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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WTAF? Dying friend, gaslighting husband?

122 replies

Snowdrop89 · 01/04/2024 19:16

It’s long but I’ll try to stick to key points. A friend is dying of cancer - she’s close, was with me when I gave birth to my middle daughter. She lives about 100 miles away. I’m been telling my husband for a couple of weeks I need to visit her, trying to fit it around my work, her medical appointments, our kids logistics etc. I’ve finally found a suitable date, going Thurs morning and travelling back Fri morning. I will be taking my eldest and middle children as she wants to see them and they’re close to her too. The little one has nursery on the Thursday and grandparents on Friday while husband works. He works from home in a non-stressful job. He used to have the little one every other Friday (I have her on the other Friday) - both did 9 day fortnights at work. He decided a few months ago he didn’t want to “do childcare” anymore and so asked his parents to do his Fridays and said he had to work. That pissed me off in itself. But anyway, he’s really upset me about my visit to my dying friend - it is likely to be the goodbye visit. He made a total scene about it last night, that he didn’t want me to take the car for those 24 hours because “he quite likes taking our daughter to his parents house on the day they have her and he quite likes going to the gym”. That “it’d be more convenient for him to have the car”. Nursery is a 10 min walk btw and he normally walks. Then he was blaming me for my communication about my plans (he can’t communicate for toffee) - I’d kept him up to speed with my plans & it’s all a bit moveable when someone is very unwell. I thinks it’s just disgusting to make such a scene in the context of someone dying… what is up with him? Honestly any last bit of love I had for him disappeared last night after this. How is this putting on him??? I’m even taking 2 of the kids with me… is it really too much to ask that he does a bedtime on Thursday night for one child so I can visit my friend? He does so much for himself, gym etc, I do nothing…

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 01/04/2024 22:39

He sounds vile and the very sad situation with your friend is a reminder that the luxury of time isn’t always guaranteed, and we have to make the most of the time we have.

SD1978 · 01/04/2024 22:43

Well I'd quite like for my friend not to be dying, but she is. You usually walk to nursery, your gym visit for one day isn't my issue, and your staggering selfishness has made me loose a large amount of respect for you. This is important to me, and should be important to you, not having any empathy for the situation or for me, has made me really reevaluate things.......what an absolute arsehole. I actually don't think I could forgive this either.

BrightNewLife · 01/04/2024 22:45

GO. I had a narc ex like this and he prevented me from seeing a very lovely old friend who was dying, because he was an EX 🙄🙄🙄.

I went in the end, but saw him less times than I should have been able to.

Very sorry for your friend. Sincerely hope you manage to have some precious time together. 💐

zeibesaffron · 01/04/2024 22:50

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

This ⬆️

Noseybookworm · 01/04/2024 23:12

What an arsehole. I'm not surprised that you can feel the last little bit of love for him draining away - I don't think I'd be able to bear being in the same room as him. Tell him you're going to see your friend and you're taking the car and he can lump it. I'd go on the Thursday and stay for the weekend. Turn your phone off and let him stew! I'm so sorry about your friend, sending a massive virtual hug 💐

SwordToFlamethrower · 01/04/2024 23:16

I'm so so sorry for your friend. Im so so sorry your children have a father that doesn't want to be a daddy to his children.

I'm sorry he has shown his true colours at this time.

Take the car and the kids. See your friend. Take your time. Cherish your friend.

Then kick the B out and divorce him.

Josette77 · 01/04/2024 23:29

I rarely say LTB but two of my best friends died of cancer. One at 32, one at 42.

Your DH is an asshole. A selfish awful asshole.

No. Just no. I suspect he is typically an dick.

You deserve better. Losing a friend is awful. If you are close it's like losing a family member.

Roryhon · 01/04/2024 23:30

Some people really show how awful they are when the shot hits the fan. My best friend died of cancer a few years ago and her own husband was dreadful while she was dying - barely went to the hospital to see her because “he didn’t like driving in the dark” or “was tired”. He also tried to sabotage things that other friends were doing for her so that he didn’t feel bad that he wasn’t doing it. I don’t have any contact with him since she died, I’m still so mad at him.

My husband, on the other hand, was fabulous. Did everything he could to enable me to visit as often as I could in the last few months of her life (she was 100 miles away too) and the last time he insisted on driving me there because he knew I was upset. He also got up several times in the night when my father was on end of life care to sit with me at his bedside in hospital because I was on my own.
Id give him one sharp bollocking to see if he pulls himself together and sees the big picture- otherwise I don’t think I’d be able to forgive or forget this.

