Am I being gas lit, or am I crazy?

[Wormworld7]

A few nights ago I got into a very petty disagreement with my partner. It probably doesn't matter the topic, so I won't get into it, this happens often and always over very little petty things. He gets angry and frustrated very quickly into a conflict. He has no patience to listen to why I'm upset and instead dismisses me, tells me I'm argumentative or ruining his evening/week because I want to have a healthy conversation about whatever it is. He tells me I should get over it, calls me pathetic and I need to learn how to move on. He then gives me silent treatment until I try to talk.about it again, where we repeat the same cycle - he will say things like "You're still going on about that", "why can't you jist drop things", "I'm so done with this", "you ruin my life" and it quickly becomes him saying he's done with me, I should leave, I'm awful to be around etc. Then once we're at loggerheads, everything around the house is 10x more of a problem and I swear he actually becomes a nasty bully. Calling me lazy, jist generally being not very nice.

Is it normal to expect a man to be able to want to work things out after conflict? Is it reasonable to expect at some point we would have to have a conversation about whatever happened, no matter how petty, if i feel unheard should I fight to be heard/seen? Am I pathetic for not just dropping "petty" things, when I have feelings I need to express?!

Some odd responses here
the guys calling you names, telling you to leave, and stonewalling you
he’s at best communicating in a cruel, immature way.
realistically hes actively cruel, shuts you down and is somewhat abusive.
you can’t communicate, he’s unwilling to try, wether that’s because of how you approach it or not, he’s clearly not looking to fix any issues. He seems awful. No one deserves to be treated so awfully, your partner is meant to love respect and care about you and he’s not doing any of that

It does t matter how ‚happy‘ it is if for most of it you are worried about how he will react to the slightest conflict. That isnt a good relationship.

You're missing the point. I never said the way he did it wasn't good enough. He couldn't accept that it made a difference. We obviously share the same baby. He obviously should want us all to have a sound sleep. The baby is going throigh a sleep regression as it is. The same argument could have ensued had I shit them myself, because his point was that it made no difference and he wouldn't hear my perspective that it makes quote a big difference. Jist like leaving the freezer door open the tiniest amount, can literally defrost all the food.

And no, I dont nag at him for the way he does things. This wasn't that. He's actually the nag and I jave to constantly remind him not to micro manage the way I do things.

why do you keep saying people who disagree with you are "denying my reality"? is this how you respond when your partner disagrees with you? Also, you are contradicting yourself a lot

Thank you for this. This is exactly what I feel and I'm glad you've validated that. I'm shocked at some of the responses here defending that behaviour and also.making it about the blinds lol. He keeps saying "all this over some blinds" ITS NOT ABOUT THE DAMN BLINDS!!

I'm sorry you're going through that. I've suggested therapy before. He wasn't against it at one point. And then the next time I mentioned it, it was a big issue. His mood fluctuates as does his tolerance to conflict.

We are not married by law, I don't really believe in it. I am as committed as a wife. We just have no paperwork.

How can somebody who doesn't live in my house and lie in my bed, tell me the blinds being slightly open make 0 difference to our wake pattern, when they do? I'm saying it as a fact, because it is a fact. That is my reality. How can that point be dissagreed with here? It's the literal fact in the post. That's not what this post is even about. It's not about blinds lol.

Well yes I'm.aware of that, my point was that we don't hate eachother, nor do we get into conflict all the time. Just whenever it does, this is where it circles.

I'm married to a similar character OP. I've never understood why he behaves in this way. It's as if he thinks I'm lying about these silly little issues and refuses to acknowledge they matter. However when the boot is on the other foot I get my arse handed to me. I've found the best way is to do stuff myself and just ignore his infantile behaviour. To be honest If I was younger I'd probably be gone but not so easy in your current position. I do feel for you.

So, no. Youre not as committed as a wife because you are not legally married. And if you dont believe in marriage, why refer to yourself as his wife?

Read your response here again op. This isnt healthy. If youre happy with it most of the time, your daughter is still being affected by it. It isnt a good environment for her.

What is your actual problem lol. I do not believe in having to legally bind oneself with documentation to live as husband and wife. And I never said it was healthy. I said we don't hate eachother and are still happy much of the time. Look of you can't relate and don't get it, stop commenting.

Thank you. These are the kind of comments i hoped would bring me some feelings of solidarity, at the very least. And exactly the same, when the boots on the other foot, he goes on and on, it's actually beyond ironic. He literally nags an awful lot about the way I do things around the home, always recognises and points out what I've not done, rarely gives positive feedback on what I haven't done. Just a very negative mindset all round.

