024 23:02

People are fucking weird. 10 days without contact is not a boyfriend. Look up breadcrumbing, the fact you are scared to share your feelings incase he runs off, also red flags a flying.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/04/2024 23:03

Why are people suggesting you should talk to him when everyone knows that you just have to observe has someone be behaves to know whether you want a relationship with them. He has behaved like a complete dick. He slept with you and then hasn't been in touch for a week. Never mind his family thinking you are his girlfriend. They probably haven't seen him all week either.

Throw this reject back in the river.

DancinOnTheCeiling · 11/04/2024 23:03

Don't end things (yet) OP. He actually sounds lovely, and in contrast to some of the terrible game playing a**holes out there, I think this is a difference in communication style/need.

I think he could definitely be autistic. For example, you said his communication via text is very factual, yes and no answers. He also didn't seem to understand that you hinted at wanting more communication when you said you're surprised he asked you to a party as you thought his lack of contact meant he wasn't too interested. Neurotypical people would know what you're trying to say is... "therefore please be in touch more often". But he took what you said literally ie he went "really?" ie he was surprised and he also acted in a kind and romantic way by hugging you but he did not seem to understand that you were hinting at wanting more contact. You need to spell things out. "I like you, and I'd like us to have more contact between dates. I'd like us to talk on the phone or have some text conversations. I'd also like you to initiate contact sometimes. Do you think we could try this?". Or similar. Then see how things develop. If it still doesn't change then you've given it your best shot but he might just not be texting because he's not bothered by it AND because he doesn't know it's important to you. He clearly cares about you, makes plans with you, you get on so well in person... I always read threads and think 'he's not into you' but in his case I really think he is. He just can't read between the lines..

Pixiesgirl · 11/04/2024 23:06

It's no frigging wonder blokes rampage through online dating shagging everything that moves. Women really do appear to be a bit slow on the uptake.

Volbeat · 11/04/2024 23:07

What does that mean @Pixiesgirl ?

DancinOnTheCeiling · 11/04/2024 23:08

Ps I don't think he'll be particularly bothered by texting/phone contact but if he does care about you (which I think he does) he should be able to do it because it's important to you.

And I disagree with people saying he's a dick based on the fact that when he makes plans with you he does actually follow through. The many dicks I've dated will make plans and tell you all sorts but it then never actually materialises but in his case it does. Plus the whole introducing you as gf - again any asshole I've dated would have never done that. Please don't bin him off (yet)

Ofcourseshecan · 11/04/2024 23:13

ChampagneNightmares · 11/04/2024 21:45

Really?! You wouldn't want to speak to a romantic partner at least to have a quick text exchange every day?!

Show quote history

OP, I tend to be like your boyfriend: I love seeing friends and relatives but I don’t keep in touch constantly in between. Some people don’t get on with texts etc but are fine in face-to-face communication.

Do talk with him about this. It may be easy to sort out. If you like each other, it would be a shame to split up over this.

beenwhereyouare · 11/04/2024 23:14

Pixiesgirl · 11/04/2024 22:56

He is not your boyfriend, you are a hookup.

@Violetroseyjane
Please don't even take this into consideration. Hookups don't take you to meet their family and making plans ahead of time with their girlfriend isn't something that's part of hookup etiquette.

He obviously likes you; maybe at the end of your next date, say something like "Call me on Tuesday, ok?" Keep it easy for now and increase calls and texts gradually.

(@Pixiesgirl- I don't wish to be critical, but did you read all of the OP's posts, at least? Including the one where she says he asked if it was okay to introduce her as his girlfriend?)

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 23:16

DancinOnTheCeiling · 11/04/2024 23:08

Ps I don't think he'll be particularly bothered by texting/phone contact but if he does care about you (which I think he does) he should be able to do it because it's important to you.

