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Original poster

WTAF? Dying friend, gaslighting husband?

122 replies

Snowdrop89 · 01/04/2024 19:16

It’s long but I’ll try to stick to key points. A friend is dying of cancer - she’s close, was with me when I gave birth to my middle daughter. She lives about 100 miles away. I’m been telling my husband for a couple of weeks I need to visit her, trying to fit it around my work, her medical appointments, our kids logistics etc. I’ve finally found a suitable date, going Thurs morning and travelling back Fri morning. I will be taking my eldest and middle children as she wants to see them and they’re close to her too. The little one has nursery on the Thursday and grandparents on Friday while husband works. He works from home in a non-stressful job. He used to have the little one every other Friday (I have her on the other Friday) - both did 9 day fortnights at work. He decided a few months ago he didn’t want to “do childcare” anymore and so asked his parents to do his Fridays and said he had to work. That pissed me off in itself. But anyway, he’s really upset me about my visit to my dying friend - it is likely to be the goodbye visit. He made a total scene about it last night, that he didn’t want me to take the car for those 24 hours because “he quite likes taking our daughter to his parents house on the day they have her and he quite likes going to the gym”. That “it’d be more convenient for him to have the car”. Nursery is a 10 min walk btw and he normally walks. Then he was blaming me for my communication about my plans (he can’t communicate for toffee) - I’d kept him up to speed with my plans & it’s all a bit moveable when someone is very unwell. I thinks it’s just disgusting to make such a scene in the context of someone dying… what is up with him? Honestly any last bit of love I had for him disappeared last night after this. How is this putting on him??? I’m even taking 2 of the kids with me… is it really too much to ask that he does a bedtime on Thursday night for one child so I can visit my friend? He does so much for himself, gym etc, I do nothing…

OP posts:
Fluteytooting · 01/04/2024 19:56

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

This, with bells on.

StinkyWizzleteets · 01/04/2024 19:57

I’m so sorry he reacted like that. What a fucking entitled manbaby.

I’d leave both the other kids with him too and disappear for as along as you like. He doesn’t get to fuck around with you like that. You don’t exist for his benefit and that isn’t a partnership. Do what you need to do in a way that is easiest for you and he can adapt to fit for a few days

Sceptical123 · 01/04/2024 20:04

Mnk711 · 01/04/2024 19:26

You ask how he cab behave like this. The answer is here: 'He does so much for himself, gym etc, I do nothing…'

You're putting him out when usually you do everything. He's come to expect you to make life easy for him and now he resents the intrusion of your life and priorities on his. Ask yourself what kind of man would behave this way when his wife just wants to visit a dying friend? Not a partner. Not someone that puts you and his children first. Not someone with empathy or moral fibre. Take the car, tell him to get on with it, and when you've seen your friend and grieved and are ready, get rid of him.

And she’s taking two of the kids with her who he won’t have to worry about! Yeesh

Sceptical123 · 01/04/2024 20:07

Also so sorry about your friend 😔

There is something clearly very important to him about going to the gym. There could be any number of reasons he’d be put out for missing a session. Don’t want to stir the pot but it sounds off

Motnight · 01/04/2024 20:17

So sorry about your friend.

Your husband's behaviour is unforgivable.

Sophie2024 · 01/04/2024 20:22

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

Exactly right ! This sentence needs to come out your mouth , your beautiful friend wont be here for much longer and hes showing no compassion or kindness to you or your friend , dont worry about coursing upset and do not feel any guilt , your not choosing her over him ( which i suspect is the issue for him ) your putting her and your friendship first which is the most important thing here X If you get met with any further dickhead behaviour you need to do whats right for you and your little ones X bless you and your friend 🌷

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 01/04/2024 20:44

Mnk711 · 01/04/2024 19:26

You ask how he cab behave like this. The answer is here: 'He does so much for himself, gym etc, I do nothing…'

You're putting him out when usually you do everything. He's come to expect you to make life easy for him and now he resents the intrusion of your life and priorities on his. Ask yourself what kind of man would behave this way when his wife just wants to visit a dying friend? Not a partner. Not someone that puts you and his children first. Not someone with empathy or moral fibre. Take the car, tell him to get on with it, and when you've seen your friend and grieved and are ready, get rid of him.

