Found out friends husband cheating should I tell her?

[Sarahnmills]

Help

I don't know what to do for the best.
I found out my close friend’s husband has been having an affair through another friend that doesn’t know her as well. She has seen screen shots of messages. My close friend and cheating husband have three young children together and are child hood sweethearts. I don’t want to tear their family apart. There is also a possibility she already knows. I had a cryptic message implying things haven’t been great between her and her husband but things are improving.
She has a right to know but I don’t want to be the one to ruin her life. She is currently on a luxury family holiday.

If it was one of my best friends I would expect her to tell me. Maybe ask her about the cryptic message first and tread carefully.

Suspected then.
If my mates had reason to suspect or had been told my DH was cheating, I would fully expect them to tell me so I could either a) tell them about our open arrangement b) tell them I'm aware of the situation and dealing with it c) be really upset.

If then it turned out he wasn't cheating, my friends would be back to normal with him. He knows my friends are on my side no matter what and same with his. I'd be more disappointed if his mates thought I was cheating and didn't tell him.

This.
It's basically passing on the facts as you know them. Not done with any malice. Happy to be told to butt out or you've got it wrong, but couldn't not say something.

I would absolutely tell my friend. There’s a time for ‘none of your business’ and this isn’t it. I am loyal to my friends & I would be devastated if they knew & didn’t tell me so I would always tell them.

If she's your friend please tell her. That gives her the power to choose what to do. If she doesn't know he's making a fool of her.

A friend told me exh was cheating on me. She was almost crying when she told me she was worried I'd shoot the messenger. I was grateful to her because I had a feeling something was not right but no evidence. I kicked him out and divorced him.

Another vote for this type of approach- the first part of it anyway.

Even if you feel 100% certain that it is true and not a mistake I would still say something like
"I'm really sorry to tell you that I heard a rumour that your husband has been seeing someone - the girl from xxxx. I hope it's not true but I thought I have to tell you what I heard."

Then I would listen and only answer questions that she asks. So if she says "I'm off to have it out with him" I would just say "OK- I hope it's a load of rubbish". If she says "who told you that/based on what" just tell her what you know which seems to be a friend of a friend said she had seen messages. If she asks for their contact details give them if you have permission (only if asked).

This way if she chooses to bury her head in the sand and not want to know the truth you can continue to be friends. If she comes back and says "it was all a load of rubbish/nothing happened..." you can just say "oh I'm so pleased to hear that" and leave it at that. You have told her what you know and if she chooses to ignore it up to her.

She may know. She may be hoping the affair runs its course. He may have already decided to end it with the other woman. She may think that with 3 small children she is going to pretend to know nothing rather than having to sell the house, have less money and more childcare and be doing it all on her own. I would keep my lips on what you have discovered.

Don't tell the wife.

You can't possibly know for sure from such a hearsay account that it's actually him.

It will cause a bomb to go off in your friend's life and if he denies it she has zero proof do she's unlikely to end it over gossip.

Plus, and this may be unpopular, people have affairs all the time! Most times they fizzle out. I would actually go so far to say that in a long marriage (30-40 plus years) the chance of one of the spouses playing away at some point is probably very high. It doesn't mean they don't have a good solid marriage.

Don't interfere would be my advice.

I’ve been that wife. STBXH treated me terribly during his 4 year affair and the whole time I kept trying harder and harder to please him, making myself and my needs smaller and smaller, completely unaware that I had no chance of making things better because he already had one foot out the door.

Not to mention I was still having weekly sex with him thinking we were monogamous when we weren’t, and unwittingly putting my health at risk.

After the bomb drop, one of my best friends revealed a very pertinent conversation that, had she told me about it, could have saved me a year of jumping through hoops like a performing circus animal. She’s now an ex-friend.

Tell her.

Well if she knows and is going to turn a blind eye and stay with him then there's no real harm in telling her is there? Maybe she'll feel a bit embarrassed that other people know but if she's able to turn a blind eye to her husband cheating then she can pretend other people don't know also!

Maybe she doesn't know, and if she did know she'd end the marriage asap.

It's not a good solid marriage if you're shagging someone else. Stop making excuses.

grumblleweeds
Don't tell the wife.

You can't possibly know for sure from such a hearsay account that it's actually him.

It will cause a bomb to go off in your friend's life and if he denies it she has zero proof do she's unlikely to end it over gossip.

Plus, and this may be unpopular, people have affairs all the time! Most times they fizzle out. I would actually go so far to say that in a long marriage (30-40 plus years) the chance of one of the spouses playing away at some point is probably very high. It doesn't mean they don't have a good solid marriage.

