Page 4 | Wierd dating / relationship situation here

Violetroseyjane · 2024-04-11T19:42:20+00:00

I've been seeing a guy a few months now. He really is confusing me! When I see him all seems very good. He is reliable, never cancelled or let me down, we laugh and talk lots. The last time I saw him however I was going to end it as I felt inbetween seeing him I hear .... nothing! Absolutely nothing. It can be a whole week and nothing no msgs or calls. The longest it has gone is 10 days! Unless I initiate and his replies are very blunt & yes and no answers. After getting advice from others I was advised hes not all that into me so I was going to end it. I arrived at his place and he asked me if I'd like to go to a friends birthday party the following week , I was stunned as he had seemed so uninterested in me all week. We went and he was introducing me as his girlfriend all evening to his friends & family. I though ah maybe now weve established what we are... in a relationship he will feel more open to more communication inbetween dates. He stayed mine that evening, had breakfast out the next day... his idea. Great weekend really. He went home. Since then ... over a week ago....nothing! No msgs , no calls ... nothing. I was waiting to see it he would initiate this time... nope not happened. It's making me feel so confused, introducing me as a girlfriend yet not acting like a boyfriend. So on top of this his family and friends have now added me on social media! .... my friend seems to think they wouldnt be doing this unless he has expressed he is serious about me ... so what the hell is going on? Still not heard from him now been a week and I feel he is sending very mixed signals. What would you do in this situation? Advice please

Volbeat · 11/04/2024 23:48

Oh yeah, object permanence is a real feature in people with ADHD. If he's good in every other way and don't give you red flag vibes I wouldn't bin him just yet.
Do tell him what you want though. I'm in a LDR and had to have a similar conversation with my guy and he got the point and things are great.

Lighteningstrikes · 12/04/2024 00:03

From my experience, I think he’s a bit of a fake.

He’s totally great and normal when you’re with him, but you’re not on his mind when you’re not there.

You sound really nice and he’s a fool.

Original poster

Violetroseyjane · 12/04/2024 00:38

Lighteningstrikes · 12/04/2024 00:03

From my experience, I think he’s a bit of a fake.

He’s totally great and normal when you’re with him, but you’re not on his mind when you’re not there.

You sound really nice and he’s a fool.

He may well be, my heads a bit of a mess right now, I really do not know what to think! I will be pulling back now though as I'm feeling odd about all of this

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category12 · 12/04/2024 06:20

If he is autistic or introverted or whatever else, it still doesn't mean you should overlook your own needs and wants in a relationship to give him a chance.

If it's part of who he is, then it's never going to get any better, so you'll be signing up for not having the sort of communication/interaction you enjoy throughout the relationship.

It's easy to think in the first flush of new relationship energy that it's something you can handle or adapt to, but it can wear thin later on.

It's perfectly OK to decide, "hey, this is not for me", rather than embark on a relationship where the other person can't or won't meet your needs.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 12/04/2024 06:40

I had a similar (ish) lack of communication issue with my DP early in the relationship. For me it left me feeling insecure and I wanted that to change. I explained my feelings to him and I made specific requests that would make me feel more secure. A text during the work day to ask how I’m doing, a phone call at night, and assurance we’d spend the weekends together. Looking back I can see that people here on MN would perceive that as needy and over the top, and it was a bit formulaic. But it was what I needed and it didn’t take long for me to feel secure with him and I still do. It sounds to me like you wouldn’t need that much as you sound very secure already with your family and friends network but you do need to ask for something as this isn’t working for you right now, and he needs to know that else it isn’t fair on him. Give him a chance to make you happy as it sounds like he wants to do that but doesn’t know how.

Rania78 · 12/04/2024 06:44

Hmmm…a fulfilling relationship doesn’t leave you confused. You just know

WishesPromised · 12/04/2024 07:30

Talk to him about this. State your needs but also accept that maybe he isn't a natural messager. It doesn't sound as if he's not into you, it sounds as if he isn't in the habit of messaging people.

