How much should house guest offer to pay?

[Goldfishonabike]

Just that. We just had house guest for three nights, they’ve never visited the country we now live in before, so we took them out to show them the place, asked them what they’d like to do and took them
to those specific places as well as a few we chose. On all occasions they either paid for themselves and we paid for ourselves or we paid for us all. Not once did they offer to treat us to anything - like standing in a queue for ice cream they ordered for themselves no paid for themselves, on another occasion we ordered for us all and one of them said “do you want me to pay?” Just like that, and because if the way it was phrased I said no no I’ll get it don’t worry. we provided all meals at home, including one take out. They’re a family of five, so it wasn’t a low cost either.
They’re both working and own a home while one of us are unemployed and we are living in rental accommodation.
I would like to be a generous person and generally consider myself as such, but I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Usually when we have house guests, people offer to pay for a meal out or to pay our entrance to touristic places (which we anyways only visit for the visitors benefit) and when we are are house guests we always make sure to get groceries and drinks and if we go out we offer to pay for the meal.
do you think the behavior of this guests is normal? Also, do you think maybe it could be some misunderstanding, as on two occasions they did offer to pay, but to
my mind very half-heartedly aka “do you want me to pay?” And as soon as I said I’ll get it just accept it. Do you think I was too over eager to be generous or is it normal
ti expect the hosts to pay everything?

My DM is strongly of the view that 'host pays'. It wouldn't occur to her to offer to pay if she was visiting someone. If she was hosting she would expect to pay. In reality she seldom hosts.

DPIL were 'let's put money in a kitty' people.

It just sounds like poor communication all round. I hate offers to pay for things and then feel obliged to offer to pay after that. It's better to split meals out, pay for your own ice cream etc. I'm happy to pay for food at home if I'm hosting but I wouldn't be offering to pay for meals and food out or expecting the people I'm hosting to pay for me. It's odd.

Which still equates to you not liking the way they said it.

Yes they were tight but you should have still said yes if for no other reason than you’re sending a message that offers to pay are appreciated.

So basically they said "do you want me to pay?" (twice?)
And you said "no"
So they didn't
And you are now grumbling to others you are pissed off because they didn't pay.
I think you (not they) need to up your communication game.
Ridiculous.

pwrhaps I’ve missed the information because I have not read the whole thread, but did YOU invite them? And do they come from your native country or somewhere else? There are plenty of cultures in the world (including mine) where if you invite someone it means full hospitality. I know somebody from the Middle East that would rather go into debt than let a visitor or guest go without the very best experience, and would take offence if somebody asked to pay instead. Concepts of politeness and rudeness are pretty relative! One of my American colleagues seriously misinterpreted Turkish hospitality for an attempt at bribery (this was in the context of a business trip) and was ready to storm off…

I had friends family visiting for a week and made a thread asking what I need to provide for them. Majority of MN said I should provide everything and them offering to buy a takeaway is a nice gesture but not to be expected.

I personally think for 3 days it depends on relationship. If it is my good friends we would all pay for ourselves when outside (tickets, meals). I'd expect the host to have breakfast stuff at the house. I'd likely buy a bottle of wine for the host and if we decided to go to grocery store to pick up stuff, we'd split the bill or I'd pay depending on how much it costs

Without hearing the other side of the story, it’s hard to comment.

however , if you treat a guest to something, (or anyone for that matter), they have no obligation to repay the favour.

if you go out for the day/ out for dinner, there is also no obligation for you to pay for guests, just as they have no obligation to pay for you.

it’s nice for them to repay the favour, but when you do something nice for someone, you’ll always feel less resentful if there are no strings attached.

so, next time you are going to treat someone, ask yourself- am I doing this because I want them to do the same, or am I doing this as a nice gesture ?

It’s not really about whether I want them to repay the favor, but about us being on a tight budget and them coming over and asking to do specific things which involve being out and about at meal times and coming back so late that you do not have time to cook, thereby creating situations where food outside has to be bought, and then not offering to chip in for that. If we weren’t living on one income right now I wouldn’t mind being generous and paying for everything! I think this has taught me also that when/if we are on a tight budget then that is not the best time to host, and if it happens anyways, we need to be more transparent with guests and let them know that we can’t afford to do a lot of expensive outings/meals, rather than living as if we’re loaded for a few days…I guess where the upset comes in is that I would’ve expected them to pick up on that situation from us telling them we were on a tight budget and then infer they should pay more, and I guess I need to not expect people to be kind readers quite as much.

