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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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7
stonedaisy · 15/04/2024 21:34

Wow, does the therapy give you any tools
to switch off?
I'm confident that being nc is the right outcome. I don't hold myself responsible for what went on. So why cant i get over it?

Hi01 · 15/04/2024 21:44

I do have some trauma I'm dealing with currently, this makes me ruminate maybe to act as a distraction technique. I wish I didn't have emotional turmoil because two idiot's decides they wanted a baby and fucked my life up. Coping tools are do thing's I enjoy.

socks1107 · 16/04/2024 08:19

May I join? We are the ones who have been cut off from my husband's now adult daughter.
She won't give a reason, won't communicate at all.
She's had some very unsafe behaviour and by trying to parent and protect her it's pushed her further towards it and she views us as controlling we think from what her mum had said.

We don't know how to navigate it, do you send cards for special occasions etc, keep in touch with mum or do we respect all her supposed wishes and do nothing?

goodnessmeandgosh · 16/04/2024 08:35

Hi, can I join too. socks it sounds like we are in the same boat- ish. Our daughter has cut us off as she is trans. We weren’t aware that we were anything but OK with that, but it wasn’t good enough and there is no chance to discuss. It’s killing us bith and the stress is ruining our marriage. We don’t know where she is, or if she’ll take testosterone.

Original poster
Darker · 16/04/2024 08:58

goodnessmeandgosh · 16/04/2024 08:35

Hi, can I join too. socks it sounds like we are in the same boat- ish. Our daughter has cut us off as she is trans. We weren’t aware that we were anything but OK with that, but it wasn’t good enough and there is no chance to discuss. It’s killing us bith and the stress is ruining our marriage. We don’t know where she is, or if she’ll take testosterone.

@goodnessmeandgosh my daughter is trans as well and it has been a difficult and confusing road. Very painful. I have been supportive (or thought I had) but there is something I’m not giving her that she needs. I wonder if she just needs time to metamorphose before she can return to the place where she lived so uncomfortably as a boy. Luckily my other kids are very supportive of her so she’s not alone.

OP posts:
LMMuffet · 16/04/2024 09:11

Hopingforno2in2024 · 13/04/2024 21:34

Hi all, I hope you don’t mind me joining. I am in the position of being estranged from my dad and step mum and my MIL and her husband. In the case of my dad and step mum it was after decades of emotional abuse and neglect which left me with Cptsd. Although it was a hard decision to make it was a relief and following EMDR I am at peace with it. I am fortunate that cutting them out hasn’t damaged my relationships with other family members as no one liked them.

My ILs on the other hand I had built a good relationship with. We had family whatsapp groups, we holidayed together and spent Christmases together. Then one day in the middle of a casual conversation MIL let it out that her husband is prevented from working with children due to an accusation of raping a child on his record (no conviction). DH and I made the decision to go through Sarah’s Law to find out what had happened and it turned out that there were multiple allegations (no convictions still) by multiple victims. The police advised us that they consider him a significant risk and shouldn’t be around children. MIL was very angry with us and made it clear that she wouldn’t be leaving her husband.

So now the family is fractured, we are excluded from family events as the husband is there and DS obviously can’t have contact with him. Having had such a broken birth family I put so much into my ILs and now that is destroyed. SIL had a baby two days ago and this has just brought everything flooding back. The fact that such a happy occasion is now just highlighting the divisions even more. I feel unbelievably sad that I will now never have a ‘normal’ extended family. I am so lucky to have an amazing DH and DS and we very much hope to expand our family this year (we have an embryo in the freezer). It is still so hard having been dealt these family cards though.

Much love to all of us dealing with family estrangement, it is an incredibly sad and lonely place to be.

Just in case it helps, it seems very, very, unlikely that your MiL’s partner is innocent. I would be concerned at even one allegation but multiple allegations by multiple children - and bearing in mind how poorly child sex abuse is investigated and prosecuted (only approx 12.5% of reported contact child sex abuse by an adult results in a conviction and surely no one is honestly suggesting that 87.5% of those reporting are lying) I would absolutely presume he was guilty. And your MiL has ignored that context, potentially putting her own grandchildren at risk. You are absolutely right to cut contact, no matter how painful that is. I hope that context helps provide at least a little peace of mind.

socks1107 · 16/04/2024 11:55

Goodnessmeandgosh

I thought I Willis be an outlier on this thread so it is nice I am not.
My sd has struggled with her sexuality. But we've always accepted whatever that was at the time.
It has really affected milky marriage and for a while I thought we wouldn't make it through with the stress. We have though and I think we're better for it now, we have a mutual understanding of each others struggle around this and that has deepened how we we feel about each other and how we lean on each other to cope.
I ensure we make us time each week where the subject isn't mentioned and we go to the gym together in a bid to release stress

Hopingforno2in2024 · 16/04/2024 12:32

Thank you so much for your kind words @LMMuffet, you can go over these things so many times in your mind that you feel like you may be losing sense of them so to hear an outsider reassure you is amazing.