Just have an open and honest conversation about it.

altmember · 12/04/2024 10:24

So when you call him he doesn't pick up or return your missed calls? When you message him he leaves you on read every time? What happens if you send him a "good morning" message each day? Try sending I'm messages that he can't answer with a simple yes or no - "what have you been up to today? What do you fancy doing next weekend?"

Communication is a two way street, so unless he's ghosting you between dates, you can't be trying that hard either.
I get that it's frustrating to feel you're initiating all the time, so see if you can't train him into better communication by leading it.

samestyle · 12/04/2024 11:43

Sounds like he wants a gf but doesn't want the hassle of having to talk to you inbetween meeting 😂 all you can do is tell him your expectations, it's only going to work if are both happy. To me it wouldn't feel like a proper relationship without that connection in between seeing each other, it's more like casual dating.

Original poster

Violetroseyjane · 12/04/2024 12:32

altmember · 12/04/2024 10:24

So when you call him he doesn't pick up or return your missed calls? When you message him he leaves you on read every time? What happens if you send him a "good morning" message each day? Try sending I'm messages that he can't answer with a simple yes or no - "what have you been up to today? What do you fancy doing next weekend?"

Communication is a two way street, so unless he's ghosting you between dates, you can't be trying that hard either.
I get that it's frustrating to feel you're initiating all the time, so see if you can't train him into better communication by leading it.

Hi, so if I were to msg him , he does respond, he has never ignored me. However I can feel he doesnt enjoy it or something, it's very hard to explain. The replies are blunt and to the point. So no he has never ghosted me in between dates. I was always initiating and making an effort and he was just responding here and there minimal effort.
The last 3 weeks I have now sat back to see if he will make more of an effort as I'm not naturally a chaser and also to see if this meant as much to him as to me.
Friends saying hes coming across as not that into you didnt help & I also dont want my time wasted.
That's when I got my results of him just not bothering for the longest 10 days at a time , however its quite often a week.
He would then msg are we still on for tonight? type thing late in the day of the evening we were meeting.
I felt this was not enough for me and pist me off so about 3 weeks ago when I was going to meet him to to end it with him, then he goes and invites me to family party, calls me his girlfriend, introduces me to all family and friends, takes me for breakfast the next day, arranges the next date with me while I'm there.
As you can imagine .... extremely confusing.
I've made loads if effort with him.

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Original poster

Violetroseyjane · 12/04/2024 12:38

This is exactly how it feels, a casual thing.
So wierd.

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Original poster

Violetroseyjane · 12/04/2024 12:39

And the family adding me on social media thing? Am I the only one that feels this is very forward?

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Original poster

Violetroseyjane · 12/04/2024 12:40

altmember · 12/04/2024 10:24

So when you call him he doesn't pick up or return your missed calls? When you message him he leaves you on read every time? What happens if you send him a "good morning" message each day? Try sending I'm messages that he can't answer with a simple yes or no - "what have you been up to today? What do you fancy doing next weekend?"

Communication is a two way street, so unless he's ghosting you between dates, you can't be trying that hard either.
I get that it's frustrating to feel you're initiating all the time, so see if you can't train him into better communication by leading it.

Hes never called either 😂 I called once and he didnt call back just responded with a txt.
It is utter madness isnt it now I'm typing it?

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Original poster

Violetroseyjane · 12/04/2024 12:48

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 12/04/2024 06:40

I had a similar (ish) lack of communication issue with my DP early in the relationship. For me it left me feeling insecure and I wanted that to change. I explained my feelings to him and I made specific requests that would make me feel more secure. A text during the work day to ask how I’m doing, a phone call at night, and assurance we’d spend the weekends together. Looking back I can see that people here on MN would perceive that as needy and over the top, and it was a bit formulaic. But it was what I needed and it didn’t take long for me to feel secure with him and I still do. It sounds to me like you wouldn’t need that much as you sound very secure already with your family and friends network but you do need to ask for something as this isn’t working for you right now, and he needs to know that else it isn’t fair on him. Give him a chance to make you happy as it sounds like he wants to do that but doesn’t know how.