Do you think you might need help communicating in a healthy way, as well as your partner?

No, i dont. I am willing to communicate. I don't get much practice at it, with somebody who is unwilling and calling me names before I've even had a chance to try. But I am always ready and willing to sit down and discuss with love, kindness and patience at the forefront of it.

I can understand why you are annoyed but I think you perhaps need to take a harder look at how you communicate about these little irritations.

There are ways of saying "Can you shut the blinds more carefully" which are non-confrontational and which might produce a better outcome. I would have waited until the baby woke up the next morning and then said something like "Perhaps we should make sure the blinds are closed more tightly tonight and see if that makes a difference". No-one likes to be told that they are doing something wrong but there are ways of subtly encouraging them to change their behaviour without being accusatory.

I understand what you are saying, but he wasn't doing anything wrong. He perceives every comment to be criticism, when it isn't. Yet he literally mumbles under his breath much of the day and is heavily critical when it comes to the way I do things.

There was nothing wrong at all with HOW he closed the blinds. The issue arose because he did not want to hear my reasoning as to why it mattered. He called me pathetic for caring over "nanometres" difference. The baby isn't sleeping well atm as it is, so I didn't want to shoot down any chance I got for a lie in past sunrise and I just wanted to share that with him, like team players should?

I don't know, it didn't seem confrontational to me until I was being called pathetic and told I never drop things because he wasn't accepting what I was saying. When I said I could see the outside wall before he closed them, and after I couldn't, he denied that and essentially said I was making it up 😂 said I'm.not.wearung my glasses and questioned my.jidgement. I feel.like I'm in a courtroom.

We're on the same team. Is it so crazy to think he could have just said "oh does it let the light right in in the morming, that's shit, totally get why that makes a difference to us all" but instead had to continue challenging my words and calling me pathetic for caring about the "0 difference "according to him.

No, it's supposed to last a lifetime.

I told my husband that the gap down the side of the blind was waking me and our baby (despite some posters believing that is literally impossible!) and he went and found some tape to make extra sure it wouldn't happen in future.

It wasn't a favour to me - it's in everyone's best interest for the baby to get enough sleep so I wouldn't be pussyfooting around, pretending to make the discovery after another dawn awakening as suggested by a previous poster. If you can't say something trivial about blinds to your partner without having to plan in advance or involve yourself in an elaborate pantomime about it then what the fuck is the point?!

You have a man who somehow has learnt that he is never at fault or can be blamed for anything. This seems to centre around him being asked to do something for you.
Perhaps he just doesn't respect you enough to want to do things for you. Do you complain about the way he does things a lot, or is it him doing things badly on purpose to get out of being asked again? It's hard to tell, he may be being defensive because he's expecting you to find fault, or it's a him problem.
You do have an odd turn of phrase regarding marriage though. It's not a belief system, it's legal protection for partners to half of family assets in recognition that housework and child rearing is as valid a contribution as paid work, no matter who does it. The only times it's not needed is if both partners earn the same, own equal value assets and do the same amount of housework and childcare- and that is a situation as rare as hens teeth.

He behaved that way to shut you up. It's rude, aggressive and unnecessary.

You could try counselling to help better communication. You should also consider if you would be better splitting

Your dd should not be emotionally supporting either of you.

Hi @Wormworld7

You are not at all crazy. You are describing some key aspects of verbally abusive relationships - you can't get a resolution to your concerns, he gives you angry reactions or silent treatment to shut you down, and no matter what you do you simply can't get conversations to go anywhere productive.

The short explanation is that normal relationships require two people who are interested in communicating to understand each other and find solutions that work for everyone. But it only takes one person who is more interested in winning or shutting down a conversation, to prevent any real communication from happening. If you are the person who is seeking connection and negotiation you will generally keep trying to interact with the other person as if that is what they want too. However, in the case of your partner, he seems more focused on shutting down the conversation and making it uncomfortable for you to raise anything with him. In other words, he is not coming to the table to communicate in a normal way and there is no magic communication formula you will be able to use to get him to do so.

The one resource you need to read is Patricia Evan's 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship', or google her to find interviews or articles about her book:

https://www.verbalabuse.com/how-to-know-read-this-first/

Also, this series explains aspects of conversational control, which is a theory of Dr Torna Pitman:

You are not alone with this problem and just know that once you begin to get clear about what is going on things become a lot less confusing.

It's unacceptable behaviour and that's all you need to understand about the situation.

This won't get any better and you're already suffering from his behaviour.

End the relationship.