Survivors of family estrangement…

[Darker]

Thread here for anyone who is in want of support. A quiet, nonjudgmental space to talk about the difficult aftermath of going no contact or being cut off by family.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/off_the_beaten_track/5030150-stately-homes-annex-for-survivors-of-family-estrangement?page=2&reply=134130333

Giving this a little Easter bump…

I’m finding it hard to be estranged from family. The short story is that I went no contact because of decades of verbal abuse. Constant belittlement towards me, no matter how hard I tried to put boundaries. Was worried about my daughter so ended the visits.

I had a really difficult childhood, not saying that there weren’t positives but have to acknowledge the experience. Verbal and physical abuse.

Family is a narcissistic family system with narcissist (I don’t use that word lightly) and enabler in their own ways punching down.

What I find hard is the shame and anger at the enabler also, for being knowingly dismissive.

I listen to Dr Ramani to help (I also write) and just get on with life and parenting. If you’ve read this, thank you and look forward to chatting with anyone.

Thanks @QuickMember

Sorry you have experienced this.

I’m interested in the narcissistic family system you describe… you’ve obviously done lots of reading… I guess we are all in the system while we are in the family… so what happens when we leave? What do we bring with us, or possibly what bits do we lose?

I know I’ve changed a lot as a person since I cut contact. Much calmer. More self confident. But still learning.

Hi Darker, thanks for your reply. I’m glad I posted. Yes, I’ve felt some validation, solace and obviously gained knowledge through reading. I do wonder at the sort of aftermath. I left once before and became very aware of the victim mentality of the narcissist and the lack of responsibility. I was seen as the bad guy and since then their relationship with the enabler increased in its dependency.

I would say this is what has happened again.

Regarding how you’ve changed yourself, since cutting contact, calm and confident is brilliant to hear. It shows an inner peace. I feel like I am also better in myself but I still carry the baggage and have my moments. Still learning also.

Nice to meet you online and look forward for future chats on here.

Yes I recognise the ‘bonding’ that happened in my family between those who were bullying others and their enablers. It was quite complicated… people who had difficult relationships with each other would find common cause when it suited them.

I don't know if it's okay to post this but I completely detached myself from my husband's family. We've been together over 10 years. First meeting with his brother he said "I'm not sure our mum likes you" seriously. He has continued to snipe at me ever since. His mum was constantly on my case, making remarks (how pretty is ex was etc) other relatives are always posting passive aggressive positive posts that aren't positive at all. Sometimes some of them are talking to me sometimes they're not and genuinely I'm not sure what I have or haven't done this time. So, I've never stopped my husband from seeing or speaking to them alone but for the past few years, I've given up. I feel sad about it & he acknowledges they aren't very nice to me. He hasn't really backed me up, I think he's tried to talk to his mum on the odd occasion but doesn't force me to do anything with them. His sister was lovely but passed away & I know it's not just me because of what she had to say about all of them. It is, what it is.

That sounds horrible. I’ve got some experience of family being snipey and snide about people’s partners…. It’s not nice to be around.

Do you have a child/children together?

My sibling has cut themselves off from me, after sending some really nasty messages blaming me. It basically all relates to their relationship breakdown and them feeling like members of the family took sides. (We didn't, we just didn't cut the former partner off completely due to the children).

Sorry, being vague as I don't want to be recognised.

Most of the time I'm fine, but every so often something will remind me of our childhood, or I see something which would make them laugh, and then I remember that I can't message them anymore. Then I worry about if/when I will have to attempt contact, such as when one of our parents becomes unwell or dies. It's just very sad.

Darker, so very true, it’s bonding (between narcissist and enabler/s) that happens in a way that demeans the target. Basically, they bond over slandering the targeted person. It’s such an unhealthy and toxic system. I am glad to have left and wouldn’t want my child to soak up any of that.

That’s sad…. Was anyone else cut off or just you?

Hope everyone is ok…

Hope you’re doing ok Darker and all on here. Today is strange, I don’t feel so great. I am watching some videos on trauma to see if I can find some helpful advice.

Just wanted to share this. This ladies videos are helping me today.

Hi all, I hope you don’t mind me joining. I am in the position of being estranged from my dad and step mum and my MIL and her husband. In the case of my dad and step mum it was after decades of emotional abuse and neglect which left me with Cptsd. Although it was a hard decision to make it was a relief and following EMDR I am at peace with it. I am fortunate that cutting them out hasn’t damaged my relationships with other family members as no one liked them.

My ILs on the other hand I had built a good relationship with. We had family whatsapp groups, we holidayed together and spent Christmases together. Then one day in the middle of a casual conversation MIL let it out that her husband is prevented from working with children due to an accusation of raping a child on his record (no conviction). DH and I made the decision to go through Sarah’s Law to find out what had happened and it turned out that there were multiple allegations (no convictions still) by multiple victims. The police advised us that they consider him a significant risk and shouldn’t be around children. MIL was very angry with us and made it clear that she wouldn’t be leaving her husband.

So now the family is fractured, we are excluded from family events as the husband is there and DS obviously can’t have contact with him. Having had such a broken birth family I put so much into my ILs and now that is destroyed. SIL had a baby two days ago and this has just brought everything flooding back. The fact that such a happy occasion is now just highlighting the divisions even more. I feel unbelievably sad that I will now never have a ‘normal’ extended family. I am so lucky to have an amazing DH and DS and we very much hope to expand our family this year (we have an embryo in the freezer). It is still so hard having been dealt these family cards though.