Thanks for this , great advice. Your also right I am secure & have lots going on in my life so not at all needy ... I just dont want my time wasted.
I'm going to try this with him

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StMarieforme · 12/04/2024 13:17

You see years ago, this would have been normal. Now everyone wants constant messaging etc.
He perhaps isn't like that, and so you need to tell him what you are looking for.
I couldn't bear to be in a relationship where I had to be messaging all the time, but we're all different!

Terrribletwos · 12/04/2024 13:28

Well you did ask and you said he should introduce you as a GF so I think he did that for politeness.

The other stuff; he is using you.

Terrribletwos · 12/04/2024 13:39

Violetroseyjane · 12/04/2024 12:32

Hi, so if I were to msg him , he does respond, he has never ignored me. However I can feel he doesnt enjoy it or something, it's very hard to explain. The replies are blunt and to the point. So no he has never ghosted me in between dates. I was always initiating and making an effort and he was just responding here and there minimal effort.
The last 3 weeks I have now sat back to see if he will make more of an effort as I'm not naturally a chaser and also to see if this meant as much to him as to me.
Friends saying hes coming across as not that into you didnt help & I also dont want my time wasted.
That's when I got my results of him just not bothering for the longest 10 days at a time , however its quite often a week.
He would then msg are we still on for tonight? type thing late in the day of the evening we were meeting.
I felt this was not enough for me and pist me off so about 3 weeks ago when I was going to meet him to to end it with him, then he goes and invites me to family party, calls me his girlfriend, introduces me to all family and friends, takes me for breakfast the next day, arranges the next date with me while I'm there.
As you can imagine .... extremely confusing.
I've made loads if effort with him.

Edited

Show quote history

The replies blunt...
Doesn't message for a long time.
Then messages to invite to a family party

He's totally inconsiderate and inconsistent. It sounds like he has someone else waiting in the wings and you are his go to if his prior arrangement fails.

Really not sure why you would bother, he sounds a bit of a....

Original poster

Violetroseyjane · 12/04/2024 15:03

Terrribletwos · 12/04/2024 13:28

Well you did ask and you said he should introduce you as a GF so I think he did that for politeness.

The other stuff; he is using you.

He brought up the can I introduce you as my girlfriend? Are you ok with that? I said yes... as at the time I thought we were going somewhere

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Original poster

Violetroseyjane · 12/04/2024 15:07

Terrribletwos · 12/04/2024 13:39

The replies blunt...
Doesn't message for a long time.
Then messages to invite to a family party

He's totally inconsiderate and inconsistent. It sounds like he has someone else waiting in the wings and you are his go to if his prior arrangement fails.

Really not sure why you would bother, he sounds a bit of a....

Show quote history

Ok thanks , him maybe having someone else has gone through my mind actually, it would make sense in this situation

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BirthdayRainbow · 12/04/2024 15:32

Maybe he sensed you were going to end things so thought he'd introduce you and take you to the party

localnotail · 12/04/2024 15:35

OP, believe me, if he was "really into you" you would know, autistic, introverted, whatever - he would not ignore you for weeks on end and would not be "blunt and not enjoying it" when replying to you. Also, listen to your gut feeling - if it feels off, its off.
I had a similar relationship, really great at weekends but pretty much nothing in between. I can tell you, it was not a serious relationship - he was just using me for the time being.

DancinOnTheCeiling · 12/04/2024 20:10

Have his messages always been blunt and factual, even when he was messaging more frequently?

beenwhereyouare · 16/04/2024 05:53

Terrribletwos · 12/04/2024 13:28

Well you did ask and you said he should introduce you as a GF so I think he did that for politeness.

