Am I being gas lit, or am I crazy?

[Wormworld7]

A few nights ago I got into a very petty disagreement with my partner. It probably doesn't matter the topic, so I won't get into it, this happens often and always over very little petty things. He gets angry and frustrated very quickly into a conflict. He has no patience to listen to why I'm upset and instead dismisses me, tells me I'm argumentative or ruining his evening/week because I want to have a healthy conversation about whatever it is. He tells me I should get over it, calls me pathetic and I need to learn how to move on. He then gives me silent treatment until I try to talk.about it again, where we repeat the same cycle - he will say things like "You're still going on about that", "why can't you jist drop things", "I'm so done with this", "you ruin my life" and it quickly becomes him saying he's done with me, I should leave, I'm awful to be around etc. Then once we're at loggerheads, everything around the house is 10x more of a problem and I swear he actually becomes a nasty bully. Calling me lazy, jist generally being not very nice.

Is it normal to expect a man to be able to want to work things out after conflict? Is it reasonable to expect at some point we would have to have a conversation about whatever happened, no matter how petty, if i feel unheard should I fight to be heard/seen? Am I pathetic for not just dropping "petty" things, when I have feelings I need to express?!

This! I second the very odd responses from some.

Your partner/ husband is very emotionally immature and disrespectful.

Thank you. This perspective is everything I'm trying to say here! I'm glad the normals have come out today lol yesterday's comments were so weird. This is the reaction I'd expect from a team player.

We own 0 assets, both have the same income and we both have an equal share in the chores and housework. We have no legal reason to be married on paper, there would be absolutely nothing to fight for upon breaking up. No, I don't moan at him constantly or pick at him for the way he does stuff. He does a lot for us, he doesn't complain about that. HE is constantly moaning at me for the ways I do stuff, it's pretty exhausting and I've reminded him not to micro manage me, or to ask kindly when he sees something that needs doing, that i haven't yet seen. This seems to.be a communication issue, above anything else.

Thank you, this describes exactly what I feel, and although I've been patient until now and just seen it as him simply not having the tools to communicate, it has started to feel lile abuse and power. I will check out the link, thank you

I'm aware that DD should not be involved or.supporting anybody. I feel a lot of guilt for this. I've suggested counselling in the past and it seems the only way we may be able to ever move forward. That's if we ever get through this particular episode because I am.at my wits end already

Thank you

I swear I mist have been being trolled last night. The responses were really weird to me and felt very attacking for no reason!

Wow, if anything, you were being gaslit at the beginning of this thread. It’s not you, OP. You’re allowed to say things without getting shouted at and called names. Stonewalling is abuse, the way he loses his shit when you ask him to do something or stick to a point, is coercion and is also abuse. Look on the Turn2us calculator and see what you’d be able to live on if you leave, you can’t live like this, believe me. It’s also a really damaging example for your 17 year old and will not improve over time.

can you not see that what you are describing as love, kindness and patience is likely to be being experienced as harassment?

It is a shame you got those responses but it is also predictable because we're not taught how to communicate, and also in general we tend to see men as reasonable and women as emotional/crazy/etc. Try not to take it to heart because the posts say less about your situation and more about the individual who wrote the post and how they see the world.

You did an amazing job of responding to them by the way, and it was clear from your answers that you are NOT going to be gaslit by anyone. You do know what is going on and you can trust yourself.

Yes I’ve been there too OP and I feel for you, it’s exhausting trying to resolve everyday household issues with someone who refuses to listen or discuss anything. I am increasingly convinced that knowing how to resolve conflicts together is one of the most important aspects of a long term relationship, if not the most important..

Please ignore the trolls OP, they are not worthy of a reply. You are definitely being verbally abused by your OH, it must be exhausting being cross examined over every request or comment by Mr Always right! I'm afraid he won't get any better because he can't/wont be challenged. I couldn't live with someone like this l'd be looking to separate.

Honestly, you both sound as bad as each other. If you do not like the way he closes the blinds, and it doesn't meet your exacting standards, do it yourself! It sounds like a poor relationship and I don't see either of you working on improving that. You want things your way, so does he. That isn't a recipe for being "very happy".

