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Original poster

Wwyd- Dm upset dc ‘to teach them a lesson’ -

111 replies

Itsalwayssomething · 05/04/2024 16:15

Dm lives in a city 1.5 hours away and she asked to have dc for a couple of nights in the Easter hols. I persuaded them (12,8 and 6) to go so I could work a few days. They weren’t that keen on going but do usually seem to have a nice time there.

5 mins after arriving to collect (I’d taken them to hers 2 days before) my dd8 got upset and told me Dm had hidden from her and ds6 on the way home from their outing that afternoon. Dm proudly tells me yes she did it to teach them a lesson as they were walking too far ahead. I immediately say that’s really unkind and I’m not happy about that. Dd12 & dd8 chime in they knew i wouldn’t be happy. Dm minimises and says dd was upset but ok after a quick cuddle. I have to change the subject as dd8 is getting more upset.

I don’t know if AIBU to be so angry about this. Dm was ALWAYS like this with me, my dsis and db growing up. In my view she causes unnecessary upset and drama about things which could be dealt with more patiently and kindly. So maybe I’m more annoyed than if there wasn’t a backstory. I don’t know why I’m surprised she’s now treating my dc this way. I stupidly thought, though she didn’t agree with my parenting, she somewhat respected it as I’ve called her up on things before and knows I won’t let dc be looked after by her if she doesn’t.

Dc are upset as they have mentioned it a few times since getting home. And I'm even more annoyed since we got home and dd12 told me she’d told dm I wouldn’t like it beforehand and she didn’t anyway.

So wwyd if this would upset you too? I feel I need to raise it properly. My DH has made no helpful suggestions. My dsis thinks I should just send a brief tx saying kids upset, the more I think about about it, the more I don’t understand why she would deliberately upset them.
I think I should should speak to her on the phone and let her know she’s upset the kids and that I won’t be persuading them to visit and stay over again. Or maybe I should just leave it and when she asks to have them again say they won’t be going. But that seems a bit of a cop out.

OP posts:
Jellybeanz456 · 08/04/2024 08:04

Dc are upset as they have mentioned it a few times since getting home. And I'm even more annoyed since we got home and dd12 told me she’d told dm I wouldn’t like it beforehand and she didn’t anyway

How did dd12 know beforehand what she was going todo??

babaisyou · 08/04/2024 08:04

CheeryPye · 08/04/2024 07:51

Oh the hysteria. Talk about overreaction. Oddly you don't seem to want to addresses why your children were wandering off and not listening.

Edited

@CheeryPye @DrJoanAllenby Are you serious?

Kids do wander ahead sometimes. That's what they do. They lose focus/ attention, they get distracted - they're children.

As the adult, the appropriate reaction is to go and get them and tell them not to wander off and hold their hand if necessary.

Not to hide and scare them 'to teach them a lesson'.

Onelifeonly · 08/04/2024 08:18

It depends on the details. Did DM hide away for an extended period of time, while your children were running around panicking, unable to find her?

Or did she step back out of sight for a few moments to make them realise they had gone on too far ahead, knowing exactly where they were?

The former would be cruel, the latter maybe just not the best parenting choice.

I am wondering about the 12 year old though. Most 12 year olds are mature enough to tolerate a bit of parental absence when out and have the sense to come up with a plan of action to locate an adult seen shortly before, without it being a major crisis.

You had no qualms in sending your children to your DM for a few days, despite knowing her parenting methods, so I think you are over reacting. And a child being upset for a short while isn't the end of the world. (Plus they all had each other and are old enough to communicate effectively). I think they are playing on it because they didn't want to go and know they can sway you.

PaperDoIIs · 08/04/2024 08:19

My parents did that when I was a kid in a market type place.I wasn't not listening or wandering off, just looking at stuff.They hid to see what I would do according to them. After a little panic , I just went home , thinking they either were there already or they'd be on their way . Ironically, they lost sight of me, so it's them that learned a lesson that day. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Your mum's prize can be that she doesn't get your kids on her own anymore so no more opportunities to pass on her "wisdom".