Thecastle1 · 02/04/2024 00:33

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

If you were to say this, i'd probably consider taking the youngest too and letting her miss a day of nursery. I'd be a bit concerned about leaving her with him as you don't know how he's going to react to being challenged.

Mummame2222 · 02/04/2024 00:35

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

Yup.

spacecadette · 02/04/2024 01:30

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

👌👏👏👏 this is your perfect response!

Runnerinthenight · 02/04/2024 01:43

Do whatever you need to do and dump his fucking arse when you get back. I'm so sorry!

Northernsouloldies · 02/04/2024 03:39

BirthdayRainbow · 01/04/2024 19:24

He's punishing you because you are able to get a day away. Fucking twat isn't thinking about why you are going.

Do not give into him over the car and rethink your marriage. Tell him that as you drive away.

I am so sorry about your friend

He's a prick, spending time with a friend who's dying is tough thing to do . He should be supporting you and being showing empathy for your friend like a normal human being.i need the car for going to the gym just wouldn't wash...that attitude is pure filth.

MyWhoHa · 02/04/2024 04:18

I take it that this is the latest in a long list of similarly selfish behaviour?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 02/04/2024 04:20

I would do this for my ex and I don't even like him. Its a completely shitty way to behave to someone you're married too. He's giving you no consideration at all when yout friend is dying. That's really low. Given the circumstances I'd be taking the car and just going.

Fraaahnces · 02/04/2024 04:54

So sorry about your lovely friend. Also sorry that you are married to a heartless, selfish, self-absorbed arsehole. You go and be the friend you need to be and give your DH’s issues as much oxygen as it deserves.
”You’d QUITE LIKE to pop to the gym, would you? I’m sure Cara would QUITE LIKE not to be dying and saying goodbye to people. Get your head out of your arsehole.”
I wouldn’t be able to ever look him in the eye again after this momentous display of selfishness.

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 02/04/2024 06:21

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

This really is the only way to deal with it.

I'm so sorry about your friend and your marriage.

Zyq · 02/04/2024 08:25

What @Hatty65 said. And give him the heads up that if you get any other chance for a visit you'll be doing the same again, likewise for the funeral, and you don't want to hear one more moan from Mr Selfish.

Stormbornform · 02/04/2024 08:40

I would tell him you will be taking the car and having a serious chat with him about your marriage when you're back. I would take all the kids (only because he sounds completely incompetent and I would worry) then stay as long as you want with your friend. I would probably take an extra day on the way back too. Time out in a hotel and spend the time seriously considering what he brings to the table.

Toogles · 02/04/2024 08:47

This is possibly the most selfish thing I have ever heard.

You go and visit your friend and don't give him a second thought. You can make important decisions afterwards.

💐

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/04/2024 08:50

MyWhoHa · 02/04/2024 04:18

I take it that this is the latest in a long list of similarly selfish behaviour?

@MyWhoHa Yep 😞 x

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 02/04/2024 08:51

romdowa · 01/04/2024 19:46

I'd leave him the car and all 3 kids and head off by yourself. He's an arsehole

Her friend wants to see the children.

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/04/2024 08:52

Fraaahnces · 02/04/2024 04:54

So sorry about your lovely friend. Also sorry that you are married to a heartless, selfish, self-absorbed arsehole. You go and be the friend you need to be and give your DH’s issues as much oxygen as it deserves.
”You’d QUITE LIKE to pop to the gym, would you? I’m sure Cara would QUITE LIKE not to be dying and saying goodbye to people. Get your head out of your arsehole.”
I wouldn’t be able to ever look him in the eye again after this momentous display of selfishness.

@Fraaahnces I can’t look him in the eye again…. This was Sunday night and still now I can’t, I’m totally shocked by his behaviour x

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 02/04/2024 08:52

I'm so sorry about your friend. That must be terribly upsetting. 💐

Now think what you would advise your friend to do if the situation was reversed.

beachcitygirl · 02/04/2024 08:56

Hatty65 · 01/04/2024 19:20

Look him straight in the eye and say 'We're not having this conversation you fucking prick. My friend is dying, so stop being an arsehole about trivial shite and try and be a tiny bit supportive, like a normal, decent human being would. When I return we'll discuss whether there is anything at all left between us'.

Then walk away.

This with bells on 👏🏻