Am I being gas lit, or am I crazy?

[Wormworld7]

A few nights ago I got into a very petty disagreement with my partner. It probably doesn't matter the topic, so I won't get into it, this happens often and always over very little petty things. He gets angry and frustrated very quickly into a conflict. He has no patience to listen to why I'm upset and instead dismisses me, tells me I'm argumentative or ruining his evening/week because I want to have a healthy conversation about whatever it is. He tells me I should get over it, calls me pathetic and I need to learn how to move on. He then gives me silent treatment until I try to talk.about it again, where we repeat the same cycle - he will say things like "You're still going on about that", "why can't you jist drop things", "I'm so done with this", "you ruin my life" and it quickly becomes him saying he's done with me, I should leave, I'm awful to be around etc. Then once we're at loggerheads, everything around the house is 10x more of a problem and I swear he actually becomes a nasty bully. Calling me lazy, jist generally being not very nice.

Is it normal to expect a man to be able to want to work things out after conflict? Is it reasonable to expect at some point we would have to have a conversation about whatever happened, no matter how petty, if i feel unheard should I fight to be heard/seen? Am I pathetic for not just dropping "petty" things, when I have feelings I need to express?!

this issue was invented by people who wanted to sell black out blinds that velcro all around the window 😂

Thank you. I'm so glad to hear you saved yourself and got out and settled with somebody who truly respects you. Because that's what it feels like, a lack of respect.

I go from wondering is he really that emotionally immature, or does he infact actually know what he's doing. At the end of a week stonewalling, I can sometimes get a glimmer of light that shows me he does in fact know what he's doing. He maintains he can't help it, it's like a fight or flight response. But he is aware of it. But why he chooses this is beyond me. But then blames me for dragging it out. I'm supposed to just drop it whilst he's stonewalling me (I think). I'm not even sure what he wants his rules to be.

I 100% become a terrible person because of it. I've acted like a crazy person all week. Because the silent treatment constantly being told its me who is the problem is physically painful for me to deal with. It causes a physiological response in my body. I'm by no means perfect, I can be a know it all, stubborn and I'm not always the best around the house. I'm trying to learn and grow. But I know I'm not abusive. I'm not aggressive and I'm pretty sure I have enough self awareness to check myself. I can get defensive when I'm told something I think I know, but if I'm genuinely wrong I like to think I come back later and admit that.

I don't see that human element in him, and its so damn weird!

Silent treatment is abusive.
I cringe when I look back on how I behaved in my marriage at times. There is such a thing as reactive abuse. My XH would push and push and push and then be like ‘Aha!’ if I bit and responded. I was the worst version of myself with him.

I know exactly how you feel - it takes so much energy trying to work out why he behaves like this, and how you can fix it!

My ex also said he couldn’t help it, but it was a lie, because he didn’t treat family, friends or colleagues in the same way. He couldn’t get away with being disrespectful, illogical, or childish around those people.

Living with him made me so on edge and suspicious of everyone. Everything was allegedly my fault, and I was an awful person. If I ever said to him “you’ve said X and it upset me”, his reply was “how dare you tell me I’m a bad person! I won’t be told I’m a bad person!” Or “Look at you, playing the victim!” (When he was really the one playing the victim!!) So my feelings were always invalidated, and I felt like I was going crazy.

The best thing I did was to stop thinking about his feelings, and figure him out, and solve his problem. I had to focus on myself and my own standards. Was his behaviour acceptable by my standards? (No!) Was this any way to live? (No!)

Yes. That is 100% it. I'm familiar with the term reactive abuse because I've stumbled across it when trying to figure myself out. The way that I'm reacting, I'm.aware of, is monstrous. But I'm.being pushed to the edge and I feel lile the way he's pushing me, isn't as obviously crazy, so it might look to some like IM the crazy one.

I do jist think that, this is his first ever relationship where he is expected to be so close to somebody and to have that type of mutual respect. Hes gotten away with living at his mum and dad's house (until he was 30) and not having to emotionally grow up. He's also the youngest of 4 boys, and the father has clearly been the same to his mother. Ive witnessed it myself and I never want to end up living that life in 40 years time.

I think when we first got together, he saw his mother and father's longevity as some sort of achievement, but since I've outed them as a very disconnected couple, I think he does actually see that that's not what he wants. I jist think he has no idea how to get from where he is now, to a place of improvement.

