WTAF? Dying friend, gaslighting husband?

[Snowdrop89]

It’s long but I’ll try to stick to key points. A friend is dying of cancer - she’s close, was with me when I gave birth to my middle daughter. She lives about 100 miles away. I’m been telling my husband for a couple of weeks I need to visit her, trying to fit it around my work, her medical appointments, our kids logistics etc. I’ve finally found a suitable date, going Thurs morning and travelling back Fri morning. I will be taking my eldest and middle children as she wants to see them and they’re close to her too. The little one has nursery on the Thursday and grandparents on Friday while husband works. He works from home in a non-stressful job. He used to have the little one every other Friday (I have her on the other Friday) - both did 9 day fortnights at work. He decided a few months ago he didn’t want to “do childcare” anymore and so asked his parents to do his Fridays and said he had to work. That pissed me off in itself. But anyway, he’s really upset me about my visit to my dying friend - it is likely to be the goodbye visit. He made a total scene about it last night, that he didn’t want me to take the car for those 24 hours because “he quite likes taking our daughter to his parents house on the day they have her and he quite likes going to the gym”. That “it’d be more convenient for him to have the car”. Nursery is a 10 min walk btw and he normally walks. Then he was blaming me for my communication about my plans (he can’t communicate for toffee) - I’d kept him up to speed with my plans & it’s all a bit moveable when someone is very unwell. I thinks it’s just disgusting to make such a scene in the context of someone dying… what is up with him? Honestly any last bit of love I had for him disappeared last night after this. How is this putting on him??? I’m even taking 2 of the kids with me… is it really too much to ask that he does a bedtime on Thursday night for one child so I can visit my friend? He does so much for himself, gym etc, I do nothing…

What's this not doing child care anymore? Fookin idiot. It's not childcare, it's parenting.

Sounds like he's not your partner in all things anyway OP.

Visit your friend, take the car, because this time is precious. When you get back I would seriously consider going to a solicitor with a view to divorce. You're already a single parent, so not much will change.

One of my very best school friends died of cancer when we were both 29. I didn’t make that final journey, not because of a dickhead husband, but because I also had a young baby, a terrible birth, and the journey was 300 miles. We all thought she would have more time, but sadly the end came quickly and suddenly (she died 6 months after diagnosis and a mere few days after being told she would probably manage 5 years).

it was heartbreaking and added to my already significant PND and anxiety (she also had a young child).

Whatever you do about your husband, please please do make sure you make this journey to see your friend. Deal with the fallout after x

I think it's very doubtful you would ever be able to forgive his behaviour
To lose a close friend is so so painful, he hasn't got your back, he's not on your side.
I hope you find the strength to get through the pain of losing your friend and then leaving this horrible man

I'd made my mind up about your husband at this point "He decided a few months ago he didn’t want to “do childcare” anymore and so asked his parents to do his Fridays and said he had to work."

WTAF. I would tell his parents he's lying to them but that's just me. What an abhorrent, selfish, entitled prick.

shocked?

So otherwise a decent husband? doubt it

sounds like a bloody environment for you and sadly your children

how old are your middle and eldest? is she up to having young children visit? and will they want to spend more than 15 mins bedside?

Thanks all for your kind messages. I had a call this morning to say she’s too unwell to be visited 😞 xx

but what about your husband?

You have started multiple very unhappy threads about him op

I am so very sorry to hear you won’t be able to visit your friend. What a terrible and heartbreaking blow for you and your children. I do hope you get the chance to say good bye.

I can’t imagine being with such a heartless and selfish man. Maybe this is the catalyst for you to make the changes you need? Obviously it’s easy to say, LTB and not look back. But the reality is rarely that straightforward. I would begin by putting better boundaries in place. You need to do more for yourself. Can you start by finding ways to do that?

My wife's closest friend moved back from Southern England to Southern Ireland a few years ago.

My wife was told in January they couldn't do anymore for her. When I called my wife's friend to let her know my wife only had days, her husband booked flights for them both for very first thing the next morning. They stayed here for a few days and then returned here for the funeral a couple of weeks later. He knew that her friend would be in pieces and wanted to support her.

