Wwyd- Dm upset dc ‘to teach them a lesson’ -

[Itsalwayssomething]

Dm lives in a city 1.5 hours away and she asked to have dc for a couple of nights in the Easter hols. I persuaded them (12,8 and 6) to go so I could work a few days. They weren’t that keen on going but do usually seem to have a nice time there.

5 mins after arriving to collect (I’d taken them to hers 2 days before) my dd8 got upset and told me Dm had hidden from her and ds6 on the way home from their outing that afternoon. Dm proudly tells me yes she did it to teach them a lesson as they were walking too far ahead. I immediately say that’s really unkind and I’m not happy about that. Dd12 & dd8 chime in they knew i wouldn’t be happy. Dm minimises and says dd was upset but ok after a quick cuddle. I have to change the subject as dd8 is getting more upset.

I don’t know if AIBU to be so angry about this. Dm was ALWAYS like this with me, my dsis and db growing up. In my view she causes unnecessary upset and drama about things which could be dealt with more patiently and kindly. So maybe I’m more annoyed than if there wasn’t a backstory. I don’t know why I’m surprised she’s now treating my dc this way. I stupidly thought, though she didn’t agree with my parenting, she somewhat respected it as I’ve called her up on things before and knows I won’t let dc be looked after by her if she doesn’t.

Dc are upset as they have mentioned it a few times since getting home. And I'm even more annoyed since we got home and dd12 told me she’d told dm I wouldn’t like it beforehand and she didn’t anyway.

So wwyd if this would upset you too? I feel I need to raise it properly. My DH has made no helpful suggestions. My dsis thinks I should just send a brief tx saying kids upset, the more I think about about it, the more I don’t understand why she would deliberately upset them.
I think I should should speak to her on the phone and let her know she’s upset the kids and that I won’t be persuading them to visit and stay over again. Or maybe I should just leave it and when she asks to have them again say they won’t be going. But that seems a bit of a cop out.

No point in saying anything now, as she'll be prepared for it (just as she said to your DC). Just a matter of fact 'They don't want to come anymore' if she asks again.

Depends. Were they walking too far ahead after being told not too?

5 mins after arriving to collect (I’d taken them to hers 2 days before) my dd8 got upset and told me Dm had hidden from her and ds6 on the way home from their outing that afternoon. Dm proudly tells me yes she did it to teach them a lesson as they were walking too far ahead

Well unless your DC are psychic the only lesson I can see them getting from that is that DGM likes to upset them on purpose. I can't see any other lesson here but that.

She is teaching them what could happen if they don't listen and get too far ahead - they got upset - likely they will learn not to wander too far off in future

As long as your mum could still see the children well enough to keep them safe

Do you try to bring your children up without them getting upset when they have done something wrong? Is that why they were not listening to your mum ? Because they didn't expect anything upsetting to happen as a result of upsetting someone else ?

Dm was ALWAYS like this with me, my dsis and db growing up. In my view she causes unnecessary upset and drama about things which could be dealt with more patiently and kindly.

and yet you thought a good call to send your three young children to her to stay for an extended period. ok

I’d be furious. I’d be explaining exactly why and not sending my children back. There are many ways to teach children without scaring and upsetting them. I couldn’t accept this.

Not acceptable behaviour - not a place to leave them in future.

I'm making assumptions but having experienced a similar dynamic, I'm pretty confident that you'll come off feeling worse if you confront her. She'll deny she did anything wrong, turn it back on you and your 'badly behaved kids' and drag up a lot of feelings of hurt, frustration and helplessness from your childhood.

If you can, detach yourself, focus on your kids and just never send them again. Your MH will thank you for it.

Ridiculous! This is a very disrespectful and cruel way of teaching a child. At their age a simple: hold my hand please makes more sense. She deliberately frightened them because she likes it like that—OP knows but perhaps cant accept that her mother is either stupidly cruel or cruelly stupid. Either way just refuse to have the children in her care. She is not worthy of that responsibility.

I think this is a slight overreaction on your part. Could DM still see them, so she knew they were safe?

If you both parent really different then I wouldn’t let them round there but I really don’t think this is worth a big falling out.

There's no point complaining about something that isn't changeable. I just wouldn't allow the kids to stay in her sole care again.