Much love to all of us dealing with family estrangement, it is an incredibly sad and lonely place to be.

oh - that must be so very painful for you, @Hopingforno2in2024. And so difficult… clearly it’s possible he’s innocent but you can’t take the risk, especially if the people around him are behaving as if they are in denial. Well done for checking under Sarah’s Law. That must have been horrible.

I take it that the alleged perpetrator is not your husband’s dad? Do the rest of the family know why you are steering clear?

@QuickMember I’m sorry you have been having a difficult day. I hope this evening has brought you some peace.

I watched some of the video. She was talking about toxic family members not liking others to volunteer… I hadn’t heard that anywhere else but it is absolutely my experience! I have done loads of volunteering in my life (initially I think in a desperate effort to feel good about myself!) and it caused huge annoyance. They really, really didn’t like it. I still do loads of volunteering and I love it and get so much from it.

I am estranged from my only sibling, due to our toxic, narcissistic mother.
Brother and I were best friends as teens - he knew our mother was toxic, I did not at that point. He tried to warn me, I thought it was sour grapes.

So our mother played favourites. Whichever child was doing what she wanted, obeying her etc, was the favourite. That was me. I was a terribly shy child, so I did what she wanted and she showered me with attention and affection. I was very much a people (mother) pleaser. If you disobeyed Mother, well, she cut you off.

As bro and I got older, mother started false rumours and innuendo to drive a wedge between us. Knowing, that we wouldn't ask questions, we just went along with it, believing the other was badmouthing us. By the time we were late 20's/early 30's, Bro and I barely spoke. This is exactly what mother wanted.

Middle aged now & Mother continues her divide and conquer, however sadly, my brother believes her BS and is under her spell as he is now "the golden child". I cannot reconcile how any parent would deliberately set out to sabotage and ruin their child's siblings relationship but mother has. She gloats about it.

Its too late for us; I lost my brother a long time ago. He is now someone I do not recognise. I did call mother out once, about 10 years ago. She told me my brother said something about me, so I called my bro, then and there and asked him "did you say x, y or z". He laughed and said "ofcourse not". This caused a massive fallout, as our father recognised what mother had done and was subsequently very angry with her. So, she got her just desserts. Once.

Been no contact with my father for almost 4 years now. I have felt so much more freedom and less anxiety the oast few years.

Some wider family members totally understand the no contact and others I think feel I am just petty/don't understand the wider issues although even those agree he is a selfish man.

Past few days I have woken in middle of night a bit low about it all. I know my life is better without him in it but I just feel low that my father is how he is. That he is unable to see the damage HE has caused, unable to see his wrongdoings etc and just says "we have a difficult relationship".

He is due to get married for a THIRD time soon. I struggle that despite all the hurt he has caused myself and others over the years he is living his best life. A new attractive wife , her wider family love him and cant see the narcissistic traits, nice holidays etc meanwhile others are left picking up the peices. Will there ever be justice?

Will his new family ever see him for who he really is?.

Just needed to rant. Not sure point of post really.

Thanks Darker. I felt better after watching some of those videos but they are pretty spot on and intense. That sounds incredibly mean to not appreciate how much you love volunteering and unfortunately this does appear to be common theme in narcissism. They don’t like others to feel good or talk about what’s good in their life. I think it’s part of their belittlement practice. Hope you are doing what you love and are passionate about these days.

Hi Hillwalkingjunkie, sorry for your experience. Brilliant that you feel more freedom and less anxious. I hope you’re able to have some better nights sleep. I didn’t wake up so much but I did have vivid dreams and nightmares. It’s so hard.

Feel free to express yourself on here, it’s a cliche but it feels like a safe space for us to let go and just speak.

Hi ItsFreedom, the narcissist’s tactics are horrible. Im
sorry for the mind games and mental headaches you’ve had to deal with. I really for a long time felt helpless in all of that. I think I’m a quarter of the way through with healing just by understanding narcissism. I hope you get some peace and respite.

I imagine it’s not uncommon for parents with narcissistic tendencies to fear/ resent their children getting on with each other, as it means the attention isn’t on them.

The possibility of innocence haunts me @Darker but as you say the risk is too great when a child is involved. You are correct that he is not DH’s dad so that is something at least. Most of the family know why but a few don’t. I really do think that support should be offered to families who receive a Sarah’s law disclosure, even if the police just handed out a leaflet directing to support services.

For those mentioning nightmares etc I really can’t recommend EMDR enough. I used to have such awful trauma nightmares that left me unable to function the next day but EMDR has dealt with that.

How awful that you have been estranged from a relative who could have been such a source of support and comfort to you @ItsFreedomBabyYeah. Massive hugs.

Hi there, I just wanted to chime in. I have some nc stuff going on and isn't the worst thing that you just cant stop thinking of them.. whats done is done, there's no coming back or any communication but still my mind thinks of them, runs it all through, considers all the aspects of what when on. I want to just forget! This phase lasts a few years i guess?

stonedaisy my mind is still doing this to me every day after 20 years. I'm having therapy again.