Survivors of family estrangement…

[Darker]

Thread here for anyone who is in want of support. A quiet, nonjudgmental space to talk about the difficult aftermath of going no contact or being cut off by family.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/off_the_beaten_track/5030150-stately-homes-annex-for-survivors-of-family-estrangement?page=2&reply=134130333

I hope that you are enjoying your dry day, @PassingStranger.

I’ve made bread and been to the garden centre. I’ve planted stuff in the drizzle. The slugs and snails are having a lovely time…

Good morning… how is everyone?

Well I have good news for a change, we finally signed the contract on our new home and business. It's been 6 months in the process, I'm absolutely shitting myself with crap anxiety but we move in Saturday and it's all systems go.
Viewed the living area today and it's lush, absolutely filthy, but the previous person has left some beautiful brand new furniture which is handy.
It's going to be hectic but I'm excited that finally everything is signed. I started to think it was never gonna happen. And it means we can move out my DSIL house. Can have my own home again.

That’s great news, @WillimNot. congratulations!

Good morning. I hope everyone is ok.

Good afternoon… I hope everyone is ok.

A quick reminder that there is a long running group for us in a quiet part of the forum. Threads disappear after 30 days and the current one will disappear in a few days, when a new Stately Homes Annex will start. Do join us there.

Current thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/off_the_beaten_track/5051716-stately-homes-bluebell-annex?page=1

New thread for those who want to join us in our little corner of the internet

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/off_the_beaten_track/5077098-stately-homes-annex-sashaying-from-may-into-june

Hello all, sorry been absolute chaos here. Usually when you move into a pub, you have 2 weeks of paperwork and such, then move in. Because the last guy was found to have done a bunk, we've moved in and doing paperwork all at once. The look on the brewery admin assistants face when I said we didn't have insurance yet was priceless but all sorted now.

It's been actually great to be busy. It was filthy upstairs, the guys wife left earlier in the year and it's like he ceased to clean from that point, I've never seen so much dog hair in my life.

We also had a little family who he took money from (£20k!) to open as a restaurant, they did one evening and then we and the brewery turned up and changed the locks. He owes the brewery £15k, our address has been red flagged so opening accounts has been fun- thank goodness for the admin assistant from the brewery helping!

But everyone has a room, and a bed, and it's clean, not really tidy due to a lack of wardrobes this far but watching my teen find clothes they missed in storage has been wonderful. Other teen has been a legend, he started his exams on re say we fully moved in, all he did was work the WiFi out and off he went. He's been a star, they both have, considering how overwhelming it could've been with autism. They're both just happy having their own bedrooms back again.

We realised our opening day would've been my sister's birthday, so we spoke to the brewery as and they fully understood why that's not the right date. Can you imagine? My mother would've used it as my being uncaring.

Hope everyone is well.

Goodness - you have been busy!!!! How exciting! Hurrah for the brewery admin assistants. I hope it all works out for you. Well done for making space for yourself around your sisters birthday.

Thank you @Darker
It's funny, because most of the time I'm so busy I barely remember my name by the time I get in bed, it's full on here which is brilliant.
But I've just sat down for a coffee and I've got Absolute 90s on, Green Day comes on, totally lost it again. We both loved them. I remember us singing/screeching it with the giggles with our mutual friends, annoying some cool kids in our extended group, it was pouring with rain, and we were being silly as usual. We had, at that time, a similar sense of stupid humour.

It's little moments isn't it?

It makes me want to go ring my mother's neck sometimes, I know, without a hint of uncertainty, that she caused it. And she will be swanning around getting sympathy from people when she doesn't deserve it. She took my sister away to prove a point and I feel so angry that because of that, she didn't have someone to call when she needed it most.

I physically hate the woman. The damage she does to people is just revolting and she gets away with it every time.

Sorry, needed to rant, it's not good to have that in my head, it's like a black cloud

It is those little moments…. You obviously had something special with your sister.

So very sad, and so enraging. It’s hard to find peace in these circumstances.

Good luck with your day today… no doubt another bonkers busy one!

So many heartbreaking experiences on this thread. That point at which you relinquish the hope that things will ever change is so incredibly painful. But at least it brings a measure of acceptance and is, in the end, the only way we can find peace. I'm sorry to everyone else who has been through this experience.

My father was an abusive drunk who beat me until I couldn't sit down and my skin was red and peeling off when I was four. Who told me it was my fault I was raped because I was a slut, and that if my rapists (there were two) ever did this to anyone else, it would be my fault. Who then he said that he didn't believe me anyway. Who slammed my head down a door when I was fifteen, and kicked me in the sides when I was curled up on the floor. That episode ended in concussion.

It wasn't until many years later that I understood this psychopathic monster could easily have killed me. Meantime, I'd made the decision that he would not be part of my adult life. My mother, having eventually realised the extent of what he'd been doing to me, couldn't bear having him near her and left him. I was instrumental to this: I helped to split my parents up. I'm proud that I did, and that my mother at least had five years free of the yoke of his presence before she died tragically, and far too young.

I did go to visit him on his deathbed, because I believed it was the right thing to do. He had throat cancer and could no longer speak. I was unaware he'd lost his vocal chords before I made the decision to visit, but I was glad. I don't think I'd have wanted to hear anything he might have had to say. He refused to look at me. I think he believed (rightly) that my mother's having left him was my fault. I didn't inform him of her death.

I attended his funeral, again, because I felt it was the right thing to do. I didn't attend the wake. Afterwards, I went on holiday to the Lakes and promptly forgot about it. I'm not glad he's dead. I don't think I'm capable of that kind of sentiment. But I'm not sorry, either, and have never shed so much as a tear.

I've been the repeated victim of sexual abuse in my younger years. This isn't my father's fault directly, but apparently those who have been victims of child abuse are particularly vulnerable to this.

I, too, have had my life completely changed by EMDR. They say there is no such thing as a miracle cure - and therapy certainly can't take those experiences away. But it can strip the emotion away from them and enable an objectivity of vision I never before imagined was possible.

My in-laws don't like me either and I finally went NC after 20 years, but that is a different story. It's more along the lines that, having endured abuse like this, I'm not willing to take this on any level from anyone else again. DH and DC still see them, which is as it should be. It's unfortunate, but as the trite old saying goes, it is what it is.

Hi, I just posted this on the stately homes thread (I hope it's okay to post on two threads at once, if not I'll report myself to MNHQ & get one taken down)

Can I have a 'wail' please?

It is the 2nd anniversary of my Mother's death. I called her husband - now 89 -
to say 'Hello' to him as I expected he'd be feeling a bit low too.

I was told he was my Dad till I was 16 - sent to school in his name & only found out it was a lie when I got my birth cert for my 1st passport - my Mother had lied on my birth cert too by claiming to be married to bio Dad when she was already married to 'my Dad' - her husband. She'd left her husband 'my Dad' to be with my bio Dad. When that hadn't worked she'd returned with me. 'Dad' took me on but she never allowed him to adopt me & I was always treated very differently to my older (half, I discovered!) Brother who was the Golden Child.

Anyway, I had a pretty miserable childhood. My Mother was a Narcissist (see altering legal docs if it didn't suit her, & if you disagreed with her she threatened to call the Police - & did once!). I don't know how she wasn't sectioned tbh. But she was very very clever at hiding things & I was her Scapegoat & punchbag.

I really regret calling him now. Conversation got onto fact that no-one contacts me (not 'Dad' though tbf he is 89 & is just obsessed with his tablets & football) nor my half brother nor any wider family. This is because I am a survivor of CSA (in the family). My Mother both ignored this (officially) & semi promoted it (unofficially). I reported it to the Police when I was early 20's. Pointless as they were hopeless. The only thing it did was cause a HUGE family schism (they did Interviews) & even those who vaguely talked to me then stopped completely.

Point of this long post was that 'Dad' remarked, during the brief call:
'thing is you didn't even get on with Mum did you, so why on earth do you think we'd keep in touch?' (I'd mentioned that I had children as well as my Brother)

How can it still have the power to leave me shaking and crying after all this time. She's dead. I've had therapy. They don't matter. But it STILL HURTS.

If you've read this far, thank you. I just needed to 'say' somewhere as I've no one to talk to & can't call a 'survivors' support line as my (older) are home today.

bugger - I've muddled up my namechange. Not a troll just an (upset) muppet!

I am becoming anxious, its fathers day soon and also birthdays. That means SD will be back in our lives again. I have tried a little to tell DH how I feel but it all feels hopeless. Luckily we will be away for DH birthday so that will at least mean its one day I dont have to worry about. I may use father's day as an excuse to disappear and see my own DF as after my last experience with SD visiting we are done.

I also deleted all messages sent by DB, I had been NC with him for 11 year's after I decided I couldn't take any more of his crap. We spoke again for a few months because of DF being so ill but once again he did something awful caused more trouble (his speciality) and then lied about it (another speciality) he at least this time had the good sense to return to NC and its now been a year of peace again.

I didn't talk about it when I initially came on this thread because SD is my main concern. DB I'm used to not having contact with and I don't particularly care about it any more. I guess just looking the other day and seeing the last message I got from him was another lie it got to me a bit.

He is an alcoholic and has been for many years now. DM called me all sorts of names and was vile to me when I gently tried to tell her someone had raised a concern. He is the golden child and I'm the scape goat.

I am relieved we are NC as in the few months we did speak (me very warily) he would call at stupid times of the night, make wild unfounded accusations and generally talk rubbish because he was drunk.

I reached the last straw with him after I came home from a lovely evening out to a call from SIL crying. DB had locked himself and DN inside the house, wouldn't answer the door or phone all because SIL had been out with her friends. EXDH is a policeman, we went round and found SIL crying and banging on the door loud enough to wake the dead. My DP arrived as well and as we all stood there shouting to him EXH shouted through the letterbox he was going to kick the door in. Gave it a couple of loud thuds and it was enough to make DB come down and let us is.

He claimed he hadn't heard the calls, the shouting etc and pretended he had no idea why everyone was in s state. He had sent all sorts of messages to SIL that evening threatened suicide etc.to get her to stay home.

DN was hiding in her room crying, I picked her up took her home with me and SIL stayed with my parents. DB then sent messages to us all and on Facebook he was going to hang himself. We all ignored it. He is the master of manipulation and we all decided not to engage this time.

After going NC I felt nothing but relief, he had made my life hell it's like he cant help himself he has to cause trouble. I did say to DM donuou think it's me? Or does he do it yonother people too. She had no idea and just said "well you've never got on".

After going NC a few years later someone called SS about my niece. I was accused if being the caller. I was not, I dont know who did it but I do know DM had threatened it many times.

I was staying with DP and niece was a little older about 9 and she phoned DM late in the evening and said no one had come home. She was alone and scared. I went and fetched her, told her to get her school uniform and things for the morning and I'd be there soon. Turned out DB and SIL going through another bad patch had failed to communicate and had a Mexican stand off about who was staying home that night and both assumed the other would give in.

We had to organise POA quickly because DF has dementia, we had been advised to do it and I sat down to complete the forms. As speed was of the essence and there can be lots of signatures needed and I didn't have addresses I just put myself and DM down for POA. This made sense for speed and also DB is a lazy so and so and wouldn't do anything that was needed should we need to invoke the POA.

Once again an allmighty row ensued because he was not on it, I was accused of putting my name on it so I could steal! He had done absolutely bugger all when DF was ill, sectioned etc but when it came to potentially organising finances he cared. I said fine I'll tear it up DB can do it then as he's so bothered. Nope he didn't want to be on it, just didn't want me to be. He is ridiculous! So now myself and DM manage DF and myself and SIL have POA over DM.

DB turns everything into drama. I've been accused of calling SS, stealing, sending a nasty message to DN (who I love as if she is my own) and yet everyone just quietly ignores his shitty behaviour and pretends its me thags unreasonable fir wanting nothing to do with him. Apparently I should let it go

It's gaslighting at its finest isn't it? And clearly he is projecting onto you because you aren't his child, because he cannot complain to her anymore, and, if he was anything like my dad, even when she was alive he was probably too scared to voice it to her.

When I found out my sister was potentially only my half sister, it made me even more angry at my dad because to my mind, he should've left. He should've taken me with him. He was too scared to and didn't want another divorce to shame the family (he was married before he met my mother, she literally stole everything he owned and ran off whilst he was at work. Clearly a con artist who saw a naive rich kid and took advantage, but he never learned and just gets treated like shit by my mother and doubtful if she didn't have a number of affairs).

Feel free to rant here! No judgement at all.

How is everyone?

For anyone who would prefer to post on a thread that disappears after 30 days, there is a new thread in OTBT.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/off_the_beaten_track/5098032-stately-homes-annex-where-is-the-sun

SDnhas upset DH again, no card on fathers day and just a text message saying happy FDay obviously too much trouble to pick the phone up and chat. He has dropped heavy hints about meeting up next week as we will be in same place at the same time, I have quietly ignored that as I am not willing to see her.

My dh got nothing too. Just silence, no card no text.
He's going to reach out to her this week and I've made it clear that like you I won't be joining him should she reply

@socks1107 it's wise to stay out of the way. It's SD birthday soon (few weeks) I'm sure she will find time to speak to DH then and visit for her gift. Makes me so damm angry that he's treated like this. SD treated him like this before I was on the scene I know that as DH told me but now uses me as the scapegoat and I'm blamed for lack of contact (so convienient)

Good morning. I’ve started a new thread in OTBT. The advantage of posting there is that threads disappear after 30 days. However, the number of active posters has dwindled, and I feel like I am posting just to keep it going. If people would like that space to survive, please join in!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/off_the_beaten_track/5121236-stately-homes-annex-july-into-august?reply=136958122

Hello all, seem to have lost the other thread, can anyone point me in the direction of the newest one please @Darker

Hello @WillimNot . The old threat on OTBT has expired - it gets deleted after 30 days.

I haven’t started a new one as I felt that it wasn’t getting a lot of traffic but I will if it’s wanted and useful to people.

How are you? What’s happening?

OrangeBlossominthesun has kindly started a new thread… https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/off_the_beaten_track/5147876-moving-into-autumn-stately-homes-annexe?reply=137740541