*mind readers

Yea this is DH and why it ended up like that. I am not like that, don’t want to end up with hardly nothing left to spend the rest of the month because we’ve hosted guests. And because when we visited them they didn’t provide anything for us outside meals at home, I was expecting them to be more willing to pay their own way when they were here, thinking that was their cultural way of doing things, especially as they asked to do specific things. I wouldn’t have said yes yo do those things had I known they wouldn’t readily pay their way during excursions.
i think as others have said this has taught me to do clearer expectations management before visits/joint trips, especially when finances are tight.

on another occasion we ordered for us all and one of them said “do you want me to pay?”
I know you said ut didn't sound like a real offer but I would have made out it was and said something like ' oh, how kind,thanks, that would be lovely' my inner thought would be thinking 'about fucking time pal!'

I’m with you @Goldfishonabike We just had house guests from overseas over Easter and we paid for tickets for a days outing and general food but they wanted to pay for our lunch that day. In a properly insistent no we’re paying kind of way. In many years of hosting I have never had someone say "do you want me to pay", which comes across as someone who doesn’t want to pay.

Edited to add: lesson learned for you to say ’yes’ to any questions to pay.

I agree OP the way they asked to pay was not genuine and I would have said the same as you. However with the benefit of hindsight, I wonder how they would have reacted if you had answered with a question “would you like to pay?”

Bit late now but Splitwise app is your friend here.Stops all that hassle.But yes, saying 'Do you want me to pay' rather than 'We will get this' puts you in a position where they assume you will say no which is rude.

I'm generous and my whole family are so quite often it's a fight to see which sibling/parent/ friend will win who gets to pay the bill lol. Both of my closest friends are like me and will sneakily pay the bill depending on who gets to a waitress first, so I don't understand your friends. Did you invite them to stay and maybe they thought it was everything included? I'd hint that you want to go stay with them again and then let them pay for everything!

OK, but saying, ‘Do you want me to pay?’ implies that you don’t want to!

They should have said e.g., ‘We’ll get these!’ - and just paid up.

I have a lot of sympathy, OP, especially after a Canadian cousin I’d never even met before stayed 10 nights, was taken all over London to see the sights and was evidently fatally allergic to putting his hand in his pocket! And after he’d left there was not so much as an email to say thanks.
Never again!

This is so easy to sort...
Friend say can they, or does x date work for a visit.
You say yes it is fine as you can house them for free, but due to issues do they mind going half on the food budget... if they hand over say 300 you will do the same and all food will come out of a kitty.
If this isn't possible you can arrange a different time to visit....

Normal behaviour is to overpay one’s way as a guest.

You are definitely right to address this now.

As pp said, ask them how they want to manage the food budget, do they want to bring their own or do they want to split the receipts in half.

How are you all getting there? If DH is driving you make sure they pay half the petrol!

A bit different, but it used to make me seethe inside when we were eating out with a guest who was staying, and at the good old dh would automatically produce his wallet, and said guest would say, ‘Are you sure?’
As if dh was going to say, ‘Actually, no - isn’t it time you put your fucking hand in your pocket for once??’

Said guest was of a nationality I won’t name here, but having had quite a lot of contact with that particular breed, I do find them generally tight as the proverbial ducks’ arseholes!!

They're being CFs. Of course they should at least bring some wine and flowers and treat you to a meal, that's just normal behaviour UNLESS they've already established with you that they can't afford to do that. I have a friend I stay with abroad regularly and I know she doesn't have much cash so I always either pay her, or pay for stuff while I am there. But some people are just a lot more stingy than others and won't pay for stuff unless they have to.

I think if you are going to feel a bit used afterwards, a good way to respond to the half-hearted offers like "do you want me to pay?" would be to act a bit naively, as if they'd made a sincere and genuine offer.

So act pleasantly surprised as if they were really treating you, "Oh, gosh that would be lovely - thank you". You are responding to their statement, but not in a way like you were expecting them to pay.

They were that rude they offered to pay and the OP told them no 🤣

I hate the payment dance and people sneaking up to pay while pretending to go to the bathroom or pushing others from the counter sounds totally ridiculous. Can't we be adults?

I'm in central Europe and there just isn't one standard correct way to go around it. Part of the population has the "I wouldn't let my guest pay for the food" attitude. Part is for splitting. Part would expect one token meal payed for by the guests.

I always expect (and express so) to pay for ourselves and don't mind paying for others as well (our guests, family, friends on lower income, while being someone's guest), we can afford it easily. However, the moment someone says no, I won't fight over the bill, it just seems so undignified for both sides. Either let me pay when I offer, or do it yourselves, but don't expect me to do songs and dances.

"Do you want me to pay? "

"That would be lovely, thank you".

Yes, they should have contributed more, but some people my father are offended by the idea that they can't host "properly" so maybe they didn't want to force the issue either.