Am I being gas lit, or am I crazy?

[Wormworld7]

A few nights ago I got into a very petty disagreement with my partner. It probably doesn't matter the topic, so I won't get into it, this happens often and always over very little petty things. He gets angry and frustrated very quickly into a conflict. He has no patience to listen to why I'm upset and instead dismisses me, tells me I'm argumentative or ruining his evening/week because I want to have a healthy conversation about whatever it is. He tells me I should get over it, calls me pathetic and I need to learn how to move on. He then gives me silent treatment until I try to talk.about it again, where we repeat the same cycle - he will say things like "You're still going on about that", "why can't you jist drop things", "I'm so done with this", "you ruin my life" and it quickly becomes him saying he's done with me, I should leave, I'm awful to be around etc. Then once we're at loggerheads, everything around the house is 10x more of a problem and I swear he actually becomes a nasty bully. Calling me lazy, jist generally being not very nice.

Is it normal to expect a man to be able to want to work things out after conflict? Is it reasonable to expect at some point we would have to have a conversation about whatever happened, no matter how petty, if i feel unheard should I fight to be heard/seen? Am I pathetic for not just dropping "petty" things, when I have feelings I need to express?!

impossible to tell from this, maybe you do keep harping on and on about things that should just be dropped, and keep wanting to rehash disagreements and are entrenched in your own point of view. You call it a healthy discussion, but it sounds anything but, to me. But he clearly is hating the whole relationship and you both sound completely miserable, and why don't you just call it a day and move on?

this looks exactly like my case … I’m sorry I don’t know how to help here

I wouldn't call it gaslighting but he's not being very nice to you is he? Isn't your partner supposed to love and care for you and want to be nice to you? Isn't that kind of the point of having one?

Yeah the first few years until they marry you and get you

You call it a healthy conversation about a petty subject, he calls it bringing up an argument that's done with and starting it over again. Some people don't want to rehash everything, especially when it's petty. Neither of you is wrong, you're just not compatible. Arguing about petty shit can easily become constant, if it's petty then it's not worth starting an argument let alone rehashing it.

It’s hard to say, obviously you should expect your partner to hear you over genuine issues. Oh the other hand. Going on and on about petty issues and wanting resolutions over petty issues isn’t really unreasonable. So if, for example, you got into an argument because you don’t like the way he hangs his shirts and you want him to do it differently and keep going on about it, I would say that is petty and unreasonable. On the other hand if it’s about a genuine issue like finances or future plans then yes, obviously he should be listening to your views around that.

Well I don't get a chance to harp on because 2 seconds in he's almost literally got his hands on his ears going "lalalalalal im not listening, just end it there, the end, stop goimg on" and I don't get a chance to be heard. It was never goimg to be an argument just a conversation. So then whenever I get an opportunity I do try and discuss it and I get told I'm goimg on, because we have an unresolved issue that I'm upset over. And now I'm upset about the way its being handled.

Have you got children?
Have you somewhere to go ?

Okay so the argument wasn't really about the thing that was petty. It was about some frigging blinds ffs lol. I asked him to shut them and he insisted they were fully closed when they weren't. He got up and did it, huffing and puffing it didn't make a difference and I tried to explain to him how they let light in in the morning when they're like that, and wake me and our baby. It wasn't about that, it was how he handled it. He jist got aggressive and angry and dismissive before I even had a chance. He kept just repeating it made no difference and calling me pathetic.

There was no argument and it wasn't done with.. it was just a normal conversation about some blinds until he jist started having a meltdown and going nuts, but telling me I'm pathetic and carrying on, when I didn't get a chance to make my point in the first place as he lept shooting me down.