You ask how he cab behave like this. The answer is here: 'He does so much for himself, gym etc, I do nothing…'

You're putting him out when usually you do everything. He's come to expect you to make life easy for him and now he resents the intrusion of your life and priorities on his. Ask yourself what kind of man would behave this way when his wife just wants to visit a dying friend?

This poster is exactly right. Exactly. His contempt for you is utterly, utterly sickening.

Absolute cunt.

I hope to fuck you leave the horrible shit.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 01/04/2024 20:45

StinkyWizzleteets · 01/04/2024 19:57

I’m so sorry he reacted like that. What a fucking entitled manbaby.

I’d leave both the other kids with him too and disappear for as along as you like. He doesn’t get to fuck around with you like that. You don’t exist for his benefit and that isn’t a partnership. Do what you need to do in a way that is easiest for you and he can adapt to fit for a few days

The dying friend wants to see the children.

ShoNuff · 01/04/2024 20:49

This is just awful, OP. He sounds completely heartless and uncaring and just so, so unbelievably selfish. What is he normally like? This behaviour can’t have come out if the blue, surely? Is he always a selfish bastard?

I’m so sorry about your friend Flowers

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 01/04/2024 20:54

Ime Illness shows your dh's true colours.. After numerous trips to hospital when dgm was ill and subsequently died dh asked me to ask her dd (my aunt) for fuel money....
I didn't. I divorced him for much worse within a few months.

Sorry about your friend op.

Scrambledchickens · 01/04/2024 21:02

He doesn’t give a shit about your feelings op, he’s irritated because his smooth existence is being impacted by your plans.
I am so sorry about your lovely friend, go visit and cherish the time you have together x

Rec0veringAcademic · 01/04/2024 21:06

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

This. Down to the last syllable.

I'm really sorry about your friend, OP.

AnneElliott · 01/04/2024 21:08

He's a shit op. People often show you who they are in times like these. Take the car and see your friend and consider what you want to do relationship wise when you get back.

Tillievanilly · 01/04/2024 21:09

I’d be asking him if he knows what empathy is! If you stop and think I wonder how often he makes situations about him. He should be encouraging you to go not making life difficult. I’m so sorry about your friend.

TeaGinandFags · 01/04/2024 21:23

LTB

Your friend is dying so take all the time you need. Talk to your boss who should understand.

Take the car with you and while you're there reconsider the point of staying married to a father who doesn't do childcare. Why doesn't he do child support instead? If the grandparents want to do the day you can't, who's to say not?

Wartsandalll · 01/04/2024 21:24

Fucking hell, what a prince he is

TheSnowyOwl · 01/04/2024 21:28

I’m sorry about your friend.

Ignore him and go and visit her. Tell him that you would quite like the car in the divorce settlement so you can start negotiating that once you return.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/04/2024 21:33

I'm sorry but first me any respect or even like would go out the window at this point. Do the trip - take the car and have a real think about this relationship when you get back.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/04/2024 21:34

And I'm so sorry about your friend, hugs for you too x

Restlessinthenorth · 01/04/2024 21:35

Words fail me. This is truly awful. Your husband is a selfish prick. Surely to god this has drained every possible ounce of respect or love you can have for this man-child? Go and shower your friend with love. Switch your phone off so he can't send any messages to make you feel guilty. Then reconsider your relationship because you deserve so much more than this

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 01/04/2024 21:43

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

Totally agree with this.

I'm so sorry OP 💐

crockofshite · 01/04/2024 21:43

Go, take the car, spend precious time with your friend.

When you get back have a chat with him, tell him you understand he needs more 'me' time away from you and his children, give him a moving out date so he can get on and plan his life to his satisfaction.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 01/04/2024 21:50

I'm so sorry about your friend 💐

It sounds like he has always been a selfish arsehole, but you just go along with it to keep the peace. This is something actually important, so it's highlighted how awful he really is, because you're not the one caving in to what he wants.

Don't make any big decisions before you see your friend, but I really think you need to consider if this is how you want the rest of your life to be op.

Zanatdy · 01/04/2024 21:52

He’s a total selfish t*at

NeurodivergentBurnout · 01/04/2024 21:59

Hide the car keys as well just in case he screws you over and tries to leave before you!
I had a husband like this. Got pissy when the world didn’t revolve around him. Was resentful as hell when I had an accident and was dependent on him!
He’s telling you who he is…believe him. Get to see your friend, enjoy that time. Deal with him later.

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