WTAF? Dying friend, gaslighting husband?

Snowdrop89 · 2024-04-01T18:16:22+00:00

It’s long but I’ll try to stick to key points. A friend is dying of cancer - she’s close, was with me when I gave birth to my middle daughter. She lives about 100 miles away. I’m been telling my husband for a couple of weeks I need to visit her, trying to fit it around my work, her medical appointments, our kids logistics etc. I’ve finally found a suitable date, going Thurs morning and travelling back Fri morning. I will be taking my eldest and middle children as she wants to see them and they’re close to her too. The little one has nursery on the Thursday and grandparents on Friday while husband works. He works from home in a non-stressful job. He used to have the little one every other Friday (I have her on the other Friday) - both did 9 day fortnights at work. He decided a few months ago he didn’t want to “do childcare” anymore and so asked his parents to do his Fridays and said he had to work. That pissed me off in itself. But anyway, he’s really upset me about my visit to my dying friend - it is likely to be the goodbye visit. He made a total scene about it last night, that he didn’t want me to take the car for those 24 hours because “he quite likes taking our daughter to his parents house on the day they have her and he quite likes going to the gym”. That “it’d be more convenient for him to have the car”. Nursery is a 10 min walk btw and he normally walks. Then he was blaming me for my communication about my plans (he can’t communicate for toffee) - I’d kept him up to speed with my plans & it’s all a bit moveable when someone is very unwell. I thinks it’s just disgusting to make such a scene in the context of someone dying… what is up with him? Honestly any last bit of love I had for him disappeared last night after this. How is this putting on him??? I’m even taking 2 of the kids with me… is it really too much to ask that he does a bedtime on Thursday night for one child so I can visit my friend? He does so much for himself, gym etc, I do nothing…

DysmalRadius · 01/04/2024 19:18

I'm really sorry about your friend. And your husband sounds like a selfish prick.

someadvice20 · 01/04/2024 19:19

Your husband sounds like a dick. What a situation for you to be in and he makes it about himself. Someone is dying but him going to the gym needing the car whatever is more important?? Really shows his true colours.

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 01/04/2024 19:21

So sorry OP he does sound like a selfish prick. Focus on your friend and then have a think about the relationship when you have time to process.

tomorrowisanotherdate · 01/04/2024 19:22

YANBU

Hotgirlwinter · 01/04/2024 19:23

it’s disgusting behaviour OP. You know that and I’m not surprised you have no love for this man, if this is anything to go by.

Im so sorry for your friend and for you, I hope you get to have a meaningful goodbye. No doubt this is heartbreaking for you but let it be the catalyst to not spend the rest of your life this absolute specimen.

Eyesopenwideawake · 01/04/2024 19:23

What a cunt.

BirthdayRainbow · 01/04/2024 19:24

He's punishing you because you are able to get a day away. Fucking twat isn't thinking about why you are going.

Do not give into him over the car and rethink your marriage. Tell him that as you drive away.

I am so sorry about your friend

Mnk711 · 01/04/2024 19:26

You ask how he cab behave like this. The answer is here: 'He does so much for himself, gym etc, I do nothing…'

You're putting him out when usually you do everything. He's come to expect you to make life easy for him and now he resents the intrusion of your life and priorities on his. Ask yourself what kind of man would behave this way when his wife just wants to visit a dying friend? Not a partner. Not someone that puts you and his children first. Not someone with empathy or moral fibre. Take the car, tell him to get on with it, and when you've seen your friend and grieved and are ready, get rid of him.

OurfriendsintheNE · 01/04/2024 19:28

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. Your H is being a complete prick. Tell him to go and fuck himself then focus on your friend and yourself

qazxc · 01/04/2024 19:28

That is disgusting behaviour and a glaring lack of empathy.
Put all decisions on the marriage on the back burner and concentrate on your friend. But yes, if a partner is that detached of basic empathy during a major upsetting time and unwilling to be supportive, I would reassess whether this is what I wanted in a relationship.

fatphalange · 01/04/2024 19:30

What a cunt. He'd 'quite like' use of the car would he. I could say a few things but my first sentence sums it up. I'm sorry about your friend

Mmhmmn · 01/04/2024 19:34

OP, you have this one chance to spend time with your friend. Spend as much time as suits YOU and as needs be, and sod your selfish, unempathic arsehole of a husband.

Mmhmmn · 01/04/2024 19:35

Mnk711 · 01/04/2024 19:26

You ask how he cab behave like this. The answer is here: 'He does so much for himself, gym etc, I do nothing…'

You're putting him out when usually you do everything. He's come to expect you to make life easy for him and now he resents the intrusion of your life and priorities on his. Ask yourself what kind of man would behave this way when his wife just wants to visit a dying friend? Not a partner. Not someone that puts you and his children first. Not someone with empathy or moral fibre. Take the car, tell him to get on with it, and when you've seen your friend and grieved and are ready, get rid of him.

100%.

AncientBallerina · 01/04/2024 19:35

Give this no air time for now. You are going. Don’t waste your precious time wondering why is like his. Or trying to get him to explain himself - he’s selfish that’s all. He’s definitely shown you who he is.
Focus on yourself and spending time with your friend. Show him that you will not be manipulated out of going. Ignore the whining.
‘When you are back and you feel strong enough you need to reevaluate your relationship. The first step is to let him see that the tactics that he’s used up to now to do what he likes no longer work.

MothralovesGojira · 01/04/2024 19:35

@Hatty65
You have said exactly what I was going to say.
@Snowdrop89
Stick to your guns and take the car. Don't let him dick you about when it's time for your friend's funeral either.
I'm sorry about your friend. I've had to do these final visits for a few of my dearest friends and it's heartbreaking so a big hug for you xx

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 01/04/2024 19:40

I think this is one of the worst things I've read on MN.

Shetlands · 01/04/2024 19:45

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

This!

I'm so sorry about your friend. Your husband's behaviour is vile.

romdowa · 01/04/2024 19:46

I'd leave him the car and all 3 kids and head off by yourself. He's an arsehole

wishuponastar1988 · 01/04/2024 19:48

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

This.

MultiplaLight · 01/04/2024 19:48

Mnk711 · 01/04/2024 19:26

You ask how he cab behave like this. The answer is here: 'He does so much for himself, gym etc, I do nothing…'

You're putting him out when usually you do everything. He's come to expect you to make life easy for him and now he resents the intrusion of your life and priorities on his. Ask yourself what kind of man would behave this way when his wife just wants to visit a dying friend? Not a partner. Not someone that puts you and his children first. Not someone with empathy or moral fibre. Take the car, tell him to get on with it, and when you've seen your friend and grieved and are ready, get rid of him.

This, absolutely this.

I'd see your friend, come back and get the little one, and go somewhere else the Friday night. Fuck him.

I'd also be hugely questioning the end of the relationship.

Littlebitpsycho · 01/04/2024 19:49

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

Another who agrees with this. I'm so sorry your husband is such a complete cunt 😔

trippily · 01/04/2024 19:50

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

Nailed it

Iamnotalemming · 01/04/2024 19:53

I've made that kind of trip OP and I know how it feels. I'm so sorry about your friend.

Your DH on the other hand is behaving like a callous selfish bellend. What a knob.

Jagley · 01/04/2024 19:53

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

Exactly this, spend as much time as you want to and can do with your friend. I can't say I'd want him there when I got back if I were you.