He can admit he wants to change, when really pushed after he's exhausted all the stonewalling for weeks. But then its soon forgotten and he does no active Work on himself in the meantime. He says that I find this stuff fun (which I sort of do, researching how to better myself and work on myself etc) but he finds it very hard. I found a guy on YouTube, Jimmy on relationships, and I thought it might help him. He describes much of pur dynamic. It's helped me loads, in understanding him. But he just doesn't make an effort to.actively pursue it. That would mean not being able to Bury his head in the sand. And criticising himself, which makes him feel like a piece of shit.

Any child woken up by a crack of light coming in between two blinds is best taught how to cope with this, or will end up being one of those people who are totally socially incapacitated by needing total blackout to sleep

I had a word with my 10 month old, he suggested an eye mask. I told him not to be so silly and to just suck it up before he becomes socially incapacitated. He said he will see what he can do in the morning. Only time will tell.

I can so identify with you OP. It is frightening how similar these men are. I too still wonder if they are acting this way on purpose or if it is unconscious behavior? As if that would really make a difference...
It has taken me decades to begin to understand where the problems lie and to see the patterns of disrespect and coercive control. One thing I am pretty sure of is that we are deceiving ourselves if we believe that they can change.

Another pattern I see is with women like us that allow ourselves to be treated so poorly by them and yet we still love them. Why is this? I think we need to concentrate on loving ourselves (and our children) .

Can any of the pp tell us how they went about freeing themselves ? This is probably our biggest dilemma. Good luck dear OP.

If its about some blinds why dont you just drop it?

Sounds like a power struggle.

Have you not encounted anything like this before with any previous relationships, with your daughter's father for example ? If you havn't you've been quite lucky.

Years ago this would have been called meeting your match but really it's abusive behaviour but you also sound like you want your own way. Usually these relationships only last if one party backs down, you won't and he certainly won't so you have a stalemate.

It will get worse overtime, the disagreements can be over the most trivial of things, choices made whether it be wallpaper, new cars, furnishings etc, all will lead to him shutting down conversations until he wins. He will wear you down to the point whereby you will not care anymore for the fight and let him have his own way, that is how many women survive.

Your relationship has come under pressure due to the baby, it would be the same if you age and get ill, they don't want to give, they take.
He clearly doesn't mind losing the connection, which is what happens, the stonewalling happens more often, and for a longer duration, it's a form of torture, you trying to communicate to keep the connection going and ultimately he doesn't give a shit, he needs to win.

He won't improve, I've never known someone who uses this abusive tactic to stop, they just move on, unpeturbed by losing you until it's too late.
It's pointless really you may as well live with a brick for all the logical communication you need to keep a respectful relationship going, it's weird really as they can be so loving these men but only if they get their own way all the time.

But that's not love.

You will have to let go for your own sanity and your daughter's.

That sounds like a massively toxic environment for the children. You need couples counselling. Talk to the 17 year old about how it's affecting her and then tell DH that you need couples counseling for the wellbeing of the kids

ThisNiftyMintCat counselling isn’t advised if there’s abuse in a relationship and that’s what indicated in some of the OP’s posts. I did relate with now XH and he used it to manipulate the counsellor. I was told I was controlling! It lived with me for years and pushed me from standing up for myself to walking on eggshells.
RandomForest yes I agree. I realised after we split that so many of our choices were dictated by XH, but specifically from the negative of what he didn’t want! For example baby’s travel system came in different colours. Couldn’t have sky blue, rival football teams colours! Didn’t like y colour, wasn’t manly enough if he was pushing her 🤔 I had my kitchen replaced after he left..it took me months to chose a design because I was so used to him deciding what we would have or what he liked the least!
Whatareyoutalkingabout mine was death by a thousand cuts. It had been bad for years but I had a sudden change in circumstances where I was dependent on him for a while and he couldn’t hide his anger. A couple of friends (who have never met) pointed out he was controlling and then he said something unkind to me and it was like a ‘glass shattering’ moment. His drinking had escalated and his drunk behaviour made me lose respect for him.
I got back on my feet after the accident and then said that we’d tried but it wasn’t working and I thought we should separate. Initially he wanted a ‘trial separation’ which I agreed to in theory but he met someone else immediately. Honestly when he told me my first thought was ‘good, he’s got someone else to moan to now!’ 😂 It’s not easy being a single parent, money is very tight, but DD has come on so much since he moved out, I know it was the right decision.

In that case not only do you have no paperwork, you have no legal protection. If you separate or if he were to die you have no right to anything that he owns.