I do not wish any of this on anyone but there is some comfort in knowing that others are also affected. People don’t speak of these things IRL so it can feel like you are the only family affected.

OP posts:
Original poster
Darker · 19/04/2024 09:34

Good morning… I hope everyone is ok.

OP posts:
QuickMember · 19/04/2024 10:47

Thanks Darker, I’m doing ok personally. How are you?

Original poster
Darker · 19/04/2024 12:02

I’m doing ok. Had lots of other stuff going on which has been chaotic and challenging, but gradually becoming a shape again. I do think that my past family trauma makes it hard for me to navigate some problems - I have been trained to doubt myself and to be suspicious of praise and approval, to expect to be challenged, and that the only correct response is to mollify and concede. But breaking out of that world has also given me strength and self-belief. It’s all a work in progress.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 19/04/2024 13:30

Hi01 · 15/04/2024 21:28

stonedaisy my mind is still doing this to me every day after 20 years. I'm having therapy again.

Same for the last 45 years. I have CPTSD and daily flashbacks. Its like drinking a cup of poison everyday.
I was the family scapegoat and beaten, kicked and neglected by them all my life. The siblings are treated like the best things since sliced bread.
I am no contact now because They are not sorry, they are still abusive and I simply don't care about them.
I've made a life for myself and a career. I live for that.

QuickMember · 19/04/2024 14:43

Darker · 19/04/2024 12:02

I’m doing ok. Had lots of other stuff going on which has been chaotic and challenging, but gradually becoming a shape again. I do think that my past family trauma makes it hard for me to navigate some problems - I have been trained to doubt myself and to be suspicious of praise and approval, to expect to be challenged, and that the only correct response is to mollify and concede. But breaking out of that world has also given me strength and self-belief. It’s all a work in progress.

Definitely a work in progress. The cliche of healing being a process is true. I understand working through past trauma and how that also shapes dealing with present issues. I tell myself if nothing else I am resilient at least.

Kittywittywoo · 19/04/2024 14:46

I'm not estranged but I was an unwanted child . I've been left out and ignored but I've accepted it long ago. I can't change people only my reaction to them . I just grey rock and get on with life .

Original poster
Darker · 19/04/2024 15:59

I’m sorry @Kittywittywoo . It sounds like you have come to terms with it. I think realising that you only have a certain amount of control (and by inference only so much responsibility) is very liberating. But it can still be hurtful.

OP posts:
Kittywittywoo · 19/04/2024 16:02

Darker · 19/04/2024 15:59

I’m sorry @Kittywittywoo . It sounds like you have come to terms with it. I think realising that you only have a certain amount of control (and by inference only so much responsibility) is very liberating. But it can still be hurtful.

I can sit and cry , rage and rant but where will that get me ? It won't make any difference. In fact it would only hurt me so I just get on with life .

QuickMember · 19/04/2024 20:44

Kittywittywoo · 19/04/2024 14:46

I'm not estranged but I was an unwanted child . I've been left out and ignored but I've accepted it long ago. I can't change people only my reaction to them . I just grey rock and get on with life .

Sorry for your experience. I like your attitude of getting on with life.

Betternowthannever · 21/04/2024 01:09

Hi all, isn’t estrangement so hard.
I went NC with my father over 20 years ago. It was a gradual disconnect and I never made a decision to become estranged fully, it happened naturally, overtime. I wish I had made that conscious decision because he was toxic and abusive, but I suppose it happened anyway.

He died a few months ago and I was surprised at the myriad of feelings I felt after his death. I’m still not right and I feel I’m reliving my past. I’m anxious and feel sick most of the time.

At the moment, I feel trapped and I feel like I felt when I was a child. I’m anxious, scared, nervous and it’s so unsettling. I’m not having memories of the past but the feelings are very real! They are as strong as they were when I was13. I hate this, I feel weak and vulnerable and I hate giving him this power over me again.

Has anyone experienced this? How did you cope and resolve it? I have a husband, kids and a job so I can’t go on like this. I need to move on but not sure how to.

Hopingforno2in2024 · 21/04/2024 07:24

I’m sorry to hear this @Betternowthannever ❤️ I know I sound like a stuck record but EMDR can be life changing in treating trauma. Basically when we experience trauma our brain often fails to properly process the experience and file it away. Therefore we regularly relive it with and experience the same fear that we did at the time just as you describe above. EMDR sounds like witchcraft but it enables the brain to process and file the memory so that it no longer has that effect on you. Yes it is still a sad memory but it doesn’t provoke the trauma response. My clinical psychologist said that they know that it works they just don’t know exactly why it works. It is an unbelievably hard process to go through as you have to go through the trauma all over again but so so worth it.