We've a 10 month old and I have a 17 year old who also lives here. I don't really have anywhere to go, no

Sounds like he’s stonewalling you? Basically ignores the issue or you until you drop it. Possibly DARVO? (Read up about it). It sounds like he’s trying to train you so that eventually you won’t call him on anything because it’s not worth the fall out.
Gaslighting is more like ‘You know on Sunday you said you’d call Kevin today?’..them: ‘Call Kevin? I never said I’d call Kevin! You’re making that up!’. I asked XH to look at a parenting book I’d mentioned previously. He claimed he’d never heard of the book before, this was the first he’d heard of it, nope, I’d never raised it with him! Except I found a text where I’d sent him the link so he could view it on the Kindle 🤷🏻‍♀️ Note he’s now an XH!
Ultimately, I’m assuming this situation makes you miserable? He’s not likely to change..so are you going to live like this forever? Or are you going to take charge of your life?

Exactly. He has 0 empathy for me. I don't understand how he turns into this monster during a conflict. He's not the same person.

well, a crack in the blinds is not going to wake a baby, is it, so it does seem petty, and not worth a row about, plus if you want them closed better, you can just do it yourself.

I'd suggest you leave - you both sound miserable

Doesn't sound healthy at all

Yes he is 100% stonewalling, I've become very familiar with the term.

The gas lighting is more that, he starts the conflict imo, but he tells me it's me doing it. All I want is some patience and just for him to listen, but by refusing to listen he makes it look like it's me who is keeping it going. He continues to say things that allude to me being the one causing the problems. I ruined his week off with all this. All this over some blinds. When obviously it isn't over blinds and I haven't ruined anything, I was always there ready and willing to resolve it in a mature way once it got heated.

No.
Credentials: married 30 years - leave him.

Lol the crack in the blinds has been waking the baby every day last week. The way the sun rises ot shines right in our direction. And if the blinds aren't shit tight enough the sun beams in. I could see the outside wall before he closed them. Also, it wasn't about that. I got upset because he got angry and aggressive about it straight away, without hearing me out. He kept denying my reality, as you've just done lol. If your wife tells you the crack in the blinds has woken the baby up everyday this week, why wouldn't you trust her? Why deny that and tell her it's pathetic and makes no difference, when she knows it does?!.

How long have you been together? How long have you been living together? How does your older child feel about it?

It sounds very much like what I’m going through, brushes everything under the carpet, so used to someone else dealing with his problems, I’m in the process of leaving my DH, with my young kids (not suggesting you should do that) but try ask him to go to therapy? Get him to understand his problems? Something I wish my DH was open to

good luck!

because a. it doesn't make any difference to a baby and b. close the blind yourself if you don't like how he does it!

But as I have said - just leave - you clearly don't like each other - what is the point?

Been together 4 years, lived together for just 1.5
Older daughter calls us both out when we're wrong, but knows that he has emotionally immature tendencies and she tries to sometimes talk to him about how better to handle conflict. Which he actually takes on board. Which I'm.aware is not her role. Obviously the whole thing is upsetting for her to be around especially week long conflicts that could have been resolved in 10 minutes of respectful listening

To be honest if I was him I would be annoyed. Why didn’t you just get up and shut the blinds yourself? Why make it into a big deal by criticising the way he’s shut them? It’s absolutely fine for you to want them shut a certain way, but if that’s the case do it yourself. It’s not really reasonable for you to expect him to do it your way, I would find being constantly nagged at and criticised the way I did things hard to deal with and it’s sort of no wonder he would end up getting annoyed and dismissive. That said, obviously being aggressive isn’t ever reasonable, but it does sound like you are pushing him to feel annoyed unnecessarilly if it’s usual for you to be pulling him up over these kind of non issues.

You're missing the entire point. Its not about how he closed the blind. And it makes a big difference to the baby lol why are you also denying my reality. I wake up with my baby every morning and when the light comes glaring throigh, he wakes up to it. Its about how he handles conflict or even just turns what should be a normal non confrontational conversation, into something way more sinister.

Are you projecting onto me because I haven't given any hints or clues to not liking eachother here? Obviously this is jist a snippet of pur relationship, which is otherwise very happy.

are you married? You called yourself his wife in the last post but partner earlier. Im trying to see how entangled you are.

as ultimately this is not a good relationship and is actively damaging your daughter. Appalling this is now her role.