Don't interfere would be my advice.

It's not a good solid marriage if you're shagging someone else. Stop making excuses.

Don't be so quick to judge. Life is long and all marriages have their ups and downs. Of course, it's a shitty thing to do but people are not perfect. Ideally, it would never happen but we don't live in an ideal world. I'm not making excuses or condoning it but it happens. A freaking lot. I'm old now and I don't know any marriages that have not been rocked along the way. Particularly at the stage of the marriage where there are young kids. Again, I am NOT condoning it before I get piled on.

That's why I say keep out of someone else's marriage.

@grumblleweeds
I agree with @TheAverageJoanne that it's not a good solid marriage if there's cheating going on.

I know a lot of people like to tell themselves a marriage can be great and a partner can still cheat, but I'm not sure why that makes people feel better, it would make it worse in my opinion if someone thinks their marriage is great but they go off and cheat anyway for a little extra.

How little must you think of your spouse if you'd risk their whole safety, security and happiness for the sake of a little bit of excitement?

And many many people out there want to know the truth if their partner cheats because that they would not stay in that relationship.

No ones perfect and I don't think many expect their partner to be, but one thing many do expect is fidelity.

We also all know now that cheating can often coincide with gaslighting which is abuse, and I don't agree with staying out of it. Friends should always look out for friends.

I agree with you that, at the point of the cheating, the marriage is not rock solid or good or any of that. It's utterly horrendous. What I'm trying to say is that over the course of a long marriage it is pretty much inevitable that one or other of the people in the marriage will do something that is unacceptable. But that is only a snapshot of moment in their marriage. People can disagree with me and say it's unacceptable. I agree. But IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
I'm not saying that once confronted by her husband's infidelity she shouldn't leave. But rather that it is not necessity indicative that her husband doesn't love her or that they would live better lives apart.

And when one person in the marriage does something that is unacceptable the other person should then have the choice to decide whether they want to stay in the marriage or not after the unacceptable behaviour.

We know it happens all the time, but that doesn't mean we should turn a blind eye.

Cheaters often do still 'love' their partners but it's not the way a person tends to want to be loved. It's a selfish love.
And that attitude comes across more like "don't worry, he cheated but he still loves you, lucky you".

I don't think I've ever been cheated on but I did have an ex who had the most obsessive toxic 'love' for me, where he didn't even care whether I was happy or not, as long as he got to keep me. That's not the kind of love I want or that I think anyone wants, and likewise when it comes to cheaters the type of 'love' that allows someone to still cheat on them isn't the kind of love they want or deserve.

This. 100 times this. The lies and deceit and being made out to be crazy. I wish I had been told too.

I get the school of thought that she might back him and cut you off but I'd take that rather than not say anything.
My friend found out her pals (not me) knew she was being cheated on and didn't tell her. She never spoke to them again.

Is there any previous history of straying/cheating by him that you know of - any suspicions your friend has ever shared with you before or whispers from the friends of friends?

Or has this alleged affair come totally out of the blue? Has he ever given you any indication that he could be a potential adulterer - any uncomfortable unwelcome comments?

I am very loathe to make these sort of revelations without cast-iron proof. For example, if you told me that a friend of a friend told you my husband was cheating on me but you had no evidence I would believe my husband's denials (assuming he stood up to bit of questioning from me in accordance with my trust but verify mantra).

I do know somebody whose fiancé's parents were initially very warm and welcoming and then a bit chilly. They didn't unfreeze till the engagement party where they met her identical twin sister accompanied by her boyfriend. I imagine they were very grateful that they'd kept their mouths shut about whatever cheating rumours they might have heard from helpful people.

If they'd said we heard that she was cheating or had been spotted with another man then they likely would have found out very quickly that she had an identical twin sister and no harm would have been done.

I found out a couple of years after the fact that my boyfriend, who later became my husband had cheated on me on a night out with my best friends husband. The husband told his wife, my best friend and she decided ‘it wasn’t her business’ and chose to protect the boys bro-ship over our friendship.

if she had of told me about that night I would never have married him and endured further heartache and eventually humiliating divorce.

it ruined my friendship.
if you love her, tell her what you know and give her the information and support she needs to be in control of her own life and happiness.

That was so heartbreaking for you @CultOfRamen.
I hope you found happiness since.
Did you have children with him ?
Did your "best friend" stay her partner?

This is the exception not the rule though.

Bless you thar you would believe your husband but I would believe mu friend. Every time.

I think the best advice so far has come from @Hooplashake

If I was in this position, I would want to know, as heartbreaking as it would be.