Tara336 · 21/04/2024 07:43

I have a very fractured family, mine is a very happy second marriage. DH is lovely but his daughters are not. I made great efforts in the beginning and despite them making the odd snide comment we seemed to get on fine. There was then a huge blow up with one daughter (long and complicated) and her and DH stopped talking. I tried to intervene but was told none of my business and its now been 10 years since they fell out. I found out afterwards she has form for going NC with her DF if he displeases her. But I was blamed for the rows they had although it was nothing to do with me.

Second SD was fine for a few years, again odd nasty comment but I didn't react, she then out of nowhere became openly hostile, which I didn't react too, until she told awful lies that I'd sworn and called her names. This was again after she had caused a massive drama where the police were involved and she went "missing".

I decided I was done and DH sees her without me, he has pressed me to have her in our home saying she's changed etc and when I have she has been rude again. He even admitted she was rude but thinks I should just suck it up. The last visit she didn't speak to me at all it was like I was invisible in my own home. DH when we spoke about it says I should make an effort, she's changed etc but she clearly hasn't and I don't want go be around her.

I understand DH wants to see DD but how much rudeness, hostility and disrespect does he want me to take? I said I made an effort, invited her into our home and she continues to behave in a way that makes me stressed and unhappy.

When we last discussed it I said have you actually said to her this behaviour is not OK? He said they haven't discussed it.

Original poster
Darker · 21/04/2024 07:48

I’m so sorry@Betternowthannever.

I imagine the news of his passing has brought up a lot of stuff that was not resolved earlier in your life. You didn’t have the catharsis of consciously ending that relationship and making yourself safe. And now he’s gone. No wonder you are feeling unsettled.

I wondered how the family dynamics have changed since he died…. Has it brought people back into your life who you had also become distanced from?

What support do you have (counsellor, friend, supportive husband?)? Are you still in contact with any of your family?

Did you go to the funeral or did you find a way of marking his passing?

Sorry - too many questions.

Take care of yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Darker · 21/04/2024 07:53

@Tara336 I’m with you that your husband needs to talk to his daughter about this. Does she want to come to your house and see you, or is it him wanting to persuade her by saying everything is fine( when obviously everything isn’t).

OP posts:
Kittywittywoo · 21/04/2024 10:27

Hopingforno2in2024 · 21/04/2024 07:24

I’m sorry to hear this @Betternowthannever ❤️ I know I sound like a stuck record but EMDR can be life changing in treating trauma. Basically when we experience trauma our brain often fails to properly process the experience and file it away. Therefore we regularly relive it with and experience the same fear that we did at the time just as you describe above. EMDR sounds like witchcraft but it enables the brain to process and file the memory so that it no longer has that effect on you. Yes it is still a sad memory but it doesn’t provoke the trauma response. My clinical psychologist said that they know that it works they just don’t know exactly why it works. It is an unbelievably hard process to go through as you have to go through the trauma all over again but so so worth it.

Think of it this way : you were a child and you had no control over your environment or other people at the time . The problem is with them not you . You know better and are better than them . If it wasn't you it would have been someone else . You did the right thing by cutting them out of your life as they don't deserve to be there . Their Actions have consequences.

Kittywittywoo · 21/04/2024 10:35

Tara336 · 21/04/2024 07:43

I have a very fractured family, mine is a very happy second marriage. DH is lovely but his daughters are not. I made great efforts in the beginning and despite them making the odd snide comment we seemed to get on fine. There was then a huge blow up with one daughter (long and complicated) and her and DH stopped talking. I tried to intervene but was told none of my business and its now been 10 years since they fell out. I found out afterwards she has form for going NC with her DF if he displeases her. But I was blamed for the rows they had although it was nothing to do with me.

Second SD was fine for a few years, again odd nasty comment but I didn't react, she then out of nowhere became openly hostile, which I didn't react too, until she told awful lies that I'd sworn and called her names. This was again after she had caused a massive drama where the police were involved and she went "missing".

I decided I was done and DH sees her without me, he has pressed me to have her in our home saying she's changed etc and when I have she has been rude again. He even admitted she was rude but thinks I should just suck it up. The last visit she didn't speak to me at all it was like I was invisible in my own home. DH when we spoke about it says I should make an effort, she's changed etc but she clearly hasn't and I don't want go be around her.

I understand DH wants to see DD but how much rudeness, hostility and disrespect does he want me to take? I said I made an effort, invited her into our home and she continues to behave in a way that makes me stressed and unhappy.

When we last discussed it I said have you actually said to her this behaviour is not OK? He said they haven't discussed it.

If they are full grown adults then no you are not being unreasonable. There is a thin line between tolerance and abuse . He can see them on his own outside of your personal environment. Of course he will defend them they are his kids but you have to be considered too . I would not be made uncomfortable in my home by grown adults . This will eventually create a wedge between you as you become more resentful. I've been in a similar situation and now looking back I can see I should have put my foot down sooner as the waters were being tested and boundaries were slowly being eroded. Your husband needs to have your back when people are rude and abusive to you .