PaperDoIIs · 08/04/2024 08:22

Onelifeonly · 08/04/2024 08:18

It depends on the details. Did DM hide away for an extended period of time, while your children were running around panicking, unable to find her?

Or did she step back out of sight for a few moments to make them realise they had gone on too far ahead, knowing exactly where they were?

The former would be cruel, the latter maybe just not the best parenting choice.

I am wondering about the 12 year old though. Most 12 year olds are mature enough to tolerate a bit of parental absence when out and have the sense to come up with a plan of action to locate an adult seen shortly before, without it being a major crisis.

You had no qualms in sending your children to your DM for a few days, despite knowing her parenting methods, so I think you are over reacting. And a child being upset for a short while isn't the end of the world. (Plus they all had each other and are old enough to communicate effectively). I think they are playing on it because they didn't want to go and know they can sway you.

From the sounds of it, the grandma only hid from the younger children (the 6yo and 8yo). The 12 yo was presumably with her?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 08/04/2024 08:24

ColBoulter · 08/04/2024 05:56

Utter nonsense
DM has taught them one thing

They can't trust her

Show quote history

I took me YEARS before I realised that's the lesson I'd learned about my DM, and for the same sort of reasons.

Afraidofthedarke · 08/04/2024 08:28

It sounds really mean and spiteful to me. I wouldn’t be sending them for overnight trips etc again.

Brabican · 08/04/2024 08:34

I used to walk school classes to a local place of interest. We had two adults for twenty five children. Can you imagine if a teacher hid to teach a class a lesson? They would be sacked. It is completely unacceptable.
I posted recently about bumping into an ex student who had disclosed physical and abusive behaviour by her parents ( secondary school). She had just had a baby and was about to return to work. Her parents were going to be looking after the baby. She said to me, 'It's what I know'.
So many mums on here complain about abusive behaviour from their parents growing up but are prepared to let these abusive mothers be their childcare choice. There is some research about boys who were abused at boarding school but still sent their sons because it was what they were familiar with.
I am really pleased to hear that you are questioning your mother's behaviour OP

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 08/04/2024 10:08

@Itsalwayssomething well just teach her a lesson!! the kids arent coming back!!!

Neverpostagain · 08/04/2024 10:15

You seem annoyed that you're children were upset. But children should be upset from time to time, surely you know this. It's how they practice dealing with emotions. Speak to your Mum if you want, but as far as the DC are concerned it just a learning experience firstly on what can happen if you get too far ahead and secondly on how you can get upset and get over it.

brocollilover · 08/04/2024 10:23

As I acknowledged in my op probably over sensitive to it due to background. Huge bigger childhood back story that I don’t want to go into in relation to this.

far from over sensitive op. You don’t trust your mother. You had a difficult childhood. Your children didn’t want to go.

and yet you left them with her for a prolonged period

pretty much the opposite of “over sensitive”

ageratum1 · 08/04/2024 11:25

LifeofBrienne · 08/04/2024 07:35

@ageratum1 You think it’s fine to convince a child that they’re being abandoned by the side of the road while the rest of the family drives off? WTF?

Can you not read ' within view'!

pikkumyy77 · 08/04/2024 11:35

Neverpostagain · 08/04/2024 10:15

You seem annoyed that you're children were upset. But children should be upset from time to time, surely you know this. It's how they practice dealing with emotions. Speak to your Mum if you want, but as far as the DC are concerned it just a learning experience firstly on what can happen if you get too far ahead and secondly on how you can get upset and get over it.

This may be the funniest thing I will ever read on mumsnet—or the most horrifying. Its not as though life doesn’t offer OP and her children plenty of occasions to practice handling their big emotions.

Does granny have to mock up losing the big game or not being invited to Susie’s party too?

And what important emotional regulation is taught when the children contemplate the visit with grandma? Granny is untrustworthy and punitive and we call that love? That leads pretty directly to a disordered relationship with others.

LifeofBrienne · 08/04/2024 11:37

ageratum1 · 08/04/2024 11:25

Can you not read ' within view'!