I haven't RTFT but no matter the details - your feelings are valid and your partner should be listening to and acknowledging them.

It has nothing to do with HOW he closed the blinds. I asked him to do it because we co sleep and baby often wakes up If i move from the bed. So it makes more logical sense for him to do it. I'm.more than willing to work on things, but that takes two people willing and I'm not met woth the same enthusiasm to work through problems. I don't know why I'm responding tk this comment, if you think it's acceptable to tell somebody they're pathetic because they're trying to explain the difference between the blinds before and after adjustments, then you're jist as bad as him

I agree. It is THE most important aspect. And I just don't get a chance to ever practice that because I'm always alone in willingness to do it.my communication skills aren't perfect, but I don't resort to name calling and aggression 4 seconds into something. Those things make it impossible

Thank you for this. It means a lot..I'm very certain of myself..well j was until I came here lol. And I get into these back and forth with him that make me.question my certainty. I don't get how it escalates so fast. I know it isn't me who has 0 patience and is making it difficult. It's jist hard when someone is telling you you're the problem constantly. Makes you question your sanity

@Wormworld7 I feel for you so much reading everyone's responses.

I am so sorry that the majority of replies seem to invalidate / judge you when you were asking for advice.

It sounds like your DP has an extremely toxic / immature response to any perceived criticism / communication about difficult subjects.
Whether he is doing it intentionally or not it can be so damaging to your mental health, trust in him and your self esteem. He's effectively conditioning you to never question him, or give him any form of feedback / criticism (constructive or not) and he's effectively punishing you when you do by dragging out the conflict for much longer than needs be.

We can give you all the advice in the world, but the problem is with his communication style, not yours, and unfortunately you can't change his reactions, only he can.

Have a look at the Gottman Institute for conflict advice and tips on how to improve communication.
When you do have these conversations try to be aware of his non-verbal cues if he seems to be getting upset / angry / disrespectful then leave the conversation, and come back together later once you've both calmed down. Tell him you wont tolerate any disrespect, and as soon as name calling starts then you will leave the conversation. Have a "Safe word" that you can both use when you feel yourself spinning out of control and want to end the conversation. Try the mirroring technique where you repeat each others concerns back to each other, to make sure you heard each other correctly.

In you OP some of this things he says to you are so dismissive, disrespectful and actually quite defensive of him - he need to work on this side of his communication because he's eroding the trust between you, and without trust you have nothing.

I also think it's worth mentioning that you need to try to remember that feelings aren't facts we can be so easily lead by our emotions, and utterly convinced that our "reality" is the correct / true reality. It's simply not true. More self awareness around your reactions / part in the conflict is the key to you realising that you are not always right, and he is not always wrong.

Either way I imagine a baby doesn't help when it comes to petty digs and conflict if you're both tired, so give yourself some slack here. You're a team, and should have love, respect and trust in one another. If he's not willing to drop his shitty attitude, and negative lens on life then I'd personally drop him, and find someone who can give you what you need. Respect from a loved one is the bare minimum to expect!

Either way I understand how hard it is when you love someone with this communication style and they refuse to change / grow, but ultimately you need to put yourself, and your children, first, and teach them that this is not how relationships are supposed to be.

Have a read of this too... I found it very helpful
https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

P.S So sorry for the essay!!

Thank you so much for the most useful reply I've had here. Everything you've said is spot on. I'd love to explore some better techniques to better communicate, as you can imagine we don't really get to that stage, and it's sort of just survival mode every time. We just about scrape by. And I'm aware my reactions aren't always the best, but I also don't think it's fair that I need react to any of this stuff in the first place. No matter how many times it happens, it always takes me by complete surprise, as if its the first time.

He is a smart person. So im always dumbfounded by his behaviour. I can never get my head around how he thinks that he's choosing the easier route out. He's going the longest way around something that only need be a 10 minute conversation at best. And once we've done this whole week instead and the conversation obviously needs to be a lot deeper and bigger, that's all he remembers. That my "talks" go on for hours. Well naturally, they do when we've don't this all week and I'm stacking feelings on top of feelings.