The other stuff; he is using you.

@Violetroseyjane
@Terrribletwos

I REALLY think this is off the mark. All your advice (twos) seems to be negative and cynical. And I'm not sure you're reading OP'S posts thoroughly.

For instance, you seem to have misunderstood Violet. You think he called her his girlfriend just to be polite, and apparentlythink SHE asked him to call her that. In reality, that's not what happened.

VRJ said:
"With the introducing me as his girlfriend he asked me right outside the entrance to the party, how can I introduce you tonight? Friend is not right, can I call you my girlfriend? And I said yes"

He asked HER. No ambiguity. He asked if it was OK to say she was his girlfriend. Your comment doesn't make sense because you got that wrong. Which also means you are making something sound negative when it wasn't at all.

@Violetroseyjane, once again
I'm hoping you'll ignore the negative feedback you've been getting from a few posters. There is NOTHING in what you've told us that sounds like he's playing games with you or using you as his backup girl.

Of course, no one except he himself knows exactly what he's thinking, so you have to use your logic. Maybe make a positive/negative list. Add a third column for neutral things. Under negative, you don't hear from him much. But some of the positive things include introducing you as his GF to his family. He obviously is thinking about you even if he's not good at communicating it. You said he makes plans and does things like ordering your favorite food. He pays attention to what's important to you. He let's you know when you've done something that makes him happy.

As for his family adding you on SM, it sounds to me like they are warm, friendly, and care about him very much. Face it, they like you. HE likes you.

If you like him, let him know that you want to talk more. And because you always need to protect yourself, Google to make sure he's really unattached. Most people wouldn't introduce their GF to their family if they were in a relationship with someone else, but occasionally you hear of someone doing just that.

I hope things work out in the way that you want. 🌹

Bestyearever2024 · 16/04/2024 06:31

So.....my take is that his communication style is as it is , that is him. That's who he is

He won't or can't change

Furthermore, I think that if you and he move in together, the silent and distant communication would become the norm

He's a nice guy, he really likes you imo, but I think when you're physically together he's masking and the real everyday him is the closed, introverted, abrupt person you are seeing in between the masking

He isn't right for you

Original poster

Violetroseyjane · 16/04/2024 10:01

Bestyearever2024 · 16/04/2024 06:31

So.....my take is that his communication style is as it is , that is him. That's who he is

He won't or can't change

Furthermore, I think that if you and he move in together, the silent and distant communication would become the norm

He's a nice guy, he really likes you imo, but I think when you're physically together he's masking and the real everyday him is the closed, introverted, abrupt person you are seeing in between the masking

He isn't right for you

Thank you , I have been doing alot of work on myself the last week and meditating.
I think you could be right, however I also feel maybe he is holding back a little for some reason.
I've decided to have a Frank conversation with him face to face ...not for him, not to chase him , for myself for my own personal growth as I'm trying to understand myself here and if he is emotionally unavailable then I need to work out why I am attracted to this.

I did see him this weekend as planned however I kind of held back a little and watched him more with clarity instead of being giddy and too much in my feelings if that makes sense.

He did something else which makes me question him,
We were talking and laughing, I told him a story and something I did in that story which was quite funny from my past he started laughing tapped my leg and said I really love that about you!
He then moved his hand very quickly and went like , like i like that about you
I replied it's ok, i know what you meant.
I found this behaviour and a couple of other things confusing this weekend.
I've left things ok, however I feel different today, almost like I've woken up.
He is a nice man, I'm a nice woman , maybe were just not compatible 💁‍♀️ maybe hes just not enough for me?
I am a big communicator , hes not.
So I'm kind of sitting back now and relaxing, not stressing about it, hes not bad, hes not a player, I truly believe he is kind & respectful but just as you have said this is probably just his communication style & I'm not sure that's why I want.
He may also be making who knows ? Its very hard to tell.

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