Show quote history

Well I don't know what the exact situation was in your case, perhaps you did always explain to your child that you weren't going to drive off and leave them completely and were going to stay within view.
But in the example you were quoting approvingly, the grandfather told the child to get out of the car and then drove off. He might have known that he wasn't going to leave him and the child was completely safe. However the child was very upset, presumably because for a short period he thought he was actually being abandoned and left. Faking a situation to frighten and upset a child is shitty behaviour, I don't care how annoying children bickering in the car is - adults should behave like adults.

ageratum1 · 08/04/2024 12:15

I am guessing you also would not be happy with grandma if your kids had got run over?
Maybe teach your kids to do as they are told, so that this forsnt happen?
I bet they won't run off again!

FloofCloud · 08/04/2024 12:42

My MIL is horrible too to our children, said things like spoilt brat (they really aren't), the cat ran away because it saw your ugly face (to my 5 year old), why are you always so filthy (to my DS 6 who spent the day playing in the garden, had a bath and made a tide mark, 'what's this?' Poking and grabbing at my DD13's tummy
She's a narcissistic cow!! I have gone very low contact with them and my children don't want to visit her ... now she's complaining that she never gets a visit 🤷‍♀️ tough really isn't it!

PaperDoIIs · 08/04/2024 12:59

Neverpostagain · 08/04/2024 10:15

You seem annoyed that you're children were upset. But children should be upset from time to time, surely you know this. It's how they practice dealing with emotions. Speak to your Mum if you want, but as far as the DC are concerned it just a learning experience firstly on what can happen if you get too far ahead and secondly on how you can get upset and get over it.

There's upset and then there's engineering upset.

All the kids learned is that they can't trust that particular adult.

MsLuxLisbon · 08/04/2024 16:10

Neverpostagain · 08/04/2024 10:15

You seem annoyed that you're children were upset. But children should be upset from time to time, surely you know this. It's how they practice dealing with emotions. Speak to your Mum if you want, but as far as the DC are concerned it just a learning experience firstly on what can happen if you get too far ahead and secondly on how you can get upset and get over it.

Children should never be upset by adults' bad behaviour. Cruel things happen in the world, illness, poverty, etc. But parents and grandparents always need to be safe people, and I am shocked that anyone is suggesting otherwise. OP, don't send your children to stay with your mother again. She sounds like a narcissist who feels as if she can do no wrong.

GrannyRose15 · 08/04/2024 16:15

Itsalwayssomething · 05/04/2024 16:15

Dm lives in a city 1.5 hours away and she asked to have dc for a couple of nights in the Easter hols. I persuaded them (12,8 and 6) to go so I could work a few days. They weren’t that keen on going but do usually seem to have a nice time there.

5 mins after arriving to collect (I’d taken them to hers 2 days before) my dd8 got upset and told me Dm had hidden from her and ds6 on the way home from their outing that afternoon. Dm proudly tells me yes she did it to teach them a lesson as they were walking too far ahead. I immediately say that’s really unkind and I’m not happy about that. Dd12 & dd8 chime in they knew i wouldn’t be happy. Dm minimises and says dd was upset but ok after a quick cuddle. I have to change the subject as dd8 is getting more upset.

I don’t know if AIBU to be so angry about this. Dm was ALWAYS like this with me, my dsis and db growing up. In my view she causes unnecessary upset and drama about things which could be dealt with more patiently and kindly. So maybe I’m more annoyed than if there wasn’t a backstory. I don’t know why I’m surprised she’s now treating my dc this way. I stupidly thought, though she didn’t agree with my parenting, she somewhat respected it as I’ve called her up on things before and knows I won’t let dc be looked after by her if she doesn’t.

Dc are upset as they have mentioned it a few times since getting home. And I'm even more annoyed since we got home and dd12 told me she’d told dm I wouldn’t like it beforehand and she didn’t anyway.

So wwyd if this would upset you too? I feel I need to raise it properly. My DH has made no helpful suggestions. My dsis thinks I should just send a brief tx saying kids upset, the more I think about about it, the more I don’t understand why she would deliberately upset them.
I think I should should speak to her on the phone and let her know she’s upset the kids and that I won’t be persuading them to visit and stay over again. Or maybe I should just leave it and when she asks to have them again say they won’t be going. But that seems a bit of a cop out.