@Snowdrop89 your husband is a low life, selfish cunt. Passes his child off to his parent because he is a lying lazy waste of skin and oxygen. Makes your plans to visit your dear friend awkward and more difficult than they already are.

Raise your bar for your childrens' sake.

And make the most of the time with your friend. I know my wife's friends visiting her lifted her spirits for a while.

And rethink your relationship when you can.

Sorry, just seen your update. So sorry to hear that. She'll be in your thoughts, at least.

People often show their true colours in times of crisis and I think your DH has well and truly shown his. I’d really consider taking the kids and having a break from him (which shouldn’t be an issue since he’s so averse to any form of childcare or parenting it seems).

Can you go and stay with your own parents for a bit? I’m so sorry your friend is dying, I cannot imagine the pain you are in. I’m not sure there would be any going back for me if my DH acted like this.

Go on your own, you can help her for a bit and probably say your goodbyes.

This may be your last chance

Then come back and divorce your husband, as you can see life is too short.

I never understand why someone would use such derogatory language in a conversation to support a woman. I know it's directed at OP's husband, but surely there are better words to use than ones used to degrade women. It doesn't matter the sex of the person saying it.

OP, I'm so sorry about your friend. Don't give your dh any head space and just continue with your plans.

In a calm voice with an assertive tone you tell him

I will be using the car on date, taking the two children with me and returning on date.
You can make whatever plans you need to.

Fingers crossed you friend rallies a bit and you can go and see her, Practical solutions if that happens , are your in-laws decent people could you leave your youngest with them? Investigate car hire don’t wait around arguing about taking the car or not ( he probably thinks if you don’t have the car you can’t go) just make other arrangements. Have a bag packed ready for you and the oldest 2.
Then when you feel able to make plans to leave the useless waste of space husband.

Has too unwell for visitors not registered for you?

Oh crumbs. Is she too unwell for visitors as in you can’t take your children? Even in hospice care close friends visiting is common. If she was with you during childbirth it sounds as though it would not be inappropriate to visit her at this time. She may well find it comforting.

Sorry OP for what you are going through, I’m sorry you won’t get to say goodbye in person. Do take some time out and go somewhere peaceful to say goodbye from wherever you are x

I'm so sorry about your friend, OP. She knows you love her.

As for your 'd'H, this is also your reality check to take a good long look at how short life is. Is this selfish twat, who won't even look after his own children, who prioritises his hobbies/gym time/work while you are moaned at if you want to see your dying friend for the last time, really who you want to spend it with?

I'd get busy getting rid of him.

This, this and this OP You husband is a selfish, childish disgrace. You have allowed him to walk all over you and now you need to put a stop to it. He lives his life for him, not for his children and certainly not for you. Are you willing to accept such low standards, are your children happy with such a poor father? As you know life can end very quickly, can you honestly say if you were at the end of your life that you could look back and know that you had the best life with your husband, if you can't answer yes to that question you need to do something about it.
Go and see your friend for a couple of days and treasure the moments you have together.

My response definitely would've been, yes I'm sorry it's not convenient for you if I take the car so you can't go to the gym. It's also not convenient that someone I love is dying of cancer. And just walk off, car keys in hand

Is you friend well enough to chat on something like Zoom? As for that "husband" of yours, you know what to do now.

Is there any way you can go to visit your friend alone? Even just popping in to see her for only 5 minutes? Thats a total different scenario to a longer visit with 2 children, your friend and her family may be ok with this? I can’t even speak about your dh right now, just hoping you can find a way to see your friend.

I am so so sorry.

Please go by yourself. People often rally the last couple of days so you still may get the chance to say your goodbyes and perhaps FaceTime with the DC?

I’m just stuck with him. If I leave him he’ll insist on having the girls 50% but I don’t trust him so I’d rather suffer myself so I can keep them safe. If I have them 100% I don’t know how I’d cope, at least as it stands he can watch them while I’m doing stuff in the house etc. Also I can’t afford it - I earn too much to get any support but not enough to be totally ok if that makes sense. Feeling stuck is very miserable. He’s not a husband to me at all. And he can’t see it… he blames me for everything & I’m left feeling like total shit. Thanks everyone for your kind words of support. X