Your DM has a cruel way of teaching lessons! Would she also throw them in the deep end of the pool to teach them to swim? How about making them put their hand on the hot hob to teach them not to touch it...it's a very sadistic way to teach children anything. As PP said, all they learned was that GM likes to upset them...yes, they may learn a ' lesson ' but at what cost?

I don't imagine your DCs will ever feel comfortable around her again whether at yours or hers...she has stomped all over their trust and proven to them she's not safe to be around ( emotionally, and mentally).They will probably always have their guard up around her.

I mean, I'd not be upset by this and I'd just tell the kids to listen to their nan next time.

I always look at it "did my parents love me and look after me and do their best by me with the tools they had at their disposal (financial and parenting wise?)" I also ask myself "did I turn out OK?".

The answers are 99% of the time "yes".

So then I think their parenting strategies must've had merit.

I also think that age 6, 8 and 12 they're old enough to be "taught a lesson" like this. I don't think your mum qas out of order. If you disagree then don't ask her for childcare next time.

Agreed.

And as someone who remembers DM teasing my little brother to the point of making him cry, I have some sympathy for the DC's upset.

I think DM’s method is a bit mean. It is deliberately fabricating the consequence of refusing to listen to good sensible advice to not walk too far ahead of an adult. I don’t think it is sadistic to the point of tossing a child that can’t swim into a deep pool or burning their hand on a hob, it’s nowhere near that extreme.

I think because the children didn’t want to go in the first place, that they are taking advantage of this incident to get some control over when they next see your DM. It does seem like by sending them when they obviously did not want to go, told you they didn’t, but you decided to anyway that this is to make you pause and consider their feelings more in future.

What would I do? I’d tell my DM to be gentler with the kids in future and that she should really be parenting them the way you do, instead of the way she parented you. I’d say it confuses them and is upsetting because children need consistency.

I’d tell the children that you’ve spoken with DM and she will not do this again and that in future you will give them more choice over when they see her. Seeing your Nan is supposed to be enjoyable, not an enforced duty.

That's deranged. What if your kids had gone missing looking for her while she was "hiding" from them? Jesus. Looks like DM never gets the kids again.

I wouldn't call her up about this, because, as others have already said, she'd just turn it around on you.

Nope, if she believes that children would 'learn' from this, I'd take the opportunity for YOU to learn from this. She'd never be allowed to have my children overnight again. She has 'taught' you that she is not to be trusted, and you have learn the lesson never to entrust your children to her again.

It’s really not worth saying anything unless she asks and then next time she wants them to stay just be truthful and say they won’t come because you upset them last time and I’m not forcing them to come to stay .

My dm used to do spiteful childish stuff to me when I was a dc. And her supposedly the grown up.
Been nc for a very long time.
And she doesn't see my dc...

That's very cruel, what a horrible way to treat her grandchild.

She must have felt she had to prove a point to your DC, there are more intelligent ways of doing so without causing them any emotional distress.

It does not sound like an innocent game of hide and seek. Kids years ago would be pretty streetwise and had less adult supervision but nowadays they are more dependent on adults, so this makes your mothers' actions so much more harsh.

@KestrelMoon
"I think because the children didn’t want to go in the first place, that they are taking advantage of this incident to get some control over when they next see your DM. It does seem like by sending them when they obviously did not want to go, told you they didn’t, but you decided to anyway that this is to make you pause and consider their feelings more in future."

I'd be interested in WHY they didn't want to go n the first place. H she pulled stunts like this before?

@WhereYouLeftIt
Good question. It’s obvious DM is parenting as she parented OP instead of how OP parents. Perhaps more communication from OP on how best to handle the DC would help? Unless the DM is the sort to go la la la can’t hear you, I know everything I raised you la la la

@Sweetpea1532 & @pikkumyy77

also agree with you both and others along similar lines.

as I expected lots also disagree and don’t think that big a deal

As I acknowledged in my op probably over sensitive to it due to background. Huge bigger childhood back story that I don’t want to go into in relation to this.

either way i do think she was unkind and nasty. I don’t know how far away they were or if they'd been told before. They’re good kids though and there’s many better ways she could have dealt with the situation whatever had happened.

they won’t be going again.

I don't think your DM is right in what she did, but the tone of your OP and the repsonse of your kids is a bit - not doing what Grandma says because mum won't like it.

There is an odd dynamic here.
No, not happy with DMs way of treating kids. But also there is some serious undermining of grandma here too.

And a huge backstory where you are expecting her to behave in a certain way.

bit odd.