And I disagree with people saying he's a dick based on the fact that when he makes plans with you he does actually follow through. The many dicks I've dated will make plans and tell you all sorts but it then never actually materialises but in his case it does. Plus the whole introducing you as gf - again any asshole I've dated would have never done that. Please don't bin him off (yet)

Yes I agree. I've met some players in my time and none if them have been as consistent as he has with meeting up , hes always on time never played games , never cancelled, treats me very well when I see him. That's why I'm trying to have an open mind and heart here, I feel there is something else like autism going on here.
This man really does not seem like a player

OP posts:
Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 23:18

beenwhereyouare · 11/04/2024 23:14

@Violetroseyjane
Please don't even take this into consideration. Hookups don't take you to meet their family and making plans ahead of time with their girlfriend isn't something that's part of hookup etiquette.

He obviously likes you; maybe at the end of your next date, say something like "Call me on Tuesday, ok?" Keep it easy for now and increase calls and texts gradually.

(@Pixiesgirl- I don't wish to be critical, but did you read all of the OP's posts, at least? Including the one where she says he asked if it was okay to introduce her as his girlfriend?)

Show quote history

Thank you for this , the old me would have thought hook up too but I'm not feeling this with him.
He has also said he would like to see me again soon at the end if every meet up and likes to arrange it

OP posts:
Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 23:21

beenwhereyouare · 11/04/2024 23:14

@Violetroseyjane
Please don't even take this into consideration. Hookups don't take you to meet their family and making plans ahead of time with their girlfriend isn't something that's part of hookup etiquette.

He obviously likes you; maybe at the end of your next date, say something like "Call me on Tuesday, ok?" Keep it easy for now and increase calls and texts gradually.

(@Pixiesgirl- I don't wish to be critical, but did you read all of the OP's posts, at least? Including the one where she says he asked if it was okay to introduce her as his girlfriend?)

Show quote history

I also like the ... call me on tuesday ok? I'll try something like this at the weekend.
He also did say the last time I saw him, my family really like you. It meant alot

OP posts:
Pixiesgirl · 11/04/2024 23:22

I guess I'm a bit too cynical for this thread, good luck to you. Genuinely.

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 23:24

Ofcourseshecan · 11/04/2024 23:13

OP, I tend to be like your boyfriend: I love seeing friends and relatives but I don’t keep in touch constantly in between. Some people don’t get on with texts etc but are fine in face-to-face communication.

Do talk with him about this. It may be easy to sort out. If you like each other, it would be a shame to split up over this.

Show quote history

I have a friend that is similar and that is why I'm being so open minded with this one. She has no interest in texting other than to set a date to meet, in person she is great , it's like I'm dating her actually 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 11/04/2024 23:25

Pixiesgirl · 11/04/2024 23:22

I guess I'm a bit too cynical for this thread, good luck to you. Genuinely.

Thank you , and I can see why , it does come across like this in some ways yes. I've thought this myself and almost ended it just before he invited me to the family birthday party. There are alot if players out there so it's so difficult to differentiate the good from the bad at times!

OP posts:
Pixiesgirl · 11/04/2024 23:27

Just have your eyes open. Smile

NeurodivergentBurnout · 11/04/2024 23:37

Interesting you think he might be Autistic. There’s a feature within ADHD called ‘object permanence’ where you struggle to find things tangible unless they’re right in front of you. I’m ND myself, this isn’t a massive issue for me but I will forget things - like I went to get a key cut and suddenly said ‘Wait I don’t need it, I found a spare!’. Key cutter thought I was mad!
I’m in a LDR myself and we only see each other every other weekend (both single parents) but we text daily (like good morning/how did you sleep, lunch time catch up and in the evening). It helps me to text regularly but I can imagine some ND folk might put someone to the back of their mind!
I agree with pp, you can ask him
to change things but you may find that he can’t so the question is, can you live with it like this?

shivermetimbers77 · 11/04/2024 23:48

I agree with others , he sounds like a decent chap, and in many ways the exact opposite of a player.. I suspect he just isn’t used to texting a lot, and you really need
to communicate directly with him about it.
tell him exactly what is bothering you and what you would like to happen instead. Then see if you can compromise and find a midway point that works for you both.