Wwyd- Dm upset dc ‘to teach them a lesson’ -

[Itsalwayssomething]

Dm lives in a city 1.5 hours away and she asked to have dc for a couple of nights in the Easter hols. I persuaded them (12,8 and 6) to go so I could work a few days. They weren’t that keen on going but do usually seem to have a nice time there.

5 mins after arriving to collect (I’d taken them to hers 2 days before) my dd8 got upset and told me Dm had hidden from her and ds6 on the way home from their outing that afternoon. Dm proudly tells me yes she did it to teach them a lesson as they were walking too far ahead. I immediately say that’s really unkind and I’m not happy about that. Dd12 & dd8 chime in they knew i wouldn’t be happy. Dm minimises and says dd was upset but ok after a quick cuddle. I have to change the subject as dd8 is getting more upset.

I don’t know if AIBU to be so angry about this. Dm was ALWAYS like this with me, my dsis and db growing up. In my view she causes unnecessary upset and drama about things which could be dealt with more patiently and kindly. So maybe I’m more annoyed than if there wasn’t a backstory. I don’t know why I’m surprised she’s now treating my dc this way. I stupidly thought, though she didn’t agree with my parenting, she somewhat respected it as I’ve called her up on things before and knows I won’t let dc be looked after by her if she doesn’t.

Dc are upset as they have mentioned it a few times since getting home. And I'm even more annoyed since we got home and dd12 told me she’d told dm I wouldn’t like it beforehand and she didn’t anyway.

So wwyd if this would upset you too? I feel I need to raise it properly. My DH has made no helpful suggestions. My dsis thinks I should just send a brief tx saying kids upset, the more I think about about it, the more I don’t understand why she would deliberately upset them.
I think I should should speak to her on the phone and let her know she’s upset the kids and that I won’t be persuading them to visit and stay over again. Or maybe I should just leave it and when she asks to have them again say they won’t be going. But that seems a bit of a cop out.

this is very sensible thank you

Did she actually tell them to slow down / wait and they ignored her, or did she just let them get too far ahead with no intervention and then hide with no warning? How angry I was would depend I think.

I'd not be happy about the hiding and upset either way though and I'd be especially not happy if they were next to a road and she'd let them run on ahead and wasn't holding hands - but round here people reverse off driveways etc without checking properly for pedestrians, so I'm probably extra careful.

Not that I’m aware of. I just thought they didn’t want to leave me. They’re all a bit like that to varying degrees. But maybe there’s been an undercurrent they’ve not liked and they I’ve not been aware of before. Not sure.

I’ve got to pop out and then get dinner sorted. Will be back later

My FIL did something similar. He had taken my kids aged 8 and 6 out, they bickered all day. On the way home FIL made DS age 8 get out of the car and he drove away. He then stopped further down the road. His "reasoning" was that it wasn't far, taught them a lesson, he couldn't concentrate on driving etc.. DS is a sensitive soul and he was very upset about it. FIL was very defensive/stroppy and blamed the DC when me and DH raised it.

DH said he did similar things to him when he was a child.

All you can do OP is let her know how it has made you and DC feel. I suspect that much like my FIL you won't get an apology.

I find these things tricky with my DM, too. I don't think it's necessarily wise to jump into dealing with it with her until you are clear with yourself what you are sorting out? Is it this? Or is it the cumulative back story? Because trying to sort out your past with her through reacting to this incident is unlikely to satisfy either situation.

Wrt the incident itself, if I felt it needed addressing I might find a way to say to my DM that I was worried bc next time she 'disappears' the children are less likely to take it seriously since they will assume it's just her fucking with them. Honestly what a stupid way to go about the situation. That said, it does pretty much like she is highly anxious about losing them amd looking for them to carry some of that anxiety. So you might get better results by discussing her worries and agreeing strategies that she and the DC actually find helpful to manage the situation

There have been places for me with my parents which have been hardline, direct address (if you do this, you can't look after them) but I think on the whole I have found oblique approaches more helpful, eg commenting on an outside situation or example to give an insight into my thinking/parenting approaches.

I also think it is worth spending time in looking at thise sore spots you have with your DM. Some of them may need some direct approaches but ime if you really think carefully you will see your DM coming from a place of lack of skill really, trying to look after you and now your DC in a way she thought proper. It may have failed to really take account of you as a whole person - my DM was highly anxious about control for example, which meant her trying to control you like a dog behaviourist or something and not a reasonable person with reasonable reasons why you didn't always do what she wanted. Still, it was for reasons which were about trying to protect me

I found when I was honest with myself, some of my anger with her was to do with me not being able to forgive her for not being perfectly attuned to me. When you spot those things, you'll be surprised how easily some of those previously hot issues can be dropped, and managed with your DC around how DGM is different.

The stuff that adult you needs taking care of by all means raise with your mum, but just be prepared for the fact that just as she didn't have the skill for it then, she might not have the skill for now. And you might other kinds of support, and different people to help you process it.

I never manage this myself in the heat of the moment but quite often I'm able to see these unpleasant blips are actually useful to me in helping me sort my own shit with my DM out. So I hope it turns out that way for you, too

I think you're the one over blowing this, and I also doubt that the kids are dwelling on this nearly a week later. You're the one dwelling on this.

You dwelling on this for a week as far more damaging than anything your mother did. You're causing them anxiety and and teaching how to ruminate about things.

While not the ideal, what your DM did was give a natural consequence to their faffing off. I bet they didn't do it again, did they?

