WTAF? Dying friend, gaslighting husband?

[Snowdrop89]

It’s long but I’ll try to stick to key points. A friend is dying of cancer - she’s close, was with me when I gave birth to my middle daughter. She lives about 100 miles away. I’m been telling my husband for a couple of weeks I need to visit her, trying to fit it around my work, her medical appointments, our kids logistics etc. I’ve finally found a suitable date, going Thurs morning and travelling back Fri morning. I will be taking my eldest and middle children as she wants to see them and they’re close to her too. The little one has nursery on the Thursday and grandparents on Friday while husband works. He works from home in a non-stressful job. He used to have the little one every other Friday (I have her on the other Friday) - both did 9 day fortnights at work. He decided a few months ago he didn’t want to “do childcare” anymore and so asked his parents to do his Fridays and said he had to work. That pissed me off in itself. But anyway, he’s really upset me about my visit to my dying friend - it is likely to be the goodbye visit. He made a total scene about it last night, that he didn’t want me to take the car for those 24 hours because “he quite likes taking our daughter to his parents house on the day they have her and he quite likes going to the gym”. That “it’d be more convenient for him to have the car”. Nursery is a 10 min walk btw and he normally walks. Then he was blaming me for my communication about my plans (he can’t communicate for toffee) - I’d kept him up to speed with my plans & it’s all a bit moveable when someone is very unwell. I thinks it’s just disgusting to make such a scene in the context of someone dying… what is up with him? Honestly any last bit of love I had for him disappeared last night after this. How is this putting on him??? I’m even taking 2 of the kids with me… is it really too much to ask that he does a bedtime on Thursday night for one child so I can visit my friend? He does so much for himself, gym etc, I do nothing…

He sounds like someone who will make a lot of noise about having the kids 50% and then do precisely nothing about it on the grounds it is all a bit too much like hard work.

Suggest you establish if you could visit on a solo basis, leave the kids with your husband, go to see your friend and come back and divorce him in memory of your friend who hopefully has had a much better partner in life. A day or two with all three kids should convince him that shared custody is not something to trot out lightly especially if you appear to be welcoming it. It's about controlling you remember.

It's the easter holidays they'll survive without you for two days.

Snowdrop89 please chat to trusted friends about how you are feeling, don’t think you can never divorce. There will come a time that you can make the break and it really helps when good friends know exactly how you are, speaking from experience here x

Oh my darling, I just saw those last two messages and my heart breaks for you. Have you got someone you can take the girls to? Family? You need caring and loving atm.

Take the car and all the kids and be away as long as you can. Hold your friend.

Get him used to being on his own....

You aren't stuck. Once you make the decision to leave there are many people on here who will talk you through the process step by step to get you away from this dickhead. You are not doing the best for your children by staying with him and I'd bet my house he'll make loads of noise about custody, 50/50 access and then in no time won't have them at all.

So sorry to hear this x

Your girls are not growing up in a happy loving home. Don't kid yourself that you are good at hiding it and they don't notice. You are modelling a dysfunctional relationship with a callous uncaring man - do you want this to be the blueprint for their future relationships?

@Snowdrop89

I’m just stuck with him. If I leave him he’ll insist on having the girls 50%

Yeah? Really? Mr 'doesn't want to do childcare' or Parenting as it is known.

Only stay if you can guarantee to make his life a bloody misery and tell his parents what a shit he is too.

Personally you will be much better without him. He has 'won' as your friend is too ill for visitors. So he will know he gets away with his selfish behaviour again and again and again.

Please get some legal advice and moral support before condemning yourself to a lifetime of misery with this horrible, mean, petty, selfish bastard.

In the meantime, maybe you can't force him to 'do childcare', but you can take back a bit of control by not doing anything for him: laundry, cooking, facilitating the things he 'quite likes' to do.

So sorry about your friend, I hope you get to say your goodbyes.

I’m sorry your friend is so poorly. I hope you get to see her.
I thought XH would want 50/50 custody but he didn’t. He does EOW and pays maintenance. That suits me and him! I echo the getting legal advice, at least an initial appointment, just to get an idea of what you could be entitled to.

They always want 50/50. They say that as a threat to maintain the status quo and to control you. Do you really think this useless specimen would follow that through? Looking after his own children on his own would be much too work.

I think you need to stop allowing him to treat you like this.
He’s a parent, and it’s up to him to act like one.
Personally I’d take the car and go on your own to visit your friend.
Stop being a martyr and stick up for your self

So sorry to hear about your friend 💕 sending you love at this sad time, that absolute selfish dickhead should be supporting you right now. What a callous asshole.

Can't say more than what's been said already.Laur81 hit the nail on the head.

Definitely LTB territory. What a self absorbed asshole. Friend dying but his thought is about getting to the gym.

Sorry you are married to this OP.

Just saying, pretty much every single person on every movie ever that you root for is a good human being. OK, sometimes there might be a bad guy you love to hate...but you never ship them with the lead if they treat women badly. You want good people to be with good people. You see the assholes and think 'get outa here you total bastard'. You want good things for the good characters.

Well, you're a good character aren't you?
So why are you shipping yourself with the asshole, the low life, the selfish prick who is only actually there to be an antagonist?

You only have one life. Don't fill it with poor quality people. Be your own champion just as you would for your favorite characters in a show. Because you're the lead of your own show. And we don't ship leads with bastards.

@Snowdrop89 Not defending your DH here but none of what you described is gaslighting

I’m so sorry about your friend. When life gets tough people show who they really are and I’m afraid your husband has the compassion of a slug.

For now concentrate on your friend, even though you can’t visit, your feelings and your emotions and hopefully in the future you’ll leave him behind. (And if he can’t look after one child for 24 hours I really doubt he’d look after three 50/50. )

This 🙌🏼

💐 so sorry about your friend.

@Snowdrop89 he almost certainly won’t take them 50% of the time when it comes to it. As it is he sends them to his parents? I know it will be tough but getting away from him will change your life for the better. And your children’s as they will have you as their role model. I’m so sorry about your friend.

Any love I had would have died too.

Tell him that he can tell his parents he is moaning about you going to see your dying friend and the poor twat won't have a car. Tell him to get a taxi.

I'd be using the car and after the visit, I'd be seriously considering finishing with him as well. How utterly selfish and full of contempt.

This. Time to go nuclear on the cold-hearted bastard.