It's still going on. The fight happened Sunday night and still today he persists with telling me he's "done". He's been telling me all week to sort somewhere to live, yet in the next breath says if I'm choosing to leave then that's on me. It's lile his ego simply cannot back down once it gets to a certain point.

He thinks so black and white. So if were not talking then I'm the worst person in the world, I make his life miserable and I've never made him happy. Then when we make up, he takes all of that back. Whereas even during conflict, I can put my ego aside and still tell him I think he's brilliant in many other ways etc. It's all consuming for him and I do feel.quite sorry for him!

A crack in the blinds most certainly will wake up a large number of babies hence existence of the baby blackout blinds that Velcro all around the window frame.

If you had daylight-sleeping babies then bully for you but the OP is saying that the light wakes up her baby.

Thank you. That was exactly it. I perhaps wouldn't have known this, if I hadn't woken up every morning last week to beaming sun through the cracks in the blinds. Every person who replied to argue that was surely trolling. The argument was never about blinds, how he did them or the crack in them. It was always about the fact he dismissed me when I tried to explain why it did make a difference and essentially, like a child, covered his ears going "lalalala not listening!" Which isn't very team player to me. And then he got aggressive immediately and started calling me pathetic. It was never about blinds and this example is transferable to most of our disagreements

I agree with previous posters who have said there have been some weird replies to you on this thread.

There has also been some great advice given to you too.

I feel like your banging your head against a brick wall trying to have a civilised conversation with your partner. This will never change. He is being abusive to you and this is not normal in a healthy relationship.

It's so easy for me to say but please think about leaving him. It will never get better. Do it for your sanity and your gorgeous children.

Sending you strength and hugs ❤️

Thank you. The current situation is I've gone to his mother, and she's been brilliant! She was so sorry for what I've been going through and they've had some words with him and he's gone to stay there.

I do believe people can change. And I don't believe he means to be this way. But I'm at the end of my tether with it now and I won't be backing down this time without a major epiphany and some big changes.

I'm glad you have some breathing space.

I too believe people can change. I don't know if your partner can but you know him best and I hope you can work it out.

Take care of yourself and also take this time to think about what you really want in life ❤️

OP I feel for you. I have an ex partner who was like this: perceived everything as a criticism, stonewalled me (for hours, days or weeks), couldn’t discuss anything, wouldn’t ever see my point of view or show he cared about how I felt. Nothing ever got resolved, and I didn’t feel loved or respected.

I tied myself in knots for years trying to adapt to him, make allowances for him. We went to therapy. I talked to his friends and parents to try to better understand how he communicated and how I could help. I read books on avoidant attachment styles, and healthy relationships and tried to put it into practice.

He never changed, and the more I accommodated him the worse it got.

Eventually I reasoned that (a) he couldn’t help it / didn’t see what he was doing, or (b) he knew what he was doing, which was worse because it was intentional. Either way, nothing could change.

I eventually left him, saying the relationship was damaged beyond repair, and I wasn’t going to explain to him any further because I’d tried for years to make him understand and it hadn’t worked.

At that point, he suddenly became communicative, understood everything I was saying and claimed to be willing to change. It was too late, and the final nail in the coffin, because he essentially admitted that all along his behaviour had been intentional - a form of control.

I’m not saying your partner is the same, but I read a lot about these kinds of men on MN. I wish someone had told me straight before I wasted years on someone who (I now realise) was so deeply unhappy and insecure that they couldn’t do otherwise than undermine me.

I’m now I’m a happy relationship with a man who genuinely likes me, and it’s everything I knew it should be.

It certainly shouldn’t be as hard as you’re finding it. You deserve ordinary, decent communication. You deserve to be prioritised and loved.

I can sense in some of your replies that you’re becoming defensive and rattled. (Understandably, because some replies have been very unhelpful and accusatory.) But I got like this too - don’t underestimate how much his behaviour can change you for the worse, as you have to constantly stand up for yourself and beg for scraps of decency. I wouldn’t want to go through that again. I hope you get out.