Wwyd- Dm upset dc ‘to teach them a lesson’ -

[Itsalwayssomething]

Dm lives in a city 1.5 hours away and she asked to have dc for a couple of nights in the Easter hols. I persuaded them (12,8 and 6) to go so I could work a few days. They weren’t that keen on going but do usually seem to have a nice time there.

5 mins after arriving to collect (I’d taken them to hers 2 days before) my dd8 got upset and told me Dm had hidden from her and ds6 on the way home from their outing that afternoon. Dm proudly tells me yes she did it to teach them a lesson as they were walking too far ahead. I immediately say that’s really unkind and I’m not happy about that. Dd12 & dd8 chime in they knew i wouldn’t be happy. Dm minimises and says dd was upset but ok after a quick cuddle. I have to change the subject as dd8 is getting more upset.

I don’t know if AIBU to be so angry about this. Dm was ALWAYS like this with me, my dsis and db growing up. In my view she causes unnecessary upset and drama about things which could be dealt with more patiently and kindly. So maybe I’m more annoyed than if there wasn’t a backstory. I don’t know why I’m surprised she’s now treating my dc this way. I stupidly thought, though she didn’t agree with my parenting, she somewhat respected it as I’ve called her up on things before and knows I won’t let dc be looked after by her if she doesn’t.

Dc are upset as they have mentioned it a few times since getting home. And I'm even more annoyed since we got home and dd12 told me she’d told dm I wouldn’t like it beforehand and she didn’t anyway.

So wwyd if this would upset you too? I feel I need to raise it properly. My DH has made no helpful suggestions. My dsis thinks I should just send a brief tx saying kids upset, the more I think about about it, the more I don’t understand why she would deliberately upset them.
I think I should should speak to her on the phone and let her know she’s upset the kids and that I won’t be persuading them to visit and stay over again. Or maybe I should just leave it and when she asks to have them again say they won’t be going. But that seems a bit of a cop out.

Dc are upset as they have mentioned it a few times since getting home. And I'm even more annoyed since we got home and dd12 told me she’d told dm I wouldn’t like it beforehand and she didn’t anyway.

That sounds like she warned them before but they basically threatened her with you and carried on, is that correct?

@Itsalwayssomething You sound like a great mum and anyone with any sense would agree that your DM was out of order.

op we are talking about your children here. Leaving them alone for prolonged time with someone you say is deliberately unkind and who gave you an unhappy childhood.

Sure… subject yourself if it’s “complicated” to it but your children? no

I have never met a good parent who ever used the words 'I did this to teach you/ my child a lesson'.

It's just not a phrase that an actual decent parent needs.

We've had family counselling for my MILs behaviours, I was grumpy that DH did nothing of any huge help, as much as he did do some discussions... counsellor said he'd been brainwashed too .. shit isn't it

what you’ve described above sounds very very dark and the thoughts of children in that environment and in contact with your MIL is disturbing

@brocollilover - I don't tolerate it anymore. I walked out with my children over Christmas because she was being horrible, and haven't been back since - told DH to sort it as we're staying away. He's tried to talk to his dad but they're in denial

We can forget the things in our childhood only for them to come to the fore when we see it in action again.

I'd forgotten my DMs inability to connect with a toddler. But when I saw my DS playing happily for ages lining up all his cars and DM "teasing" him by messing up his line and upsetting him to the point of tears rather than say, trying to create a rapport by playing it his way, it brought it all back to me. When she implied that my 2yo was odd for getting upset rather than recognising she was deliberately trying to upset a baby, it really raised my hackles.

She had never offered to look after him and never helped when I desperately needed her so really my decision to not let her have him unsupervised was easy.

She's never had him unsupervised, even when he was older and she's asked . I can't take the risk thar her other parenting strategies like the beatings we got would be employed. So we meet for lunch or visit for a weekend together and I'm there to step in if needs be.

My parenting strategy has been to reflect on how I was taught, and typically do the opposite.

I will ask a very open question about how they feel at DM house. Let them open up to you. Might be other stuff too.

Don’t let people get to you with these criticisms. People get very polarized on these threads—it says more about them than it does about you. There is a kind of poster that really needs to assign the rile of persecutor to someone on the thread so they can be the rescuer/champion of the little innocent victim. Sometimes these posters align with the OP and comfort you but sometimes they puck someone in the story (the mother, mother in law, children, husband) and then go on the attack. Don’t take it too personally. From an outside perspective its almost at random.

You are listening to your children, you are protecting them, you are fostering their development even when your own relationship with your mum sounds difficult. You are doing well!

She's a fucking nightmare who should not be tolerated by you or your children. If you need it, you have my permission to never deal with her toxicity again. Honestly, that's not normal behaviour towards children. She gets off on dominating people who are dependent on her. Toxic as fuck.