Neither of us own anything
, its not an issue

If my DH is annoyed about something, he'll just tell me without anger because he is able to be calm when annoyed.
If I feel my DH has done something wrong I can bring that up with him and he listens and if I've got a point he'll take it on board and make amends / aim not to do it again because our respect is mutual and we both believe neither of us is above criticism.
If emotions are tense in a situation (maybe we're running late and the kids are playing up, whatever), my DH (and me) will do things which reduce the tension like suggest one of us leaves the room to get some space and come back feeling calmer, or cracks a joke and gets us all laughing etc because he has self control and awareness over his emotions and can choose behaviour that makes it less likely he'll get to snapping point.
If my DH loses his temper (rare for the above reasons), he'll calm himself down then come back and won't blame others. We'll chat about what happened, and whoever needs to say sorry will say sorry and all be friends again because he can take responsibility for his own outbursts and his ego can cope with giving an apology and he's happy to let people know they've upset him in a calm way.

My DH is not unusual.

Your DH is ruled by his emotions (anger, irritation, frustration, resentment etc etc) and sees all of his emotional discomfort as being someone else's fault and sees no issue with inflicting that pov in the form of anger and insults and bad language on the people who are, for him, the most important people in the world.

That's a him problem.

We don't know if you nitpick a bit, but even if you do, it doesn't change the above and doesn't deserve the level of vitriol you are getting. At most it might warrant a bit of a chat.

I've read all your posts op, and all I can say is that thanks goodness you finally got some sensible replies you do understand team work and effective communication and he is working very hard against that.

I'm amazed you've stuck this out for 4 years. I know you said you're happy most of the time, but when you have a week of silent treatment for one tiny thing that's kinda irrelevant, the wheels are always going to come off that peace, and who wants a life partner who is only OK when there is zero rocking of his boat, he decides if the boat is even on the ocean and what the waves look like.... Madness.

The pp who gave fab advice about communication was really wise and helpful, but there's only you interested so unless he has a personality transplant or experiences some serious rarely seen level of personal growth you're still up poop creek without a paddle.

It doesn't sound fun op and I hope you and your kids can live in a predictably calm home one day.

Calling anyone pathetic rings alarm bells for me. It’s just not adult.

In all seriousness, does your DP know you're on MN? Is thrre any chance he could have created fake accounts to troll you on this? Because some of the inital responses from some posters just seem mental

I doubt it. Hes aware I use it occasionally, but he wouldn't have known I'd written this post or know where to find it! It's bizarre isn't it!? I'd never considered trolls in this forum, but after briefly entertaining them I realised they cannot be for real!

Sadly, I think men like this know exactly what they’re doing and it’s a form of control.

My ex used to stonewall me, then sidle up to me one afternoon and put a bar of chocolate next to me and walk away. Like that was meant to make everything better. I thought, “I don’t want chocolate, I want ordinary, adult, human communication.” Very occasionally after days of tension he would apologise. But rarely.

I still don’t understand where they get the brass neck to treat people like this. I’d feel dreadful if I stonewalled someone, or told them they were pathetic. I’d have no respect for myself. But the longer these men get away with it, and we try to appease or mend, the more confident they get.

OP, sadly it’s common for abuse to start or get worse during pregnancy or when you have a child - when they think you’re trapped with them, so they can treat you how they want.

The practicalities are always the toughest part - the thought of leaving your home, and where you’ll go.

I took the first opportunity that came along to move out temporarily, and in the few weeks I had there I put all the wheels in motion for us to live separately.

It was awful and I missed my home dreadfully to begin with. I was braced for feeling unhappy and unsettled for a long time as I got a new life together.

In reality, l couldn’t believe how quickly life was better without him!

@Wormworld7 you sound really petty!!! you create an argument rather than just fix something to the way you think it should be!!! dont keep bringing it up and rehashing because that just makes for another argument! grow up! get out of bed and shut the bloody blind the way you want then you cant moan!!

🤣🤣🤣

Are you the partner? If not I think you’ve missed the point.

He was in fact being objectionable because he was asked to do a simple thing like close the blind - and told the OP they were being pathetic! This is him creating a drama, then refusing to acknowledge it and accusing the OP of creating drama instead. Followed by stonewalling, which is abuse. A vicious and horrible cycle.

In any case, who wants a partner where you can’t even say “could you close the blind, love?” Without them denying it’s open and calling you pathetic! What a load of nonsense he’s causing!