One gentle consequence beats out a hundred oh please dear don't bite my face off, gentle parenting nonsense

But maybe there’s been an undercurrent they’ve not liked and they I’ve not been aware of before. Not sure.

in your op they say they didn’t want to go

you also said your mum was pretty bloomin nasty to you as a child

Great comment by @WoopsLiza

When my kids when younger and would throw a strop and either storm off, or refuse to move to keep up with everyone else, I would sometimes hide (so they were always within sight but couldn't see me) and MOST of the time it served it's purpose; them coming running after me, looking for mummy or me 'allowing' them to storm off and following discreetly, only for them to realise they don't actually want to be on their own and again probably feeling a few seconds of panic before I hugged them explained why I did what I did. No harm done. Worked with 2 of my kids, but it had zero effect on one of my boys who would literally thumb a lift with a stranger if it meant he could make his point.

I wouldn't get too worked up about this OP, as long as she could see them the whole time and there was no risk - e.g by a busy road.

I'd say that you're really disappointed that she's repeating parenting errors that you still remember being upset by x years ago.
That you're putting a firm boundary in place. Either she apologises properly to the children (without any bug I was only trying to x) or she can see the children with an adult present.

Why are so many posters willing to act out abandoning their children in place of using, you know, language to help children follow rules set up for their safety? I mean it may be effective—but so is a slap in the face. It is still not best practice.

They weren't listening to the language that was being used, so OPs mum decided to use actions instead!!

I wouldn't raise this with her right now. Just gives her more opportunity to minimise/deflect/justify. You wouldn't get anywhere and it would be upsetting for you.

I would bide my time until she next wants them to come and stay, and then say, "No, they don't want to. They were upset by what you did last time." Which presumably will be the truth.

You don't need to get into an argument with her or justify your opinion of her behaviour. Just keep telling her they don't want to stay with her and why. Kids aren't the only people who can learn from consequences.

My mother did that when my two were bickering. Trouble is that unlike me, my eldest was not used to being physically attacked by an adult with the result that she went backwards down the stairs when she was shoved.

I didn't find this out until years later as the DC decided that they couldn't tell Mummy because Mummy would kill Grandma and go to prison. They were probably right. But they did say that they didn't want to go round there anymore.

Although I'd thought that it was only me that she hated so much out of all five of us and my DC were nothing like me (my logic was 'Yeah, I'm a dickhead and always have been, but my kids are lovely, everybody else says so'), the memories of how she had been to me nagged away and I took them at their word.

Listen to your kids. There could be far more in the background that they haven't told you about.

She’s more in the lalala camp: she thinks she’s a parenting expert as she’s raised 3 kids. Who’ve all had mental health issues at various points- but she can’t see the connection. Though as I said in the op I thought she did listen to an extent before this incident but clearly she doesn’t. Or not for long.

thanks @WoopsLiza very insightful

As someone above said I need to learn from this incident. I know she’s not a safe person for me. I’ve emotionally withdrawn from her for sometime and we only have a very surface level relationship- how’s the weather type of general conversations. I thought she was ok with dc but now they’re getting older she clearly is not a safe person for them either. They won’t be going again.

thank you to everyone who’s posted. Interesting to hear different view points.

😂 this is brilliant thank you. Yes she needs to learn their consequences to her actions too!

I agree this is worrying. Even if you do raise it again it’s clear she can’t be trusted to look after your children. Don’t leave your children with someone who is going to be deliberately unkind.

The 'teaching someone a lesson' thing is so shit. I absolutely hate it. Having grown up blissfully free of any such passive aggressive nonsense, I only encountered it in adulthood from a particularly fucked up, petty, pedantic, uptight boyfriend. There's definitely 'a type' for this kind of thing, and it's right up there in my top 5 of creepy behaviours to watch out for in new friends or lovers. I'm seething on behalf of your DC.

I’m so sorry @NeverDropYourMooncup
thats awful. Yes you’re right there has likely been other things happened I'm unaware of.

I’m actually quite pleased my dc realised I wouldn’t be happy with how she treated them. They know their worth and what behaviour is acceptable and what isn’t. they’ve never said something trivial like granny won’t let us eat on the sofa. They knew immediately what she did wasn’t ok.

It really is, isn’t it! Why manufacture a situation and be mean to teach someone a lesson. It’s so mean!

Boundaries don't require the other person to do anything.

Your boundary is, because this has happened you will now only see my children when I am there to supervise.

End of.

If your kids are genuinely still upset about this days later then they need to learn a bit of resilience!
It seems more likely that they know you have a difficult relationship with your mother and they are dwelling on this incident as a way of showing solidarity. "DDs chimed in they knew I wouldn't be happy". Right, of course.

Your mother demonstrated a natural consequence of them not doing what she needed them to do. Walking too far ahead means they may get lost and their parent/grandparent can't find them - that would be dangerous and very upsetting. In this case, your mother demonstrated a fraction of that and was able to diffuse it with a hug afterwards. The lesson was learned and no harm came to them.

You and your mother have different parenting styles. You don't agree with hers, she likely doesn't agree with yours. If you put your kids in her care you have to accept she will care for them however she thinks best or appropriate. If you truly can't accept that, don't send them again.

I think you just need to be there when they see her from here on in.

I wouldn't be interested if my own kids wanted me to mind their children and didn't like how I was doing it. So they'd just have to be there in future.

No. Not on. You don't get to blame @Itsalwayssomething for hoping her mother would be better with her grandchildren.

when i comes to my. children i don’t “hope” for the best if im leaving them for a prolonged period

the op said the children didn’t want to go
the op said it’s typical of her mother to be like this

so quite a risk to “hope”