Wwyd- Dm upset dc ‘to teach them a lesson’ -

[Itsalwayssomething]

Dm lives in a city 1.5 hours away and she asked to have dc for a couple of nights in the Easter hols. I persuaded them (12,8 and 6) to go so I could work a few days. They weren’t that keen on going but do usually seem to have a nice time there.

5 mins after arriving to collect (I’d taken them to hers 2 days before) my dd8 got upset and told me Dm had hidden from her and ds6 on the way home from their outing that afternoon. Dm proudly tells me yes she did it to teach them a lesson as they were walking too far ahead. I immediately say that’s really unkind and I’m not happy about that. Dd12 & dd8 chime in they knew i wouldn’t be happy. Dm minimises and says dd was upset but ok after a quick cuddle. I have to change the subject as dd8 is getting more upset.

I don’t know if AIBU to be so angry about this. Dm was ALWAYS like this with me, my dsis and db growing up. In my view she causes unnecessary upset and drama about things which could be dealt with more patiently and kindly. So maybe I’m more annoyed than if there wasn’t a backstory. I don’t know why I’m surprised she’s now treating my dc this way. I stupidly thought, though she didn’t agree with my parenting, she somewhat respected it as I’ve called her up on things before and knows I won’t let dc be looked after by her if she doesn’t.

Dc are upset as they have mentioned it a few times since getting home. And I'm even more annoyed since we got home and dd12 told me she’d told dm I wouldn’t like it beforehand and she didn’t anyway.

So wwyd if this would upset you too? I feel I need to raise it properly. My DH has made no helpful suggestions. My dsis thinks I should just send a brief tx saying kids upset, the more I think about about it, the more I don’t understand why she would deliberately upset them.
I think I should should speak to her on the phone and let her know she’s upset the kids and that I won’t be persuading them to visit and stay over again. Or maybe I should just leave it and when she asks to have them again say they won’t be going. But that seems a bit of a cop out.

What a stupid woman your mum is, teaching them a lesson like this, they must have really panicked when they thought she wasn't there. Panicking a 6 yr old and an 8 year old doesn't teach them to 'do what gran says' it makes them anxious, they learn that gran's cruel, and that they can't trust her.

If you can’t trust her son lab hem
with her , my mum is like this enjoyed frightening me or saying mean things when I was a child sh find it funny I can still remember it all 40 years later

Wow, your mum sounds nasty.

I’ve never left my kids with either set of grandparents solo as neither set of grandparents are competent to have solo charge of children. You don’t have to let her look after the kids, just visit occasionally and stay with the children.

Knowing what you know about your own DM’s parenting how often have you left your children with your Mother unsupervised in the past?

I would reflect on your part in this too. Persuading (manipulative is how I would categorise this style of parenting) your children into staying with their DG when they said they didn’t want to is not a nice thing to do either.

Don't leave your kids with her ever again.
And wise up to the fact that how your childhood was, is how she'll treat her grandchildren. I've had to realise that too this week. It's a pretty shit lesson to learn, but I'm with you on it.

Sooo my parents did this type of thing, thought they knew best and loved to tell off my DC. They saw themselves as the parents, not me and DH.

Now teenage DC never want to see my parents . I have to beg for DC to do a teatime with them. DC could go on holiday, out for dinner, presents galore with them: but entirely don’t want to.

I’d just ask your dc if they want to go again to grandmas. They won’t want to. Grandma will ask them on the sly, they really won’t want to.

you reap what you sow and Grandma is gonna learn that shit.

edit bad grammar

Argh! My Dad was one of these ‘parents’ who liked to pass on his pearls of wisdom in very sadistic ways. My brother and I actually never gained anything from his teachings, apart from he was an arsehole who liked to tease us for his own amusement.

All she had to do is a simple “you’re too far ahead of me, I’m waiting here until you come back”. I’ve done this with my kids, they don’t actually like walking back because it takes longer to get to the park/shop/activity.

OP, of course kids need to learn how to stay close but what’s interesting is your kids are so impacted by your Mums strange behaviour, her ‘lesson’ was all in vain.

I wouldn’t fall out about it. I also wouldn’t ask her/allow her to be with my kids unsupervised going forward.

@Itsalwayssomething

"My dsis thinks I should just send a brief tx saying kids upset, the more I think about about it, the more I don’t understand why she would deliberately upset them."

THIS.

It's ok to slightly scare children a bit. But then you'd call them all. So they knew you were looking out for them. She wasn't looking out for them.

It has consolidated your thoughts about your DM. You shouldn't allow your treasures to go again. No matter work pressures.

Without the full backstory this is definitely coming across as being quite entitled tbh. By not explaining the full history, you're manipulating others to agree with you, when actually it may be you at fault for bringing your children up to think they're right all the time.

i’m not blaming the op for anything

i am pointing out that bloody odd to know your mother has a habit of being “deliberately” unkind; to know that your children didn’t want to go…. and yet still leave them in her sole care for a prolonged period

It’s not safe for small children to walk on very far ahead. Do you allow them to do this? Why did they ignore your dm?

Regardless of the rights or wrongs of dms actions, when you ask someone to do you a favour and have three children for a few days you need to ensure your children are going to listen to the adult.

Your nym is quite telling!

Whatever x

They know their worth and what behaviour is acceptable and what isn’t. they’ve never said something trivial like granny won’t let us eat on the sofa. They knew immediately what she did wasn’t ok

If they know what behaviour is acceptable and what is not, why would they run ahead when told not to, or where they not told and don’t feel there is any problem with running off? If they are so insightful with behaviour, what is their assessment of their own?

Nothing in the OP suggests that the children had been warned already, or were in actual fact, running off. It could just as easily have been that they were walking faster than grandma and hadn't realised that they got so far ahead. If grandma is as much of a dickhead as she sounds then there's every chance that she may have taken the opportunity to "teach them a lesson", when in fact the children hadn't even intentionally misbehaved - she was just pissed that she hadn't or couldn't keep up with them.

The kids don't sound like particularly poorly behaved children. Grandma's behaviour from what we have been told, however...

Utter nonsense
DM has taught them one thing

They can't trust her

sounds like your dcs and you are overreacting to me. What about the rest of their stay? Looking after your 3 dcs for a few days so that you could work sounds like your dm was being pretty helpful overall to me. You don’t say how old she is (3 dcs might be quite exhausting if she is elderly) or any context - were the dcs running ahead, had she already warned them? I think your dcs are bigging this up, it wasn’t a great thing for your dm to do but really not that bad!

Awful way to parent! I would want to say something. But also I wouldn't let the kids stay there anymore.

Good on your FIL .what is wrong with this? Did that with my own dc (was within view all the time).
Your kids should not be running off in front after their nan has taken them on a nice outing.It was rude!

I think you have to see how your children feel about this. If they don’t want to go to her house without you then don’t push them to do it. If they like seeing her and don’t get bothered by her methods then that is also fine. Don’t force the relationship.

@ageratum1 You think it’s fine to convince a child that they’re being abandoned by the side of the road while the rest of the family drives off? WTF?

Oh the hysteria. Talk about overreaction. Oddly you don't seem to want to addresses why your children were wandering off and not listening.

I agree.

As I acknowledged in my op probably over sensitive to it due to background. Huge bigger childhood back story that I don’t want to go into in relation to this.

The background is massively relevant. Obviously don't go into it on here, but think about it and whether you want your kids to be subjected to whatever she did to you. She's the same person.

I would not let my kids stay alone with someone like this.

Any adult that does something to a 6 year old kid 'to teach them a lesson' probably needs some lessons in parenting.