Just out of interest. How would you deal with children who consistently refused to wait for you , an elderly woman who could not keep up with them and was worried they were getting too far ahead?

brocollilover · 08/04/2024 16:25

FloofCloud · 08/04/2024 12:42

My MIL is horrible too to our children, said things like spoilt brat (they really aren't), the cat ran away because it saw your ugly face (to my 5 year old), why are you always so filthy (to my DS 6 who spent the day playing in the garden, had a bath and made a tide mark, 'what's this?' Poking and grabbing at my DD13's tummy
She's a narcissistic cow!! I have gone very low contact with them and my children don't want to visit her ... now she's complaining that she never gets a visit 🤷‍♀️ tough really isn't it!

wtaf

why do you children have any contact t with her? i wouldn’t want her within a 5 mile radius

and your husband…. is he without a spine?

PaperDoIIs · 08/04/2024 16:55

@GrannyRose15 that's a very specific scenario you made up there.

Original poster
Itsalwayssomething · 08/04/2024 17:03

I wasn’t going to post again as I think the thread has helped me to straighten out my thoughts but I thought I’d post one last time to clear a few things up.

my dm is not elderly, she is in her early 60s and is fit and healthy.

Dm asked to have them. I did not ask her. I encouraged the children to go as they’d seemed to have fun when there previously. And I have to encourage them to do and go to lots of things - it’s part of parenting.

i posted 2 days after they got home. my dc mentioning it the day after it happened. We’d gotten back at younger dcs bedtime the day of the incident. It’s not been a week of stewing on it.

I wasn’t there so I don’t know exactly what happened. I haven’t wanted to dc again so as not to make too big a deal (and they’d have their own version of events no doubt) so haven’t gotten details other than what dm said about them getting too far away. if it were me I would have firstly said to them they needed to stay closer as I was worried about them getting lost and then if they were still wondering too far either played the game where they run to the next sign/shop/ lamppost etc and wait or held their hands depending on what was appropriate at the time/where we were.

yes dd12 was walking with dm so she was with dm when she hid/went to hide.

if your dc always listen first time to everything an adult tells them then well done on your unicorn children. Mine are not unicorns and will sometimes forget/get excited/ not be paying attention and so on. Which I think is normal for all people let alone kids.

Like I said previously - helpful to get different perspectives. My settled in position is - I’m not as angry but still think it was out of order. Have told dc (dm came up in conversation about something else and dd8 said she was upset with gran and didn’t want to go stay again - before anyone else thinks they lack resilience) I’ve said they didn’t deserve that, that I’d speak to my dm and they don’t have to go again to stay as dm seems to find it too tiring and stressful. And that’s been the extent of any further conversations about it since the day after we got back.

OP posts:
0sm0nthus · 08/04/2024 17:11

FloofCloud · 08/04/2024 12:42

My MIL is horrible too to our children, said things like spoilt brat (they really aren't), the cat ran away because it saw your ugly face (to my 5 year old), why are you always so filthy (to my DS 6 who spent the day playing in the garden, had a bath and made a tide mark, 'what's this?' Poking and grabbing at my DD13's tummy
She's a narcissistic cow!! I have gone very low contact with them and my children don't want to visit her ... now she's complaining that she never gets a visit 🤷‍♀️ tough really isn't it!

Fucking hell, I'd pay her a visit if she did that to my kids!!!
(a visit following which I would be arrested no doubt, so good job no-one has tried that with me)

brocollilover · 08/04/2024 17:21

* And I have to encourage them to do and go to lots of things - it’s part of parenting.*

NOT with people you say is “deliberately unkind” and that you had a very difficult childhood and now have a difficult relationship with her

good grief… what makes you think this was “part of parenting”?!

Original poster
Itsalwayssomething · 08/04/2024 17:27

Funny how on a thread about people being unkind people feel the need to come on and be unkind

because I’m human - because relationships are complicated - because I thought/hoped dm was doing better with my dc - because kids seemed to enjoy the visits previously - berating me is not kind or helpful. I was asking for help with how to deal with the situation. Unfortunately going back in time and changing my actions is not one of them

OP posts: