Survivors of family estrangement…

[Darker]

Thread here for anyone who is in want of support. A quiet, nonjudgmental space to talk about the difficult aftermath of going no contact or being cut off by family.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/off_the_beaten_track/5030150-stately-homes-annex-for-survivors-of-family-estrangement?page=2&reply=134130333

@Hopingforno2in2024 thank you! Yes, I think I’ve a lot of unprocessed memories. My childhood memories are all bad but very fractured. I have very few actual memories if that makes sense. It’s more feelings I remember. I can remember the violence and the big traumatic events but they are vague. Maybe like it happened to someone else. I’m not sure. I’ll look into the EMDR, my gp actually mentioned that to me too as well as a craniotomy sacral therapist who specialises in trauma. I’ve come to the conclusion that I do need help now. I’m not managing to move on and it’s affecting everything.
I suppose while he was alive, I just put everything to the back of my mind but now it’s all coming to the surface and it’s horrible.
Thank you for your reply.

@Darker thank you!
Yes, I had cut myself off from all his family and now I’m back in contact with some of them. One particular aunt is quite toxic and I’m limiting my contact with her but I actually feel I need to cut her off again. Everytime she texts or calls me, I get very anxious and fearful…. Like a child again. I was hoping she had changed but I see she’s trying to come between myself and my sister …. She’s saying one thing to me and another to her. I don’t feel safe having her back in my life, so maybe I need to cut all ties again. I feel bad because she’s had a hard life and probably needs support too, I’m just not sure I’m the one to give it to her.

I have a lovely husband and 3 kids. I have my mother and sister and a few close friends. I’m lucky to have such support but I feel I can’t go on about it too much. I don’t want to bring everyone down and I don’t think they truly understand either. Obviously, I’m trying to not lean on the kids too much but they know I’m not myself and keep checking in on me. Most of the time I say I’m fine or tired but they’re not stupid. They’re teenagers and they know I’m struggling a bit.

I went to the funeral, I sat down the back. I thought it might bring some closure but it hasn’t yet. I saw him in the coffin and I was surprised I felt nothing for him. Not even anger towards him, just nothing. It was a few weeks later that all these emotions started to emerge and I don’t understand them. I hate that he can do this to me all over again. It doesn’t seem fair.

Sorry for going on and on! And thank you for the replies and understanding.

@Kittywittywoo thank you. I know that at some level, so maybe that’s why I need some professional help to realise I was a child and they were wrong, not me for cutting them off.

Thank you

@Hopingforno2in2024 I meant cranio sacral therapist! 😉

Don't feel guilty for cutting them off . You did it to preserve your mental health , your mental state would have affected everyone around you and damaged your family. You have to look after yourself. Like I said actions have consequences. Mss as by this made them reflect on their behaviour. You did nothing wrong. They did . You owed them nothing.

@Betternowthannever I can relate & understand I think? My 'Mother' died 2 years ago. She'd been both periodically absent & highly abusive throughout my childhood & so I'd been largely NC for most of the last 20 years. My exH (cut from the same cloth but I still loved him & accepted his awful behaviour) died 8 weeks later. It hit me like a truck.
I had 8 sessions with 'Cruse' charity.
I was lucky in my therapist I think but there is still a long way to go.
Death is the end of any possibility that you can ever 'reach' them / make them 'understand'. I was surprised that, somewhere in a corner of my soul, I must have still wanted that.
But I am still alive, & I owe it to myself to make the best of that I can. Some days it's ok, some (nights often) it's very hard. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Breathe. xxx

@Darker he invites her over and informs me afterwards sometimes I go out for a very long walk soni don't have to have contact. She doesn't want to see me he just wants to be able to invite her into our home. I understand that, but when I've made great efforts to speak to her I get blanked or sulky teenager type answers, it makes me uncomfortable but DH says it is I who should make the effort! I have and that's the response I get. She's in her 30s BTW not a child.

He blamed her MH but it seems its fine with everyone but me. I just don't want to engage any more with this behaviour. He has allowed it to continue I believe because he's scared this DD will also go NC if he pulls her up on her behaviour.

Last time she visited I came home to find her in the living room, she didn't make eye contact and turned her back to make it clear she wasn't going to engage with me or DM who was visiting at the time. DH blamed me again and said I should have tried harder.

@Kittywittywoo I am resentful now, he invited her over again recently and when she was rude again said nothing. She blanked me, didn't greet me and turned her back to make it clear she was not going engage with me. DH claims he didn't see that at all and I should have tried harder! I felt nothing but anger with him.for the following days after the visit. Our home us supposed ro a safe space and it doesn't feel like that after her visits.

I've been estranged for over 25 years.

I've had times when it's bothered me but does anyone else feel that it's not the actual people we miss but the concept of a family?

Personally I feel short changed. I also feel quite lost at times.

I've kind of been in a good place with it, I'm very lucky that I've been part of my DHs family for decades.

But my sister died in March, I had to hear via a mutual friend sending me condolences via Facebook as she thought I'd have at least known. I didn't. In fact, we were driving back from an important meeting DH and I, and I said, I think my sister is dead. He pulled the car over because he was shocked.

This isn't the first time I've been the last to know, in fact it's the third time.

I didn't want to be estranged from her, in fact we still saw each other regularly for quite some time. I think it was quite handy being 14/15 and having a sister with her own home! So she would appear, with her mates as well.

But we fell out over a silly situation which was weaponised by my narc Mother.

The thing is, I was always angry at her for her behaviour towards me, whereas she very much liked my sister and played us off against each other. I now feel bad, because I feel like because I left home and then, ten years later with a family of my own I moved across the country because was already trying to cause trouble for my little family unit, I left my sister behind to fend for herself.

I assumed she would be fine being the favourite. I kind of forgot that our mother has to have someone to be abusive and hurtful to, and that potentially, because my sister was on a pedestal, she had a far harder fall than me. I never had expectations other than failure.

I'm also processing other things, and I am actually more angry with my dad. We were in my view as a kid close but I now see how fucked up my relationship with him was. As the adult, he should have said, you know, enough is enough and removed us both from the situation. He didn't.

I'm literally questioning everything.

I had already been left with anxiety and huge issues with self esteem. I lack confidence and always assume people don't like me, or think I'm thick or ugly. My DH is a force of nature, the life and soul, and I tend to hide behind him.

I had recently started to get better at putting myself out there but this has knocked me for 6. Because obviously, I've not spoken to her in 15 years, so I feel like do I have a right to be upset, but there feels like a big gap now. I wish I could've got her to speak to me. And that I feel like I let her down a lot, that if I didn't move away it would've been directed at me still and I was used to it, in fact I expected it from her.

Having a narcissist parent, especially a mother, it's just shitty. Mums are meant to love you aren't they, which is why I've always felt like if she didn't who will?

It's so tough isn't it?

Sorry this is long but it's been clogging my head up and seeing a thread of people who would get it is so welcome right now.

On the outside we looked like a typical family, but at home it was horrific and it sticks to you like a weight. The constant sense of panic and of not meeting expectations and failure is appalling but it all stems from my mother's behaviour.

@medianewbie thank you. Sorry you have experienced this too!
Yes, that’s part of it, I never got him to understand how his abuse affected me/us and never got any sign of remorse or apology! That hurts and angers me if I’m honest with myself.

@WillimNot

I think k your sister was angry with you because you were no longer there to be the family punchbag . That's on her not you. She should have put boundaries in place to handle your mother . You moved to protect your mental health and your family and I don't blame you one bit . If you don't look after yourself no one else is going to .

Ok so it's his home too and he wants his daughter to come round and feel included in his new life , but I would either be working that day or I would be out shopping, after all she doesn't like you and has come to see her dad .

If on the off chance you are still home and she is rude to you put her back in her place and tell your husband you won't tolerate being spoken to like dirt in your own space .

@Kittywittywoo I have made myself scarce on the majority of occasions she's visited, then DH stopped inviting her as he didn't feel it was fair on me feeling I had to go out to avoid his DD. For whatever reason he's decided to start inviting her again and she's still as obnoxious towards me as ever. I am wary of her as if we have had a conversation she has taken a quite innocent comment and spun it to make it sound like something completely different. I'm sure DH is worried about asking her to be polite as he is scared she will go NC the same as his other DD did so he's allowing this to continue.

I wish I could say that I had an idea why she behaves this way but I am so tired of it and just want a peaceful life. I think I will have to walk the dog or something if she visits again

I would never be on my own with her . Any conversation I would have with her would be in front of your DH . That way she can't twist your words . If you feel rage bubbling up then at least you have the dog as an excuse to get out of the way . If she makes a snarky comment just ask her to repeat herself in a way that you didn't understand what she was saying. That's should put her on the back foot .

@Kittywittywoo I am never alone with her now as she told DH I called her a bitch once (not true) and on another occasion me saying "your parents are so worried about you" which isn't nasty and was a fact was turned into "your parents are f**King worried about you stop being selfish" the two are very different. I will continue to walk the dog if she is invited around. Thankfully it is rare that she visits as she lives quite a long way from us. I dont think DH is going to ever tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable (but he obviously knows it is not) so I think its a situation I'm stuck with (and didn't sign up for). I do understand hes stuck in the middle and I want him to have a relationship with his DD its just a shame she's chosen to behave like this.

I think her nastiness towards me has been a slow burning thing. We on one occasion drove from our home county 150 miles to collect the her car that had been repaired after an accident, we then drove the car to her home county another 100 miles away and then back to our home so about 400 miles in total that day. She flung her arms around DH and yelled "thank you daddy" and glared over his shoulder at me. Her new BF at the time she it and looked at me shocked. I had thought at that time we got along fine and thought it was rude not acknowledging the help I'd also given but let it pass.

I also think your Husband doesn't want to be left on his own with her because she probably has a go at him or tries to tap him for favours or money , she would not dare do it in front of you . Just a theory .

@Kittywittywoo your actually right, the car repair was paid for by DH on proviso that the thousands of pounds was paid back when the insurance went through, she kept the insurance payout. DH also ends up going shopping with her if they see each other away from home...

I've hit the nail on the head . You are just a buffer and a scapegoat. She probably resents you being around because she can't tap up daddy for rescue and resource's this set up sounds quite manipulative. I would keep out of the way as much as possible

Tara336 I've not been alone with my sd in nearly two years go following some things she said about her dad. It wasn't the first time but the lies had ramped up and I decided to back away to protect myself. My husband will unlikely ever be alone with her at his choice and if she reached out it would be public place meetings only unless we were sure things had changed.
She's now cut us, including my husband, off completely. We wouldn't allow her to do something and so we are now estranged. I do have contact with her mum though to support as it's a nightmare situation

@socks1107 I'm.sorry your going through this too. All I ever wanted was everyone to get on, but the more I learnt over the years about the family dynamics the more I realised its not possible. Even my absolute darling of a MIL warned me about her GD when I first moved in with DH. I said in all innocence that everything was all rosy and she smiled knowingly and said "for now" and she was right. I was genuinely shocked at the behaviour of elder SD, her behaviour was disgusting, I wouldn't want to post on here what she did because it's too long and outing but it's awful. But as @Kittywittywoo pointed put a lot of it is about money. DH has subsidised and funded a certain lifestyle for his DD and I sat down last night and looked at it and although the nasty behaviour was low level initially I realised it got worse when we bought a home together.

DH was renting and I owned, we bought a house and to ensure we could a least consider retirement one day we got a shorter then normal mortgage which means our payments are relatively high. DH told me he had informed younger DD he wouldn't have the spare cash to "treat" her anymore and that's when the nastiness towards me started. I hadn't thought about the two being linked so closely before but obviously they are. It has now turned into a campaign to cause as much trouble as possible between us.

I am never alone with SD and actively avoid her, DH at one point was considering going NC due to her behaviour but has relented. I do understand how you feel socks it's a horrible situation

Oh this thread really helps me to feel less alone.
I'm estranged from my Dad, step-mother and siblings on that side. They live locally to us and sometimes I will bump into my step-sister and her children.
I found that when I became a mum I could suddenly see how I had been treated as the scapegoat for years. I felt so strongly that I didn't want my kids involved in their lives and addictions issues/toxic behaviours so I tried to speak out about it. I was met with abusive messages, multiple family members dismissing me completely and mocking my feelings and observations.
I made the decision to delete my social media and reduce contact and I was surprised at the explosive reaction my boundaries caused.
We have very limited contact.
I have been surprised by how much clarity I've gained and how much calmer I feel generally.
There are times I really miss the family unit that it could have been but it's never actually been that. I find all the hate and misunderstanding of me hard to deal with.

@summermumma2021 I think when you see toxic behaviour and decide to step away from it the people behaving this way hate it. Maybe because your actually making them look at themselves and because you are saying that you don't want this for yourself anymore. Either way it takes courage to say enough is enough. It's hard as all we really want is a calm happy family life but sometimes the only way to achieve that is to step back

My family is broken, my heart is too, for reasons only known to her, my daughter has stepped away from me.
If only we could communicate about why, maybe we could fix things.
My heart goes out to you all.

@Tara336

Sometimes it takes someone who isn't emotionally involved to see the dynamics of a situation. It was my DH who could see my family dynamics and I could see his . I only hope you have a will because if anything happens to your DH you could find yourself in a dodgy situation.

It’s hard when a child steps away. It’s so hard to know how to brings things back together again.

It has been suggested to me that my child is taking everything out on me because she is distressed and angry but she knows I won’t abandon her and will be there when she is ready to breathe again. But I really don’t think that she has clue how horrible it is for me - I have tried so many things to turn things round, but nearly everything I do gets interpreted in the most negative way.

Darker... I can do no more, I've tried and suggested everything I can think of to open a conversation but to no avail, I can only wait and hope, its the not knowing why that hurts.